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Original poster

Why would a woman contact my partner on Facebook after they parted 30 years ago and destroy our relationship?

100 replies

SWD75 · 12/02/2016 18:44

Hi, I'm new to mumsnet and this.

Sorry this is a long post!

My partner of 20 years recently left me after being contacted by an ex-girlfriend from 30 years ago on Facebook. I am as you can imagine devastated.
My question to you all is why would a woman do such a cruel thing to another woman, this person divorced three years ago and made contact with my partner before Xmas, they talk all the time on the phone but have only met up twice, or so he says. She can see from his profile page that he is in a relationship, I'm in his profile picture, she could also see that we have a 17 year old daughter.
He is totally besotted with her and feels they were always meant to be together, she apparently doesn't want him to leave me if the reason is her!
I've never met this woman, she has three kids by the way, but she feels it is totally acceptable to just come in and destroy my life, what have I done to deserve this?
Our relationship has had its ups and downs, plus we've had a really tough three years, I had issues at work, an employment tribunal etc. Which I won but we still have great sex and he says he loves me but that he feels he wants to gamble on her.
Would love to hear what anyone thinks about this or if anyone has experience the same. A part of me would love to contact her and tell her to back off, but I think that he would hate me for that. He still hasn't made up his mind who he wants to be with.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2016 18:46

The problem here is your husband. Not her. Don't compete for him, he is no prize.

TealLove · 12/02/2016 18:46

I'm sorry but he is a bastard

Gazelda · 12/02/2016 18:47

she isn't your problem. He is. You must be devastated, but try not to hang around waiting for him to make up his mind. Decide what you want.

babyconverse · 12/02/2016 18:47

It's not her you should be angry with. It's him.

gleekster · 12/02/2016 18:49

You need to gather up your self esteem and stop focusing on her - it isn't her who was in a relationship with you.

It is him who has cheated on you, broken promises, lied and deceived you.

Are you really going to do the "pick me dance" giving him more/better sex until he decides which one of you is going to be the "lucky one?"

Yuck!

magoria · 12/02/2016 18:51

He hasn't made up his mind?

Of course he has.

He has told you he is besotted with her and feels they were always meant to be together and has left you for her.

He destroyed your relationship. He has left you for an old fantasy he has only had contact with for what 4 months?

He is just keeping you in the background knowing you love him in case they don't work out.

Do yourself a favour and take that choice away from him.

You deserve better.

stumblymonkey · 12/02/2016 18:52

The thing is...you can call her and tell her to back off...but do you really want him?

I understand that you love him and have a child together but he has behaved in an absolutely obscene way. He has showed no respect for you or the family you've built together.

I know it must hurt but I believe in six months time you would be much better off having maintained your dignity, sent him packing and (very importantly) got yourself some counselling to put yourself in a good position to move forward with you life than to play the 'pick me dance' to this creep of a man who clearly doesn't deserve you....

LillyInTheMoon · 12/02/2016 18:53

She really isn't the problem. If he was a decent person he would have ignored her message, but he didn't. He chose to respond and then build up a relationship with her. He created this situation, not her.

I'm sorry your husband is a dick. Don't do the pick me dance, you're worth so much more than someone who would put you through this

ByThePrickingOfMyThumbs · 12/02/2016 18:55

She hasn't destroyed your marriage - your husband has.

I can understand why it's easier to focus on her and paint her as a conniving home wrecker. But your husband is the real problem here and has done far worse than her.

Find your self respect and refuse to engage in this 'pick me' dance. Do you really want him back after this?

MsMims · 12/02/2016 18:55

He still hasn't made up his mind about who he wants to be with? What?!

Make the decision for him and tell him to shove off. He is treating you with contempt.

AyeAmarok · 12/02/2016 19:04

A FB message from even the most amazing woman in the world does not cause a man who is committed to his relationship to leave.

The problem is squarely with him. Not her.

Sorry you've wasted so much time on a man like that OP Flowers

ivykaty44 · 12/02/2016 19:06

I'm sorry that this has happened to you, but I think your dp has destroyed your marriage not this other person.

Millliii · 12/02/2016 19:08

He will go off into the sunset thinking she is his everything then come down to earth with a big bang when he finds out she is nothing like the woman in his dreams.

Mid life crises!

MissFlight · 12/02/2016 19:08

It takes two to tango, your h is a weak twat. Don't put up with it, tell him to leave.

DickDewy · 12/02/2016 19:09

He 'hasn't made up his mind'?

Well, he clearly has. He may well change his mind back again after a few months with her when he realises that it was just an infatuation, I sincerely hope you will have moved on by then.

And, as others have said, the problem is not with this other woman who has contacted him. The problem is with your husband.

Throw him out with your dignity intact.

gobbynorthernbird · 12/02/2016 19:16

He has made up his mind. But she doesn't want him. Kick him out, you won't regret it in the long run.

ricketytickety · 12/02/2016 19:18

She doesn't want him because he's a lying cheat. He's your problem. He wants you to do the pick me dance and has set you up in competition with her.

MoominPie22 · 12/02/2016 19:26

Jesus Christ!Shock it's as if your whole marriage has bn a sham cos he's always loved her rather than u. It's like he's bn waitin all these yrs for her! Well they sound like they deserve eachother.
You should pack his gear, sling it out the door and start divorce proceedings. Honestly, why would u wanna fight for this sackless wonder?! The guy is a disrespectful wanker!Angry
As others have said, it's him u should b livid with. He was hardly very commited to u was he, if this is his true colours?? Seriously....yeah she's a prize bitch for chasing a married man too obv but he's the one that's betrayed u and thrown 20yrs of marriage bk in your face.
It's highly likely this relationship won't last 5mins btw, but don't take him bk when he comes snivelling and grovelling....It's pathetic and predictable.
If he's willing to "gamble on her" then he can fuckin well face the music when it all goes tits up, cos you'll b there saying "told u so, u fucking loser!" I hope.Smile
Wash your hands of him and I'm very confident u will have the last laugh.
Your poor daughter tho....He's a selfish bloody moron and I wouldn't wanna piss on him if he was on fire!Angry

tingon · 12/02/2016 19:27

I take it you're not married, why's that?

Scornedwoman67 · 12/02/2016 19:59

tingon what's relevant about whether or not they are married?

MissFlight · 12/02/2016 20:04

What has being married got to do with it? I've been with DP for a long time and not married Confused

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 12/02/2016 20:06

So he's left you... But he still hasn't made up his mind? Confused

Ok well that sounds like he's having a try with her, before he decides which of you is the lucky winner.

It's a shame for him that you've taken the choice away from him, right?

iwantanewcar · 12/02/2016 20:26

Gosh thought this thread was about me for a minute. I have recently contacted an old flame from 30 years ago. Our paths crossed and I decided to make contact. We have been slowly catching up on our lives to date and mutual friends and acquaintances. However the difference is - he is happily married for the 2nd time and although I am single I have no romantic interest in someone else's husband. Good boundaries are in place.

You asked why someone would make contact. It was a great part of my life, not just the relationship but the whole situation, the common interest, the friendship group. I don't think we will ever meet up but it has been lovely reminiscing. I am so pleased to find out that he has had a good and interesting life. He is very well known in his field and he deserved that success. It is probably good closure.

museumum · 12/02/2016 20:32

If I felt like saying hi on FB to an ex bf from 30yrs ago I would not For one second expect him to become "besotted" and ruin his marriage.
Genuinely I might say hi to an ex from school or uni but it would just be a walk down memory lane.

Whatever has happened since she made contact is down to your dh (or even just in his head it sounds like!)

Lweji · 12/02/2016 20:36

30 years is a very long time!

But even if she had every intention of getting back together with him, he was the one who left.

And btw, tell him to fuck off with his not knowing who he wants to be with. Choose for him, don't fight for him. He doesn't deserve you if he doesn't know by now if he wants to be with you.