Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would it EVER be right to tell dd her dad didn't want her?

82 replies

malificent7 · 14/09/2016 22:14

When I was pregnant with dd, her dad put a lot of pressure on me to have an abortion. He was awful. It was a bitter sweet time.
We split up and he moved abroad before she was born. He's never seen her.
As soon as he saw the baby photos he was all over them and gushed big time. Contact has been sporadic to say the least with the occasional email or text.
Fast forward 8 years and I have the most amazing do who is the polar opposite of dad's dad. Kind, loves dd etc. he is very supportive of her and she throws it back in his face.
She keeps going on about how wonderful her real dad and how she never wants to see my dp again. This hurts me very much. She is on the verge of destroying my relationship with my do as I can't stand the emotional pressure.
I just want to say" your dad is a complete prick who wanted me to get rid of you." But of course I can't say this can I? She's 8.

I'm so hurt and torn so what can I say?

OP posts:
headinhands · 15/09/2016 06:58

Gosh no. It could be she is beginning to feel that her bio dad actually isn't all that great and it's making her feel some difficult feelings. Just lay down the usual boundaries of not saying unkind things with the normal admonishments/sanctions etc. How is it actually causing problems in your current relationship?

LyndaNotLinda · 15/09/2016 07:09

No of course don't tell her. But you really need to slow this relationship down. She's had you all to herself for 8 years and suddenly you expect her to treat your boyfriend like a dad?

Please don't resent her for her feelings. They are legitimate.

TheNaze73 · 15/09/2016 07:09

That would be an horrific thing to say. Absolutely never, would be the right time

JacquettaWoodville · 15/09/2016 07:16

Op

From your first post, I thought that you and DP had been together since she was a baby, making this closer to a parental relationship.

8 months is very early, especially if you've not introduced her to another boyfriend. If it wasn't this topic, she'd probably be saying something else eg "don't date a man with freckles, I don't like freckles" - it's about her being unsettled.

How has he been with her? Is he being "parental" eg telling her to do homework? Or more like any other friend who has popped over?

WannaBe · 15/09/2016 07:58

It never ceases to amaze me that because a parent loves someone the assumption is that their children should automatically love them as well. Not only that, but that they should embrace them as a parental figure.

OP, it concerns me that you have sold this man to your DD as a potential father figure hence the comments about her wanting her real dad. Why else would she be lashing out saying she wanted her real dad and not him?

I don't think that a child should be able to dictate whether a parent has relationships but I do think that there is middle ground between a parent just embracing the whole relationship with the expectation that the children need to suck it up. If a child is telling you that they don't like your partner or your relationship then you need to talk this through with them and establish the reasons behind it. And it's not always going to be just about jealousy, it may be that they genuinely don't like them, or the way in which they're expected to relate to them, and actually, they're entitled to those feelings, whether we as parents like it or not.

The fact is that this man is not even remotely in a place to be acting as a father figure to your DD yet. You've been in the relationship for eight months, even you can't be sure that it will last as you're still in the honeymoon phase. You need to step way, way back in terms of the expectations of the relationship between this man and your DD and your expectations of her. And while she needs to be polite and considerate, you need to also talk to her about what she's feeling and why.

Also, is it really true that her dad is shit? Or is it that you got pregnant during a casual relationship and he didn't want the baby while you were pregnant, he moved abroad and once she was born he has embraced her, but because he lives abroad that relationship is automatically going to be more sporadic? Be careful to write someone off based on their reaction to a pregnancy announcement. Bearing in mind many women post here saying they're considering termination when they find themselves unexpectedly pregnant, who then go on to have the baby anyway. Nobody judges them for not wanting the baby at pregnancy stage.

You can never, ever tell her what you think of her dad. Because actually, her relationship with him is separate from yours, and even if you despise him, he is a good dad in her head and whether this is true or not she has to come to that realisation herself. And it's possible that there relationship will be positive, and again, you cannot control that based on your own feelings towards him. Added to that, if you were to express your feelings towards him this will just drive your DD further away from you.

NightCzar · 15/09/2016 08:07

I was horrible to my stepdad at that age. He'd been in my life since I was 3 but at around 8 or 9 I decided that he was the reason I didn't have my mum's undivided attention any more. I didn't want them to split up but I did resent him being there, if that makes sense.

Can you do some more things just the two of you? She's only young and there are suddenly two extra people in her life, with DP's kid too. I think the real dad is a bit of a red herring and she just wants to know she's still special. Her real dad in her fantasies has only her and she can imagine she is special to him. You need to show her she's still special to her. Even if she's being a brat.

Somerville · 15/09/2016 08:12

So he's not your DP. He's your boyfriend.

Listen, you've decided to slow things down. That's undoubtedly right. And it doesn't mean she's dictating your adult relationships because what you do and who you see when she's at school or with a babysitter is still up to you. But she's telling you clearly that playing happy families at the weekend is not what she's up for right now.

It sounds like you beat yourself up a lot about coping as a parent. Lone parenting is tough - hardest thing I've ever done. But your child is 8 - not long left until 9 which is the half way point for having a dependant child. Another 9 years after that and she'll be independent, and the teen years on the way to that point are all about your relationship changing so that when you don't have to spend time together any more you both still choose to.

Oh, and faster than you imagine, she'll have boyfriends of her own giving you lot of opportunity to model how to behave towards a boyfriend you're not keen on. Grin

Porpoises · 15/09/2016 08:27

Sounds a hard situation for both you and her.

I think part of her sees, deep down, that her dad is not there for her like her friends' dads. But that's a horribly painful thing to accept. Young children naturally believe that they are the centre of the universe and that they cause everything - ever tried to stop something happening as a child by not treading on the cracks in the pavement? So if he doesn't treat her well, she doesnt have the cognitive ability yet to see that this is because of him as an individual human, she would be likely to think it's because she's unlovable. Hence she has to make up a fantasy to avoid those feelings.

I agree with you that slowing things down with new partner is a good idea. No she doesn't get to control your relationship, but she does get to control who she sees as her dad. However lovely he is, he needs to be 'mum's partner' rather than 'dad' until she is ready, which might take years. Its not as simple for her as just deciding to like him because he is nice. She has to deal with huge feelings about sharing you, and about how this highlights to her that her relationship with her own dad is so lacking :(

Its actually in many ways a good sign that she is tantrumming to you and telling you her feelings (as far as she is able to understand them). It means she feels safe with you, unlike the insecure relationship she has with her dad.

You said you had crap parenting role models - i think given the circumstances you are doing a good job :)

whirlwinds · 15/09/2016 08:34

I am sitting with information that dsd1 and 2 where unwanted by their mother, whilst dss was wanted. dsd1 fell into favour when dsd2 was born. Never told them, not going to as it leads to nothing good.

hiyahen · 15/09/2016 08:44

It's taken you 8 years to become the mother of an 8 year old OP. I think it would be unfair to expect that your daughter would have the same level of trust for a father figure that has only been in that role for 8 months. I'd say give them time.

Totally agree with other posters that she's probably looking for attention. She's used to having you to herself, now she has to share you and that will of course make her act out against the person that (she sees) is taking you away from her.

And yes to the idea of the fantasy dad. She'll be writing her own fairytale in her head.

I think time and patience with her is the key here Smile

malificent7 · 15/09/2016 08:44

His reaction was to try to bully me into an abortion. Great reaction.

OP posts:
TheBakeryQueen · 15/09/2016 08:45

I think she needs reassurance from you that you will always love her and that she is the most important person in the world to you etc etc.

I think her real dad not wanting to be a father and not wanting her are two separate things and I don't think you can say the latter is true. It would be really spiteful to tell her this. It would make things worse not better.

She probably sees your partner with his child and realises what she has never had- a present father in her life. She is clearly hurting, and at 8, that will show in difficult behaviour.

Regardless of your difficulties, you're the adult, you're the one who is responsible for making this situation as easy on her as possible.

Don't rush their relationship. He isn't her dad, she can't love him the way you do and doesn't have to.

Spend time with her and keep the meetings with him and his daughter to a minimum and build up gradually.

I'd insist on politeness for those short meetings, tell her she is entitled to her feelings but to try & behave nicely. Praise her to the heavens for any good behaviour but allow her her feelings. She had every right to how she feels.

MrsJayy · 15/09/2016 08:47

As everyone is saying just slow down your DD isnt trying to split you up she is just unsure what happening she is 8 you can't rush her to like him or accept him as a dad hr doesn't need to be her dad you are her only stable constant parent and your new fella has shook her

MrsJayy · 15/09/2016 08:51

I was horrible to my step dad even though my dad saw Me a handful of times and was a violent drunk but at 9/10 he was the bees knees and everybody else was stopping him seeing me it must be a. Protection tool as the reality is hurtful to a kid

JacquettaWoodville · 15/09/2016 08:52

Her biological dad behaved very badly to you when you were pregnant, which she doesn't know and Is actually nothing to do with her as a person. It's not that he didn't want "her", it's that he didn't want a baby.

If I got pregnant again, I would probably have an abortion as I am happy with my current number of DC:. If it came to it and I couldn't go through with it, I'd expect that child to be devastated if anyone ever said, "I'm surprised your mum didn't have a termination, she always said she only wanted two kids"

None of this excuses the bullying of yourself, but can you see how a child might hear "your dad wanted me to abort you"?

Separately, he hasn't necessarily been a very good dad to her if contact is sporadic etc. However, she can observe that for herself. How many times a year does he see her?

malificent7 · 15/09/2016 09:00

I started off so happy with this man. Im still happy with him but my daughters distress is making me v distressed.

OP posts:
Simmi1 · 15/09/2016 09:01

Please please don't tell her her real dad didn't want her. That would be incredibly cruel and selfish. I agree with pps who have said that at that point in time he didn't want to be a father - that's not the same as not wanting her. She's still a child and trying to make sense of her home situation as compared to that of her friends. Go slowly with your DP and be understanding of how your DD is feeling.

JacquettaWoodville · 15/09/2016 09:25

Op, why not start a new thread seeking advice on helping your DD adjust?

Dollius01 · 15/09/2016 09:37

OP, your DD knows very well her dad doesn't want her - she can see her friends' dads around and knows this. Now you have a new relationship, she is scared you are going to leave her as well.

You need to slow this new relationship right down. Really. And I think your attitude about not believing your child should dictate your relationships is all wrong. She is 8! You have plenty of time for romantic relationships when she is much older. Your DD needs your complete attention now.

AGruffaloCrumble · 15/09/2016 09:49

You need to put your daughter's feelings first here. I'm not saying dump him but definitely take some steps back and definitely do not tell her her dad didn't want her. Regardless of what he said to you when you were pregnant, your relationship with him is not her relationship with him and it's not your place to break it apart, as little as it is.

jeaux90 · 15/09/2016 10:39

Hey OP. Similar here. Single parent, DD is 7. He hasn't seen her since she was 2 but he is an abusive narc so different circumstances. He also lives in a different country.

Now, sometimes she says 'I wish I had a daddy' or she talks him up. I temper this by telling her all the people who do love her and do great things with her rather than talk about what he is or what his feelings are/were. Try some positive re-enforcement to combat the fantasy dad. She will come to her own conclusion in time is my theory. Your DP sounds like a great guy, I hope you are both hanging in there. xxx

HappyAsASandboy · 15/09/2016 11:51

I think my approach would be to talk honestly to my DD about men/partners/children and the relationships between them all.

I would be showing and telling my DD that I understand why she thinks her dad is great (which is different to telling her you think he's great) and steering the conversation round to how you feel that her dad let you both down and is not as supportive as you think he should be. Meanwhile you can reassure her that your relationship with her is very different; that you will always be there - to wash socks / provide dinners / listen / guide /shout at / cry with - the whole hog.

Once you've got the concepts of unreliable relationships out there, and established that your relationship with her is different I'd be honest with her that neither of you can rely on your DP yet, because he is a new partner. But that he won't change the relationship between you and DD. I would be open about the possibility that one day you might both realise that actually you can depend on your new DP, but that you might not and that's ok.

Basically try to give her unshakable trust in your relationship with her. And then the freedom to accept/rely on your DP one say if she thinks he is worthy of it, but to simply treat him as one of your friends if that's as far as it goes. Meanwhile, her relationship with her dad is seperate to the whole thing ....

malificent7 · 15/09/2016 12:57

All fantastic advice.... thank you!

Ive known him since school and he was always lovely then.

Dd is too important. Last night was wierd as she said she never wanted to see him again. Then she said she didnt want me to dump him as she loved him. Poor confused darling.

OP posts:
malificent7 · 15/09/2016 12:58

Also i might have plenty time for romantic relationships but i want THIS man. If it wasnt him id rather stay single.

OP posts:
minipie · 15/09/2016 13:19

I agree with the previous posters, sounds like she's unsettled at the speed of your relationship with DP. She likes him but doesn't want him around as much as you've had him around. She is lashing out at him/you as a result - and the things she says about her bio dad are just one way of her lashing out.

So I would say, reassure her that she is the most important thing to you and you will always put her first. Ask her if she would prefer to see a bit less of DP. That's not the same as letting her dictate your adult relationship IMO - it's letting her dictate how much she sees of your DP which is different. If she says yes, that might mean that you see less of him as a knock on effect (as I guess you'd have to see DP mainly after she is in bed) but the message you're giving her is not that she has control over your relationships, but that she has control over hers. And wouldn't it be worth seeing a bit less of DP for a while so she can get used to the relationship slowly, rather than her feeling overwhelmed and rejecting him?