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Original poster

Taking photos without knowledge

82 replies

Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 20:25

Hi all. My partner and I have been living together for roughly six months now. We were close friends before we got together (and while we were both in longterm relationships with other people . . . neither one of us are particularly proud of the fact that our friendship became so close). About two weeks into dating, he was forced out of his apartment and asked to stay with me while he found a new place. I agreed and he has remained living here ever since.

While we have some issues, he can be argumentative and I hate conflict and he's somewhat controlling and I'm more of a go with the flow kind of person, we generally get along pretty well. However, he constantly takes photos of me while I'm not aware of it. None of them are inappropriate, at least that I know. It apparently started the first night he spent the night (he showed me one of me sleeping) and has continued ever since. For some reason, it strikes me as somewhat creepy. AIBU?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 30/06/2016 22:32

You should tell him to stop it.

I've sent you a PM. It's about a woman who discovered her DH was taking pics and recordings of her for over 20 years!!

He found nothing wrong with it and she's getting her ducks in a row now.

It may be worse than your case, but it could easily escalate without you knowing. The fact that he was unhappy to delete some pics is indicative of this being a thing he's really really into.

Original poster
Questioning25 · 30/06/2016 22:42

You should tell him to stop it.
I'm going to have a conversation with him about it. I'll have to admit to looking at his photos to do it. But I think it's worth it. None of them are inappropriate or at all revealing so that's something to be grateful for I suppose. I will admit to taking a couple of photos of my ex when he didn't know. But they were always cute moments like him snuggling our cat or making a special celebratory meal and there were very few. As a result, I think I viewed this as maybe an outsized version of that. But it really isn't.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 01/07/2016 07:00

OP your responses are weird. Your initial reaction was to be creeped out, you asked for advice on her, lots of us have told you it is creepy and wrong and there are big red flags, but you have been arguing with us - you are explaining and minimising his behaviour. Clearly you want to pretend it's ok and stay with him regardless. Your choice of course but why post in the first place? You clearly have no intention of kicking him out, but at least think about why you're so determined to stay in the relationship despite the warning signs.

TheNaze73 · 01/07/2016 07:15

Have the conversation ASAP. It's all just too weird to comprehend

smilingeyes11 · 01/07/2016 07:53

Regardless of the sinister photo taking, what about the moving in within 2 weeks, that is just strange. And you sound railroaded. You say your relationship started as an affair - so are you staying as some sort of bloody penance for the wrongs you have done to others. You do sound very weird indeed and I don't really understand why you posted. Just tell him to stop it - yep cos if he stops the sinister photo taking everything will be perfect won't it....

HeartOnTheLine · 01/07/2016 12:23

OP what are you trying to gain from this thread? You've been given some great advice but you are not choosing to take it.

This guy has practically moved himself in with you, and also do you have evidence that his building was burnt in a fire? Hmm

TheNaze73 · 01/07/2016 12:55

I'd agree with that heart. No doubt, he'll have photos...

HeartOnTheLine · 01/07/2016 13:16

TheNaze73

So glad you do, I was worried that my comment would come across as harsh, I doubt there was a fire, that's an extreme lie.

Original poster
Questioning25 · 01/07/2016 13:41

I am taking all the advice to heart and am going to keep in mind that aspects of his behavior raise red flags. I do appreciate it! We both have a very significant exam coming up in a month that has career implications so I'm not going to ask him to move before it unless he does something unacceptable. I've spoken to a friend about it, and she agreed it was best to wait until after and reassess the relationship/living situation.

I do know that he was telling the truth about the fire and having to move out. I would doubt it too since it seem uncommon, but I did see it with my own eyes. I also helped him move his stuff and met his former landlord.

I had a long conversation with him about the photos. He was obviously a bit irritated that I had looked at his phone but didn't get upset. I said that I found it creepy and wanted to know what he thought he was doing. He said that he remembers moments through items/things and so his first impulse when he's particularly happy or content is to take a photo. (I do believe that he collects mementos to remember things. He collected every ticket stub for shows he's attended, etc.)

He was embarrassed and said that he realized how creepy it appeared. He said he didn't think about it as invasion of privacy because they were ordinary moments but understood why it was for me. He agreed to delete them but did ask if he could keep a couple. So we went through them together and deleted all but around 10. He vowed to not do it anymore except for particularly special moments (like parties, trips, etc), and he would immediately tell me so I could decide whether I wanted it deleted.

I told him that I still found it odd and didn't know if I could trust he would stop. He said that I'm welcome to check his phone and dropbox since I know the password. He is very open with electronics so I don't doubt that promise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Questioning25 · 01/07/2016 14:05

I know it may sound naive but he did appear genuinely contrite and apologetic. It truly seems like he didn't have an idea that I would consider it unacceptable.

I also realize that it appears I'm minimizing his behavior in other aspects. But I do feel as if I've not fully explained who he is or how he acts. I feel completely comfortable in the relationship stating what I don't like or what I need. He has always been responsive and not defensive. For instance, I needed him to show more physical affection, told him, and he has responded by doing so. After the split with my ex, he sat through a fair bit of me crying about it. He never once got upset and was only ever supportive.

I know his father can be somewhat argumentative with his mother--he's told me stories and I've witnessed some of it. It's not physical or scary, just him being abrasive. He's much closer to his mother than his father and tends to take her side/try to stick up for her. We discussed it in the past, and he said that he doesn't want to interact in that way with his partner. Obviously, he has to a degree in the past, but he knows that it's unacceptable to me. I'm still going to reconsider the relationship and the living arrangements after this month is up. But I'm hesitant to cut him lose when he genuinely does seem to want to have a positive, equal partnership.

OP posts:
HeartOnTheLine · 01/07/2016 14:19

So you are going to stay with him? And do you have any sufficient evidence that the building was burnt down? Because this guy sounds like a liar.

Original poster
Questioning25 · 01/07/2016 14:33

So you are going to stay with him? And do you have any sufficient evidence that the building was burnt down? Because this guy sounds like a liar.
I definitely know that he's telling the truth about the fire. It was primarily the building next to it. We watched the updates on the news together when it was happening because he (obviously) couldn't go home. I went with him after a few days when the residents were finally allowed in to get there stuff. The landlord was there. I have walked by since and there's still construction being done on his building to fix the water/smoke damage and to renovate it.

The tentative plan is to stay with him for the next month and then reassess. My friend and I are going on holiday together so she said we could hash it all over then. I don't know where I come down at this point. He's a good man, but I think he had a terrible role model for relationships. If we stayed together, it would have to involve seeing a therapist for both of us at a minimum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Questioning25 · 01/07/2016 14:34

their stuff. Goodness. Blush

OP posts:
SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 01/07/2016 14:35

That sounds fair enough OP.

Some people have done things in past rs they regret and they try to change. And that is ok.

You made it clear the photos thing was a problem with his behaviour and not with you and he has accepted that.

Just keep.an eye on him and make sure he views as a person, not an object.

I am curious about his mental processes/rs with his camera of he lives things by mementos rather than living them. Is he a compulsive selfie taker as well? This may be something he may want to work on at some point. Life if for living, not photographing.

HeartOnTheLine · 01/07/2016 14:40

We watched the updates on the news together when it was happening because he (obviously) couldn't go home. I went with him after a few days when the residents were finally allowed in to get there stuff.

Oh you were watching updates on the news, so it was that major? Hmm I'm going to leave this thread now because I'm not buying this story, good luck whatever you do.

HarmlessChap · 01/07/2016 14:44

Everyone has different ideas of what is acceptable and what's not.

This taking of photos like this is very unusual but its why which is more important. If its simply that he sees something in the moment which he wants to record for ever then its somewhat obsessive but not necessarily done with harmful intent.

The far more important thing is how he reacts to you saying that you don't like it. If he continues then it shows a lack of respect and disregard for your boundaries.

Original poster
Questioning25 · 01/07/2016 14:47

Oh you were watching updates on the news, so it was that major? hmm I'm going to leave this thread now because I'm not buying this story, good luck whatever you do.

I don't know why I would lie about a fire or it being on the local news and twitter. It was a relatively big occurrence for our area. Regardless, thank you for the good luck.

OP posts:
Original poster
Questioning25 · 01/07/2016 14:54

You made it clear the photos thing was a problem with his behaviour and not with you and he has accepted that. Just keep.an eye on him and make sure he views as a person, not an object. I am curious about his mental processes/rs with his camera of he lives things by mementos rather than living them. Is he a compulsive selfie taker as well? This may be something he may want to work on at some point. Life if for living, not photographing.
I think the first part was key for me. He accepted responsibility without getting defensive. He doesn't take selfies but he does take a fair number of photos. I do think living in the moment a bit more will be good for him.

The far more important thing is how he reacts to you saying that you don't like it. If he continues then it shows a lack of respect and disregard for your boundaries.
I'm going to watch for this. I probably should have addressed it immediately with him when I first saw them. But I was rather embarrassed about looking at his photos.

OP posts:
HeartOnTheLine · 01/07/2016 14:59

Local news? So it wasn't on television? You said news now you are saying updates on the local news and Twitter Hmm

Original poster
Questioning25 · 01/07/2016 15:04

I'm sorry for the confusion--my apologies. I'm in the U.S. We have local channels on television that cover the news for the area. It definitely wasn't national newsworthy.

OP posts:
SlowJinn · 01/07/2016 15:11

He's a creep and his redeeming qualities are cancelled out by all the negative stuff. Regardless of exams looming, he has to go. He's moved in with you by default, and you need to get him out as soon as possible.

0dfod · 01/07/2016 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameChange30 · 01/07/2016 16:52

He hasn't even promised to stop taking photos of you without your knowledge or consent, has he?!

He's said he will show you afterwards and ask if he can keep or delete them. Even if he does that (I'm sceptical) you can still recover deleted photos. So he will probably go through the charade of deleting them with you and then recover them later when you've been lulled into a false sense of security.

"We both have a very significant exam coming up in a month that has career implications so I'm not going to ask him to move before it unless he does something unacceptable."

I dread to think what he'd have to do for you to find it "unacceptable". You'll probably explain away that too.

Good luck - you'll need it.

Original poster
Questioning25 · 01/07/2016 17:07

Does he know why he feels the need for taking so many photos of you? I could understand the odd one of say you sleeping, but lots? And after you said that you felt it invasive?
He said his impulse was to take photos to remember moments. Given his impulse to collect mementos, it seems to fit with his character. We had a frank, honest discussion, and he was apologetic. I don't think he realized how creepy it was until we talked openly about it.

He hasn't even promised to stop taking photos of you without your knowledge or consent, has he?! He's said he will show you afterwards and ask if he can keep or delete them.
He said he would do whatever I wanted and that he never wants me to be uncomfortable with him. I'm fine with him taking the odd photo now and again. I've always done that in relationships at special moments and had partners who did the same. I don't feel like I need to ban them entirely. But I did state that I needed veto power over them after what what had happened and that it should be limited to rare occasions. Honestly, I was happy with our conversation and the outcome of it. I'll obviously be on the lookout for any suspicious behavior. But I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt as he seemed sincere and apologetic.

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NameChange30 · 01/07/2016 17:08

And they all lived happily ever after Hmm