cheating husband

[Rosebud99]

my husband of 10 years has been seeking massages with additional services for the last 4 years. I found emails which he admits he initiated but claims he did not go through with them. His has no reason as to why he did it when he feels there were no issues in our relationship. I am broken and totally confused. Plz can someone give me some advice.

[Cabrinha]

I'm glad to hear you're out of it!! 👍🎉

[Cabrinha]

isMise

Which is why we are so sure what poor Rosebud is in for

These arseholes just aren't particularly original.

[isMise]

Camb omg you are describing me, my life.

[Cabrinha]

Yep, four fecking years.
It just seemed too complicated to leave (my work doesn't fit well with childcare) and all that wanting a family for my child's sake, and just... well, it's hard work getting divorced and I was too busy

But I always knew it was when not if.
I stopped having sex with him and led separate lives.
My contempt for him just grew and grew.
Every small thing he did wrong, I wanted to scream "you're fucking prostitutes, do you think you could make up for that by at least not leaving skid marks in the loo, or occasionally taking the toddler when I have flu?"

Because that's the thing... I expected guilt from him. But he was never going to feel it, because he was - well, I don't know. Just selfish? Addicted? I'll never know why he thought it was OK to do it. You reach a point where you don't care, you really do. I don't need his grubby excuses in my head, frankly.

It wasn't an easy way to live and I can't tell you the relief when I ended it.

I'd had so many suspicions and no proof, so I never had a big sudden reveal. Perhaps if I had, I'd have left sooner.

I certainly didn't stay because I thought he was sorry or we could work it out. I stayed because it was too hard to go, I thought I could live my separate life... Until my child grew up? I couldn't. I was a walking ball of repressed fury!

I am so happy now.

[isMise]

I think it's a fair thing to try the counselling. We each have to get to a point where we know we have tried - and maybe succeed - or maybe exhaust the options and end up with a decision. I think counselling can be a brilliant thing but it depends on the counsellor and the ability of the individuals to talk. Rosebud you obviously would like a way to salvage your marriage and that's fair enough, if there is a way it can be done, I know I felt a duty to try and find that way. As cam says she was with her exh for four years after finding out. It's not written in stone how you must react or what you must do.

I am just worried for you because you are going to blow the lid some day. I did, 8 weeks after finding out and it was a nuclear explosion - I really lost it. Apparently I looked like someone had poured boiling oil on me I was screaming so badly. I can't imagine ever feeling like that again, losing myself in a reaction - I hope I never will. It was very delayed though. I even went to the GP afterwards, wondering if I was mad (I also lunged at him and tried to scrape him to death) however she said it was a normal reaction given the awful circumstances and delayed reactions are normal too.

It was an awful time and it overshadowed my pregnancy.

Hope you're doing ok.

[Cabrinha]

I really don't think you're going to get what you want from counselling.
At best he'll admit to a little more and parrot back to the counsellor "yes I can see now that it hurt her".

If he thinks you're actually going to leave him and he doesn't want to deal with that (and it won't be because he loves you, because if he loved you he wouldn't cheat on you with prostitutes) then he might muster up some crocodile tears to persuade you. Be warned - after that, any issue you have in future will be met with "we have to move on, I did counselling, I said I'm sorry, you can't keep punishing me, you're annoying me now". You know this is true.

Thing is, it's bloody obvious from your posts here that you're desperate to stay together, that you're willing to accept this shite. If it's obvious from words on a page, trust me it's obvious to him. I think the minute a woman says "counselling...?" a man knows he's home and dry, and is usually right. I really do suggest that any counselling takes place with him living away. Obviously doing 50/50 on childcare though!

You making him do counselling don't stop him hurting you again (well, if you find out) and it won't stop him doing it to other people.

My XH has never admitted to more than just looking, I booked but I never went through with it. He is doing it still, despite having a new GF. I told him I knew and to stop - told him I'd used an investigator (not quite true) and named two of the prostitutes (stage names) he'd booked in the last month. His text back? "I can assure you I haven't done anything". That's what they say when you NAME the women!

Your husband has no incentive to be honest with you. Why would he?

And if you're thinking "you can assume mine is like yours" please bear in mind that there really is a type, a script. You've already seen this in what we predicted so far - minimising and gradually admitting to a little bit more.

FFS, your particular arsehole even told you it wasn't cheating!!! You have no chance of discovering he's actually a decent chap really.

I'm sorry, I know this is horrid to hear and I'm being very blunt. But you have to understand the life you're agreeing to; you'll never know what happened, he won't feel guilty, and he will carry on doing it.

[Rosebud99]

Yes I know ur right but I just can't get passed the deceit n manipulation involved from such a 'simple guy' n suppose this is the grieving process for my relationship which wasn't even real which is also hard to take n always hoped to b a good role model for my kids

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

But Rosebud, what possible reason does he have to tell you the truth? This would require principle, self awareness, the ability to take responsibility and much more - none of which he's even trying to show. He won't tell the truth while you stay, and if you leave there's no point in telling it any more

Believe me I know the desperation to hear all of it - whatever "it" is - for once and all, but maybe you need to accept that with such a practiced liar it's simply not going to happen. Promises about the future are useless from such a man; you can only go on the actions he's chosen, and those have been to cheat and lie again and again over a huge amount of time

[Rosebud99]

Yes I'm angry but I just want honesty n the truth n talking abt the past fully before we move on, whatever way that mayb

[Rosebud99]

I just want him to admit th whole truth without saying he regrets it now. I want to know the details of what he did n how he didn't care abt us when he did all that n how he knew he was manipulating me when lying. I just want him to b fully honest now. Yes I'm not a fool in thinking he's never gonna do it again-he did it for all those years so why stop now? N I don't know what counselling is gonna do for us but as individuals it has to help us move on n for me to b stronger n for him not to hurt people like that

[Cabrinha]

I was rather hoping that my XH would break down and cry in counselling and say "I hate myself, I hate what I've done to you, I try to stop myself, promise myself every time will be the last, I leave their bed feeling guilty, low, dirty..."

I think I probably know where you're coming from. But if there was guilt in him, you'd have seen it already. There simply isn't.

You may be more successful than me in getting your arsehole husband to admit the lies - but you won't change how he feels.

[Cabrinha]

Why so you think that counselling is going to deliver that guilt and remorse?
"I am not going to let him" - you really don't have any choice, you can't MAKE him feel something.
Seriously, save yourself some heartache - neither you nor a counsellor can make him feel something that he doesn't.

[Rosebud99]

Yes I am not deluded that it was only a wank. I am not deluded that he felt overwhelming guilt when telling these lies but I do want acceptance on his part that he lied abt everything-it's clear to see that he is deluding himself n in his own way trying to minimise the situation n get out of it. Well I am not going to let him-I want his remorse n guilt to b sincere n not just cuz he got caught.

[Jan45]

I am just flabbergasted by his reaction to your hurt - you are wasting your time OP, in four years he only had a wank - yeah sure. Even if it was, what he has done is absolutely vile and he is trying to actually tell you it's no big deal, amazed you are even still talking to him, he'd be out on his arse by now if any did what he did and then had the audacity to keep lying about the extent of it.

Get rid, you cannot trust him, he's cheated on you for at least four years, probably longer.

[Cabrinha]

And YY to not getting answer. Mine always maintained the "just looking" crap, but couldn't even come up with an answer why for looking

Rosebud, I hope the counselling helps you (not your marriage, but you) but I would warn you not to get your hopes up that it'll give you answers.

I'd love to be a fly on the wall when he tells the counsellor that he's annoyed with you because a hand job doesn't matter!

Sadly, counsellors stay neutral though. Best mine managed was "well can you see why she thinks you have done more than look - given the things she has seen, such as your letter from the police for kerb crawling?"

Sadly, counsellor won't call him a grubby deluded lying little shit.

[Cabrinha]

Ha, literally pounds. 😡

[isMise]

Rosebud

What an arse.

Cam is right. We went for counselling too. Rather than him seeing that as a chance to figure something out and find a way through it, he saw it as the punishment he had to suck up. He hated it but he went and he never opened up.

I'll never understand why he did it because my charming man was incapable of answering that question to himself.

He's lying because he knows a shitstorm will kick off if/when more information comes to lighthouse.

I really would doubt a man would go for a wank but never ask for a blowjob. I mean, why not? Why wouldn't he? In for a penny in for a pound.

[Cabrinha]

Good luck Rosebud.
I am astounded that he's not even pretending to be sorry!
He's lying about what he did.

1. Because they always lie and minimise
   
2. Because who really would go to prostitutes for 4 years and never over step this personal boundary of his that a wank is OK
   
3. Because a man who thinks it is perfectly OK to go and get wanks when he is married is hardly likely to care about the betrayal of sex too
   
4. Because he showed you from the off that he's a liar, because you refused to believe his utter bullshit that he spent 4 years booking and not going
   

None of this is your fault.
In a way, I'm glad for you that he's so blatantly unapologetic and annoyed - at least you can see him for what he is.
At the moment he thinks he's got away with it. Because women book counselling because they want an excuse to stay. It's like we justify accepting the shit to ourselves by saying "oh I didn't accept it, we had counselling"
(no offence, I did it myself)
If he later thinks you're leaving him, you may get the crocodile tears and the fake realisation he was wrong.

Just keep in mind the real him - the one who cheated on you for 4 years that you know about, lied to you - and then got annoyed with YOU. Nice.

[Kr1stina]

He didn't cheat on your because there was anything wrong with your relationship

He cheated on your because of his very large sense of entitlement . He believes that it's ok to lie and cheat to you and to abuse prostitued women .

It's not your fault that he believes this and acts upon his beliefs . I'd be very suprised if his counsellor challenges his belief system and that he accepts that he was wrong and works hard to change .

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

He says he gets annoyed cuz he didn't do anything other than HR

Except that it's 99.99% certain he's lying - not that you'd ever be able to prove it of course

I wish you all the very best with the counselling, but isn't it said that it will be difficult if he's not prepared to tell the truth there either?

[Rosebud99]

He says he gets annoyed cuz he didn't do anything other than HR - i don't care. A betrayal is a betrayal. He's going for counselling in next few days and we have couples counselling at the end of the week. I need to find out where this all went wrong - when i thought everything was perfect, he obviously didn't and i want to know why. Not for the sake of us but for me and my kids. Its a bloody mess.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

He was clearly annoyed n thought we were getting better?!

If you needed proof that he'll simply never get it, there it is

Although that said, he's been getting away with this for years without any consequences; perhaps his contempt and lies come from a belief that there really aren't going to be any?

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Families, not filies. Of course. #badphone

[PreemptiveSalvageEngineer]

Didn't I predict he'd soon be at the "I said I'm sorry, what more do ya want?!?" stage soon. Then again, he has exceededy expectations with his swiftness.

This is Cheating Script 101. He doesn't have an ounce of remorse. On the contrary, he's taking heart in the fact that you're still playing happy filies. He has not had to suffer consequences. Your "nagging" him he can swat away until you see sense and back off.

So, what are you going to do?

[Cabrinha]

I would have said "excuse me but why the fuck do you think you get to be annoyed?"