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Original poster

Would it EVER be right to tell dd her dad didn't want her?

82 replies

malificent7 · 14/09/2016 22:14

When I was pregnant with dd, her dad put a lot of pressure on me to have an abortion. He was awful. It was a bitter sweet time.
We split up and he moved abroad before she was born. He's never seen her.
As soon as he saw the baby photos he was all over them and gushed big time. Contact has been sporadic to say the least with the occasional email or text.
Fast forward 8 years and I have the most amazing do who is the polar opposite of dad's dad. Kind, loves dd etc. he is very supportive of her and she throws it back in his face.
She keeps going on about how wonderful her real dad and how she never wants to see my dp again. This hurts me very much. She is on the verge of destroying my relationship with my do as I can't stand the emotional pressure.
I just want to say" your dad is a complete prick who wanted me to get rid of you." But of course I can't say this can I? She's 8.

I'm so hurt and torn so what can I say?

OP posts:
RoamingRhonda · 14/09/2016 22:50

Say nothing. Least said the better. Button it & let it unfold Smile

DixieWishbone · 14/09/2016 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoamingRhonda · 14/09/2016 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Footle · 14/09/2016 23:05

Rhonda, you what ?

WatchMeSoar · 14/09/2016 23:05

No, never tell her.

I'm so sorry but no good can come from you telling her the truth but I do understand why you would want to.

DadWasHere · 14/09/2016 23:09

Come on OP, think about it. If a woman wanted an abortion but was not allowed by law to have one, or was talked out of it by others, is that something she would ever tell her daughter? If your daughter is an adult, 24 or so, perhaps yes, there is a case for talking about these kinds of things because it helps young adult children understand complex choices and realities. But if she is still a kid, zip your lip.

PushingThru · 14/09/2016 23:13

Never say it. Never, ever, ever. Encourage her relationship with your DP & talk to him about this. Saying this to her won't cause a bounce in affection for your DP.

EverySongbirdSays · 14/09/2016 23:24

Pardon Rhonda?

TheFlyingFauxPas · 14/09/2016 23:45

One point. I would not stay with a man if my son didn't like him. He may love her and be supportive to her but if I were in that situation I would end the relationship. My son is more important to me than any man.

It may be because of her feelings towards her real dad that make her feel like this about him but it also may not. It could be simply that she doesn't like him. I think she should come first.
As for issue if her real dad. I believe in telling children as much as they can handle for their age. There are ways of saying things. Yes at the moment she sees him as superdad but he's not. You could focus on the fact that he walked out on you rather than he 'did not want her'. She will be curious and she will want to know about him. Better for you to tell her the truth (kind of) rather than her trying to fill in gaps for herself.

chipmonkey · 15/09/2016 01:23

My niece was awful to my sister's new dp when she was around your dd's age. It was because she liked it when it was just dsis and her and didn't want dsis' dp coming in and ruining everything. He was very patient and in time she grew to love him. If your dp is patient and kind with your dd, she will probably come round but you need to give her time.

stolemyusername · 15/09/2016 01:46

How long have you been in the relationship with your DP op?

I think that she has an absolute fantasy in her head of what she imagines her real dad is like, and if your DP would just get out of the way he could swoop back in and you would all live in a castle and have a happy ever after.

Unfortunately the distance means that she isn't confronted with the reality of what who he really is, he's not letting her down all the time as there are no plans to see him. Basically her dad is a figment of her imagination, only he has a real face.

No you can't tell her the truth (although I can see why it would be tempting), the fact that she's not met him (?) I think would be quite upsetting for a young girl, and she's probably only recently realised that it's not the same for her peers. Take her to the family therapy too, it sounds like she needs some support processing everything.

Original poster
malificent7 · 15/09/2016 06:03

She does like him and his daughter. She told me she liced him ladt night hut she wantsbher teal dad.
In any case, i dont belive in finishing with a wonderful man because my child dosnt 'like' him. What is tgat teaching her? That she dictates my adult rekationshios? No. She does come first but part of lifes lessons is learning to rub alongside people she may not like eg... at work, school etc.

I think this is part of the problem. Im feeling resentful as i dont think my child should dictate my adult relationships.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 15/09/2016 06:04

Its an 8 month relationship but we were friends before and our girls are friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 15/09/2016 06:06

Typos.... ahhhrrr!

OP posts:
Lunar1 · 15/09/2016 06:16

Bloody hell I thought this was going to be a long term relationship over years and I would have had a bit of sympathy. But 8 months is just nothing, date the man and go out for an odd day trip with your children. But there is no need for much more than that.

Your daughter may need a lot of time to adjust. While it's true you have to get on with people in life you don't like, school/work is very different to home. Hopefully you are not planning to move in together any time soon.

Your daughter needs time. Is the family therapy just for you and dd?

SealSong · 15/09/2016 06:16

She is not trying to dictate your relationships ( although it may seem like that). She is trying to express her hurt and mixed up feelings about het 'real' dad and the relationships in her life. Eight is a difficult age for these things. They tend to be very 'black and white' in their thinking and wanting to conform to the norms and stereotypes they see around them re how family life 'should be'.
Let her know you understand how hard and confusing it just be for her. Don't go too fast with your new relationship. Eight months is nothing. He may be 'the one' and there for keeps but she doesn't know that; it's a deeply in stabilising time for her. Try to see things through her eyes.
It's OK to put boundaries around behaviour however, e.g it's not ok to be rude to your boyfriend, but encourage her to let out and share her feelings more appropriately to you.
It's very early days, you need to give her time, cuddles and love.

SealSong · 15/09/2016 06:18

Unstabilising, not in stabilising

ravenmum · 15/09/2016 06:20

My dad used to have foster children and they would sometimes make up stories about their birth family being rich, them having their own horse, that kind of thing. Pure wishful thinking.

Maybe your partner is trying a bit too hard with your daughter and she would like him off her back? It's hard when you suddenly have to share your home and mum with a stranger.

christinarossetti · 15/09/2016 06:21

Eight months is still a very new relationship, esp when there are children involved.

How much time do you spend with your dp and his daughter?

Your dd's issues with her bio father are separate from her issues with your dp, even if she isn't able to understand that.

Sounds like you need to slow the relationship down a little to give her a bit more adjustment time.

Ditsy4 · 15/09/2016 06:23

No never.tell her that and she might end up with Mental Health problems certainly issues with self esteem.
I think she is. Probably jealous of your relationship. She has had you to herself for a long time.

whattheseithakasmean · 15/09/2016 06:25

OMG, I am shocked by how much you resent your daughter when you have only be with this man for 8 months. Give the girl a chance, just because you think he is wonderful does not mean you have to. When will women reason that just because they think they have found the man with the golden cock, that does not mean their children have to like them? Why should she. she didn't choose to have him in her life?

Original poster
malificent7 · 15/09/2016 06:42

Lol at golden cock!!! Thats brilliant!

You are right that we should slow things down and we agreed to do just that a few weeks ago. So date nights only. Weekends with our kids only etc. Its healthy for all of us!

Its not just his golden cock that i love... its his golden personality. I mean that as he is very kind and gentle. Dd says she wants me to parent more like him.
We were friends and our dds were friends before we met which is why we rushed. Also a bit selfish and blinded by love.

This is a seperate issue but i dont think it gelos that im finding mothethood incredibly toufh. My own mum was awful to ne so j have no role models. I just dont know uf i can be responsible for someone elses mental health when my own is so fragile.
It just seems so easy to mess kids up. Im just struggling with how something that has been so natural to me such as being with my dp has severely affected my dd.
Im struggling a lot with the changes motherhood has brought me too. :-(

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 15/09/2016 06:43

Helps even! Sorry typos

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 15/09/2016 06:52

Family therapy can be shit by the way.

You can also put your foot down about your own relationships. She is 8. It is your life and your relationship. My eldest DD was just 9 when DP and I got together. I had been single since my divorce when she was 3. She felt it was reasonable to insist I stay single until she's 18/left home. It wasn't / isn't. I said if she wished I'd split with DP but I would not remain single and it was very unlikely she'd ever be as lucky with a step dad as we are with him.

She loves him and is secure about it now, and is as foul to him as me in her grim pre-teen moments.

I think you need to separate out her Dad and your relationship with your DP. He's not her Dad, he never will be. Work along those lines. But insist on respectful behavior from her.

You can point out some home truths about who is actually their dealing with stuff and let her draw her own conclusions.
He chose to move abroad/run away.
Who hasn't gone to parents meetings?
Where is he at birthdays and Christmases?
But don't bring DP into those discussions. They are about being a good/present parent.

You can discuss the fact that he will always disappoint her and dealing with that. You can point out that you were disappointed by his choices when you were pregnant. And that being nasty to your DP isn't going to make her Dad appear.

Good luck.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 15/09/2016 06:58

I think deep down she knows her dad doesn't want her.

I wonder if she's afraid of losing you to this other man and his daughter.

Children can be very simplistic. Maybe it's accepting that the fantasy of you and her dad one day getting back together is over. Maybe she doesn't want you to be a "mum" figure to this other girl because she doesn't want to share you..

Also new situations can be uncomfortable to kids. You have to reassure her about your relationship with her.

My DS met my partner when we were together six months. He met him as a friend. I asked him if he was ok with me going on a date with him. He said yes and we took it from there.

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