Would you let your partner do this?

[Kruckshany]

Me and OH have been together 4 years. We have a DS 1yo.

He has always liked gaming and other than work it's really his only social circle (he sees these people outside of gaming too but it's the thing that connects them all iyswim)

The PC is in our bedroom (only place it will really work out properly) but he plays this game loudly talking over mic from about 9pm-1/2am. Meaning I have moved into the spare room to get sleep.

In all other ways he's a fantastic father and partner but it's driving me mad. He feels like has compromised because we spend from 7pm-9pm together. It makes me feel really crappy that he doesn't care it's made me move rooms. (He refuses to sleep in the spare room because he doesn't like the bed )

What would you do?

Also, more practically, buy some home plugs:
www.argos.co.uk/static/Product/partNumber/3326877.htm?CMPID=GS001&_$ja=tsid:59161|cid:611964866|agid:35816379011|tid:pla-116068771490|crid:118127456771|nw:g|rnd:14589484773157486825|dvc:t|adp:1o2

Then the pc can go anywhere in tje house.

My DP likes to play on his Xbox (does not make him a child) but he does it occasionally. It doesn't inflict on our time together and we don't compromise on things for it. We often give each other free time from parenting and house responsibilities to go and do what we want for a bit but it's shared equally.

His Xbox is in our room but only because there really isn't anywhere else to put it and I don't want our DD to see the violence when he plays it before she's asleep.

I'm sorry but your DP sounds pretty selfish. You need to talk to him about this. Yeah, you could move your beds around but the issue is that he does this daily and doesn't seem to care that it is impacting you and your relationship.

so often on here 'gamer' and 'selfish twat' seem interchangeable

Yeah, so often on here 'men' and 'selfish twat' are used interchangeably and yet....

I'm a gamer (currently playing Overwatch and Doom), as is the husband - we've got a PS4, XBOX One, Wii U, 360 and his PC in the living room, a PS4 in our bedroom and my PC in the baby's room.

Neither of us would dream of gaming away (or watching TV, or even reading) in the same room as the other trying to sleep, and certainly not exiling them to another room! When I was doing Destiny raids with work colleagues, we all had a set cut off time out of respect to our spouses.

Your problem isn't that he's a gamer - it's him. He thinks it's fine to spend more time with his gaming buddies than his wife, and to mess up her sleep - you could equally apply it to a partner who goes out to the our every night with his mates and rolls in noisily in the small hours of the morning. He is, in short, being a bit of a dick.

Hobbies are awesome, but if you have a non-shared hobby you need to make sure that it doesn't interfere with family life.

Also, he can get the PC running on a smooth connection anywhere in the house, it'll just take a bit of effort (and possibly money). That's not really the issue though - the issue is that he's spending 4-5 hours every night cutting off his family in favour of his mates/hobby.

I'd chuck the console out if the window. Any man who saw spending time with me as a compromise to playing a fucking computer game isn't worth being in a relationship with.

It's 2016! When did a man doing his fair share in a relationship start being extraordinary, it should be the norm and just because so many of their brethren don't, doesn't make him eligible for canonisation. Him doing his fair share is not some brownie point reward scheme, where he gets to cash them in later by being a knob. By tolerating this bullshit for so long you've given this man child the idea that his selfish behaviour is ok.

Don't show him this thread, given his brass neck he's not going to listen to a bunch of strangers, if he won't listen to the mother of his child. Move the PC and the bed yourself and start asking yourself, why you tolerate being treated with such disrespect? If the price of being with this man is his hobby taking over important parts of your relationship then you need to start rethinking your priorities.

The only reward for being a 'good girlfriend' doormat is having your bf wipe his feet on your self respect.

My ex husband is a gamer. Selfish bastard played games late at night talking over the mic and woke baby DS all the time. He wouldn't stop it and it is one of the main reasons I divorced the git.

How is your oh a fantastic partner when he puts the gaming ahead of you 5 nights a week?

My DH is a 'gamer' he is a nice respectable grown up who enjoys playing computer games. He used to play for hours at a time when we had no responsibilities. Now he plays almost nothing at all because we have very young children and life has been difficult.

Just to offer an alternative to the viewpoint that all gamers are immature arseholes.

Another vote for wifi booster.

You can have a computer anywhere in the house and if he was really determined he can find a way to hard wire it.

I have crawled through a teeny sloping roofed loft space to feed an Ethernet cable from one place to Dh's desk as he works in IT. I hasten to add Dh is too big to fit in this loft space and he was on the other end of the fishing wire used to get the cable to where we needed it to be.

I think you need to point out the number of hours he spends gaming. My 13 year old would play a computer game till his eyes bled or he needed food, but he is a child.

I'm a gamer, DH is too. Both pretty good at adulting and definitely not selfish twats. This would never happen in my house.

Have a look at buying a booster for the router and relocate the pc to the spare room. No way should he be interrupting anyone's sleep.

Most importantly, sounds like he has a bit of an addiction going on. Have you suggested doing something in the evening and he turns you down because 9pm is game time? Do you socialise together at all apart from your "designated time slot"

Sorry if I missed this but is he gaming every night? I nearly got sucked in by an MMO once. It can happen quite easily and I quit that particular game. He should be prioritising your relationship!!

No, he sounds very selfish. Even if your DC sleeps through the night, staying up playing and chatting is not acceptable when 2 other people are sleeping in close proximity. My kids would be disturbed by the noise through the wall, I definitely would not be able to sleep in the same room. Not normal for most relationships I imagine. Good luck sorting it out, keep us updated

If he's a gamer then the reason "it only works in the bedroom" may be because that's where the router is and he gets better speed with an Ethernet (cabled) connection. If it only works in the bedroom because it isn't wireless enabled then get a wireless adapt or and make it wireless. If the wireless signal is the problem because it is weak call your internet provider and get them to troubleshoot with you. Lots of people have rubbish wireless and never bother doing anything about it when 10 or 15minutes on the phone would sort it.Home plugs are another solution but yes move the PC into the spare room.

I spend my working life sorting out these kind of problems ....with mainly very untechnical customers. I promise all These solutions are easy to do and you don't need to wait for him to do them.

so often on here 'gamer' and 'selfish twat' seem interchangeable

Ah yes it says so on Mumsnet so it must be true. Don't be so judgy.

I'll judge what I like, thanks, and gaming is one of those things

Me and DP both 'play' games - DP is more of a player of games than I because I get bored more easily. DP can easily stay up late playing them, but he has a 7 year old, a job that requires him to commute for 2 hours a day, a stressful job and a pregnant fiancee, so he tends to pick up a game when he has a chance rather than isolating certain times (and certain people!) to dedicate to it.

It's something he enjoys, but doesn't need it - the moment you have to game/smoke/drink/cheat/see-where-i'm-going-with-this becomes the moment it's not a hobby or an interest, but an addiction of sorts. No-one needs to game - people choose to do so because they enjoy it, much like people choose to smoke and drink because they initially find it enjoyable. But if it compromises or dedicates how someone behaves, and other people get pissed off/shafted/neglected it actually teeters on that fine line between "hobby" and "addiction".

Am I assuming if he is up at 1-2am he either has a very low-key/non stressful/not exhausting job? Or does he do the childcare up until then? What happened when your 1 yo needed feeding, did he do that as he was up until 2am? Or did you have to do that too?

You can get wifi plugs that you can use to extend the wifi connection. I suggest you get one so you can put the computer in the spare room.

However, if he prefers gaming to spending time with you, and thinks it is reasonable to drive you out of your own bedroom for the sake of his gaming, your problem is a hell of lot bigger than a wifi connection.

If you've threatened to leave before, he won't take you seriously unless/until you follow through.

Oh Costa do behave. Is your dp a gamer? What has scarred you so badly that you have such a negative attitude against people who have that particular hobby? Or is your knowledge purely from what you read on mumsnet?

Gaming is just another hobby, lots of people have them. The problem isn't what the hobby is but whether it is impacting on your life in a negative way. OP, your question was "would you let your partner do this?" my answer is, I don't "let" my partner do anything. He's a grown up and makes his own decisions. However, I would certainly let him know the negative impact his choices were having on me. I would then expect him to adjust his attitude. If he refuses then you'll know what's more important to him.

As has been mentioned, there are plenty of technical ways to boost a signal. So you can tell him to stop using that excuse. I would also talk to him about how it's making you feel when he acts like he's doing you a favour by spending time with you before he plays his games. That's not on. Compromise is what is needed here.

I'm a gamer (as any fellow gamers may have worked out from my nn....)

I don't think the gaming isn't the issue here. DP and I have 2 TVs and 2 consoles in our room as we enjoy playing and this enables us to play multiplayer. Do we do it every night? No, absolutely not. We also manage to run a house and a large family whilst holding down fairly senior jobs. Have we been known to stay up to 2am braining zombies at the weekend, hell yes!!

And my dp is absolutely not a manchild!

OP, I think the issue is less to do with gaming and more to do with your dp being selfish and unprepared to compromise. In your shoes, moving the PC to the spare room would be an absolute non-negotiable.

I don't think it is at all unreasonable for you to expect him to move the PC out. Bedroom is where you sleep- anything else you have in there such as TVs and consoles should be by mutual agreement and not used to the detriment of the other person.

Oh Costa do behave

Oh don't be so bloody patronising

My husband a gamer? You really think I'd marry a gamer? Hilarious

My husband a gamer? You really think I'd marry a gamer? Hilarious

I have no idea. You've obviously got massive issues with it. Presumed you just have had some sort of bad experience.

Nope, happily married for 30 years, sorry to disappoint

As others have said, not a gamer issue, it's a selfish twat issue. If your husband was spending 4-5 hours a night playing golf or in the pub it would be just as unreasonable (although at least he wouldn't be monopolising your bedroom to do it). I wouldn't tolerate this. I would be leaving. Me and my DH only have about 3 hours a night together once our daughter is in bed, I'd be very offended if he didn't want to do that and favoured a hobby instead.

Thank you for all your replies.

We can figure out a way to move it to the spare room, thanks for everyone's advice on that.

I'll talk to him tonight and we'll see what happens.

Actually Costa you're not being judgy, you're being pretty offensive. But then I can judge someone who bases an entire group
of people on the actions of a few as narrow
minded and uneducated.