Would it EVER be right to tell dd her dad didn't want her?

[malificent7]

When I was pregnant with dd, her dad put a lot of pressure on me to have an abortion. He was awful. It was a bitter sweet time.
We split up and he moved abroad before she was born. He's never seen her.
As soon as he saw the baby photos he was all over them and gushed big time. Contact has been sporadic to say the least with the occasional email or text.
Fast forward 8 years and I have the most amazing do who is the polar opposite of dad's dad. Kind, loves dd etc. he is very supportive of her and she throws it back in his face.
She keeps going on about how wonderful her real dad and how she never wants to see my dp again. This hurts me very much. She is on the verge of destroying my relationship with my do as I can't stand the emotional pressure.
I just want to say" your dad is a complete prick who wanted me to get rid of you." But of course I can't say this can I? She's 8.

I'm so hurt and torn so what can I say?

It's great that you've got a good'un.

Rather than thinking about it as taking my relationship (first - hopefully only - one post their father dying) at my children's pace, I try to rephrase it in my mind as building a strong foundation. Actually my fiancé used this phrase first - he read it in a book about step-parenting and it resonated. We're viewing it that not only do we have a relationship to build but mine with each of my children and theirs all with each other as well as with him all shift and adjust as a result of him being in their lives, and need building. Going too fast will mean part of the foundation of whatever we build not being strong which is the last thing we want. Does that make sense?

She sounds very conflicted, poor thing.

he is very kind and gentle. Dd says she wants me to parent more like him.

I wonder if she has taken a look at how he parents his own DD, and suddenly thought "Wait, where is my dad? Why doesn't he call me/Skype me/visit me/etc?" And that thought is to unsettling to her that she is lashing out in temper tantrums etc. Do you think that could be the case?

Absolutely not, you will break your daughters heart!! whatever feelings you have for her father, you need to keep them to yourself.

For whatever reason he chose not to be a part of her or your life... he's made his decision and you both have to live with it but your daughter deserves the chance to have a happy childhood without believing that she wasn't wanted by her father.

You're being so unfair to your dd.

She's only 8 and your resentment of her is as clear as day.

It is not her fault that she's struggling because you've decided to sprint into a relationship with some man.

I think you are approaching this correctly by slowing down the contact for now. It is a big thing for your daughter for you to suddenly have a man in your life. Her comments are a sign that she is having trouble adjusting. Try to see them as that, rather than seeing them as expressing a dislike of your boyfriend or real love for her useless father. Kids behave like this when they are upset. They don´t have the emotional or linguistic skills yet to express how they are feeling in the way that adults can. So reactions like your daughter´s are not uncommon.

I would make sure you get lots of time just the two of you, spend time with your boyfriend but keep it within reason and let your daughter adjust gradually. Definitely don´t let her dictate your relationship, but you don´t have to make it harder for her either. Be a bit more sensitive to her needs.

Don't tell her. As her Mum it's your job to protect her from the harsh truths of the world. She will find out in her own time what kind of man her Father is.

If she asks questions as to where and why I'd say sugar coat. He wasn't ready to be a Father etc.

My best friend had a very similar situation. Her Father left, her Mother remarried, she resented him her entire childhood but he loved her unconditionally. As she got older, she worked out for herself who was her 'Dad' was.

She's eight years old, she probably watching her friends with their Fathers and getting very jealous and resentful she does not have the same relationship. Give her time. She'll work through these feelings with the love and support of you and DH.

Try and get the message across to your DD, that her dad will always be her dad and your boyfriend is not trying to take his place and that you wouldn't allow that to happen.