Would you let your partner do this?

[Kruckshany]

Me and OH have been together 4 years. We have a DS 1yo.

He has always liked gaming and other than work it's really his only social circle (he sees these people outside of gaming too but it's the thing that connects them all iyswim)

The PC is in our bedroom (only place it will really work out properly) but he plays this game loudly talking over mic from about 9pm-1/2am. Meaning I have moved into the spare room to get sleep.

In all other ways he's a fantastic father and partner but it's driving me mad. He feels like has compromised because we spend from 7pm-9pm together. It makes me feel really crappy that he doesn't care it's made me move rooms. (He refuses to sleep in the spare room because he doesn't like the bed )

What would you do?

Swap the beds around?

I'm going to call the wrath of Mumsnet on my head, but I woildn't contemplate forming a relationship with a person who is a more than casual gamer. Particularly one who considered it a sacrifice to spend time with me.
And driving you out of the bedroom is utterly unacceptable.
When you're home and he's not, move the whole game console and associated stuff into the spare room. And have a serious talk about what's acceptable and what you both want from the relationship.

That's too much time IMO.

Though I don't "let" my DH do anything. He's an adult and makes his own choices.

I totally agree with BertrandRussell. I wouldn't have considered him a good life partner either. It's not possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who considers time together a compromise in being away from his games.

He can do what he wants - but he wouldn't be doing that in the same house as me, never mind the same bedroom

I also wouldn't have a relationship with a 'gamer' as I prefer a grown-up adult

No way would I have that.

Fuck no. Bedroom is for sleeping. If anybody wants to spend their evening playing loud games or similar that won't let their partner sleep, they need to find some other venue for that. How inconsiderate of him.

DH and I are both gamers, and we'll often be on our consoles or PCs until quite late (generally me later than DH as I'm the night owl). Our devices are in the lounge though - I don't think it's appropriate to have them in a bedroom. Obviously I don't know your house layout, but I'd be surprised if the PC couldn't be moved to another room if you moved some things around/used extension leads.

Costa I am a gamer (I wouldn't behave like this) and I can assure you I am a "grown-up adult"

No wrath of MN here - I'm with Bertrand, absolutely.
No way I'd put up with that.

Then you must be the only one traveller

I would feel slightly differently if he was sitting up all night in the living room blowing things up but it wouldn't be happening in our bedroom.

I'd swap the master bedroom and spare room over, so he does his hobby in the spare room.

I'd move beds, as suggested, or everything else to the spare bedroom and make it my own. He'd be barred from it and I'd leave the other room to him.

How is he a fantastic father and partner?

No way! The pc needs to be in the spare room. Games/TVs etc shouldnt be on in a shared bedroom once one of the people has decided to sleep. Its really cruel to do that.

Compromise. I would switch the beds around and make the spare room into our room, change the decor make it a nice space.

What time do you go to bed? I would reach a compromise with dh that he not game until I went off to bed so that we could have some quality time, or that he does the gaming a couple of nights a week before that time and the rest of the nights is our time.

My dh has a hobby that takes him away from home a fair bit, we work on compromise that the time he is here, he spends as quality time with us and that he pulls his weight around the house and with childcare. Relationships are about give and take in my opinion.

I'm really not Costa. I have many friends who are too. We have houses, jobs, grown-up girl pants and everything!

Move the fucking console, what the hell is it doing in the bedroom?!

I can't understand how people submit to this kind of shit. How does he get to dictate what bed you sleep in or when you sleep? If he wants to sit up gaming fine (unless it's impacting on care of DC etc) but this needs to be in a way that doesn't impact you.

Stand up to him, unplug the console, move it, swap the beds around, anything but this!

The PC is in our bedroom (only place it will really work out properly)

Why? How?

YY to swapping rooms / PC location. This is fine if it doesn't impact on you, your relationship and his engagement with the family, but I expect it would.

If the computer doesn't work properly anywhere else then he needs to find out WHY and fix that. I wouldn;t accept this shit OP. It's bad!

Obviously the standard 'I don't let my husband do anything' applies here - if he felt his hobby was impacting on our time together then I think he'd stop.

I'm a gamer though (with a job and kids and everything else!!) but appreciate it's just a hobby and comes second to family, career, friends etc. Is it an online game he's playing which means he has to 'raid' or similar at a certain time? When I played WoW it didn't take me long to realise it's near impossible to commit to that sort of hobby while still spending a substantial amount of time with my friends (didn't have partner or kids then) and realised that actually I wasn't willing to put it first in my list of priorities so I stopped.

Ultimately I wouldn't make my husband swap the computers round but it would be a bit of a red flag for me if he wasn't willing to compromise on it...

Yep, console and him in spare room pronto.

Gaming machines don't belong in sleeping spaces. Not even with headphones. All that bloody clicking and groaning and bright light from the screen! Aaaaaaaaaaargh.

Move the machine or move the bed.

In this day and age there is no reason why the computer only works in one room and yes move the beds around, he sounds like a real knob will no thought about you getting sleep.

Lokis you hit the nail on the head with him seeing time with me as a compromise. Makes me feel like utter shit.

Moving the bed is very good idea, I will suggest that tonight. We can't move the PC because I don't want it downstairs where DS can get to it and the back of the house doesn't get a good enough wifi signal for it to work.

He's a fantastic father and partner in that he does more than his fair share of housework and childcare. He has worked very hard over the last two years to improve his prospects at work and has always been supportive of me.

I think I will show him this thread. It might help for him to see that other people would take issue with this too.