Drinks with another woman - would this bother you?

[Dollypoppy]

Been with a man since Feb, met on OLD. All going very well, holiday booked for summer and no issues at all.

He works away from home every other week. Has mentioned a colleague several times, and they meet for meals/drinks in the evening as they are in the same hotel.

I do trust him, but the two glasses photo on Facebook tonight and the obvious in jokes are bothering me. It's not something I would do.

I don't want him to be alone every night, but the coupley-ness of the photo and comments upset me. I feel all anxious and tight inside - last 'D'P had several inappropriate friendships and I know this might be colouring my view.

He has said his ex wouldn't have understood and would have been jealous so I don't want to overreact but it does upset me.

So do I say anything or not? And if so, what?

I'd really appreciate some perspective on this, thank you.

[Purplemonkeydishwasherpimp]

I'll just say it again... Posting pictures of your drinks isn't coupley.

[Dollypoppy]

Thank you heddagarbled, he will call when he's back in his room so I will mention it then and do as you suggest. If I don't it will only fester.

From the two obvious camps in this conversation you either get where I'm coming from or you don't and for those that do, thank you for your advice and I will take on board the comments from those of you who think I'm overacting.

Just to say, he mentioned going out with her a few weeks ago and I didn't really comment, which is when he said his ex would have gone mad at the same situation.

[cozietoesie]

For years, I socialised with colleagues if we were staying in the same or close-by hotels. And Yes, there were some 'In Jokes'. (Almost bound to be when you spend such a high proportion of your waking life with them.) It was all entirely non-relevant to personal relationships though.

I do, however, receive just a little feeling that he's ticking off boxes on some mental checklist with you. Has he ever compared your behaviour with someone else in other ways?

[Dollypoppy]

Yes, discussed being exclusive very early on.

Can't stress enough, I do trust him but can still feel upset about the cosiness of the photo.

[DrMorbius]

can't stress enough, I do trust him, err no you don't.

[RumAppleGinger]

Does his job involve regular travel? If so I would cut my losses now otherwise you're going to be a ball of anxiety everytime he goes away. Perhaps him mentioning the jealousy thing was because he has been in a relationship with a woman who was jealous and it's a shit feeling being constantly under suspicion.

Personally, I don't think he's done anything wrong.

[Dollypoppy]

He's tagged her in about six stupid memes this evening.

How is that appropriate? It's got nothing to do with trust, it's about respect.

[Purplemonkeydishwasherpimp]

Dollypoppy you do realise that if you say to him you think a picture of the drinks is cosy he will think you're batshit crazy don't you...

[Dollypoppy]

Crazy or not, surely this early in the relationship I have to set boundaries I'm comfortable with?

And cosy photos and numerous tags isn't something I'm happy with. Do you suggest I just put up with it purple?

[whattodowiththepoo]

I suggest you end the relationship and work on your self.

[Purplemonkeydishwasherpimp]

A picture of drinks isn't cosy, it's unfortunately life, people post pictures of their drinks, just like people post countless pictures of themselves pouting like idiots.

Again those stupid memes (usually fucking minions ) again I'm not sure why you find it uncomfortable, they're likely to be references to convo throughout the evening.

What do you want people to say, yes pictures of two gin and tonics and him tagging her in some shite minions memes deffo means he's shagging her?!

[Purplemonkeydishwasherpimp]

If that's the case, I'm shagging a lot of my mates (male and female)

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

I'm with you Dolly, I'd find the photo of two drinks a bit too cosy unless they were particularly interesting or photo-worthy drinks, and I'd be pissed off about all the tagging in memes as they could easily send them privately, rather than shouting out to the world that they are out for the night together and having private jokes in public.

My DP has female friends and colleagues, and while I understand that he spends time with them (colleagues more than friends) it does bother me. It's not that I don't trust him, just that I would feel left out. I would never post a photo publicly of me and another man having drinks, regardless of how innocent it was as I don't think it says the right things about my relationship with him.

I do feel a little bit jealous when I see photos from work events of DP and another woman in a selfie, but as they are all out as a group and there are always lots of variations and groups. If it was just him and her I would hope that he would be sensitive enough not to rub my nose in it.

[StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine]

I'm doubting that he was single in the first place.

[PanGalaticGargleBlaster]

Some awesome projecting on this thread!

[blueshoes]

Looks like there is something between them. And they are not hiding it either. I would not invest further in this relationship.

[Ludwaysl]

If I'm working away then I'll have dinner with colleagues staying in the same hotel, In fact I usually ask what hotel others are in and deliberately book the same hotel. Absolutely nothing in it.

[Sirona]

Nope wouldn't bother me but then I have close male friends and ex had lots of female friends (not the reason he's an ex :) )

[Dollypoppy]

Well, just had a chat about the photos/memes and he said he understood completely, wasn't really thinking about how I might feel and was really pleased I raised it rather than letting it build up and turn into a much bigger issue.

So pleased for some of the advice I got on here, even the 'alternative' posts gave me something to think about.

And yes markruffalocrumble - you get it, thanks for your understanding post.

Night all x

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

Sounds promising. Being able to talk about the things that worry you can help to make them less of a problem in the future.

[MagicMoonstone]

I see something here that really strikes a chord.

my Ex wouldn't let me do that

I get this a lot and it automatically means you have to be OK with it, regardless of whether you're fine with it or not.

Don't let this happen..... I've been "being ok with stuff" that actually I'm really not fucking ok with for almost 2 years now and it passes me off more than anyone will ever know. It's almost like you don't start at step 1 in the relationship, you start at about -10.

I'm not ok with about 90% of what ex was not ok with. Totally get why she objected to stuff but it feels like I cabt say it because I've already been warned about it so to speak.

It's a huge disadvantage so early in a relationship. Don't go there.

[GreenRug]

It feels to me a bit early for these conversations and if this is how he's making you feel after just 3 months them it's not going to last. 12 weeks in is when you're meant to be so cross eyed from fancying the pants off them and constantly thinking about them etc, not broaching how uncomfortable something they are doing makes you feel. On saying that, he did make you uncomfortable and your addressed it, which is preferable to not.

Fwiw, I've travelled a bit with work and if someone else is on the trip with me, it's almost considered a bit rude/odd to not join them for dinner/drinks in the evenings. So I dint think there's anything in it (disclaimer - i wouldn't like it either!)

[MagicMoonstone]

I think I'd be OK with them having drinks and a meal.... all that shit on fb though?

I don't get the whole fb stuff..... I don't use it but I regularly watch people using it and see how some people use it and it baffles me.

People can be sitting next to each other, chatting and tagging each other on it. What the actual fuck? Why not put the tablet down and INTERACT like normal people do?

It's almost like some people have to use it to show their relationship with each other in a public way. I don't get it?

Try and be cool with him being away and spending time with colleagues.... perhaps just rein him in with the fb stuff if it upsets you..... I can kind of see where your head may be at I think? I guess perhaps to an outsider who doesn't know you exist you may be feeling insecure because his fb friends may assume that they are a couple?

[Dollypoppy]

Some of you really do get where I'm coming from. As you said magicmoonstone I'm entirely comfortable with the drinks, it's the Facebook that upset me.

Thet were obviously both on YouTube or whatever - why not just show the screens to each other or just talk to each other

It does amaze me how people think that we shouldn't be having conversations about what bothers us after three months - surely that's exactly the time we should be having them?

We do 'fancy the pants off each other ' and if we are to become a proper 'thing' why wouldn't I mention it? We should be honest - if I saw someone new at work doing something that was causing concern I'd say so straight away, not wait for the annual review!

I would hate to be told that something I'd done ages ago upset someone, would rather be told at the time so I can decide whether to adjust what I did, or come to the conclusion it was a deal breaker and to move on.

What I've drawn from this is that it's okay to be upset with things, like the ex was; it's perhaps how and when I mention it that matters.

Had a text this morning saying sorry I was upset and thanks for mentioning it, so think I did the right thing for both of us.

[Easasabc15]

You just need to be careful you don't let this jealousy ruin your relationship.