Drinks with another woman - would this bother you?

[Dollypoppy]

Been with a man since Feb, met on OLD. All going very well, holiday booked for summer and no issues at all.

He works away from home every other week. Has mentioned a colleague several times, and they meet for meals/drinks in the evening as they are in the same hotel.

I do trust him, but the two glasses photo on Facebook tonight and the obvious in jokes are bothering me. It's not something I would do.

I don't want him to be alone every night, but the coupley-ness of the photo and comments upset me. I feel all anxious and tight inside - last 'D'P had several inappropriate friendships and I know this might be colouring my view.

He has said his ex wouldn't have understood and would have been jealous so I don't want to overreact but it does upset me.

So do I say anything or not? And if so, what?

I'd really appreciate some perspective on this, thank you.

[Letmebeme1]

It would not bother me as long as I trusted my partner

My husband has very socialising job and stays for drink with his staff at least once a week. I need to trust him otherwise I would go bonkers thinking about it all the time.

You probably just need time to feel like you have this trust in him, so go on holidays and get to know him better!

[Dollypoppy]

Don't you worry about that easasabc15 - we'll be fine.

[Easasabc15]

I wasn't going to

[GreenRug]

I think you're absolutely right to mention it op, and his reaction has confirmed he is a reasonable person! Good for you. I did something similar early on in a relationship and let's just say he didn't react like yours and I ended it very soon after.

[Dollypoppy]

Thank you greenrug. I bit my tongue so often in my last relationship because my ex would always twist things and I'd end up apologising for raising whatever was bothering me. In the end I kept quiet and then felt I'd let myself down by not ever mentioning things that made me unhappy. I vowed never again.

[LobsterQuadrille]

Hi dolly, I've just read the whole thread and I think you've handled this really well. From a rational perspective, as PPs have said, I've worked away for significant periods of time - most notable auditing a large insurance company for months, home only at weekends, and I would have gone insane were it not for evenings spent with any colleague around. FB wasn't around then - is it possible that your DP and female colleague have known each other a long time and that her nose has been slightly put out of joint by your appearance on the scene? He sounds keen and maybe talks about you a lot, and her FB post of drinks could be her asserting her prior claim, even as friends? I do know a few people like this (both sexes).

Good luck with it all - agree totally with what you say about raising issues early on before they have a chance to develop and fester.

[Dollypoppy]

Thank you lobster, I appreciate that.

[DrMorbius]

I know you are only listening to one half of the posts, so this is hardly worth writing Would you have felt the same if the dinners, FB posts were with a male friend?

I am curious, what do you think will happen now? Will your DP not have dinner with this woman, or will he just tone down the public announcements and hide things?

[IHeartTyrion]

Your first post made me think you were a bit unstable BUT I have to say, the more I've read the more I agree with you and I think you've handled it fantasticly!

I've done a u-turn and even though there are opinions opposite to yours they seem very dismisive once placing myself in your shoes!

I also agree that 3 months is NOT to early to talk about anything, especially shit they bothers you.

I wish you all the best with this relationship :-)

[PanGalaticGargleBlaster]

I imagine all that has changed here is that he will not be posting pics on Facebook during his trips away. The dinners/drinks with work colleagues will still occur, they just will not be advertised. To be honest if you are going to get in a twist over a photo of a few glasses and some related comments it does not bode well for the future. I have done the whole work away from home thing and although at first glance it looks exotic when you find yourself in Madrid, Paris or Rome the reality is early starts, long days in the office and zero sight seeing. Sharing a drink or dinner back at the hotel with work colleagues and talking about something other then work before hitting the sack (separately) is normal.

I was once in a relationship with a very jealous insecure partner who felt unease with any interaction I had with other women, did not matter if these were married uni friends, work colleagues of even my own sisters, I would end up getting a gestapo style grilling on the nature of my friendship with the women concerned and how it was inappropriate. Needless to say I finished things when it came to the point that I was essentially banned from having and female friends. I vowed that in any future relationships if identified similar insecurities early on I would run a mile as in my opinion if was just the tip of the iceberg.

[Heavens2Betsy]

He has said his ex wouldn't have understood and would have been jealous so I don't want to overreact but it does upset me.
Why does he get to control how you feel about this?
Maybe his ex had a point.
You are right to set your boundaries now. If he is away from home a lot this will happen a lot and you should feel comfortable with what he's doing.
I don't think you do trust him really deep down and he is not doing anything to gain your trust so it's understandable

[ChicRock]

This is a tricky one because he'll obviously carry on with drinks/dinner etc with the colleague. I just think he won't be as 'open' about it in future.

You're either the type of person that thinks what he did was fine and you'd do it yourself, or you're not, you think it's insesitive and you wouldn't. Neither are necessarily wrong.

You're the former, he's the latter. Doesn't mean he's up to anything though.

And I can well imagine a rolling-eyes conversation with the colleague now, asking her not to tag him in stuff like that in future because you don't like it.

I'd proceed cautiously if I were you. It's only been 2-3 months.

[ChicRock]

*Hes the former, you're the latter!

[Cabrinha]

Drinks out - meh. I work away, there's one man I'm out with any chance we land up in same office abroad because we've been friends for 10 years.

Posting it on fb: not what I'd do, but plenty of people can't help themselves!

On those I read thinking you were OTT.

But two things interested me about the ex comment.

• that maybe you are bring primed not to show jealousy, not to be like her
  
• WHY did she (supposedly) show jealousy? Perhaps she had good reason? Why is it OK for you to say what was bothering you, but it wasn't OK for her to be bothered by it?
  

You've only known him 3 months - he should be on high alert watch list anyway, for all things. So just keep it on your watch items list.

[LobsterQuadrille]

VocationalGoat - so if I'd been working away and having dinner with any colleague that was free that evening, purely so that I didn't have to spend a miserable couple of hours in a soulless hotel room ordering room service, and then I commence a new relationship that I am very happy with but my work situation remains unchanged .... I am expected to change totally my after-work plans which may have been in place for years, and spend every evening in lonely solitude?!

Afraid that would mean I'd stay single. It's not as if the OP's DP has a reasonable alternative. Or as if the OP is even in the area!

[AyeAmarok]

FWIW OP, I agree with you. Absolutely no problem with the one on one drinks if there are just the two of them away on a work trip in the same hotel. I've been in that position and I didn't want to sit in my hotel room on my own every night!

But the plastering it all over Facebook is a bit... weird. And couple-y But then I find Facebook posting of drinks weird anyway.

[frieda909]

My boyfriend has a lot of very close female friends from work. It's just the kind of industry he's in, he tends to meet more women than men and some of them have become really good friends. It's never occurred to me to worry about it and he's always inviting me along to join them for drinks etc. One of his friends in particular is very social-media happy and would absolutely post a photo like this if she were out for drinks with him, so I wouldn't find it weird at all.

I also used to work in a very male-dominated industry where I travelled for work a lot, and I would have thought nothing of meeting a colleague for dinner and drinks if he happened to be staying in the hotel. It's unlikely I'd post on Facebook about it, unless maybe we got some particularly weird or unusual looking cocktails that I wanted to take a photo of.

Do you have any other reasons for being uncomfortable with his relationship with this woman?

[Slowdecrease]

I think you're being daft about this BUT I also think his comment about his ex being jealous etc etc is a bit of a red flag. ie. If you don't think it's ok for him to have women friends etc then you're just like his ex - (who is his ex, the inference being you will be too) . I have a really close male friend who is married and he's just that - we might have a night out and post photo's of our drinks or food or whatever it doesn't mean anything. I always think the crux of it is if he'd be happy to introduce you to his woman friends/drinks buddy all is well, if he wouldn't then it isn't. My DP and my best male friend get on like a house on fire.

For the record, when my DP pulled the "my ex was really jealous" one on me - I pulled him on it. I think a little jealousy over someone you value is entirely normal, possessiveness is something completely different,

[TheNaze73]

If I was confronted about something like this 3 months in, I'd run a bloody mile. It strikes me as being way OTT. I know it's only Facebook but, if someone had something genuine to hide, they'd not stick it on the site. Think you need to chill a bit. Good luck

[MagicMoonstone]

You know what.... I get that people are saying, it's early in the game to be airing problems but surely it's best to get it all out there from the start. That way you will both be aware of the others expectations.

Please please don't go along with stuff.just because the ex didn't allow it. It will set you up for failure. If you're not cool with something, tell him. It may make him realise that if you and the ex as well are singing from the same hymn sheet then the problem might just be his actions, as opposed to your reactions.

[minatiae]

TBH I think you're being silly and bordering on controlling.

I have a male friend at work who is married and we would absolutely have dinner etc together if staying at same hotel while away from work, especially if it was just the two of us, and while I might not post pics on FB, he probably would. What do you want, for him and colleague to have dinner separately alone in the same hotel? That's not reasonable.

My friend's wife doesn't have a problem with our friendship. We all know there's nothing in it but a friendship - the kind that forms when you spend every day working closely with someone for a number of years. You get to know each other very well from that. It's absolutely OK for men and women to have close friends of the opposite sex.

If my new partner had a problem with my male friend, it wouldn't be my friend that I would stop seeing.

[MarkRuffaloCrumble]

I don't think anyone is saying that the boyfriend shouldn't be having a meal or drinks with a colleague, it's the overly familiar sharing in public which has made op feel uncomfortable.

Of course most people understand that men and women can just be friends, but there is an innate feeling of protectiveness towards our primary relationship and when something appears to threaten that relationship it's not unusual to feel jealous.

As we all have different boundaries of acceptable behaviour based on experience and how well we know the partner, their friend etc of course some people find this situation odd, those perhaps in longer term relationships have a stronger feeling of trust in their partner and being settled and secure means that small things don't feel so threatening.

Op has dealt with it in a no-drama low key style, she hasn't gone onto FB flinging wild accusations at the pair or phoned BF in tears saying he must never go out again, just pointed out that this made her feel uncomfortable.

It's exactly the sort of conversation I have with my DP about his ex. She will say overly familiar things in messages, on the phone ("Love you, bye!", calls him babe - has actually talked about how amazing his sperm is while at a family gathering ) and he now knows I don't like this. While we both have to accept that she is just like that, it means that he and I are on the same team when it happens, rather than him not really noticing her behaviour, her making coupley noises and me quietly seething!

Op I think you have handled it well. 3 months is not early days if you are seeing each other regularly and it is exactly the right time to set out your stall and make sure you both have similar views on things.

[Jan45]

I think you are perfectly normal and so is your reaction, how would he feel if he saw pics of you and some guy cosying up with drinkies, bet he'd not like it.

Sorry but he could be a bit more sensitive to your feelings here, especially at 3 months, he should be trying to impress you, not hurt your feelings. Whether it's innocent or not that type of pic is going to illicit a reaction, that, plus his remarks about his ex wife not liking it actually makes me think he's not so great but I guess only time will tell.

Could he not have said best not post a pic, it could be misunderstood, would that have been too hard for him? That's what I would have done.