cheating husband

[Rosebud99]

my husband of 10 years has been seeking massages with additional services for the last 4 years. I found emails which he admits he initiated but claims he did not go through with them. His has no reason as to why he did it when he feels there were no issues in our relationship. I am broken and totally confused. Plz can someone give me some advice.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Ok so now he's admitted it was massages n handjobs

Absolutely standard I'm afraid; next it will be "only" a blowjob, then PIV "but he couldn't get it up properly so it doesn't count", then something else - and that's if he's prepared to admit any more anyway

Right now he's doing a kind of mental balancing act around how little he can say and still keep you there. Unfortunately you already know he's lied and potentially put both you and your unborn child at risk; only you can decide whether you can live with that, but please know that after deceiving you for so long, he's not going to change now

[Cabrinha]

FWIW my XH never did admit it. Broken record "I know how it looks, I'm the unluckiest man alive, I swear I didn't do anything, I only looked, I never went through with a booking". You have to be on the receiving end of consistent denial to understand how powerful it is.
Right up to and including the night I dumped him he was still saying he never went through with it.

After I dumped him I "came across" his password for a website. He had flipping reviews and repeat visits on there. Just looking, my arse!

[RedMapleLeaf]

Don't feel that you are weak. You are being very strong. You will be able to act when you are ready

[Rosebud99]

Thank u so much for your support. Yes I am in shock and genuinely don't know what to do. We have entered into counselling both for himself and us but I've said to him that the outcome can go either way. I am not a fool anymore for believing his lies and will b going to get tested. It is the lies, dishonesty and lack of respect for me which Is really getting to me-he said he considered stopping cuz work things weren't working out so well(?!) I mean wtf?!

[LineyReborn]

Lots of men blame stress for shitty behaviour. It's still shitty behaviour, though.

He should be looking out for you, not putting you through this hell.

[Baconyum]

I'm so sorry but as an HCP I feel you need to get a whole battery of tests for your baby's sake. Not just sti's there's other infections too that can affect how you need to give birth too that condoms don't protect well against.

I agree with others it'll be a drip feed now, handjob, blow job, full piv and possibly but hopefully not worse.

[Baconyum]

Sorry ex HCP - just to be honest.

[Lillygolightly]

Rosebud

So sorry your going through this but with great respect love he has been doing this for 4 years!! 4 years in which he has professed to love you, care about you, care about your health and now the health of your unborn child!! In all that time he has had no problem hiding his dirty little secret away from you! He has had no issue in having hand jobs (I don't think most men would pay a woman to do something they can easily do themselves so most likely he's been having sex) with other women and has come home to you and had no problem kissing cuddling and keeping a perfectly straight face!!! 4 years he has been doing this! It will not stop just because you have found out!!!

With such a convincing liar as him you will never ever trust he is telling you the truth or being honest. All he will do is not indulge for a while whilst he gains your trust and then most probably once you've settled or busy with baby/kids he will go right back to doing just as he did before. Also the next time he does it he will hide his tracks much better, will know not to leave evidence where you might find it, and be more careful than before.

Forget the apologies he makes and the things he is saying as its all a croc of shit. He hadn't even told you the truth I guarantee it!! He is showing you no honesty, no respect, no genuine remorse or regret!! The bloody idiot is more concerned about trying to save that being bothered about your need for the truth especially since because of him you DO most definitely need an STI check for the health and safety of your baby!!!

Someone who is genuinely remorseful and deeply sorry and loves you sits you down and holds your hand and looks you in the eye and says: look I know it's awful, your probably going to hate me and want to leave but I did (insert have sex with prostitutes/other women etc) and I know it's terrible and you'll be incredibly hurt but you need to know so we can be honest with each other, move on, protect the health of our unborn child!

He hasn't said anything along those lines has he?....thought not! Don't trust the bastard as far as you can throw him and FWIW I'd throw the sorry fucker out!!

Sorry, I know that's harsh news, but I think it's the truth.

[Lillygolightly]

the bloody idiot is more concerned about trying to save himself

Should use the flipping preview button..doh!

[cupcakesandwine]

I'm afraid I agree with the views of the PP. He is drip feeding in a way which is absolutely standard for cheating men.

I know at the moment you must be walking around in a cloud of disbelief that your H, the man you have known for so long, slept beside every night and had children with could possibly do this. It takes a while for that cloud to go even in the face of all the evidence and that is normal. I've been there.

However, he is not the man you thought he was and that is inescapable.

When I found out that my exH had been cheating, I think I could have got past the sexual infidelity, alone, but what I gradually realised I could never get past was the lying. I would never be able to trust him again because his word is worth nothing. That was the true deal breaker. Once you have had that realisation there is no way back. You're not there yet, but you will be.

I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling, You need to put yourself and your children first now. Protect yourselves financially and get all the support you can on here and in real life from friends. I'm coming up for five years down the line from that first revelation and whilst it was devastating at the time, life after divorce is good and I wouldn't go back if I could.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

I must sound like a broken record always suggesting //ChumpLady.com but you say you're looking at online self help, and she is a desperately needed oasis of sanity in a vaste sea of "how to make your marriage better after he cheats on you" bullshit (the Reconciliation Industrial Complex, she calls it). Chump Lady will help you cut through the bullshit, and find your anger.

And you do need to find your anger. This man not only cheated, he lied to you, spent family money on his dick, risked your health and that of your unborn child, and is lying still. Nothing is as important to him as himself. That really isn't a moment of madness. It's sustained, systemic entitlement.

I am also emboldened by the fact that your main problem at the moment is the lies, both historic and ongoing. You need clarity, not further headfucking or wondering what you did wrong or what magic words you can say to make him a better man.

Read Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse. Read Stupid Shit Cheaters Say. Read Kindness v Niceness.

BTW, the next stage of the GINR is "I said I was sorry, what more do you want?!?" Be prepared.

[Cabrinha]

Preemptive I've read bits of Chumplady and agree it's very good - and the imitation remorse applies to both regular affairs and prostitute use.

But I wondered if there was anything specifically on prostitute use?

I do feel it's a special sub set of arsehole cheating behaviour. I sometimes think that, without condoning it, I can see how an affair could happen... not enough effort going into the marriage, some ego boosting flirting, crossing lines whilst kidding yourself you're only friends... the gradual slide. Totally wrong, but I can imagine it. But using a prostitute - it's such a cold blooded deliberate act. My own opinion (XW of prostitute user) is that a married man who has it in him to casually book a woman for sex is simply never to be trusted again. It's such a deep character flaw, to be able to do that. Booking a prostitute is easy and discreet. Once you've given yourself permission to do that, I don't think you ever shake that off and there is always a strong risk you'll just go ahead and do it again. A one off, she'll never know, it's not actually cheating, I got away with it last time anyway...

[Cabrinha]

The other thing that strikes me with prostitute users is this: the wife can never compete.

The only thing I felt I could do "better" than a prostitute was offer 'making love' as well as sex, and a developing sexual intimacy and trust.

Well - if a man books a prostitute he clearly doesn't care about 'love'. And as for that wonderful trust and intimacy that develops as you get to know each other inside out and trust each other... It could take a long time to discover that touching him like 'this' works - but with a prostitute you use cash instead of trust. He can just say "and I want you to xyz".

A wife can't compete if any of the reason for prostitute use is the feeling of it being illicit.

A wife probably can't compete on pure technical competence. These women have sex with 1000s of men, they are professionals - they know what to do and say.

A wife can't compete with being a completely new body as often as the man wants.

Given all that, if you are capable of cheating on your wife by paying for sex, I think it's very unlikely you'll walk away from that - not permanently.

I know it's anecdotal, but when my XH got a new GF, it took him no more than 6 weeks to book a prostitute again. Yep, at 6 weeks with my new BF I was still in the giddy can't say your name without smiling and can't stop touching you phase.

I might (might might might) one day trust a man who'd had an affair. I would never trust a prostitute user.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

I used to feel the opposite, actually, Cabrinha! That "just sex" wasn't as bad as falling in love. And I still feel that, in general (although all cheating is abhorrent, of course!), but I now agree with what you say, and more. We can't look at prostitution with any kind of innocence anymore.

This sort of thing frequently gets discussed on the Feminist boards: how much free choice does a prostitute have, really? Even if we can find the tiny percentage of sex workers who aren't forced, trafficked, drugged up, or so financially desperate it's not really a choice, even if we could find that mythical happy hooker, of a.n. act, does she really want to do it? Does she wake up that morning, thinking "I get to do anal today! Woo HOO!"

What you describe as a selling point, that he can get xx or yy actions, techniques from a prostitute, but he doesn't get tenderness and trust and getting to know your lover. Well, that's pretty much the point with men who use them, isn't it? They get their rocks off and don't have to think about the other person. And when he gets xx or yy service from the sex worker, true consent doesn't matter.

We frequently deplore on these Relationships threads men who would have sex with their partner if she isn't enthusiastically consenting - what kind of a man gets off on just using somebody?

Rapists and men who use prostitutes, really.

Sorry, OP, for the hijack. Hope you're keeping well.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Some very insightful remarks about prostitute use above - and I think that point about "not having to think about the other person" is important

For me, there's a definite inadequacy in men who choose to behave like this ... so in an odd kind of way, isn't there a kind of logic in them paying someone for sex? No effort needed - no worry about judgments - no recriminations - just cold hard cash

For someone lacking in normal human empathy, it's probably quite an attractive option

[Rosebud99]

Thank u all so much for ur thoughts n support. And no, plz don't think ur taking over. It's fab to have the insight n tbh I'm thinking all these things anyways. I just can't believe that I married someone n don't know who they are-cliche I know. He keeps saying it was wrong but is he only saying it cuz he got caught. Still saying it was only handjobs n that it🙄 But when my trust, heart n everything is in ruins. Yes I believe that he needs therapy but I don't know if in the long run this is the person I want to be with but at the same time put my everything into him n building this life 😢

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

He keeps saying it was wrong but is he only saying it cuz he got caught

On the basis of him doing this for four years, yes I'm afraid this is almost certainly the case. If it was so "wrong" he didn't need to keep repeating it, did he - and as others have said, nobody spends so much for so long on something they can do for themselves

You're being lied to, Rosebud, and as things stand there's not much reason for him to change. What do you feel you want to do?

[Cabrinha]

What I find interesting about these men who minimise and say it was a handjob not full sex is - why on earth do they think that makes it more forgiveable, less catastrophic?

I mean - WTF?!!!

He only got wanked off by a prostitute. So that's OK then.

[redfox2015]

Rosebud you are facing something horrible and handling it well. I think you have three small children and another coming, sorry I read the thread earlier, but couldn't reply then. You are still talking to DH so I'm assuming things may be savable from your perspective. Your DH has messed up big time, give him the space, maybe in counselling where things are controlled, to make a full confession, if he does, then just maybe you have a place to work from. If he doesn't just show him the door.

A couple of points from second hand experience. I hate the term prostitute, they are girls in that business for whatever reason and deserve respect. I have met a few who do it to pay their way through Uni and they worked I assume in the kind of places DH describes. They try and get the guys to have full sex because they get more money quickly, so it is probable DH has, Massage is a euphamism (I think that's thee right word)

I am single and in my twenties and meet guys in relationships every weekend looking for NSA sex, and I get pretty wound up over women who claim their guy is a good one and yours is bad - the only difference is yours got caught, sorry but most guys are up for it if they think they won't get caught.

Hope you get things sorted and get to move on, though it is going to be such a hard time.Want to give you a hug xo

[Kirk123]

Rosebud , he is a liar and if you have him back next time you will be older and its gets harder , I should of left mine years ago but kept taking him back , and he was sext exiting or so he said , I will never know , this progressed to a 8 week affair last year . Take care of you and your children and all you need to do is breathe and take time , mn friends will be here for you my lovely ❤️

[RedMapleLeaf]

They try and get the guys to have full sex because they get more money quickly, so it is probable DH has

I feel so sorry for the men being manipulate by these professional, avaricious, graduate "girls"

most guys are up for it if they think they won't get caught

What an offensive generalisation.

[Rosebud99]

I agree to some extent. While these women are making money, they are breaking families, devaluing themselves etc etc but it was his choice to go, to do it ALL, to lie n cheat. He approached them, they didn't force him. He is the one that ignored marriage vows, regard for family or any form of decency when he did it. It's a growing business that people are looking for so no party is blameless

[RedMapleLeaf]

Women should not be held responsible for the choices of men, be they their mothers, partners or working in the sex industry.

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Redfox I'm not even going to dignify your naïve bletherings with the flaming you so richly deserve.

Rosebud, hope you're bearing up OK. Something you really need to do (if you haven't already - sorry, it's not clear from your posts so far) is make him leave the house for a defined amount of time (say, a week, but don't feel required to take him back after that - your call entirely!). You need to be able to think clearly and if he's not giving you space to do that, your stress levels are going to hit the roof. Which is the last thing you and Bump need!

Add to which, Twunt needs some measure of consequences! If in the midst if all this hurt and turmoil you're going through, he still gets his socks washed and meals served, what exactly is his motivation to change or learn?

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Well and bravely said, Rosebud' despite the horror you're going through you're obviously thinking about this very clearly (and a great deal better than I did!!)

The dubious lure of prostitutes and unpleasant generalisations about "most men" really aren't the point anyway, as you didn't marry most men - you married this one, and it's this one who's cheating

Personally I very much agree with the PP who said it's not even so much the infidelity which does it, but the lies. Somebody much wiser than me once said that no trust = no relationship, and they weren't wrong