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Original poster

Drinks with another woman - would this bother you?

83 replies

Dollypoppy · 07/05/2016 22:10

Been with a man since Feb, met on OLD. All going very well, holiday booked for summer and no issues at all.

He works away from home every other week. Has mentioned a colleague several times, and they meet for meals/drinks in the evening as they are in the same hotel.

I do trust him, but the two glasses photo on Facebook tonight and the obvious in jokes are bothering me. It's not something I would do.

I don't want him to be alone every night, but the coupley-ness of the photo and comments upset me. I feel all anxious and tight inside - last 'D'P had several inappropriate friendships and I know this might be colouring my view.

He has said his ex wouldn't have understood and would have been jealous so I don't want to overreact but it does upset me.

So do I say anything or not? And if so, what?

I'd really appreciate some perspective on this, thank you.

OP posts:
Bananasinpyjamas1 · 07/05/2016 22:14

It's not on, you are right to feel upset. Trust your instincts. Ask your man if it is ok to meet up regularly with a male friend while he is away.

Howdoyoulive33 · 07/05/2016 22:20

Yes I had a problem with this just becuase I was struggling at home with kids while he was going out in some of the most romantic city's in the world ( business) with a woman from work who apparently 'looked like the back end of a bus' found out she looked quite easy on the eye.Hmm I don't think anything happened but I felt a bit like a house keeper at the time. E affair by circumstance or not where do you draw a line?

Original poster
Dollypoppy · 07/05/2016 22:22

Thank you for your replies. How do you think I should bring it up with him? I won't see him until Saturday, I can't wait until then.

OP posts:
Howdoyoulive33 · 07/05/2016 22:23

I don't think you can say much that's the problem it's ' just work'. It's a funny one to work out.

MissBattleaxe · 07/05/2016 22:27

Well I wouldn't be going on holiday with him. It all looks a bit cosy and he's already fired a warning shot about how he doesn't tolerate jealousy. I wouldn't like to feel this uncomfortable this early.

Original poster
Dollypoppy · 07/05/2016 22:27

I was going to text to ask if it was just the two of them. He said another man should be joining them, but I can tell from the photo it's just the two. I wanted to show I'd registered it. What do you think?

OP posts:
Purplemonkeydishwasherpimp · 07/05/2016 22:27

I think you're being a bit OTT personally. I often work away and if I'm with a colleague be that male or female we'd grab dinner/hang out its pretty normal behaviour - doesn't mean I want to fuck them! Working away is lonely and shit!

How is two glasses coupley? I think your past experiences are clouding your view, it is still very early days in your relationship currently so try tone the jealousy down (easier said than done I know)

TheRadiantAerynSun · 07/05/2016 22:28

Hmm, I always have dinner with colleagues who are staying in the same hotel when travelling. And in-jokes with some (usually work things no one else would care about.)

Unless there more to it that what you've posted it sounds fairly standard to me. Travelling is grim.

Original poster
Dollypoppy · 07/05/2016 22:30

It's the caption 'drinks time with my buddy' type of thing that worries me. I do trust him, like missbattleaxe said, it just looks a bit too cosy for me to feel comfortable about it.

OP posts:
Charlieandlola · 07/05/2016 22:31

Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it - little woman waiting at home whilst he has work wife during the week .
Telling you he doesn't tolerate jealousy is a huge red flag imo .
He'd be needing to show a bit more respect for your feelings and your relationship.

Purplemonkeydishwasherpimp · 07/05/2016 22:32

How is the picture of two drinks "too cosy" I'm not being an arse. Genuine question

Brandnewbrighttomorrow · 07/05/2016 22:36

I think if there was anything going on they would be pretty daft to advertise it on fb. Agree travelling away for business is grim, it sounds like it's just work to me

Twooter · 07/05/2016 22:36

its not normal to take a photo of two drinks, surely. Is he trying to make you jealous I wonder.

Rosalie55 · 07/05/2016 22:39

So you've been together 3 months or so and you're not comfortable with what? Him having a close female friend?

What's the worst that you're imagining? A bit of flirty banter? A small crush?

I understand it's making you anxious and that feeling is horrible, but I think early on in the relationship it's very reasonable to hang out with friends in this way - me and my DP have friends like this. Maybe you could try and meet her / get DP to introduce you to his work colleagues?

Babymamamama · 07/05/2016 22:40

I wonder if it's a big quick to be booking summer holidays with this man. Sorry I'm just being super cautious but you don't know that much about someone usually after just a few months especially if he works away a lot. I'd take it a bit slower op in your shoes. Hopefully the colleague is just that though-a work colleague

MissBattleaxe · 07/05/2016 22:40

If I was having work drinks with a colleague because we had to stay in the same hotel, I wouldn't post o photo of his'n'her drinks. It kind of says look how cute we ate! That's just my take. If it was an innocent drink and I wasn't single I would be playing it down, not posting two glasses on Fb like it was our anniversary.

Purplemonkeydishwasherpimp · 07/05/2016 22:46

Posting a picture of you and your mates drinks on social media is a common thing to do... MANY PEOPLE do it, it's not look how cute we are it's a fucking drink.

whattodowiththepoo · 07/05/2016 22:46

I wouldn't have an issue with this, I don't think he has done anything wrong.
If this is too much for you then be honest and tell him but be prepared for the relationship to end.

ALaughAMinute · 07/05/2016 22:47

Presumably you're friends with him on Facebook in which case he'll know you've seen the photos so why not just ask him who she is? If he says she's just a work colleague I would question him about it if you feel uncomfortable. Tell him you think the photos look a bit intimate and you're not happy about it.

Original poster
Dollypoppy · 07/05/2016 22:48

missbattleaxe is spot on. Why post it? She posted it by the way, he commented on it.

I've met local friends and his family, not work colleagues as they are too far away. We went out on Friday, would not have posted photos of our drinks and we are a 'couple'.

It's not the going out with female friends that bothers me, it's the advertising of it.

OP posts:
Purplemonkeydishwasherpimp · 07/05/2016 22:51

Just cause you don't do it doesn't mean other people don't. I have mates who tag me in every freaking pub we enter on a night out, where as my partner wouldn't DREAM of it.

UmbongoUnchained · 07/05/2016 22:52

I think you're being ridiculous. They're having a drink. I went out with my friends the other night and we posted a picture of all our drinks on the table. I wasn't banging any of them. In fact my husband was at home having a cozy movie night with his female best friend.

DrMorbius · 07/05/2016 22:55

I think this is a generational issue and posters should state their age when replying. Add that to the intrinsic bias of this site and "hey presto"

Your title Drinks wth another woman says it all. So basically in your mind your DP can only have male friends, because every woman he is friends with, he wants to shag in your mind!!!!

I work away most weeks, dinner is a socialising time. I have managed to get through 20 years of dinners without ever shagging my dinner partner. This includes being royally drunk on occasions.

You don't trust your DP, that is your problem.

HeddaGarbled · 07/05/2016 23:01

Would two men post a picture of two glasses on Facebook? It does seem a bit couply.

The comment about the ex not understanding would worry me a bit, almost like he was trying to manipulate you into putting up with dodgy behaviour in case he compares you to his "jealous" ex.

What was the context of that conversation? Did he bring it up first or was it in response to something you said?

I'm worried he's got form for overstepping boundaries and that he is trying to groom you into thinking that you are uptight and controlling if you don't let him get away with it.

I wouldn't ask about the other person joining them. I would wait until he was back and then tell him that you find the two glass photo odd and couply. Be clear that this is not coming from jealousy or lack of trust, but it is still unusual behaviour for work colleagues. Don't get dragged into an argument, try not to get upset, just make it clear that you don't think the Facebook post was appropriate.

If he respects that and doesn't do anything similar again, you probably don't have anything to worry about. If he keeps on pushing at those boundaries, then you do. Make it clear where your lines are now before you get too far into the relationship.

AcrossthePond55 · 07/05/2016 23:04

Well, February is only 3 months. Have you two ever actually talked about whether or not you are 'exclusive'? Because IMHO if it hasn't been explicitly spelled out, then he's free to do what he wants (as are you).

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