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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My worlds just come crashing down

89 replies

FranksBobot · 15/09/2016 14:19

Apologies in advance for any nonsense but I'm typing through tears. Just need to get it all out before dd1 comes home from school.

Out of the blue DP came home for lunch today and announced he wants to split up. We are engaged, the wedding is booked for next year. He is an amazing step dad to dd1 and an incredible father to dd2.
I want to fix this and pleaded with him to tell me where the problem lies. I was under the impression everything was fine. He is the love of my life and I was so excited to spend forever with him.
He thinks things don't click anymore and he can't see us living happily together.
I'm heartbroken, I just don't know what to do. I've spoke to my Dm who has suggested I go there for a few nights but I don't know if this is the right thing to do.
Christ this hurts

OP posts:
Charlesroi · 15/09/2016 15:05

I would agree with the others and show him what he's lost. Get rid (if possible) for a while. Don't let him pull the old 'I don't know what I want', because he does know, he's just trying to keep his options open.

Practically (i.e. money) remember that he'll have to pay maintenance for your DD. You may also be able to get help with tax credits and housing benefit - Turn2us is a good resource for this.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it really sucks, and it may be fixable in the end. But please try and remove as much stress as possible by sorting benefits and assuming it's over. Don't hang on hoping and dance to his tune because it'll just make it worse.

Daisygarden · 15/09/2016 15:06

I'm sorry you're going through this Flowers

I would say it's 99% likely there is someone else. Generally speaking, men only leave when they have someone else lined up. Women leave because they genuinely want space, don't think it's working anymore, or want a different/better quality relationship and think it's out there somewhere (and of course in some cases they also have someone else lined up but not nearly as many as men).

Your "D" P is going to need to talk about practical arrangements, very soon. How is it he can just drop you and his step-daugher and daughter in the shit, housing-wise? I hope you take the position with him that you and the girls are going to stay where you are, for now at least, and he is going to carry on facilitating that just as usual. Even if it means he moves back in with his parents and carries on paying his share of the rent. Why should you and the girls suffer from his bombshell

SecretPeanut · 15/09/2016 15:08

I second all the other comments. Now some may hate me for this and i NO WAY do i agree with his actions but i did something very similar to my ex, i do agree i was spineless.

The situation was slightly different in that we didn't have any DC and my ex didn't live me with nor were we engaged. We had though been together for 6+ years.

Please don't think i'm typing this to make you feel bad, really i'm not. I'm saying this because i don't want you to fall into that trap of believing he hasn't planned this. Trust me he has been preparing this for a long time.

For me there genuinely wasn't anyone else. My ex came to mine one day, i had been planning what i wanted to say for months, it was finding the right time. Our relationship had been dead for over a year. He was much older and hated being alone, very clingy. It would appear there is never a right time, so i just blurted it out. He was heart broken, he pleaded but my mind was made up. Much more behind it but for me it was the right decision.

Yes i'm am probably arsehole.

Please be strong, don't plead, don't beg. Don't take his bullshit, you don't just wake up one day and think ooh i'm bored or don't love her anymore. Go to your mums, she will support you. You will also find tons of support on here.

Grimarse · 15/09/2016 15:10

I would say it's 99% likely there is someone else. Generally speaking, men only leave when they have someone else lined up. Women leave because they genuinely want space, don't think it's working anymore, or want a different/better quality relationship and think it's out there somewhere (and of course in some cases they also have someone else lined up but not nearly as many as men).

It's odd, because on a men's forum, you hear the exact opposite about women leaving once they have lined up an upgrade. Both examples are, on reflection, utter shite. Generalising helps the OP not one jot.

BastardGoDarkly · 15/09/2016 15:12

I can't add to the already excellent advice given. I just wanted to say I'm so sorry, and you will be ok Brew

Buzzardbird · 15/09/2016 15:14

You can't 'make' him stay OP, no matter how much you try.

This is an awful time for you but you need to cut him off, give him a cold hard shock but going off radar to him.

Like everyone else said, he made his mind up before he spoke to you.

sallystar1976 · 15/09/2016 15:15

I'm in the same situation, a month on. We are married and my husband has left for an affair. It's heartbreaking and worst possible feeling when you think nothing is wrong, go around in your little bubble for it to be burst. I didn't ever believe it was for somebody else until I found proof and the betrayal feels worse. You will get stronger, time is a healer but for both of us this won't be any time soon. You settle down with someone plan for the future and it all gets destroyed, it literally rips your heart out. I'm here if you need me, keep strong and know your in my thoughts xxxx

Goingtobeawesome · 15/09/2016 15:17

I'm so sorry.

You've done nothing wrong. And any man always has time for an affair even if their comings and goings are at the same time each day. He's following the script it appears.

I hope there is no one else but if not he has to tell you the issue. He owes your DD that.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/09/2016 15:19

Why are you embarrassed?
You shouldn't be.
You haven't done anything wrong.
This is HIS embarrassment and HIS thing.
I know what you mean though.
I didn't tell anyone for ages as I felt like that.
I was an idiot to take on his shite. I needed support and didn't get it.
But once you get over that and share this burden it's amazing how much of a weight will lift from you.
Please share - even with just one person.
Don't keep HIS secret.
You owe him NOTHING right now!

ImAMorningPerson · 15/09/2016 15:20

'm so sorry OP, this is just heartbreaking to read.

He's made his choice it seems but you still deserve and we'd answers. He needs to be specific. Not clicking isn't good enough.
What's not clicking? How longs he felt this way? What's changed?

And not that it matters right now but me. Very very seldom make decisions like this unless they have someone else to go to. Men are petulant and need attention and if he isn't getting it from you then he's fulfilling it elsewhere.

Please please do not grovel.
Keep a cool head.
Be calm and be practical.
Don't be accessible to him and go to your mums for a good rest and cry, cry it all out and think logically what the next step will be.

Good luck. Thinking of you. 

SpicedGingerTea · 15/09/2016 15:22

"You begging him gives him the power, so take it back."

This from bogeyface.

I had something similar happen to me a few years ago and I am so grateful for all the excellent advice I received on here about disengaging from him (he was my husband at the time). It wasn't easy at first, but it massively helped long term to regroup and get my head around what had happened, and what my needs were.

Take care Thanks

Original poster
FranksBobot · 15/09/2016 15:29

I have read all your messages and I really do thank you all for the support. I'm still in pieces. Dd is going to walk through the door any minute and we are off to my mum for the weekend. I've spoken to the only person DP will talk to (his aunt) and she is going to find out what the fuck is going on.
My head hurts so much and I still feel in limbo. I do not want to lose everything we have yet I don't want to be treated like a twat.

OP posts:
LazySusan11 · 15/09/2016 15:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whoopiedoo · 15/09/2016 15:34

On a really practical level Franks if you own your home together don't leave, ask him to go and stay elsewhere and arrange to meet up and talk at a time you feel ready. My sister made the mistake of moving out, only for her husband to then lock her out and six years on she's still unable to gain access to the home they own together. I know it sounds unbelievable but he pulled all manner of stunts including being treated by a mental health team in order to stay in their house. They went to court and a court decided he couldn't be made to leave as he'd been treated for mental health issues and it was his only home.

If, as many others have suggested, this has been on his mind for some time, he will be far more together and able to make decisions at the moment than you are as you're in shock. Good luck! x

Lovemusic33 · 15/09/2016 15:41

Sorry you are going through this, there are ways of not losing your home, you will be entitled to help, maybe housing benefit? He will also have to pay maintenance for his child. Try not to panic too much, his name is on the tenancy so he will have to help with rent until the tenancy runs out or his name is taken off.

I do agree that there may be someone else, maybe someone he met at work? Even so it doesn't change anything Sad.

nocampinghere · 15/09/2016 15:43

don't you move out
let him move out
stay where you are with the DDs
and he keeps paying the rent forever at least in the short term

BarbarianMum · 15/09/2016 15:45
averythinline · 15/09/2016 15:54

Tell him to move out- he's the one that's leaving- can you get your mum to come to yours?
why put the dc through that - what are you going to come back to - unless you're telling him to clear all his stuff out whilst your at your mums ..

makes no odds really at the moment why - but he needs to leave not you..
and then you can sort finances etc

Daisygarden · 15/09/2016 15:56

Grimarse generalising at least puts the OP in the frame of mind that despite what he says and that she thinks he hasn't had time for an affair, it's still perfectly possible.

I do think that if men announce they are leaving out of the blue and the partner had absolutely no clue anything was wrong, they more often than not have someone else lined up already. Women also can have someone else lined up too, but I think that there are more women prepared to leave with nobody else lined up just because they want a better quality of life for themselves. Just my opinion, nobody has to take it!

LazySusan11 · 15/09/2016 15:56

So sorry I've posted on the wrong thread, I've asked for my post to be deleted. Very sorry.

WaitrosePigeon · 15/09/2016 16:01

Oh shit I am so sorry to hear that. You must be in bits Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 15/09/2016 16:02

You will be in shock very soon.
Have you eaten or had a drink?
Sugary tea is the way forward for now.
You will need to keep yourself hydrated.
Get some love and support at your mums.
Take a couple of days for you.
Then start thinking about things.
It's a truly horrible, awful time.
But we are here to help and support you.
So many of us have been there.
You'll have hindsight in abundance!

GinBunny · 15/09/2016 16:10

Hi Franks, I am 11 days on from this and totally understand how you are feeling right now. You are in shock at the moment, so don't even try to make any decisions yet, you need time for this to sink in. It's so devastating when it happens, I am so sorry. I'll be back later to see how you are, keep posting Flowers

deltacrook · 15/09/2016 16:18

I am so sorry. Be kind to yourself.

aintnothinbutagstring · 15/09/2016 16:22

I don't think it matters if there's another woman or not. I understand you need head space so are going to your mum's OP, but at the same time, your STBXP needs to give you answers as to how he is going to help you financially and practically support at least his own biological DD, he can't just leave you in the shit. Fine, he doesn't want to be with you, but he can't ditch his dd too. So I'd be asking on how he plans on being a good and responsible co-parent. Pissed off and angry on your behalf.

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