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Original poster

cheating husband

93 replies

Rosebud99 · 12/04/2016 23:37

my husband of 10 years has been seeking massages with additional services for the last 4 years. I found emails which he admits he initiated but claims he did not go through with them. His has no reason as to why he did it when he feels there were no issues in our relationship. I am broken and totally confused. Plz can someone give me some advice.

OP posts:
janaus · 13/04/2016 03:10

Sorry you are going through this.

Could it be an addiction. Counselling might be able to help.

Original poster
Rosebud99 · 13/04/2016 03:19

Thank you for getting back to me, yes I think something is definitely up and counselling is on the cards as we have 3 young children but what I can't seem to believe is that he would email to arrange meetings numerous times and not go ahead with it-is that even possible? When I confronted him, he denied it-shouting that I didn't trust him but then when I showed him the emails he said he didn't know why he did itConfused

OP posts:
FelicityR313 · 13/04/2016 03:30

We can't tell you what he did or didn't do. I have my suspicions, but he's not my husband. And it is very doubtful that numerous failed payments/encounters would have been tolerated.

Kr1stina · 13/04/2016 03:36

I guess you know that he has in fact been cheating on you ?

Do you want to stay in this marriage ?

Original poster
Rosebud99 · 13/04/2016 03:45

Well talking to him he's admitted that he went but only onceConfused and that it was just a massage. He's too scared to tell me the whole truth and actually, whichever way it goes, that's all I was-the truth

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 13/04/2016 03:53

Do you believe him?

What do you want to do ?

Original poster
Rosebud99 · 13/04/2016 03:59

I believe he's got more to tell but I feel so stuck in this hole that I don't know if what I'm thinking, seeing, feeling is correct or true

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 13/04/2016 04:00

What do you feel ?

Baconyum · 13/04/2016 04:01

Google 'cheaters script'

Only admit to what your accuser can prove ' I only looked/booked appointments'

Deny - 'I didn't go through with it'

Minimise - 'it only happened once'

Next he'll be blaming you/your relationship

Consider this, if he's been visiting prostitutes he's not only been unfaithful he's spent family money on it and risked both your health/lives.

Phoenix69 · 13/04/2016 05:00

So first of all he denied it and accused you of lack of trust
Then with your evidence he admitted booking but not going
Then he admitted going once but just for a massage.
If you are looking for the truth you are looking in the wrong place.
on the basis he has been lying to you for years, I would say he has been going for years regularly for sex.
I doubt he would admit it, but next up from him will be the blame heaped on you.
Yes seek counselling, but can't change him. I'd be looking for an exit strategy.

Kr1stina · 13/04/2016 05:24

Can I just check what you mean by counselling .

Do you mean that you are going alone to a counsellor to talk about how you feel and what you want to do ?

Or that your husband has admitted that he has been cheating and is going to get counselling for being a lying cheating bastard?

Cabrinha · 13/04/2016 07:32

Oh FFS Janaus! An addiction? Please!

OP, I'm sorry, you're married to a cheating prostitute using arsehole.

Do not have sex with him again, and get yourself tested for STIs. Sorry to be blunt, but you need to check - waiting for my HIV test when my husband did the same was a particular low point of my life Confused
Flowers for you.

I can tell you this: no one spends four YEARS booking prostitutes and doesn't go. Oh sorry - he went once. Such a fucking cliché with his change of tune when he realised it was unbelievable.

My advice? Divorce the lying cheating arsehole. Four YEARS of using prostitutes. That's a lot of money apart from anything else.

Counselling is a great idea - but for you alone, not with him, to get your own head straight.

Original poster
Rosebud99 · 13/04/2016 11:04

Thank u for ur views. it really helps getting others views that really match my own. well not justifying it but they are massage places that offer extra services. What is getting to me is the lack of honesty about it all-deny, lie, lie some more then give a little bit of truth at a time. I know it sounds silly but I want to know the truth. Thing is as well is I'm pregnant. I feel like the stupid cliche but I honestly didn't think anything was wrong-he was always there (apart from when I was at work which is when he was arranging these massages, which is when I was encouraging him to go to the gym)

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 13/04/2016 11:20

Oh love, you need to be honest with yourself, even if he isn't.
These are prostitutes.
It isn't "a massage place offering extra services".
It is a place offering prostitutes with a front as a massage parlour.
If a man wants a massage, he sees a physiotherapist, or a massage therapist. He does not see a prostitute.
Stay with him, don't stay with him. But don't kid yourself and let him lie to you that any of this was for a massage Hmm

And you're right about the lying - I found that most destructive of all.

I actually think you can't come back from a man deciding he has the right to go and buy sex, betraying you and putting your health at risk. But if you could come back from it, it would only happen if he wasn't a fucking liar.

He's been having sex with numerous other women for 4 years. Don't be fooled into thinking he only had a massage. You don't go to prostitutes for massages. How can you hope to work on this if you don't know the truth? How will he address why he slept with other women for 4 years if he won't admit that he did?

Jan45 · 13/04/2016 11:21

Doesn't sound silly at all, he's been living a second life having sex with escorts, of course you want to know it all.

But once you know, you will probably not want him near you ever again and quite rightly too.

ElspethFlashman · 13/04/2016 11:24

He has had numerous grubby sexual encounters with prostitutes.

He'll probably never admit that though, self preservation will stop him.

For the sake of the health of your unborn child, you need an STI check I'm afraid. Do not tell him you're doing this. He'll instantly try to persuade you it's not necessary (part of keeping his story minimised) but your obligation to that child trumps everything.

Jan45 · 13/04/2016 13:17

He went once, in four years and only had a massage, see right there you have an issue as he's already from the off lying and minimising.

You don't visit a massage parlour for four years without having sex, it's an intrinsic part of the whole operation.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/04/2016 19:52

I'm extremely sorry, Rosebud - I've been there and understand your hurt

Him doing this while you're pregnant is simply hideous, and you really should get an STI check as a matter of urgency - it's not even just about your own health now, but your child's as well

I agree with everyone else that he's very unlikely to ever tell you the whole truth - he won't want you to know in case you leave, and if you do leave there's no benefit to him in further admissions. If anything else does come out he'll no doubt say he didn't want to tell you what-it-is as it would hurt you more - all part of the same sad, worn script I'm afraid

How do you feel at the moment about whether to stay or not?

CalleighDoodle · 13/04/2016 20:00

Are there any physiotherapists / day spa massage places closer than this brothel?

Original poster
Rosebud99 · 13/04/2016 20:16

It isn't a brothel he's been going to. It's more like people who work from home. He admitted to going to one only in the last few years but it was a genuine massage apparently Confused I want to try n move forward but still can't get out of my head the lies while living a life of 'devoted husband and father'. Still analysing his behaviour n nothing pointed to this-I've been reading self help things online and still can't understand why he did it

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosebud99 · 13/04/2016 20:45

Ok so now he's admitted it was massages n handjobs. What do u all think? I'm really sorry for not being stronger n walking away

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 13/04/2016 20:48

I think, if you've crossed the line and think it's OK to pay for a handjob when you're married... then simply why wouldn't you go ahead and have full sex?
It just makes more sense to believe that he did have sex than didn't.
Four years and he only got wanked off by hand? Bullshit.

Sorry Flowers

LineyReborn · 13/04/2016 20:49

You're in shock. You need to process this before you decide to do anything.

So sorry Flowers

Fooshufflewickbannanapants · 13/04/2016 20:49

Walk away. Get a health check and take care of yourself Flowers

Cabrinha · 13/04/2016 20:56

And don't apologise - he's the one at fault here, not you.
I had suspicions about my XH, but only really accepted it when I found sonething when my baby was 4 months old.
I didn't leave him til she was four YEARS! (I didn't touch the grubby fucker again in all that time though - and I was right not to, later found plenty of evidence)
It's an awful position to be in, and it's easy from the outside to say leave.
I would only say, if you are staying (for now?) then don't accept any bullshit lies. He's gone from never meeting, to once for a massage, to handjobs only.
Make whatever decision you make in the full knowledge that whatever he says, he has been having sex with many other women.

But you know what? The day I left my XH he said (again Hmm) "I on my looked" and I said "you do realise, that that is enough for me to end this?"

He may never admit that he's had sex.
But...
A handjob is OK to leave over.
A massage only but done by a sex worker is OK to leave over.
Booking a massage with a prostitute and not turning up is OK to leave over.
Finding out he even thought about the deliberate act of booking a prostitute is OK to leave over.

I really really understand the need for the pursuit of the truth.

Sometimes, just being lied to is OK to leave over.

Flowers