Why would a woman contact my partner on Facebook after they parted 30 years ago and destroy our relationship?

[SWD75]

Hi, I'm new to mumsnet and this.

Sorry this is a long post!

My partner of 20 years recently left me after being contacted by an ex-girlfriend from 30 years ago on Facebook. I am as you can imagine devastated.
My question to you all is why would a woman do such a cruel thing to another woman, this person divorced three years ago and made contact with my partner before Xmas, they talk all the time on the phone but have only met up twice, or so he says. She can see from his profile page that he is in a relationship, I'm in his profile picture, she could also see that we have a 17 year old daughter.
He is totally besotted with her and feels they were always meant to be together, she apparently doesn't want him to leave me if the reason is her!
I've never met this woman, she has three kids by the way, but she feels it is totally acceptable to just come in and destroy my life, what have I done to deserve this?
Our relationship has had its ups and downs, plus we've had a really tough three years, I had issues at work, an employment tribunal etc. Which I won but we still have great sex and he says he loves me but that he feels he wants to gamble on her.
Would love to hear what anyone thinks about this or if anyone has experience the same. A part of me would love to contact her and tell her to back off, but I think that he would hate me for that. He still hasn't made up his mind who he wants to be with.

I guess the reason I won't tell him to leave is that lets him off the hook, he probably wants me to do that so he can tell her he didn't leave me I kicked him out. He is a weak man as so many of you are saying, this decision is for him to make and who knows when he finally makes up his mind, if it's me he chooses, by that stage I may well send him packing.

I had a very acrimonious divorce before and in truth I didn't want to remarry, didn't want to go through that again.

In honesty, is this any less painful than a divorce? I guess with hindsight marriage would've offered more protection for you.

You said he has already made the decision and left you.

His 'still loving you but being unsure' is waffle bullshit so you will hang around in case his new thing goes tips up.

You are doing just what he wants hanging on in the background waiting.

It is understandable after 20 years though.

You deserve better

I also want to add I am sorry but I think people only tend to tell their generally black and white teenagers when they are pretty certain of what they want.

He has just fluffed it out for her too rather than be seen as the total bastard who has 'dumped your mum for a 4 month thing'.

Who cares who looks like the bad guy and if he's off the hook?

Packing his stuff or telling him to go packing is the only satisfying outcome here. Not seeing him walking away.
Take control back.

Agree with magoria. So what would be your limit OP? If he went ahead and slept with her? If he told you he loved her?

I understand your reluctance to throw away 20yrs of togetherness ( obv he would be the one chucking it away mind ) but it sounds like he´s just hedging his bets. Having one foot in each camp. He´s gonna keep you dangling with ¨I love yous¨ and other bullshit, just so that you are always there in the background, waiting. But does he really expect you to be a mug and just wait and see if this other woman accepts him with open arms then he turns round and says ¨ It´s OK, you can go now¨!

Do you want to play 2nd fiddle to her? It´s like being relegated to the substitute bench FFS!

By his actions he´s telling you ( therefore contradicting the BS he´s saying to your face ) that he in fact does not love and respect you. That your relationship has ran it´s course and that he wants to start a new chapter in his life with this woman. God knows what he´s been telling her!

That´s what I glean from what you´re disclosing in your posts anyways. And NONE of this is your fault. It sounds like you´ve been going through a horrendously stressful time with work and the tribunal. Has he been supporting you throughout? I would be livid that he´s doing this to you just when you need him most!

BUt I can´t believe you are that needy that you would just happily live with him until he makes up his mind who he wants to commit to! Just the fact that he´s doing this shows that his loyalties don´t lie with you anymore. Actions speak louder than words.

Btw, did you find out about it and confronted him, or did he tell you first?

Yes, he has been supporting me through the tribunal, I can't fault him for that.
I suspected that there was someone else involved, it was a gut feeling so to speak. He denied it of course when I raised it some six weeks ago. Eventually he told me on Monday, he moved out the previous Monday, or rather I told him to move out then, he had been saying he just needed some time apart, and didn't know if he wanted to be with me. I got feed up of his indecision and told him to go clear his head. But I'm not making the ultimate decision for him, he must do that himself.

I think you are right to be angry with the OM SWD75

I cannot believe some of the other posters saying it is totally your NLDH's fault. Bollocks! The OM does not come to this thread with clean hands and if it seems to have escaped the attention of many that clearly she is waiting in the wings. She is playing a big part.

For all we know he may have created the whole thing in his head or pursued her after contact.
So, don't judge her.
In any case she is irrelevant to the OP and not the one who has walked out on 20 years of relationship.

Bollocks again. She is waiting in the wings. Her behaviour is independent of his.

Unless you want everyone else to start saying all your opinions are bollocks and other such, then please give your opinion without making such rude comments about other people's views.
Not that most pps here want to steep that low.

I'll take the OP's comments at face value.
Thank you.

Do you really think the OW is totally innocent here?

I've already said what I think about that woman in this story.

He feels he wants to ''gamble'' on her? Jeopardise his real life for a mere gamble?

Wow. How happy can he really be if he would throw away what he has on something he knows is a gamble. Or maybe he doesn't feel it's a gamble because he believes he'd have another chance with his old life.

Dear OP, fair enough if you don't want to make it easy for him by making the decision for him.. Please don't have sex with him, cook for him, do his washing or even let him think that you will be dutifully waiting for him when his fantasy doesn't play out. You are his comfort zone, not much of a risk if he knows you are there happy to be second best.

We only have the OP's (hopefully) stbx's version in any case, which so far, is so The Script.

There is actually no "OW" is there? There is a woman, who contacted someone on FB. That someone then lost his head completely over her, and decided his current relationship was worth shit, and started pursuing this woman, who, according to the OP, has actually told him to do one.

Saying he must make the decision himself is understandable, but playing into his hands. Poor diddums, his ex paramour won't have him, so what's the predicting he'll come back all lovey-dovey hearts and flowers telling you about his mid-life crisis and the terrible mistake he made, how he loves you really truly and forever.....and it will all be simply because FB woman doesn't want him. Harsh, OP, but it won't be because he wants you, but because she doesn't want him.

Is that what you're prepared to put up with? And knowing you'll constantly be on tenterhooks for the next time? Constantly panicking if he so much looks at his phone? Logs into FB? Surely better to be alone and with some modicum of dignity left than living a half-life of doubts and being crawlingly grateful for every time he doesn't look at his FB account.

I so accept that as it stands he's having his cake and eating it, he's not living here so I'm not doing his washing, cooking for him etc. I hear what everyone is saying bar one or two, currently I'm second best and that is harsh. This is all still so raw and I guess I need time to think things through.

My daughter just wants her dad to come home, her world is being torn about, she's worried about losing her family home, we've always lived here, she worries about the dogs, our financial situation and me.

It's a lot to deal with and I'm still very much in shock, my mind is working overtime trying to comprehend what is happening, I need to get my head together before I can make rationale decisions.

I'm FB friends with several ex boyfriends from as far back as my very first 'true love' (of 4 months!) from 26 years ago.

On first 'friending' each other (with all of them), there was a few messages to catch up with each other's lives then just normal occasional contact from there.

There is absolutely no subtext or anything odd or weird about contacting an ex at all, so I wouldn't necessarily label her as a determined home wrecker just on that basis.

Your partner is wholly to blame for his actions. She has already said "don't leave your wife for me" and should now back right off from it all imo, but the real problem is your partner.

My daughter just wants her dad to come home

Of course she does. But he's your partner. Do you think it's a good example for her life to tell her it's acceptable to leave for a man to decide to leave and come back as he pleases with no consideration for his partner's feelings?
I'd be having a very frank discussion with her about relationships.

I could imagine taking him back, eventually, but certainly not with open arms and it would require starting over again. From the start. He'd have to show he's in for the long run.
And it would be the very last time I'd put up with any of this behaviour.

SWD, sorry I misread earlier.

It's perfectly normal for your daughter to feel that way.

If it were me I would be pulling the rug out from under him and I definitely would have him believe that I wouldn't be waiting for him to return.

So sorry you are going through this, it's horrible.

What I question is that his first marriage folded bcs 'they never loved each other'. Really? I wonder what she says about that.

Sorry for intrusive question - but did you and she overlap? Or, looking back, can you see a similar pattern to his current pattern?