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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would it EVER be right to tell dd her dad didn't want her?

82 replies

malificent7 · 14/09/2016 22:14

When I was pregnant with dd, her dad put a lot of pressure on me to have an abortion. He was awful. It was a bitter sweet time.
We split up and he moved abroad before she was born. He's never seen her.
As soon as he saw the baby photos he was all over them and gushed big time. Contact has been sporadic to say the least with the occasional email or text.
Fast forward 8 years and I have the most amazing do who is the polar opposite of dad's dad. Kind, loves dd etc. he is very supportive of her and she throws it back in his face.
She keeps going on about how wonderful her real dad and how she never wants to see my dp again. This hurts me very much. She is on the verge of destroying my relationship with my do as I can't stand the emotional pressure.
I just want to say" your dad is a complete prick who wanted me to get rid of you." But of course I can't say this can I? She's 8.

I'm so hurt and torn so what can I say?

OP posts:

gettingtherequickly · 14/09/2016 22:16

No you can't. You know that already.

Cary2012 · 14/09/2016 22:18

Nothing, you say nothing.

Somerville · 14/09/2016 22:21

No you can't say that.

And actually she knows that her father isn't like that of her friends, or on TV. She must do. And that's possibly what is behind her rejecting your DP.

You need to learn not to take is personally when she says she never wants to see your dp again. It's not personal to you - don't take it like it is. It might even not be personal to him, depending what he's like.

You also might want to look into some form of family therapy with you and your DD and/or slowing down your relationship until it's at a pace she can accept. (How long have you been with DP and is he actually a partner - living together etc?)

bert3400 · 14/09/2016 22:23

Be patient with your daughter . My father never wanted me but I only found out when I was an adult, my mum never said a bad word about him . Please please please don't tell your DD that she was not wanted by her father. Her disapproval towards your DP will change but you can never take back that awful Information about her real Dad.

Pinkheart5915 · 14/09/2016 22:23

It must be tough for your OP. I sounds like your DD understandably has built up her "real" dad to be something he isn't in her head.

Have you been with your new partner long? It could be your DD worries secretly that he will leave, If you've not been together long. In time she should hopefully realise that isn't the case

My nephews Mum didn't want him she found out too late about the pregnancy so couldn't have an abortion, and if my brother hadn't of took him she would of put him up for adoption. My nephew was 2 days old when his Mum last saw him then she walked away, no contact, no Maintence, no birthday cards nothing!
When my nephew was younger my brother use to just say that mummy couldn't look after him, so she left him with daddy because she knew he'd take good care of him but my nephew is now 13 and is asking more questions, my brother like you is really struggling over what to say.

I mean how do you tell a child that there parent didn't want them, it's so difficult.

I hope somebody will be able to offer you some advice op

allthatnonsense · 14/09/2016 22:24

No, never.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 14/09/2016 22:26

No you absolutely can not do that!

CodyKing · 14/09/2016 22:27

Have you asked DD what she thinks her dads like?

Disney etc spend so much on an imagine of meeting and everything is wonderful type plot - but the reality is somewhat different!!

He may be a secret millionaire prince!! Ready to rescue her from the evil parents -

Just ask to get some perspective

slightlyinsane · 14/09/2016 22:28

My mum told my sister she wasn't wanted, the most stupid thing you could ever do. My sis and dad have no relationship at all because of it, she is very bitter and twisted about him.

Eatthecake · 14/09/2016 22:29

It must be so tough when she saying what a great man he is etc and I can see why you'd want to tell her the truth but there is no nice way of telling a child that mummy/daddy didn't want them.

I grew with previous poster that your DD has build up an Image in her head of what "real" dad is like, and I think that's natural for a young child when they don't know a parent. I don't know what you can do about that really, I think it's just a process she has to deal with.

Is your relationship fairly new? She might improve with your dp once she knows him better

ALaughAMinute · 14/09/2016 22:30

If you tell your daughter it could affect her profoundly for the rest of her life. Don't do it.

Original poster

malificent7 · 14/09/2016 22:33

Thanks all. I am not going to tell her. It's very hard to hear her go on about how wonderful her dad is and that my partner is crap when the opposite is true.
I feel like she's trying to split me up from this wonderful man.

OP posts:

g1nthemystery · 14/09/2016 22:33

As a kid of divorce I had built up my father like your daughter. As far as I remember my mother never said anything bad about him, whereas he said awful things about her.

Eventually at the age of 10 I discovered the truth on my own that my father didn't want me and didn't really care. It was enough for me to beg my mum to not let him take me for any more visitation, and eventually my then step dad adopted me after I insisted (we both wanted it).

I was a terrible daughter to my adoptive dad sometimes, but after I realised everything he'd done that my biological father hadn't, I adored him - still do.

Unfortunately I think she needs to work it out herself, and she will. And when she does it'll hurt, but she'll realise her dad was actually your partner all along.

comedycentral · 14/09/2016 22:33

Do not do it, I can't believe you have even considered it.

Original poster

malificent7 · 14/09/2016 22:34

I have been referred to family therapy... Tbh it has messed with my head!

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 14/09/2016 22:34

Your Dd is maybe saying this about her dad because the reality of him not being around is worse so she has made up fantasy dad please dont tell her she will get used to your partner he doesnt have to be her dad atm he is your boyfriend and that is ok he doesnt need to be dad untill she is ready

Sparklesilverglitter · 14/09/2016 22:35

I can honestly see why you would want to but you can't. It could really effect her being told her own dad didn't want her

She's done something natural and build up an Image of what he is like and of course his the best thing ever but the reality would be some what different and she must know that kind of when she sees the dads her friends have got

Keep showing your DD that she's loved and if your dp keeps trying with her in the end she will let him in

comedycentral · 14/09/2016 22:35

Your 8 year old is NOT trying to split you from your wonderful man, she's a child. Her real Dad's behavior seems to have left her craving for his attention.

SharonfromEON · 14/09/2016 22:35

My DS doesn't see his dad..

I think there is a balance..I don't lie about Ex...I also don't make him out to he a knight in shinning armour..As he isn't and I don't want him spending his childhood on wanting someone who doesn't care.

I have had conversations when he has talked about what other dads did..I pointed out some dads sit in front of TV all night..Some are more interested in how much money they can make...Etc....We talked about everyday life . It may be worth thinking about what she thinks.

I think it is also worth addressing..No matter what happens you will never be in a relationship with dad.

I would also talk about what probs she has with DP....Is it too much too soon for her? is it about sharing you if her dad has never been around.

torontonian · 14/09/2016 22:35

That is only going to hurt your DD, not her "real" dad. Please, don't say something so hurtful to her.

comedycentral · 14/09/2016 22:36

Family therapy may really help you to overcome this, it sounds confusing and difficult

Original poster

malificent7 · 14/09/2016 22:37

I would never seriously do it but I needed to vent on here after being pushed to the limits ( again) by her tantruming over my dp and wanting her dad.

OP posts:

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 14/09/2016 22:37

Maybe the way to go is he didn't want a baby not her personally. He wasnt ready to be a father but maybe one day he will realise what a fab dd she is etc. Surely letting her place him on a pedestal isn't healthy and is potentially setting her up for a bloody big fall?

stonecircle · 14/09/2016 22:39

But surely as she gets older she'll work it out for herself - if he was so great he'd see her regularly etc. I don't see why you would need to say anything at all.

EverySongbirdSays · 14/09/2016 22:46

You can't posibly think a child has the power "to split you up" and if she does have the power is a little madam indeed.

Is it not more likely it has always been you and her and this new relationship poses a threat?

I'm sure I read one somewhere were widowed Dad had got in the habit of treating eldest DD as best friend not DD and then couldn't re-establish that she was a child when it suited for new relationship and "grown up time"

I echo comments about Fantasy Dad - I've done a lot with kids in care and they do this build the worst parents up to be paragons of virtue even though they know what they are really.

I think therapy sounds a good idea for you, from what you've said I think there might be some unhealthy aspects to how you and DD relate that need tweaking.

The introduction of the new DP is also majorly important and needs to be delicately done. A friend in her 20s recalls feeling like her stepdad just appeared from nowhere when she was a child and started calling the shots.... it took her to move out in her teens before she was able to have a decent relationship with either parent.

Did you move him into her life slowly, or quickly?

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