Why would a woman contact my partner on Facebook after they parted 30 years ago and destroy our relationship?

[SWD75]

Hi, I'm new to mumsnet and this.

Sorry this is a long post!

My partner of 20 years recently left me after being contacted by an ex-girlfriend from 30 years ago on Facebook. I am as you can imagine devastated.
My question to you all is why would a woman do such a cruel thing to another woman, this person divorced three years ago and made contact with my partner before Xmas, they talk all the time on the phone but have only met up twice, or so he says. She can see from his profile page that he is in a relationship, I'm in his profile picture, she could also see that we have a 17 year old daughter.
He is totally besotted with her and feels they were always meant to be together, she apparently doesn't want him to leave me if the reason is her!
I've never met this woman, she has three kids by the way, but she feels it is totally acceptable to just come in and destroy my life, what have I done to deserve this?
Our relationship has had its ups and downs, plus we've had a really tough three years, I had issues at work, an employment tribunal etc. Which I won but we still have great sex and he says he loves me but that he feels he wants to gamble on her.
Would love to hear what anyone thinks about this or if anyone has experience the same. A part of me would love to contact her and tell her to back off, but I think that he would hate me for that. He still hasn't made up his mind who he wants to be with.

You BF is scummy and the replies are rightly around his behaviour. To answer the who comes sniffing round an ex when they know they have a partner question. My take is its someone desperate and someone who has a distinct lack of morals.

Facebook is apparently cited in quite a few divorce cases these days. I do think that people hanker for a time when they were younger as well. I'm not on FB, personally I would love a certain ex to get in touch so I could tell him to F off all over again.

I am very sorry this has happened to you.

No it is not your fault so stop with that negative thinking as of right now. The fault here lies with others; his boundaries were not strong enough and nor were this woman's. I would also think that if you had not married after 20 years of being together then it was not going to happen anyway. He did not love you enough to make that particular level of commitment to you.

Make the decision for him and tell him that it is well and truly over between the two of you. Do not do the "pick me" dance!.

How is your DD doing?. Her emotional welfare now is of paramount importance, this could well affect her whole attitude when it comes to men and she is blameless too.

As you are not married your financial and legal position is very poor indeed. What is the situation re the property and finances?.

My question to you all is why would a woman do such a cruel thing to another woman

Why would a woman blame another woman for the behaviour of men?

I wouldnt be surprised if this has been going on for a while.

This is absolutely not your fault. Even if your relationship was going to be over due to other issues, going off with someone else is still inexcusable. Whatever was going wrong in your relationship he should have been dealing with that first before looking to someone else.

She has made it clear that she doesn't want him to leave you, which makes me think that her original contact was perfectly innocent, a case of looking up old flames/mates (of both sexes?) and contacting to say'hi'. I've contacted old schoolmates in this way, and have Facebook friendships with them.

However, your dh seems to have taken it further and in a short space of time, turned it into an EA. he is probably flattered that she has contacted him, and has projected it into something a lot bigger. I maybe wrong, but she probably didn't intend to cross any boundaries, but he certainly has.

It sounds like I'm defending the ow. I'm not meaning to. It sounds like an innocent 'how are you' as developed into something more, resulting in dh's besotted feelings.

He loves you but wants to "gamble" on her.

Listen, you are far better off without him. I hope she bins him too and he ends up with no one

Our daughter knows the whole truth, he told her everything. She is very upset and as everyone is saying sees that I am in effect second best.
I had a very acrimonious divorce before and in truth I didn't want to remarry, didn't want to go through that again. He is also divorced although different circumstances, they never loved one another and the split was mutual.
We jointly own the house but the equity I will get wont be enough to buy another home and due to my employment situation I will have to use my equity to pay rent on a property.
The only light at the end of the tunnel is if I win my case at appeal I could be looking at a considerable payout, I was discriminated against by my employer on the grounds of gender, bullied, harassed, victimised, unjustafiably disciplined and dismissed.

I think that you may be right, I do wonder if he is reading more in to her words than she means, sometimes when we want to hear something we misinterpret what is being said.
In truth if it was innocent on her part and she really doesn't want him to leave me I wish she would do the decent thing, if they really are not in a sexual relationship as he says, then she should walk away for my daughter more than anything.
I would really like to hear the truth from her so I can at least make an informed decision.

You must disaggregate your work issue from what is happening at home. The two are separate and you are looking for excuses to give him for his behaviour.

I'm afraid this all sits squarely with him and he is TELLING you what he is like. Believe him. He will fuck you up and drag you through hell. It is not easy but it is for you now to say thank you but no thank you, off you trot sunshine. You will look back on this in a year and thank God that woman contacted him and gave him the impetus he needed to get the hell out of your life.

How about he does the decent thing instead?

You have to stop fixating on her - he's the jerk here

Well, you have a choice too. He doesn't get to call the shots.

don't discuss your future plans with him, concentrate on your case and certainly ensure any money isn't in a joint account.

I should think the ow was just saying hello to an old flame, and wasn't expecting these changes- however it's him that you should be cross with- he should push off really and conduct his romance elsewhere.

And don't sleep with him or do anything for him. Or listen to him go on about her at all.

I have contacted a few of my exes on FB. They're all in LTRs, as am I. It's just a few lines of catch up and 'your kids look lovely' and then the occasional like on funny or interesting posts. I'm certainly not 'sniffing around' anybody, I'm not looking for any kind of affair in real life or online.

People can interact without sex occurring, or even being a subtext.

OP what's the current position? Are you still living with this guy?

My husband had an affair via Facebook with an old friend. I can not understand how any woman can look at a photo of a man with two very young children and contact him. It's appalling.

Yes of course your husband is in the wrong for leaving and going with this woman. It always amazes me how despicable other women can be to contact husbands/family men of other women. Even if I was totally desperately in love with an ex who is on Facebook, if he was married I would never contact him. The past is past. So many people have had affairs after getting back in touch on Facebook.
Our marriage before my husbands affair was a typical marriage. We had two young children at time & we both had busy jobs etc. We weren't on the rocks or anything like that, just worn out. I think he was flattered by her attention.
I am still with my husband - it has taken years to build up any trust in him and I still have huge insecurity issues. We went on to have another baby (a delightful surprise) and this has really helped our marriage - not recommending it for everyone though! The other woman divorced her husband and left the two young boys she has and has moved on to destroy anther marriage.

You have to do what is right for you. Nobody should try to persuade you what to do. Every situation is different, only you know what is right for you. I wish you all the very best.

This is nothing to do with her, its all about your partner.

I am however still angry with this woman, you just don't flick through your list of ex-boyfriends and think 'oh maybe he might want to pick up with me again', I've been contacted recently by an ex and I haven't responded to him.

I wanted to highlight this part of one of your posts. Read it again. Especially this part:

I've been contacted recently by an ex and I haven't responded to him.

So an ex of yours did the exact same thing. He messaged you, it caused no trauma to your relationship. Why? Because you didn't pursue it. You ignored it. Which is exactly what your DH should have done, except he was interested in her so he made the decision to explore this interest that he had. Which is inappropriate in a relationship. He should have had better boundaries.

This is all him.

In truth if it was innocent on her part and she really doesn't want him to leave me I wish she would do the decent thing, if they really are not in a sexual relationship as he says, then she should walk away for my daughter more than anything.

Don't expect a woman you have nothing to do with to apply standards and boundaries to your relationship that you wouldn't expect your PARTNER to abide by. He is the one who should be looking out for your daughter. Not her.

You are putting the responsibility in the wrong place and letting him off the hook as a poor little weak man that got lured away by an evil woman, rather than seeing that he made a choice, at every stage along the way, to do this, because he wanted to. Him, not her.

Member, I'm sorry to hear that you've been through the pain of betrayal at the hands of your husband. But your relationship happiness seems to rest on other womens refusal to contact him?

If any of my DP's exes contacted him it would be a non event. If I truly thought that the only reason he was with me was because his exes were kind enough to leave him alone I'd consider my relationship dead in the water.

I think your dp is probably trying to relive his youth as it were and this will probably be a six month fling and he will come crawling back after realising he has made the biggest mistake of his life and acted like a hormonal teenager.

If I was you I'd tell him to fuck off and slam the door in his face!

I have been contacted by loads of men (ooh get me) and so has dp. I've accepted some of them. So has he.

Some men I've contacted. I'd also say that if I saw an ex with a photo of their family on FB I'd be more likely to contact them, because I'd think "oh, they won't get the wrong idea, because they'll know that I know that they are in a relationship"

As MZ says, it's a non-event.

Being contacted on FB by an ex does not automatically mean your dick has to fall into their vagina.

It sounds to me like he's made an utter arse of himself and she will be running for the hills and accusing him of being a mentalist stalker anytime soon. Bet she wishes she'd never bothered seeing as he's now turned into some sadsack who thinks he's still 21.

I'd play his game, if I were you. Get the spreadsheet out, tell him you need to sort the finances out, start packing his pants and ask him when he's going.

Then watch the fucker weep.

You'd hope that after 30 years of being apart from her and a long and apparently happy marriage with you, his ex wouldn't phase him in the slightest and his love and respect for you would override any feelings of interest in his Ex.
Unfortunately it doesn't, OP of it wasn't her it would've been someone else, it's your husband that is the issue.
Try and realise your own worth and ask him to leave.
You deserve better and you know that really. You'll feel better in the long run if you take control of the situation here.

What thenlater said!

Thank you for that, I know what everyone is saying is probably true, as it stands now I feel it is something we could come back from. We're both 51, and were just at a stage in our lives when we could concentrate on ourselves, he has two kids from his marriage, we've never had a time when it was just us. I was so looking forward to that future with him, finally being able to do things together without the responsibility of three kids, I simply can't believe that I'm at this stage in my life and looking at having to start all over again. There has never been any infidelity in our time together, I think this is an EA and maybe stupidly retrievable.

It may be retrievable but do you really want to continue with a man who had his head so easily turned by another woman and put you as second best?

Why on earth would you want to? I'm not being snarky, but I really don't understand why you'd stay with him?

You have more chance of it being retrievable if you give him his marching orders and show him what a bloody amazing woman he will lose.

Bend over backwards to try and keep him will more than likely lead him to feeling you are pathetic and that he can (if he stays) treat you like shit when ever he wants and you will take it.

He has already left you.

Even if you don't want him to go try faking it. He needs a wake up call.

Hopefully by the time he realised this you will also have realised you deserve better and have moved on.

Even if she walked away, you'd know he'd leave as soon as she looked in his direction. To be honest, he's behaviour shows he thinks so little of you that he'd leave if anyone looked in his direction.

You can't avoid the pain here, you can just push it back to deal with it later, when it will hurt more and you regret wasting more time on him.