I need to tell someone anonymously their H is unfaithful

[Popeyethenailor]

I need to anonymously tell the wife of an abusive and chronically unfaithful man that he is unfaithful to her.

I presume she knows about the abuse, as it happens to her, but from conversations with her I feel that confirmation of the infidelity will be the thing that will set her free and finally give her a reason to leave.

I have no vested interest in her knowing (I am not the OW,) I am actually related to her H, so see first hand what goes on and am privy to family discussions about it all. The rest of the family protects him and tells him just to divorce her when their DC are over and I find that very unfair.

If it was revealed that it was me who told her then my family would shun me and consider me completely disloyal.

Which comes to your advice. How do I do it in the most anonymous way possible? A way where even if she showed her H and he employed a whole technology investigations team to trace the message it wouldn't get back to me?

You don't. You mind your own business IMO.

Doing it anonymously, he can just prove to her that someone is making it up. She would probably believe him.

Can you do it face to face so there is no paper trail, electronic or otherwise?

So your family know she is being abused and betrayed, yet you worry about upsetting them? Why?

Do you have any proof? Because I suspect her confronting him with an anonymous message will just give him scope to wriggle out with excuses.

Don't.

Sometimes people will not believe it till they see it with their own eyes.

I told a relative that I was very close with that her long term dp tried it in with me. She didn't believe me and we fell out. Even though she had caught him numerous times in the Internet talking to other women.

Eventually she caught him in the act, kicked him out and basically blames the OW

I agree with redhat. If this woman already knows her partner is an abusivd cheat, I'd very much doubt that receiving an anonymous letter will do anything at all. If you are close and she respects you, and you could talk with her face to face about how worried you are about her that might change things but a random letter in the post? I don't think that's the way to go.

Don't get involved - she might stay with her partner & you'll be the bad guy to everyone for getting involved (even though you want to see her free of him)

All you can do is listen & support her

symphonyofshadows I don't like my family much either but due to our religion/culture/country it is just widely believed that men do these things. I am not prepared to "go against everybody" just to let her know.

I have a feeling I may be able to explain things to her in the message. Things she thought have been coincidences that weren't, if you know what I mean. She has confided in me that she has found messages from women on his phone but that he told her he was just chatting online. And I know for a fact that these were real women he was having sex with as he brought them along to a family gathering and no-one batted an eyelid.

If you are not prepared to stand up to your family and say it was you that told her then you keep completely out of it. You will be no help to her at all. The only thing you could do to help is to help her to get out with details of organisations that help abuse victims.

She has confided in me that she has found messages from women on his phone but that he told her he was just chatting online.

Then she already knows he is a cheat. No need for your letter.

purpledaisies in the same conversation she said that she would leave him if she felt that he had actually had sex with someone else. But that she believed him when he said he "went to the website by mistake and got chatting by mistake"

Took them to a family gathering!!

Absolutely disgusting! Some family....

Yes I would tell but in order for her to believe it you must give proof so that he cannot deny it

If you don't want to sign your name to it, I think you should keep out of it.

Things like this often have the opposite effect and end up pushing couples together, because it can lead them to believe that someone 'out there' has it in for them.

If she's found messages, the seed of doubt will already be there.

It's just a matter of time before she finds out. Or perhaps she already knows and wouldn't appreciate the 'embarrassment' of realising that someone else knows too.

Also, there's a real chance that another family member or friend could get the blame for sending the message.

If you can't stand by what you are saying and support her then don't do it. She needs to know where the information is from.

worraliberty I think you may be right. I just hate that it goes on and she is wasting her life. If I told her personally I am not sure she would believe me. He has got her into a mindset where she believes that all women want him and that women are bad.

She would probably not believe you/it or find a reason not to. There is a thread on here where a woman has received two calls from an 'ow' and I am amazed at the number of posters who are saying it must be a hoax and finding all kinds of spurious reasons why someone would try to cause trouble.

*and not to be trusted. You know, this idea that women lie and are "crazy" and "psycho." Not like her and him who are "normal."

You will probably find that short of her actually physically seeing her H in the act she will accept whatever excuses he gives her.

But that she believed him when he said he "went to the website by mistake and got chatting by mistake"

You don't know whether she believes him or not. Sometimes people will put up with all sorts of abusive behaviour because they are too scared/don't know how to leave. A letter confirming his bad behaviour won't make any difference. She needs an actual real life friend who can tell her they'll be there for her and help her when she's ready to get out of her abusive relationship.

Worra's post above makes lots of really good points.

The fact that he took her to a family meal has changed my mind.

He is humiliating her. I'd tell her to her face as other folk would have seen it too.

Own it or don't do it

If you are from the same religion/culture as me, then I totally get where you are coming from. If the abuse isn't enough for her to walk out then an anonymous letter won't be. If she isn't from this country and is worried about family honour/shame and all the bullshit that goes with it, she may not have the courage ot means to leave. You sound lovely, you really do. I think you need the courage to stand up to your family and support this poor woman. Nobody else will. What have you got to lose? Such a shit situation.

Ok I won't do it. Owning it is impossible in my situation.