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Original poster

MIL resentful of me being a SAHM

83 replies

OneTiredMummmyyy · 18/06/2016 17:55

I'm a SAHM to two children under two (youngest 7 months). DP works long hours and we have no family around who can help out childcare wise.

Recently it has been apparent that my MIL and SIL are both resentful of the fact I'm a SAHM and from the vague hints that DP drops, they keep asking him when I'm going to go out and get a job Hmm

I'm getting so fed up with being judged. I know it bothers DP as they are basically implying I'm lazy, despite the fact I had a job right up to DC1 being born. It's hard enough doing what I do with no family help, but to be criticised as well is really getting me down.

Anyone else who has been in this situation? Any advice on how to deal with it?

OP posts:
Sanchar · 18/06/2016 17:59

Why do you even give the slightest fuck what your in laws think!

My in-laws probably say stuff like that about me and I care not a jot.

Stop caring about their stupid opinions, it's very freeing

AppleMagic · 18/06/2016 18:00

My PIL were like this. They'd sent me job ideas too despite the fact they knew the plan was for me to stay home. What really pissed me off was that I think they'd have been equally unsupportive if I'd have gone back to work full time and shared the child care with dh. They wanted me to have a "little job" and do all the domestic and wife work too. I got dh to tell them to back off in the end and they did.

whatamidoinghereanyway · 18/06/2016 18:01

You do what is right for your family. Stick to your guns, if it's working for you, you don't have to explain to anyone!

AppleMagic · 18/06/2016 18:01

They sent dh to boarding school when he was 7 so he and I give zero fucks about their opinions on our parenting/domestic setup.

Mintychoc1 · 18/06/2016 18:03

Is it possible DH tells them he's always exhausted and worrying about money? Because if that was the case I can see why they'd want you to get a job.

Molly333 · 18/06/2016 18:03

Yes I've been there , for many years my mother in law made little swipes at me and looking back I expected my husband to deal with it and stand up for me but he didn't , he actually was v weak with regards to his mum . Ion reflection I actually should have put her in her place as it was my family but also my husband should hv stood with me as our own family unit . In reality I think it was part of the break down of our marriage as I felt resentful of him for not sticking up for me when I really needed it as I was also in ur position with young children . It is your choice how you live your life but if you don't stand firm at this stage it just gets worse , my advice nip it in the bud ! X

Zaurak · 18/06/2016 18:04

I'd love to be a sahm!
What kind of digs are they making? Your do needs to tell them that this is what works for your family do this is what you're doing. End of.

Blu · 18/06/2016 18:05

Is your DP fully in accord with your being a SAHM?

If so tackle it head on. Next time they say something say 'have you got some kind of problem with the way DP and I have arranged our life?' and just hear the out and say 'well, we have decided this...childcare costs...it's the way we want our family to run, and we're happy with it, so that's good, isn't it?' and just laugh and say 'we've been round this block before, haven't we?' if they bring it up again. And tell DP to tell them to give it a rest.

PovertyPain · 18/06/2016 18:10

So your DP is the one telling you that they are asking you when you're going to get a job? What does he say to them? Is this his way of saying that HE wants you to get a job?

susannahmoodie · 18/06/2016 18:14

I work ft and have often felt mil disapproves as she was a sahm. But you are doing what you feel is right for your family. Ignore them.

rollonthesummer · 18/06/2016 18:16

How does DH feel about you being a SAHM? Are you struggling for money?

If you're always skint and your DH is really unhappy with being the sole breadwinner, then they have a point. If not, and DH wants you to be at home and money isn't an issue, then they can piss off!

Original poster
OneTiredMummmyyy · 18/06/2016 18:22

We have no money worries at all (small mortgage and DP earns a very good salary). DP likes our set up as we get family time together at the weekend and couple time in the evenings when DC are in bed.

Not sure what digs they are making but I also know they disapprove of children being sent to nurseries!! So I'm not really sure what they would like me to do. I think they want to see me get an evening job of sorts.

OP posts:
Original poster
OneTiredMummmyyy · 18/06/2016 18:24

DP wants me to stay home with DCs at least until they are at school.

OP posts:
PeterandJudithSurname · 18/06/2016 18:26

You are caring for a 7 month old baby and a 2 year old on your own while your dh works long hours and they think you are lazy? The mind boggles. Perhaps they need to come and look after for them for abit and see how easy it is. Would you be bringing any extra money in if you paid for childcare for both? Do they realise lots of people are still on mat leave with a 7 month old baby? They sound horrible

FoolandFitz · 18/06/2016 18:27

Tell your DP or whoever is telling you these things that you don't to hear about it and to stop passing these comments on. Sorted.

MrsSpecter · 18/06/2016 18:29

Why does it matter that they are resentful? It makes no difference to you what other people think. Let them be resentful. They're only annoying themselves by being so bothered.

MrsSpecter · 18/06/2016 18:31

DP likes our set up

DP wants me to stay at home with DCs at least until they are at school

What do you like and want? his feelings on it dont trump yours.

Original poster
OneTiredMummmyyy · 18/06/2016 18:35

PeterandJudy nursery would be v expensive and no, I don't think my earnings would cover it. These last few years have been very hard for me - it really irks as we relocated to be near DP's family (mine would actually have helped with child care!) and they have literally offered no support at all since I fell pregnant with DD1, despite them living round the corner. I wouldn't have minded the lack of support if they at least had some kind words to say about me Envy

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 18/06/2016 18:37

Your DP needs a script - something like "oh, with 2 under 5, it'd cost £100 to £120 a day in a nursery, before we'd thought about travel costs, OneTiredMummy is unlikely to earn enough to cover that and weekend work would mean we got no family time and I wouldn't get any time off. Current set up is better until [DC2] is school aged." He needs to present it as him that doesn't want you to work in the evening/weekends. That it would lower his quality of life, not increase it.

Then if anything is said to you (which would be the next approach if they feel you "need" to work), "oh, childcare is so expensive, we can't afford for me to work and I'm happier at home."

Some people really need other people to make the same life choices as them.

Fomalhaut · 18/06/2016 18:38

The only question you need to ask yourself is: "am I AND dp happy with this arrangement?"

If you are, then carry on as you are. If you're not, or if you have any worries that you're put in a vulnerable position by being a sahm then you have an issue ( are you married for example? If not do you have the finances locked down legally?)

What his parents think about it is irrelevant. Looking after children is a full time job at that age - why on earth should you do a full day with the kids then go out and work??

Original poster
OneTiredMummmyyy · 18/06/2016 18:39

MrsSpecter I am happy to stay home with DCs - I just wrote that in response to PPs asking what DPs stance was x

OP posts:
Tworingsandamicrowave · 18/06/2016 18:39

Was your MIL a SAHM or did she go out to work after her DC were born? Maybe she is jealous of the lovely setup that you all have? If it works for you, just ignore her comments. Your DH needs to tell them that you are all happy with your situation and that they need of stop sucking their noses in.

HopeArden · 18/06/2016 18:45

If your dp was unhappy at the situation then he should speak up and not pass on these PA snipes from his mother. And he should offer viable suggestions ti address cost/ practicality of paid child care.

If, as you say, he is not unhappy then tell him to pass on to his mother this salient fact and tell her to butt out!

If he is too chicken shit to do so, then you tell her it's your family and your business.

Finally, maybe consider moving back to where you have a helpful family.

Blushingm · 18/06/2016 18:45

My mil is similar I think but dp never tells her, they all tip toe around her so as not to upset her!

I went to college and I'm now doing a nursing degree full time - she thinks I should look after the dc (10 & 14), look after dp and have 'a nice little job'. When I went back to college she refused to have dd after school like she did when I worked pt so I paid for a cm despite her knowing dp & I were short of money. She's just a judgemental cow and dp is terrified to stand up to her so doesn't even try!Angry

Tummyclutter · 18/06/2016 18:46

It's what works for you as a family!
My MIL and my OWN mother have made those remarks, even though both of them never worked.
Sign of the times I say, and let it slide off my back like water off a ducks.
FWIW my children are both working now, and I still do sweet FA. Really galls people Grin.
But interestingly enough, not my DH!

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