cheating husband

[Rosebud99]

my husband of 10 years has been seeking massages with additional services for the last 4 years. I found emails which he admits he initiated but claims he did not go through with them. His has no reason as to why he did it when he feels there were no issues in our relationship. I am broken and totally confused. Plz can someone give me some advice.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

What exactly is his motivation to change or learn?

Yes, this ^^

[Rosebud99]

Yes I agree n that's exactly how I feel that he broke the trust n all that which means we haven't had a relationship for a long time n now I agree with those people that a paper is just a paper n a ring means nothing. It's the actions n attitudes that speak volumes n either make or break people n relationships which he's managed to do both of

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

How do you feel about the idea of asking him to leave for a set time and giving you space to think, Rosebud?

I didn't know about MN when it happened to me and really regret missing out on that piece of advice; it's over for us now, but I do sometimes wonder if it would have made a difference

[Rosebud99]

It frustrates me that he just can't tell the truth!! Am I mad for wanting that even though I know the answers myself? It's like, just b honest abt the sex n that u didn't fully regret it (for 4 fking years)

[Rosebud99]

Thanks again for the support..I don't know what I'm gonna do, I want to try for my family but then again am thinking is this the best way? We both have elderly parents n I don't give up easily. Also I think he does have a lot of issues of his own but at the same time, I need to see where I went wrong (in not seeing the truth) n then take it from there. I haven't told anyone apart from his mum n she's been amazing but it kills me that is killing her too

[isMise]

I'm so sorry for op and for Camh and everyone else on here who had a man do this. I'm in the same boat, and I cracked the password and found the bookings and a review. He was according to the prostitute a "fun sensual guy" and it was a "great way to spend an afternoon".

He swore blind he only looked.
Then he swore blind he did it only once.
Swore was only a blowjob with a condom.
Swore it was only a couple of times when he was stressed.
Swore there was never a threesome.
Swore the threesome was only the once.

Etc etc.

And I was 5 weeks pregnant when I found out!

I've had so many reactions and gone through so much.

I also completely get the need to know all. It's the secret life hopping online all the time, obviously was checking replies and bookings, the lying, the "heading out for a bit" crap, that absolutely killed me. his life was exciting! I was rearing our one year old and pregnant. And I was feeling paranoid as I felt something was going on, but I thought it was him maybe having an infatuation or something... Never thought he'd do what he was doing!! Not in a million years would I have guessed his secret prostitute-using life.

I actually never felt jealous or insufficient regarding the fact it was relating to sex. To me it was his grubby, deeply shaming secret. And habit. His double life and his awful habits that made me lose respect for him.

It's so completely not like an affair. It's habitual, part of their lives, a familiar a response to them, an action. It's got nothing to do with a relationship.

They know it's wrong, otherwise they wouldn't keep it a secret!

I told my p's mother. It was the only way I could hurt him as he worshipped her. She was so ashamed, but ultimately forgave him, and in time blamed me for it, citing the pressures of a new family.... Even though he had been doing it before he met me. He just never stopped.

Shite I am sorry for the derail. But I want you to know this happens to other perfectly normal functioning women and you're not on your own and it's hard to find friends who will get your reactions as it's such s mental situation (well that was the case for me). OP how are you today?

[Cabrinha]

Oh yeah, the reviews. My XH is "a true gent".
The same XH that only ever looked
😂

Interesting about your ex's mother, that's why I didn't bother getting my own back by telling my MIL. I since going out that her older son had a kerb crawling court appearance and fine many years ago. I know when he divorced (an affair) MIL totally backed the DIL, paying her solicitor fees (and actually she did screw her XH, MIL's son over pretty well!). But years later... well, blood was thicker than water.

Hope you're doing OK, OP.
Although it's a nasty truth, this is so common that my initial disbelief "how could it be true? Maybe he did only look" was obviously wrong. Why would this industry exist if there weren't plenty of men prepared to do it? It's unbelievable on a personal level but actually... this shit happens all the bloody time

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Another one here who wouldn't have said anything to MIL for the world. Admittedly he had an almost worrying obsession with mummy, but as PPs have said, the blood being thicker than water thing is very true

Just wondering if you also got the "prostitutes aren't like real affairs so it doesn't count" excuse, Rosebud? If not, do be aware that it's probably winging it's way to you soon ...

[Rosebud99]

Hi all, yes thank u I'm ok. I just go through ups n downs but I know whatever the outcome I will b fine. He's still not admitted to anymore than HR but it doesn't matter to me-a betrays is a betrayal. My MIL has been fab but truly heartbroken. I can't tell anyone else as can't face it n am so ashamed. He keeps saying he regrets it but the years of lies and going ahead with it even though he 'regretted it n swore he'd not do it again' makes me question whether it's really genuine or whether he's bummed cuz he got caught

[Rosebud99]

He also said he didn't consider it cheating/adultery/betrayal as he didn't commit to full intercourse!!!!! So that makes me think what kind of person is he? And yes, when our first born was 6 months is when he started-when I was working my ass off to b a good mum n wife! N I thought our sex life then was good

[Cabrinha]

What a prince.
That's why, IMO, it's just a dead loss trying to make anything work.
He didn't think a hand job was cheating? Not a betrayal? How do you ever come back from that attitude? Because it's that core belief that means you can never trust them not to do it again.
He doesn't think it was wrong. So the only thing that will stop him is fear of consequences of you finding out.
Part of him will think "she won't find out this time" and another part will think "there actually weren't any consequences last time".
My XH is doing it to his new GF. The eventual consequence for him was losing his marriage but he didn't care by then as his cheating had poisoned it so much that he was happy to "lose" me. But he's cheating on the new GF because fundamentally, he just doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I couldn't have put it better myself cabrinha

[isMise]

Of course it's a betrayal. What planet is he on?!

Watch out OP for the flood of anger. You're pregnant, so mind yourself, and remember it's ok to not deal with this right away, likewise it's ok to kick him out. But take your time on any decision as nothing has to be determined today. You've so much on your plate and it can be overwhelming.

Try tell someone in real life as it may well overwhelm you some day and you will need support. You and your bump are priority!

[Rosebud99]

Oh gosh! Today has been a hard day-we have been with extended family all day. It's been good to b distracted but hard in the sense of putting on a front. everyone else seems so happy. They all think he is a gentle, decent, honest family man and husband n I am so ashamed n hurt

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

So sorry you've had a difficult day, Rosebud - though I'd warn against being too quick to put on the kind of front which might protect him. He might very easily believe that you'll be happy to do this all the time, and so consider the whole thing swept under the carpet

[Rosebud99]

Oh totally agree with u-yesterday spent time with kids n then in evening I started talking abt his lying. He was clearly annoyed n thought we were getting better?! I mean ffs, I'm not gonna b over it in a day! Im doing it more for kids n family than him-my daughter knows somethings not right.

[Cabrinha]

"he was clearly annoyed"

Well that's the attitude of a remorseful man who is amazed at his luck that you haven't thrown him out and is trying to do everything he can to persuade you to stay with him

I'm seething on your behalf

[Cabrinha]

I would have said "excuse me but why the fuck do you think you get to be annoyed?"

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Didn't I predict he'd soon be at the "I said I'm sorry, what more do ya want?!?" stage soon. Then again, he has exceededy expectations with his swiftness.

This is Cheating Script 101. He doesn't have an ounce of remorse. On the contrary, he's taking heart in the fact that you're still playing happy filies. He has not had to suffer consequences. Your "nagging" him he can swat away until you see sense and back off.

So, what are you going to do?

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Families, not filies. Of course. #badphone

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

He was clearly annoyed n thought we were getting better?!

If you needed proof that he'll simply never get it, there it is

Although that said, he's been getting away with this for years without any consequences; perhaps his contempt and lies come from a belief that there really aren't going to be any?

[Rosebud99]

He says he gets annoyed cuz he didn't do anything other than HR - i don't care. A betrayal is a betrayal. He's going for counselling in next few days and we have couples counselling at the end of the week. I need to find out where this all went wrong - when i thought everything was perfect, he obviously didn't and i want to know why. Not for the sake of us but for me and my kids. Its a bloody mess.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

He says he gets annoyed cuz he didn't do anything other than HR

Except that it's 99.99% certain he's lying - not that you'd ever be able to prove it of course

I wish you all the very best with the counselling, but isn't it said that it will be difficult if he's not prepared to tell the truth there either?

[Kr1stina]

He didn't cheat on your because there was anything wrong with your relationship

He cheated on your because of his very large sense of entitlement . He believes that it's ok to lie and cheat to you and to abuse prostitued women .

It's not your fault that he believes this and acts upon his beliefs . I'd be very suprised if his counsellor challenges his belief system and that he accepts that he was wrong and works hard to change .