MIL resentful of me being a SAHM

[OneTiredMummmyyy]

I'm a SAHM to two children under two (youngest 7 months). DP works long hours and we have no family around who can help out childcare wise.

Recently it has been apparent that my MIL and SIL are both resentful of the fact I'm a SAHM and from the vague hints that DP drops, they keep asking him when I'm going to go out and get a job

I'm getting so fed up with being judged. I know it bothers DP as they are basically implying I'm lazy, despite the fact I had a job right up to DC1 being born. It's hard enough doing what I do with no family help, but to be criticised as well is really getting me down.

Anyone else who has been in this situation? Any advice on how to deal with it?

My MIL was the opposite - when I mentioned going back to work she sent me links to articles about how children benefit from a SAHM. You can't win!

However I do agree with the poster who mentioned that, as you aren't married, you're putting yourself in a precarious financial position by giving up work. Please try to protect yourself financially.

He needs to defend you and I know it's annoying but ignore them.

Anyone who thinks looking after 2 kids at the ages yours at is a breeze, clearly has no idea what they're on about.

What I don't understand is how it's fellow women who behave like this. MILS can be so stupid at times.

Enjoy your family and give them a wide berth.

Are they just bitches anyway? and it has ramped up since children have come on the scene? My MIL -- has spent the last 15 years criticising my childcare arrangements and choice to work - and then last year when I decided to have a year off to support teens thru exams etc I am now being criticised for being a 'Lazy" - you dont owe these people an explanation or justification as to how you have both chosen to run your family - but notice this judgement and see it for what it is - they are not your friends or supporters. You and your DH need to assertively put them back in their box and put down boundaries.

Wow jealous is the word but why can't they be happy for you and proud of their ds/db having a well paid job? 2 little ones is incredibly difficult anyway. I would tell dh to at least not tell you their little comments and if possible tell them to shut up. Why don't you get mil to babysit one day to see how hard your job is, so you can go spending your dh's hard earned cash on some me time and shopping for you while he's slaving away at work the poor lamb? She'd love that!

A couple of you have hit the nail on the head on a couple of points: surely MIL should be proud of what her DS has achieved. And secondly: how can anyone who has raised children (as MIL and SIL both have) think it is an easy job.

Although on that second point: both MIL and SIL had much bigger age gaps between their DC and also had family support. They offer me no support - presumably because they think I have it easy

It just winds me up as many of my friends have gone back to work as their parents look after the kids and I would never judge them for doing that!!

Agree with PPs, if I went out to work MIL and SIL would say I'm a bad mum, so I can't win anyway!!

Yep they're ridiculous. I can only advise to keep them close though rather than drawing away, invite her over etc for the sake of the dc, be the bigger person. People can start bitching and moaning as a side effect/defence to actually feeling a bit left out, or start jumping to conclusions. You've said they don't help but how often do you see them?

We see them once a week, and sometimes I meet up with MIL for a drink... I try not to see too much of her though because she frowns upon a lot of things and makes out she was the "perfect" mum - she used to bake bread daily, bath both kids daily, walk miles daily, work constantly, breastfed until they were 18 months, washed terry nappies out each night and never ever used ready meals or purees.

We see them once a week, and sometimes I meet up with MIL for a drink... I try not to see too much of her though because she frowns upon a lot of things and makes out she was the "perfect" mum - she used to bake bread daily, bath both kids daily, walk miles daily, work constantly, breastfed until they were 18 months, washed terry nappies out each night and never ever used ready meals or purees.

Sorry, didn't mean to post twice!

Blimey she does sound like hard work!! I guess you can only laugh about it!!

There is something not right in their lives and instead of dealing with it, or being brave enough to make changes, MIL and DSil choose to bitch and moan about you when together, sort of transfer the angst to someone else. Obviously as DP is their DS or DBro they won't take it out by whinging about him.

I don't know why DP is informing you of their whinges, no one gains from it. Tell him you don't want the pair mentioned to you. And see less of them, unless you enjoy it .

And look at getting some interesting past times or hobbies or work so that your mind is taken up with that (the people you have met, the work you are creating, the new job you are learning etc) and there is no time to dwell on MIL's petty bitching.

OP she did all those things AND had a little job??
I think her memory is a little skewed!

Take no notice its your business how you conduct your own life when you are an adult just smile and nod when she tells you what a perfect mother she was.

Dh got ill over Xmas so we ended up spending longer at in laws than expected. Ds (then aged 2) found being out of his routine really hard and started getting more tantrummy than normal.

Mil wondered aloud if it was because a I worked.

Or maybe because I was still breastfeeding him.

Or maybe because I didn't leave him to cry in the night.

(Obviously a little muddled about whether I'm Evil Career Bitch or Hippy Lentil Weaving Mother and which one she disapproved of more.)

Apparently her 3 NEVER had tantrums.

Relationship not quite been the same since!

So they aren't keen on nurseries but want you to work?
They have a lot of opinions on stuff that's not their business don't they? What would they suggest you do with your children then?
This is none of their business and you should ignore it. Just make sure you are your dp are presenting a united front on this to shut them down.
A word of caution from an older person though. I would think about marriage anyway to protect you and the kids for the future even though you say you would be OK alone
Things change

You don't have to justify your setup to anyone. A simple that is none of your business should shut down discussion. If you're feeling charitable would go for thanks for your concern but we're happy with the current setup.

Two under 2? I salute you.

It is none of their business.
Ignore

Mumoftwoyoungkids I feel your pain!! With a MIL like mine (and yours), we can't win, whether we work or not! And I don't believe that none of her DC had tantrums: I did and my mum was a SAHM. My toddler has them too.

Mrskeats we are planning to get married very soon actually, we put it off because I fell pregnant twice!

I know you are all correct in telling me to ignore her - it is just so hurtful that not only have they never offered me any support whatsoever with the DCs, they feel they are able to make their snidey remarks to DP too...

Ok that's good then
As for not offering help I would regard that as their loss
They won't have a close relationship but that's not your doing
As for being lazy or them implying that- I used to regard work as a rest

Why are you meeting up regularly for drinks with someone so disrespectful to you? Your MIL is entitled to her opinions, as are you to limit your exposure to them.

The whole dynamic sounds weird, especially your H not adequately defending a decision he is jointly responsible for. Surely, he must see that his mother's 'rejection' of your SAH status is just as much a rejection of his decisions.

Disengage from this woman or stand up to her but stop trying to win her over because you'll be waiting a long time for that to happen.

My friend has this from her MIL. When they had a housewarming party, I remarked to MIL about how lovely friend had made it look in such a short space of time, MIL said it should look nice considering friend sits about doing nothing all day (she has 3 school age) DCs. She also said that they'd probably have to sell it in a few years, because her DS was working himself into an early grave so she could have all this fancy stuff. I was so I couldn't think of anything to say. Friend couldn't go back to work after third because they couldn't afford childcare and had no family help.

Do people actually read the whole thread before commenting?
OP said that she will be financially ok even if they do split up, and she asked her DH why they were off with her.
Keep on being 'lazy' and enjoy the fact that it works for the both of you!!!!

Funny how people re-write the past to suit them - I bet she didn't do all that and work evenings.

I think this is best tackled by dp. Get him to say to them, in no uncertain terms, please stop hinting at your disapproval of Isetan and our childcare choices. We are going to fall out big time unless you respect our choices

If he's too chicken I wouldn't marry him tbh

Freshprincess it is unbelievable that some people like your friend's MIL can be so clueless. If your friend was a nursery worker looking after a maximum of three children (not her own) every day and getting paid for it - that would probably be fine in her MIL's eyes, though!! People's logic can be baffling sometimes.

Personally, I respect everyone's choices. I can see why some women choose to go back to work and while others are SAHMs. FWIW, I don't think either option is easy when you have children.

Isetan and WellDoYaPunk - I have told DP to come down a bit harder on her. I said if my parents ever criticised him, I'd tell them to mind their own, and back off - and they would. My parents don't say things about him though, they are very respectful of our decisions.

There is no way MIL did all she said she did and worked evenings... But then I'm not sure what to believe with her - FIL said she was a SAHM!! So I think those evening jobs were not as long-term as she would like us to believe.

My DM said to me she was a SAHM and didn't do half of what MIL claims to have done!! (My mum had no family help and DB is SN).

MIL can be v insensitive too. When I was pregnant with DD2 I was pretty big as I fell pregnant almost straight after having DD1. During the summer, I felt like a big sweaty whale, she looked at me and said to SIL's daughter: you'll be tall and slim you will, just like your mother

Then after having DD2, I'd shed most of my baby weight in 6 months. DP pointed out to MIL when she came round that I'd lost loads of weight... She just looked at me and tipped her head up as if she couldn't see it... And said nothing.

She also told me that babies who were FF (I FF both mine, to her disgust) would turn out fat. So proud that both DDs have proved her wrong so far!!

With in laws like that, I would moving closer to my own family.

It might sound like an overreaction but I'm deadly serious. Not only are they unsupportive, they are downright critical. If you're not careful they will cause arguments between you and DP. The issues might seem minor at first but they could take root and grow into a major problem.

"I gave up a lot to be with him"
What did you give up?
Has he given up anything for you?
If not, would he?