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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Taking photos without knowledge

82 replies

Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 20:25

Hi all. My partner and I have been living together for roughly six months now. We were close friends before we got together (and while we were both in longterm relationships with other people . . . neither one of us are particularly proud of the fact that our friendship became so close). About two weeks into dating, he was forced out of his apartment and asked to stay with me while he found a new place. I agreed and he has remained living here ever since.

While we have some issues, he can be argumentative and I hate conflict and he's somewhat controlling and I'm more of a go with the flow kind of person, we generally get along pretty well. However, he constantly takes photos of me while I'm not aware of it. None of them are inappropriate, at least that I know. It apparently started the first night he spent the night (he showed me one of me sleeping) and has continued ever since. For some reason, it strikes me as somewhat creepy. AIBU?

OP posts:

Wasafatmum42 · 30/06/2016 20:30

hhmmm yes definitely creepy talk to him tell him how you feel about it he might think you don't mind

FreeFromHarm · 30/06/2016 20:31

It is creepy and a bit of a concern, has he explained why he takes photos while you are sleeping, a reason why I ask this ?

FreeFromHarm · 30/06/2016 20:32

yanbu, btw what is he doing with the pics are you aware ?

Original poster

Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 20:39

Not sure what he does with them. I saw a couple had been uploaded to a file storage site. (A mix of ones he had taken and ones that were a bit more personal that I had sent him over the last few months.) He said he didn't want to lose them, but I made him delete them and was pretty upset he put them in a file storage site in the first place. Otherwise, I think they're all just stored on his phone.

He randomly texts them to me. When he texted the sleeping one, I said something along the lines of "That's creepy" and have said that he's a creepshotter to him. He left his phone two weeks ago and I looked through the photos (not proud of it). There were hundreds, me doing things around the house, the back of me when we're walking, a number of me sleeping, etc.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 30/06/2016 20:43

I think he needs to move on and you need to get out of the controlling relationship. I can't see a happy ending here at all.

I'd be super creeped out by it.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 30/06/2016 20:49

Creepy, and he doesn't even seem to think there's anything wrong about it.

Boogers · 30/06/2016 20:49

That is really creepy and weird.

How long have you actually been together? Did you know he took photos like this before you moved in together?

Hassled · 30/06/2016 20:50

There's something really unsettling about this - it's not good. And set against "he can be argumentative", "he's somewhat controlling" and the fact he effectively forced a living-together arrangement only 2 weeks into the relationship, it's really not good. I'd run fast while it's relatively easy to do so.

HandyWoman · 30/06/2016 20:53

So he's wormed his way into your home, is controlling, argumentative and is kind of stalking you in your own home by taking hundreds of photos of you without your knowledge or consent.

Run for the flaming hills!!!

FreeFromHarm · 30/06/2016 20:54

I think he is a compulsive obsessive , not qualified, but seriously re think this relationship, my xdh did something similar, please take care

Original poster

Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 20:54

We've been living together for about six months, were dating for two weeks before that (I know it was insane but his stay here wasn't supposed to be permanent), and were friends for a year and a half before dating.

I didn't know he took them before we moved in together. Occasionally when we were both in the same school for advanced degrees and after we started dating, he would send me pictures that had taken by one of his friends of me at school. They were always harmless---ones of me studying, walking in the halls, etc.

It strikes me as really strange but also feels like it might be something I'm making too much of a fuss over and not worth ending a relationship.

OP posts:

Wasafatmum42 · 30/06/2016 20:55

have you got any kids living with you OP ?

HeartOnTheLine · 30/06/2016 20:55

However, he constantly takes photos of me while I'm not aware of it.

Very creepy indeed, he could be doing anything with the pictures

Original poster

Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 20:56

Thanks for the messages, everyone. I guess I'm second guessing myself in some respects. He hasn't really brought out the controlling thing with me. He generally is just very neat and rigid about plans. He told me once that he used to tell his ex-girlfriend if he didn't like something she was wearing and would refuse to go out if she didn't change. I told him if he tried that with me, I'd go out alone and find a replacement. And he hasn't six months in.

OP posts:

livinginabox · 30/06/2016 20:58

The odd shot of you doing something is fine. Hundreds is bloody weird.

The controlling things is a no go. Get out asap.

nooofthenoodle · 30/06/2016 20:58

Did he leave his partner and move onto an apartment or straight in with you?

Original poster

Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 20:58

No, no kids in the home. He has started talking about marriage and refers to our lives together. I never say anything similar because I firmly believe it's way too soon for that type of discussion.

OP posts:

LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 30/06/2016 20:58

Fucking hell woman
You're either very young and naive or completely desperate for a man and lacking in self esteem. This relationship is awful and you are crazy to still be in it!

Wasafatmum42 · 30/06/2016 20:59

a lot of alarm bells now ringing the longer you leave it the harder its going to be to get rid

nooofthenoodle · 30/06/2016 20:59

He's told you who he is so listen.
Did you both cheat it's not clear from the op.

Original poster

Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 21:00

He split from his partner a few months before we started dating. They never lived together--she owned a home but he refused to move in. I split from my partner and had to move out. (My ex and I were having problems after he cheated on me prior to my friendship becoming close to this man.) I moved into the new place and roughly three weeks later, he moved in.

OP posts:

Original poster

Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 21:02

We did once. I had been having problems in my previous relationship after my ex had cheated and lied about it. It's absolutely no excuse for my behavior. The next morning I told my ex and we tried to fix the relationship. He wanted me to stay in touch with this guy because we were close friends and didn't want me to end the friendship. In retrospect, I was a horrible partner for not severing all ties immediately even though my ex said not to. In the end, I just couldn't fix my trust issues with the ex and hated that we had both ended up hurting each other. To my knowledge, he never came completely clean with his ex.

OP posts:

Petal40 · 30/06/2016 21:04

Could he be on the autistic spectrum a little???.

nooofthenoodle · 30/06/2016 21:05

Reminds me of my ex. Thought it was him for a minute he's been living with his affair partner for 6 months, moved in 9 days after I chucked him out, I guess she would have thought they were 'dating' before that.
Also used to take photos of me although not hundreds that I know of. He sent me a photo of me getting ready in the morning once and I didn't like it he didn't do it again or didn't send me the evidence.
Also moved himself into my home after a few weeks.
He's controlling and has admitted as much. Is he contributing to the bills?

nooofthenoodle · 30/06/2016 21:08

Of course he didn't come clean. Cheats never do. Come on op you can do better than this guy.

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