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Original poster

Why would a woman contact my partner on Facebook after they parted 30 years ago and destroy our relationship?

100 replies

SWD75 · 12/02/2016 18:44

Hi, I'm new to mumsnet and this.

Sorry this is a long post!

My partner of 20 years recently left me after being contacted by an ex-girlfriend from 30 years ago on Facebook. I am as you can imagine devastated.
My question to you all is why would a woman do such a cruel thing to another woman, this person divorced three years ago and made contact with my partner before Xmas, they talk all the time on the phone but have only met up twice, or so he says. She can see from his profile page that he is in a relationship, I'm in his profile picture, she could also see that we have a 17 year old daughter.
He is totally besotted with her and feels they were always meant to be together, she apparently doesn't want him to leave me if the reason is her!
I've never met this woman, she has three kids by the way, but she feels it is totally acceptable to just come in and destroy my life, what have I done to deserve this?
Our relationship has had its ups and downs, plus we've had a really tough three years, I had issues at work, an employment tribunal etc. Which I won but we still have great sex and he says he loves me but that he feels he wants to gamble on her.
Would love to hear what anyone thinks about this or if anyone has experience the same. A part of me would love to contact her and tell her to back off, but I think that he would hate me for that. He still hasn't made up his mind who he wants to be with.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 12/02/2016 20:40

It's him you need to focus your anger on. He could have ignored her but he didn't.

museumum · 12/02/2016 20:47

She doesn't even want him to leave you for her!!!

This is all him.

springydaffs · 12/02/2016 22:01

It is relevant if you're not married. It leaves you financially vulnerable. Unless you're the bigger earner - in which case you can flick the v and go off with all your dosh. I sincerely hope you're in the latter position.

What a complete shit he is to do this to you. He hasn't decided who he wants? He can fuck right off with that.

tallwivglasses · 12/02/2016 22:20

Stop having sex with him or doing anything for him. Tell him to fuck off. It'll last 5 minutes, I'd put money on it. You've had ups and downs? Focus on the downs, I bet they were shit. Start living your own life. What a deluded saddo he is.

springydaffs · 12/02/2016 22:34

Baggage reclaim site is recommended a lot on here for ppl in your position.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 13/02/2016 06:54

What happened was a newly single and lonely woman felt a natural desire to reignite her life. She might not have had many avenues in rl, so she contacted her past on fb. It's not great but sometimes people do odd things in those situations. It's a readjustment to a new normal.

What your partner should have done is replied in a friendly way (no reason not to) and then made it clear he was in a relationship and shut down any hints of anything else. Her boudaries were not the threat to your relationship, his were.

He is the problem. Not her.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 13/02/2016 06:59

And what? He thinks he's in theposition of choosing. No, no, no! He's made his choice. What he's doing is keeping his options open in case she dumps him and he ends up with nothing. He's looking after his own interests.

Katenka · 13/02/2016 07:03

As pps have said, he is the problem.

Her actions and what she wants shouldn't matter. He decided to pursue her. He could have just remained friendly or cut contact when it looked like it was becoming inappropriate.

He has made up his mind. He wants to be with her, he is taking his time because he isn't convinced it will last. But is quite happy torture you until she relents and welcomes him with open arms.

He is a tosser. Don't worry about her. Personally if I were you, I would make the decision for him and tell him it's over.

Costacoffeeplease · 13/02/2016 07:09

He hasn't made up his mind? Fuck's sake, why on earth are you putting up with that? Tell him to bugger off, have a bit of self respect and set the ground rules - don't wait to be pathetically grateful to be the 'chosen' one - or the one that's left after she's binned him

RidersOnTheStorm · 13/02/2016 07:14

An acquaintance of ours did exactly this a year or so ago. Her justification was that he was hers first. Neither of them gave a damn about the devastated wife and DCs.

Morgani97 · 13/02/2016 07:15

Take a gamble on her,who made him god of relationships. Wipe your hands of him YOU deserve better x x

lighteningirl · 13/02/2016 07:18

Another one that thinks he's the problem Kelly Brook could have a sudden unexplained leap in IQ and access to Madonna's bank account and contact from her wouldn't make my dh think of leaving. He's the problem I would contact her myself and ask her to come down and pick up his stuff she's welcome to all the crap not just the fun stuff. And start preparing for a financial split and sadly not being married does matter if you haven't protected yourself financially so get a lawyer asap

Findingthisdifficult1234 · 13/02/2016 07:25

They both sound like a couple of selfish pricks to be honest. I hope everything works out for you OP. Your worth more than this.

Aussiemum78 · 13/02/2016 07:32

Taking half the house and waving good bye is the quickest way to deflate this fantasy.

It's like he has forgotten there was a reason they broke up 30 years ago! He will remember... In about 6 months time. Don't let him come back.

Pseudo341 · 13/02/2016 07:35

A third party can't destroy your relationship unless your relationship is already in tatters anyway. Personally I just don't understand why anyone would pursue someone who was already in a relationship. If you're successful all you've done is prove that the person you were after is an untrustworthy twat so why on earth would you want them?

It's perfectly understandable to be angry with her, she shouldn't have been making romantic overtures to a man who was already in a relationship. However, as everyone else has said, he's the problem here.

Your DP has made it very clear that you are not his first choice. For goodness sake don't stick around and hope you'll be second choice. Even if this one doesn't work out, once he knows he can get away with it there'll be others. He has no respect for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

londonrach · 13/02/2016 07:53

Op ecco what everyone says its him who destroyed your relationship not her. Hope you ok but hes not worth it. Pack his stuff up.

SevenOfNineTrue · 13/02/2016 07:58

I'd stop pointing you anger at her, and start pointing it where it should be directed, at your partner.

Pidapie · 13/02/2016 08:12

You must be devastated :( It's one thing talking to an ex (I talk to one of mine most days, but there's no affection involved other than friendship), but this sounds completely inappropriate. I think they're both in the wrong, but mainly your other half, because he's the one who now is "choosing". I would choose to leave after something like this if I'm brutally honest. Or kick him out. There's no coming back from this. Sorry this is happening to you Flowers

TheNaze73 · 13/02/2016 08:15

Woman seem to be very competitive by nature around men & really are their own worst enemies, most of the time however, the ow is not the issue, it's him. Why are you letting him treat you like that? Get rid

Lj8893 · 13/02/2016 08:16

I'm just going to echo what everybody else has said. How dare he make you wait to see who he has chosen!! Make his decision for him and kick him out, you deserve so much better. What a prick.

Original poster
SWD75 · 13/02/2016 08:22

I know what everyone is saying about him is true, we were going to get married but with everything that I was going through I wanted to wait until it was a happier period in our lives. I am however still angry with this woman, you just don't flick through your list of ex-boyfriends and think 'oh maybe he might want to pick up with me again', I've been contacted recently by an ex and I haven't responded to him.
The worst thing is that I know that it has been my fault, I pushed this man away with my behaviour, I just wish that I could turn back the clock. I've learnt a very hard lesson.
I am believe it or not a very strong person but I've now lost everything as a consequence of what happened at work, this has been such a shock to me coming as it has out of the blue not sure I can just move on.

OP posts:
TaliZorahVasNormandy · 13/02/2016 08:24

My ex did this, she come sniffing around and he was all for it. Eventually he left to be with her, only she was still married and decided to stay with her husband. He tried to get me back but I told him no.

He's a twat and dont miss him. Life is far too short to accept being second best.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 13/02/2016 08:26

Its not your fault. He chose to respond and why because he wanted someone to stroke his ego, because he's a cunt and couldnt be happy with what he had.

Pick yourself up and tell him, "I am no longer an option"

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 13/02/2016 08:29

It's not your fault. He had a choice to support you and remain faithful or to resent you and have an affair. His choice.

pippistrelle · 13/02/2016 08:30

Yes, what everybody else said. Just as an aside, does your daughter know what her father is up to? Her sense of betrayal will be acute as well. He really is a weak, selfish prat, and I'm very sorry that he seems to think it acceptable to give your lives the soap opera treatment.

Woman seem to be very competitive by nature around men

Bit of a sweeping statement there. I get that that might be your experience but could that be down to personality rather than sex? I have seen women refuse to compete and men embracing it.