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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to tell someone anonymously their H is unfaithful

101 replies

Popeyethenailor · 28/01/2016 09:22

I need to anonymously tell the wife of an abusive and chronically unfaithful man that he is unfaithful to her.

I presume she knows about the abuse, as it happens to her, but from conversations with her I feel that confirmation of the infidelity will be the thing that will set her free and finally give her a reason to leave.

I have no vested interest in her knowing (I am not the OW,) I am actually related to her H, so see first hand what goes on and am privy to family discussions about it all. The rest of the family protects him and tells him just to divorce her when their DC are over and I find that very unfair.

If it was revealed that it was me who told her then my family would shun me and consider me completely disloyal.

Which comes to your advice. How do I do it in the most anonymous way possible? A way where even if she showed her H and he employed a whole technology investigations team to trace the message it wouldn't get back to me?

OP posts:
RainOhJoyus · 28/01/2016 10:03

Could you maybe tell her in person? If not I think anonymously is fine. Type out a letter a deliver it/get it posted when you know she's on her own. If she works I'm guessing that would be it, but it would be awful for her to find out at work so I don't know really

Original poster
Popeyethenailor · 28/01/2016 10:03

sh77 if she would see me as her proper friend and not all women as "psychos" like her H has told her they are (and flattered her that she is not) I would have taken the olive branch before now. I am on her side and she is too brainwashed to realise it. I am putting myself more in danger by telling her. She will be fine regardless. Sounds like we are from the same culture.

OP posts:
PeaceOfWildThings · 28/01/2016 10:08

Are there any photos of these family gatherings? If not, buy a cheap digital camera and at future family gatherings, pass it around so that everyone gets photos of everyone else (or give to teenagers to take photos of everyone). Send the photos to all the women only, plus her. Or just invite her/take her to the next family gathering. She is also family, after all! .

EssentialHummus · 28/01/2016 10:09

Practically? I'd suggest using a disposable email address (try 10-minute Mail) and sending from an internet cafe. But if she's going to be able to act on it, I think that email should contain enough information/detail to prove to her that H. is cheating.

Original poster
Popeyethenailor · 28/01/2016 10:17

essentialhummus if they could trace me to the country I am in right now (they spend half the year abroad) do you think it would be better to get an IP address hider on my computer and set it to a different country and send in a disposable web mail like you suggest?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 28/01/2016 10:21

Are you prepared to sit back and let an innocent person take the blame for sending the email?

Because if they don't suspect you, I've no doubt that will happen.

It could cause all sorts of trouble for someone else.

Original poster
Popeyethenailor · 28/01/2016 10:23

peaceofwildthings there are no photos but I think I could unpick things for her in a way which would make her start to doubt what he's told her in a message

OP posts:
abbsismyhero · 28/01/2016 10:29

are you prepared to lose your family over this? i doubt that so you're going to have to do it anonymously

a trickle in your mind turns into a flood eventually if you tell her anonymously the first time she might not believe it the second time will cause doubt the third will get her attention etc etc

it depends how invested you are in this are you prepared to see her and the kids suffer? no? tell or turn your back on it all and live with it

Flowers i really feel for you you're in an impossible situation someone will get hurt no matter what the outcome

wotoodoo · 28/01/2016 10:34

What hope is there for women in cultures/religions where this is rife when women themselves don't make a stand for what is right?

You need to make a stand now for your future daughters' and for your granddaughters' sake.

Nobody is saying it was easy for Rosa Parkes to stand her ground in the 60s and not give up her bus seat for a white person.

In 1913, WSPU member Emily Davison was killed when she threw herself under the king's horse at the Derby as a protest at the government's continued failure to grant women the right to vote.

You might think all this irrelevant to your post op, but it isn't. When you have women not prepared to stick up for what is right and not stick their neck out for what is right then you perpetuate what is wrong.

Why don't you just do what you think is right and stand with all the other great women in our world whose conscience and intelligence and moral compass was so inspirational?

Of course you could just be like any of the sheeplike women on here and do nothing.

PeaceOfWildThings · 28/01/2016 10:35

I can see your predicament. I suppose one way to do it would be to pass on the email/message to another MNer in another country, who could set up the email account and send it for you.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/01/2016 10:36

I also think you are lovely to want to help her out, and can understand why you don't want to put yourself in the firing line to do so; but I have to agree that anonymous tips aren't going to do the job.

Photos might help though - photos of him with one of the OW, showing them in close contact or touching, laughing together - something that irrefutably shows that they are more than just family or friends.

Anonymous photos from a family gathering though - that's not going to work because it will be obvious that someone from said gathering took the photos, and eventually they'll either work out who it was, or someone else will get the blame as Worra said.

If you REALLY wanted to help her out then hiring a private detective to follow her husband and get the necessary photos, then send them to her, would be one way - but you'd have to use a false name or something so it wasn't traceable back to you. And you might not have the funds for that anyway.

MrsRedFly · 28/01/2016 10:40

In certain cultures women put up with a lot more than western cultures (my in laws have had horrific experiences of marriage) It is really hard to leave marriages even if the husband is emotionally, physically, financially abusive - a lot of pressure from 'the community' to stay together even though the husband is abusive

All you can do is listen

We have tried pointing out women's aid etc but if the person is not ready to listen there is nothing you can do

If you try & do more they will stop contacting you - leaving them more vulnerable

Hope she gets strong enough to leave

AskingForAPal · 28/01/2016 10:50

Can't you just type something, and put it in the post? If your postmark would give you away, post it to someone you know in the country where she is and ask them to.

PurpleDaisies · 28/01/2016 10:51

Can't you just type something, and put it in the post? If your postmark would give you away, post it to someone you know in the country where she is and ask them to.

Letter arrives in the post while the husband is sitting next to her. They scold make things even worse for her at home.

PurpleDaisies · 28/01/2016 10:52

That could not ^they scold*.

LaurieLemons · 28/01/2016 10:52

Do you have proof? Do you honestly think she would believe you - or worse an anonymous letter? You are looking out for someone, sod minding your own business. You've got nothing to lose by sending an anonymous letter, but I really don't know if it will make much difference especially without proof.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 28/01/2016 10:54

You don't. You mind your own business IMO

Usually with this kind of situation, I'd be inclined to take the line above. But when this woman is being abused? Mind your own business? Really?

I'm more concerned about the abuse you mentioned to be honest. How old are the kids?

FedoraTheExplora · 28/01/2016 10:55

Can't believe how many people are saying don't tell Hmm would you all not want to know?

No idea on the best way to keep in anonymous OP, but I think you should find a way to tell her. I also think you're a lovely person for doing so

EssentialHummus · 28/01/2016 10:55

essentialhummus if they could trace me to the country I am in right now (they spend half the year abroad) do you think it would be better to get an IP address hider on my computer and set it to a different country and send in a disposable web mail like you suggest?

OP unfortunately I don't know enough about IT to answer that question unfortunately. In theory I'd expect that a VPN for a different country should work, but I think you'd need to investigate this further.

PurpleDaisies · 28/01/2016 10:58

But when this woman is being abused? Mind your own business? Really?

I agree with this-which is why I think an anonymous letter telling her that her husband is an arsehole (which she already knows from helps treatment of her) won't help. She needs a proper support to leave him.

tallwivglasses · 28/01/2016 11:01

Introduce her to Mumsnet. Other people's posts might open her eyes. And if she ever posts about her fears there'll be hundreds of women willing to tell her what he's really up to.

Viviennemary · 28/01/2016 11:20

You don't tell her anonymously. She might even think it's just a malicious person telling lies and causing trouble. And even if you told her face to face you might be the one she gets annoyed with. On balance stay out of it.

loveyoutothemoon · 28/01/2016 11:23

Don't do it anonymously, tell her in person.

HPsauciness · 28/01/2016 11:24

I think it exceptionally unlikely that she doesn't know he's at least flirting with/having online contact with women and also probably suspects he's having an affair.

I have known at least two such instances, and the women kind of know, but just don't confront it.

You may be completely wrong she would leave him over being unfaithful (even though she says this)- she may well have an internal deal with herself that she just doesn't ask, he doesn't tell.

I wouldn't get involved whatsoever, because unless you were in that bedroom yourself, I don't see how you can prove he had sex with someone anyway- if messages aren't enough for her. If he's that blatant to bring them to family events, surely she must have at least allowed for this possibility.

I just don't think a) people react in the way you want them to and b) will thank you for forcing them to confront what they may actually know but don't want to have to do anything about it.

I would keep out of it in terms of providing evidence (as I can tell you already, you will be called 'crazy', the evidence not good enough and you will not be able to prove anything) but be a good supportive family member to her, and where possible, question his interpretation of events.

UmbongoUnchained · 28/01/2016 11:26

I hugely appreciated it when someone told me I was being cheated on. It was just a shame they waited till after we had split up and the damage was done. I understand in your culture it is difficult though.

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