My worlds just come crashing down

[FranksBobot]

Apologies in advance for any nonsense but I'm typing through tears. Just need to get it all out before dd1 comes home from school.

Out of the blue DP came home for lunch today and announced he wants to split up. We are engaged, the wedding is booked for next year. He is an amazing step dad to dd1 and an incredible father to dd2.
I want to fix this and pleaded with him to tell me where the problem lies. I was under the impression everything was fine. He is the love of my life and I was so excited to spend forever with him.
He thinks things don't click anymore and he can't see us living happily together.
I'm heartbroken, I just don't know what to do. I've spoke to my Dm who has suggested I go there for a few nights but I don't know if this is the right thing to do.
Christ this hurts

I'm about a month on from a split. We weren't married but do have an 18 month old. Although ex was shagging numerous other people! I would just continue with your life as if you're split up as difficult as that may be.
I found it helped to sort the practical things but you may be different. Please please don't feel embarrassed. The shame is all his.
Let him cancel the wedding etc. You couldn’t trust him after this. Also, I should think there is more to the story than he is letting on. Not an ow necessarily, but something m

I'm so sorry

Going to your mums sounds like a sensible start to get some space.

You say he comes in and you go out? Could there be an element of ships passing in the night and he feels that's no way to live?

There is obviously something not right for him and I hope it isn't that there's an OW.

He works days and I leave for work 10 minutes after he gets in.

I know this is painful for you but I think that is the problem. You see each other for 10 minutes and then you're out to work. It might be his way of kicking off. If you love him fight for him you can't build a relationship when you only see each other for 10 minutes a day. You might have to compromise to build back up you're relationship. I don't think he wants to leave he would have left by now. Relationships are hard work show him that you do love him.

I'm sure you mean well sunshine but I doubt the OP and her partner chose the working hours they have but its what works with DC - have to pay the bills somehow!

I hope he gives you some closure OP it's the least he can do.

I categorically disagree. I'm sure there are days when that doesnt happen and they're together more. It's a fact of young family life that you may need to play tag team for a few years. A strong relationship with both parties committed will survive that.

So sorry

I know you've got a lot to think about but on a practical level you might want to check with the CAB to see if there are any benefits you're entitled to such as tax credits etc. They might also be able to advise you on the situation with housing etc.

Take care of yourself and come back and talk to us if you need to.

Sorry mine was in response to sunshine

Op awful situation.

I would say you go to your DM's but please dont expect him to get in touch I think you need to accept this is what he wants. I can assure you - begging NEVER NEVER NEVER HELPS.

Ever.

go to your mums, without a doubt. Let this play out op.

Agree that if anythings going to make him think twice, removing yourself calmly and accepting this WILL,

Begging, cow towing WILL NOT.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. When he dropped this bombshell on you, did he say anything about who would live where. He has obviously given this a lot of thought. I agree with pp that men don't usually end something without a fallback position, perhaps he has somewhere else lined up. Hugs ☕️

Could there be an element of ships passing in the night and he feels that's no way to live?

^^ Maybe there is but no need for sudden breaking off without talking about things and surely not the ops fault???? Its not a very kind way to end things.

I see what you both are saying I have been with my partner for 14 years. After having children it does test the relationship. I hope it works out for the op and he doesn't follow through. There were times when I thought the relationship was going to end its devastating. There was one thing I done and that was ignore him pretend he don't exist. It hurt but it done the trick that might work for you.

Maybe there is but no need for sudden breaking off without talking about things and surely not the ops fault???? Its not a very kind way to end things.

Is there any such thing as a good break up. It must be hard for him to.

I have only skimmed the thread - so not sure if this has been suggested - but is it the marriage thing that is scaring him ? Are you planning a big do - lots of cost ? Maybe if that was off the table things might look different ?

Once you get back make some time for you both to really talk - work out what the problem is and if it is fixable. If it isn't, you still need to talk to work out how best to make things work for the kids, and both of you.

Good luck.

What ever happens look into everything you are entitled to. Housing, tax credits etc etc. You will get through this no matter what.

Oh no I don't for one minute think his approach has been anyway fair or productive. I hope you didn't take offence by my post

It was what happened to me and XP. Except I could manage when he was at work and accepted it was the way things were at the time to lay the bills but he resented the fact he couldn't have the life he wanted because he had to be home when I was at work.
It was his issue - which should have been communicated - but his immaturity led it to be he couldn't accept and settle down to that life with a loom to the future that things could change.
I spent far too long agonising about what 'I'd' done - when in fact it was his issue - despite the fact I didn't enjoy the situation anymore than he did iyswim?

Have you thought about working from home. Starting a business you will see more of you're children. My partner will not entertain me getting a job outside of the house. I did once and it was merry hell he hated it. It stopped him from working more I live with a nut case. He is right I do earn more working from home than going out to work. There is earning potential when you are you're own boss.

My partner will not entertain me getting a job outside of the house. I did once and it was merry hell he hated it. It stopped him from working more I live with a nut case.

What worries me is that you see nothing wrong with the fact that your husband will not allow you to work out of the home. That he kicked off to such an extent that you backed down to facilitate him and that you consider him to be right, presumably in order to avoid more bullying and abuse.

Thats not normal you know.

I have 4 children and no family to help out. I have to be realistic.

That he kicked off to such an extent that you backed down

I didn't back down that easily I got pregnant again with baby no4 ( it was planned an 18 month wait ). Honestly he was earning more than me and he was trying to start up a business it got complicated and everything clashed. I worked to help out thats all it weren't my dream job. Its all paid off in the end thank God.

Oh op, it's an awful shock.
I remember a friend was 4 months from her wedding. Her parents had laid out a shed load of money, they had rings, house, dress, honeymoon and then the groom dropped the bomb.

He'd met her boss's secretary when with her( bride to be) at a works do.
Unbelievable and from that chance meeting, went on to have an affair and so on.

My poor friend lost about two stone overnight.

It can happen, sadly does happen. It just seems so cruel.
Yes, treat it like he's never coming back.

You'll get plenty of support of here.

Thanks all, I've arrived at mothers been fed and had a cuppa.
I do fully get what everyone is saying and I know I can manage on my own, I did it before with dd1. Only this time I really really don't want to lose what we have. I was hoping it was just cold feet and he didn't want the wedding, I could live with that.

With regards to the passing ships theory. We have no choice, the hours suit our needs we can't afford full time childcare for dd2. Very very outing but I don't work 2 days of the week due to the place I work closing before my possible start time so it's not like we have no time together.

I hope he sees sense you are lovely person. If he thinks the grass is greener else where then thats his problem. You will be fine.

I mean this kindly but it's not within your gift to decide that you don't want to lose what you have because HE has decided that. He has a right to end the relationship but he's done it in a very cowardly and shitty way.

I can't think how you'd ever be happy living on eggshells with this man if he did deign to decide to continue with the relationship but if you're determined then the only way is to make him feel the loss of you. What you have is only obviously visible to him if he no longer has it. There are no guarantees that he will want this but please, if you take no other advice here, don't beg him.

He knows you love him. He knows everything in fact. The sand under his feet has not shifted - yours has. He's holding all the cards and has all the power... right now.

The best thing you can possibly do is give him a wide berth right now. Spend the time with your mum and start working on a plan for a life with just you and your daughter because that is the only given right now. Make plans that don't include him and you will at least have started the process.

If he decides that he wants you back and you're foolish enough to go there then at least you know you have that plan in your pocket and that you could do it THIS TIME. I know you don't want to think about it because you've done it before and it's not what you want but at least have it in your back pocket ready to go.

You can do this, no matter what the outcome and you can be happy again in a while.