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Original poster

Taking photos without knowledge

82 replies

Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 20:25

Hi all. My partner and I have been living together for roughly six months now. We were close friends before we got together (and while we were both in longterm relationships with other people . . . neither one of us are particularly proud of the fact that our friendship became so close). About two weeks into dating, he was forced out of his apartment and asked to stay with me while he found a new place. I agreed and he has remained living here ever since.

While we have some issues, he can be argumentative and I hate conflict and he's somewhat controlling and I'm more of a go with the flow kind of person, we generally get along pretty well. However, he constantly takes photos of me while I'm not aware of it. None of them are inappropriate, at least that I know. It apparently started the first night he spent the night (he showed me one of me sleeping) and has continued ever since. For some reason, it strikes me as somewhat creepy. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 21:11

I don't think he's on the autistic spectrum or I haven't seen any evidence at least.

He contributes half of the bills and does his share of the housework, etc. He's not a bad partner overall and he hasn't tried the controlling behavior with me, other than being really set on keeping plans and wanting things to be relatively neat. He did say "shut up, you're so annoying" once in a semi-joking way. I made it clear that wasn't acceptable, and he hasn't done it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 21:13

I feel as if I can't judge him for the cheating though. I did as well. Yes, I told my partner and had been cheated on before I did it. But those things don't make it any better. So I'm hesitant to label him in a way that I wouldn't want to be. Maybe that's silly. But I feel so incredibly guilty for what I did, and I think he does too.

OP posts:
nooofthenoodle · 30/06/2016 21:14

He's not a bad partner but is he a good partner. Massively different things. Is he the sort of man you imagined yourself ending up with?
Was the moving in supposed to be temporary? Did you ever ask him to leave?
What's his history like has he got kids?

Original poster
Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 21:21

We have a lot in common, he's brilliant, which I find incredibly attractive, he does his fair share of the work and contributes, and I get the impression that he genuinely does love/care for me. He checks a lot of the boxes that I was looking for and I do love him.

The moving in was supposed to be temporary, and I never asked him to leave. I assumed he would given that he's never lived with anyone in the past. He doesn't have kids but wants them in the future.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 30/06/2016 21:26

How was he 'forced out of his apartment'? And why hasn't he looked for somewhere else to live?

pinkyredrose · 30/06/2016 21:28

'He's brilliant, which I find incredibly attractive'. What does that even mean!?

nooofthenoodle · 30/06/2016 21:32

My ex was forced out of his shared house because one of the others wasn't paying the rent. One in a long line of half truths and downright lies. The first of many small and bigger problems that were always coming along and never seemed to be his fault.
Moved into mine temporarily and never left, until I found out about his affair that is. The affair wad the tip of a very large iceberg.

Original poster
Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 21:34

How was he 'forced out of his apartment'? And why hasn't he looked for somewhere else to live?
His old building was damaged in a fire, and he had to relocate quickly and suddenly. I suppose he hasn't looked because things are going well for us as is and he doesn't see a reason to. But I'm not sure.

'He's brilliant, which I find incredibly attractive'. What does that even mean!?
I should have been clearer. Physically, he's not 100% my type, although he is attractive. Tbh, his mind is what attracts me more.

OP posts:
smilingeyes11 · 30/06/2016 21:36

this man has a whole bunting of red flags all over him - you need to run.

NameChange30 · 30/06/2016 21:38

"It strikes me as really strange but also feels like it might be something I'm making too much of a fuss over and not worth ending a relationship."

Where are your boundaries?
Where are your standards?
Where is your trust in your own instinct?

This really is not fucking ok. The fact that you think it might be is worrying. I think you might need to work on your boundaries and self esteem.

Did your parents have a healthy relationship? Were they good parents? Have you had good or fucked up relationships in the past?

I'm having trouble getting past the fact that you let him move in after two weeks of dating - you say it was temporary but that's clearly an excuse as you've let him stay since then.

The arguments and controlling tendencies are pretty obvious red flags without throwing secret fucking photos into the mix.

Original poster
Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 21:39

My ex was forced out of his shared house because one of the others wasn't paying the rent. One in a long line of half truths and downright lies. The first of many small and bigger problems that were always coming along and never seemed to be his fault. Moved into mine temporarily and never left, until I found out about his affair that is. The affair wad the tip of a very large iceberg.

I'm so sorry. I really do appreciate the perspective. I guess it's hard for me to see certain things as big deals but perhaps I should be taking them more seriously. I have called him on the rigidity. He said that he thinks he acted in ways he shouldn't have in past relationships, prioritized what he wanted over what his partner wanted, and it's something he needs to work on/wants to be better at.

I think I'm feeling slightly vulnerable right now. My last partner devastated me with his cheating and lying so it's nice to be with someone that I trust 100%. Perhaps naive given what went on between us, but he's so much more open and honest about his communications with others/feelings about the relationship.

OP posts:
LadyStarkOfWinterfell · 30/06/2016 21:40

Could he be on the autistic spectrum a little??? Hmm

Op you ignored my previous post. Are you very young and naive, desperate for a man or do you have zero self esteem?

ApocalypseSlough · 30/06/2016 21:45

"He's not a bad partner overall"
Six months in that's the biggest red flag. Don't settle for anything less than amazing at this early stage.

Original poster
Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 21:46

Op you ignored my previous post. Are you very young and naive, desperate for a man or do you have zero self esteem?

I ignored it because I found it rather rude and demeaning. I am none of those things.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 30/06/2016 21:47

Tbh OP don't you think he should be moving out? Living together by 'accident' isn't healthy, it's moved your relationship on too fast, you should still be dating and having fun. The photos thing is stalkery and creepy as hell. Do you know for sure his building was damaged, did you see it? Why couldn't he move back when it was fixed? Think he's been quite manipulative. Could you ask him to move out or at least stay somewhere for a few weeks to give yourself some headspace?

NameChange30 · 30/06/2016 21:48

I think you should have given him a deadline to find somewhere else to live. A month max.

The moment you discovered he has been secretly taking photos of you without your consent, you should have revised that deadline. To 24 hours.

nooofthenoodle · 30/06/2016 21:48

I'm probably projecting. But this guy reminds me of my ex. You remind me of me. The not wanting to end it over little things. It working well so not asking him to leave, basically having your boundaries pushed and not trusting your instincts. I was like that, I'm now having to do a lot of work on myself to work out why that is and make sure it doesn't happen again. I'm basically traumatised by what's been done to me, by a man that sounds very much like the one you've got.
Not sure how you can trust a cheat? You know he lied to his ex right? About your friendship, where he was who he was with what he was doing, and then went home to her and lied some more. Looked her in the face and lied. He's capable of that.

Original poster
Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 21:57

Tbh OP don't you think he should be moving out? Living together by 'accident' isn't healthy, it's moved your relationship on too fast, you should still be dating and having fun.
I do worry about this. I have missed the fun of dating someone and the excitement that goes along with the early days. I do know that his apartment was damaged. I saw it afterwards. (It was safe to go in and get things but not to live in.) The landlord made everyone move out. I saw the letter so I also know that's true. I've walked past it and it appears the landlord is doing extensive repairs/renovations.

But this guy reminds me of my ex. You remind me of me. The not wanting to end it over little things. It working well so not asking him to leave, basically having your boundaries pushed and not trusting your instincts.
I am worried that could happen. He hasn't really pushed my boundaries beyond the photo thing and the statement that he apologized for and promised not to do again. I guess I should clarify the argumentative. He isn't a screamer or anything. He likes to have these mini-arguments over inconsequential stuff at times. Should we throw a box out? Does it make sense to do something? They aren't vindictive or mean. It's just petty, silly stuff that I don't really care about and wouldn't fuss over.

I probably am wrong to trust him. I guess I've been looking at it as I cheated and would never do it again. No matter what, I will never do that to another person again. I hate that I hurt my ex and feel guilt every time I think about it. And I think about it everyday still. I'd like to believe that he feels similarly.

OP posts:
FreeFromHarm · 30/06/2016 21:58

I agree Emma, having escaped a controlling narcissist myself, red bunting with bells on...... sorry op

Nocabbageinmyeye · 30/06/2016 21:58

Honestly this is beyond creepy, it's like a bad film you would see on True Movies, op run for the hills, weird weird weird and you have no idea what photos he has taken, if you haven't noticed all these being taken then how can you be sure what else he is doing? Are you sure he's not recording you? How could you even relax in your own home?

nooofthenoodle · 30/06/2016 22:05

He's pushed your boundaries by moving in and not leaving. What so you think was the point of him telling you the little story about his controlling ways with his ex?
The mini arguments is to make you back down.

Original poster
Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 22:09

I agree Emma, having escaped a controlling narcissist myself, red bunting with bells on...... sorry op
I appreciate both of your insights. I'm trying to discover what's normal again. My ex was very easygoing and never really was bothered by anything. I know now that that's not normal (but certainly makes someone easy to live with). So it's difficult to figure out what's normal when it comes to this guy.

if you haven't noticed all these being taken then how can you be sure what else he is doing? Are you sure he's not recording you? How could you even relax in your own home?
I truly don't believe there is anything more sinister. He is incredibly open with his phone, iPad, and computer. While I wouldn't look with the exception of the one time, I find it hard to believe that he would be so carefree if he was doing something worse.

I don't know if he sees this as being abnormal. I don't think he does. He likes taking pictures of me generally, and I know his family takes a lot of photographs. (He's the first partner to ever come home with a framed photo of us.) So I'm wondering if it's normal for him. He did say once that he liked having them because they're good memories.

OP posts:
nooofthenoodle · 30/06/2016 22:14

FreeFromHarm do you mind me asking how you're doing now and how you got over or are getting over that? Sorry to hijack. Feel free to pm me.

Original poster
Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 22:14

He's pushed your boundaries by moving in and not leaving. What so you think was the point of him telling you the little story about his controlling ways with his ex? The mini arguments is to make you back down.

I didn't really see the moving in and staying as boundary pushing. He did ask at the beginning constantly if it was okay if he stayed. I felt terrible about his situation and so reassured him (perhaps overly so) that he was welcome.

I don't know what the point of his talk about his ex was. She seemed to have argued back at him on a lot of stuff so I'm not sure if he's used to getting his way or just enjoys arguing at times. He does the same with his best friend. They'll get into over who's right about something small and stupid. They both seem to relish it. I definitely don't.

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 30/06/2016 22:18

It is very odd, and the fact he did it when in uni too make it seem almost obsessive/stalkerish.

Total invasion of privacy.

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