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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need to tell someone anonymously their H is unfaithful

101 replies

Popeyethenailor · 28/01/2016 09:22

I need to anonymously tell the wife of an abusive and chronically unfaithful man that he is unfaithful to her.

I presume she knows about the abuse, as it happens to her, but from conversations with her I feel that confirmation of the infidelity will be the thing that will set her free and finally give her a reason to leave.

I have no vested interest in her knowing (I am not the OW,) I am actually related to her H, so see first hand what goes on and am privy to family discussions about it all. The rest of the family protects him and tells him just to divorce her when their DC are over and I find that very unfair.

If it was revealed that it was me who told her then my family would shun me and consider me completely disloyal.

Which comes to your advice. How do I do it in the most anonymous way possible? A way where even if she showed her H and he employed a whole technology investigations team to trace the message it wouldn't get back to me?

OP posts:

wannaBe · 28/01/2016 16:33

I think the difficult part (and possibly one worthy of its own thread) is that there are still cultures where even leaving an abusive relationship is considered unacceptable. Tbh I think that even here in the UK in English culture leaving an emotionally abusive relationship is still frowned upon by many people because "he didn't hit you," for instance.

But there are still cultures where marriage is for life regardless of how you are treated, and if a woman is treated badly by her husband it's considered the family norm. And actually, a woman leaving an abusive relationship could be putting herself at greater risk, not only from her abuser, but from the wider family.

Let's not forget that there are still cultures where killing someone for bringing "shame" to the family is considered acceptable practice. And bringing shame can include such things as leaving a relationship.

I don't know how we break these kinds of norms and enable women from these cultural backgrounds to have the courage to leave their abusers.

P1nkP0ppy · 28/01/2016 16:36

He took another woman to a family event and either no one told his wife or she was there and ignored it?

I'd mind my own business, if she's believing his lies now there's a high likelihood you'll be accused of lying too.

Twinklestein · 28/01/2016 16:42

He is certainly abusing her and he is certainly cheating on her. I don't see the point of minimising or separating the latter, it's part of the abuse.

OP I don't think you should involve yourself in 'finding out', that would implicate you. Just validate her suspicions and point her in the direction of organisations that can help her get out - Women's Aid, or any of the culture specific women's groups like Ashiana.org - which is for S. Asian, Turkish, Cypriot & Iranian women; S. Asia refuges which speak Urdu, Punjabi, Mirpuri, Hindi; Muslim Women's Network, for example.

Original poster

Popeyethenailor · 28/01/2016 19:56

worraliberty no-one else would get blamed. That's not a worry of mine. It just wouldn't work like that. They (as a couple) are subjects of much gossip because he is so openly disrespectful of her and she is very poisonous towards other women because he has taught her to be.

When I said you were right before I meant about your other points, not that someone would get blamed

OP posts:

sonjadog · 28/01/2016 20:08

How about writing a letter, sending it to someone in an unconnected country, and then they can send it on to this woman?

sonjadog · 28/01/2016 20:09

Typed letter in typed envelope. Post marked from somewhere random...

wallywobbles · 28/01/2016 20:12

How about a private investigator - presumably not a cheap option, but one where you should be able to guarantee it doesn't lead back to you but that the proof is irrefutable.

WorraLiberty · 28/01/2016 21:12

You can't possibly know that no-one else would get blamed though.

So my question still stands.

Would you come clean immediately if someone else did get blamed?

Original poster

Popeyethenailor · 28/01/2016 21:21

there is no "coming clean." I wouldn't have done anything bad. If someone else got blamed (which is an impossibility as there is no-one else who is female who has both my attitude and my 360 proximity to events) I would tell HER directly it was me. The detail in the things I would say would be things many of the OWs wouldn't know, so if she showed her H, he would know the OW's wouldn't have the 360 degrees the message would have.

The blame thing just isn't an issue. The things that are an issue I have been discussing in this thread.

OP posts:

scoobydooagain · 28/01/2016 21:25

My abusive ex cheated on me and the OW phoned me, and you know what? I did not care. He was treating me so badly that cheating really did not mean that much. I left him a bit after that but the cheating was nothing to do with it. If you want to help, build up her self-esteem, support her. Several years later when I look back at my marriage, I question why I put up with his treatment of me but the cheating does not come into my thoughts.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2016 21:59

I'm not buying it

If someone else got blamed and it wouldn't be an issue for you to step up and admit it was you, then why not just tell her yourself directly now

spudlike1 · 28/01/2016 22:05

I agree with above her finding out he is cheating anonymously isn't the answer ( it probably won't be a surprise ) what she actually needs is real life support . I'm guessing that if she were to leave him she would get zero support from close family.

NameChange30 · 28/01/2016 22:36

"He was treating me so badly that cheating really did not mean that much."

That's what I was trying to say earlier. Not to minimise the cheating, just that the emotional abuse might feel worse.

Original poster

Popeyethenailor · 28/01/2016 22:36

Don't buy it then, Any Fucker!

It's just a question of risk. I take a bigger risk just throwing myself at her feet now and telling her everything. I take less of a risk if I send her an anonymous note and see what happens.

This whole thread is me speculating on whether I should do it or not, and thanks to everyone's responses I am thinking it through. Of course I care about her, but TBH I care about myself, my DH and my DC more and I want to protect us, so I'm not going to take any big risks that will involve putting us in the firing line.

So maybe I won't tell her at all.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 28/01/2016 22:36

Original poster

Popeyethenailor · 28/01/2016 22:37

spudlike and anotheremma I agree that the abuse is worse than the cheating but she finds the controlling behaviour somehow reassuring. And she has such low self esteem because of him that she actually mistakes his emotional abuse for him being "passionate" about her. If she knew he had even touched another woman, her attitude would be very different.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 28/01/2016 22:39

If that's what you think, tell her.

I don't know what else this thread is going to achieve, tbh. Everyone has given their opinion, now you have to decide what to do.

Sallystyle · 28/01/2016 22:39

The people who are telling the OP that her culture shouldn't matter and she should just do the right thing are being a bit short sighted. It's easy for us to say, but not so easy for the OP who has to deal with the fall out is it? It's a lot to expect from the OP, to put up with all the fall out and possibly being shunned by her family. This is her real life, doing the right thing isn't as straight forward for her and not many people would do the right thing when it comes down to it if it's going to bring a whole load of shit and pain on their head and possibly lead to her being ostracised. Especially when there is no guarantee she will even leave her husband.

I'm sorry you are in this position OP. I have no idea what I would do but I really hope your friend gets out of this marriage.

Original poster

Popeyethenailor · 28/01/2016 22:42

anotheremma thank you for your help and advice.

OP posts:

Behooven · 28/01/2016 22:43

Actually, I got such a letter once (many years ago)
It was what I needed to end that relationship as I had been putting up and making do for years.
Wish I could thank the person.

Original poster

Popeyethenailor · 28/01/2016 22:44

U2Hastheedge thank you for understanding. I am feeling rather defensive now because I am trying to find a way that will help everyone.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 28/01/2016 22:45

You're welcome.. I hope we've helped you to think things through. It's not an easy decision to make. I think my suggestion was a good one but I would think that I'm sure you'll make the decision that feels right to you.

Original poster

Popeyethenailor · 28/01/2016 22:46

please nobody feel anymore pressure to comment on this thread if you believe that I have exhausted your resources and not come up with a solution. I am very grateful for all responses I have had.

OP posts:

RainOhJoyus · 28/01/2016 23:00

I think you know you want to tell her, and the anonymous letter is the way to go. If you and her are in country A, couldn't you post it to someone in coutnry B for them to take out and repost to her?

NameChange30 · 28/01/2016 23:05

I think email is better than letter, so she can reply if she wants.

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