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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to tell someone anonymously their H is unfaithful

101 replies

Popeyethenailor · 28/01/2016 09:22

I need to anonymously tell the wife of an abusive and chronically unfaithful man that he is unfaithful to her.

I presume she knows about the abuse, as it happens to her, but from conversations with her I feel that confirmation of the infidelity will be the thing that will set her free and finally give her a reason to leave.

I have no vested interest in her knowing (I am not the OW,) I am actually related to her H, so see first hand what goes on and am privy to family discussions about it all. The rest of the family protects him and tells him just to divorce her when their DC are over and I find that very unfair.

If it was revealed that it was me who told her then my family would shun me and consider me completely disloyal.

Which comes to your advice. How do I do it in the most anonymous way possible? A way where even if she showed her H and he employed a whole technology investigations team to trace the message it wouldn't get back to me?

OP posts:
chocorabbit · 28/01/2016 11:29

And what is the Plan B for her? What are her escape/new life choices? Will she have somewhere to go? Does she work and earn enough by herself so she won't have to rely on unsupportive family? Does she have any children whom she will have to support? Does she have the psychological strength to deal with it?

If those choices are not available, will her family support her? Will they "take her back"? Ok, you are going to face hostility if found out, but what about her? There are families who encourage and support their daughters when they are in an abusive or not working relationship and others who find them as a financial, emotional and cultural burden. In that case you should do nothing.

chocorabbit · 28/01/2016 11:31

Don't get me wrong, informing her should be the right thing to do, no human being should put up with abuse but what will happen afterwards? Will she have to go back to her husband because she will have no other viable options who will treat her even worse as punishment? We don't know the family dynamics.

Humble314 · 28/01/2016 12:00

please DONT mind your own business.

My x treated me like shit for years but it's not something you can explain so easily to others. ironically when i realised he was viewing porn i felt so sickened like it was absolutley the last straw and soon after that I felt confident I had 'the right' to leave.

Original poster
Popeyethenailor · 28/01/2016 12:13

Thank you for all your replies.

I understand that it's hard for some of you to understand the cultural sensitivity of this situation. I think that actual information that he is unfaithful will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Unfortunately, abuse (and I mean putting her down, shouting at her, telling her what to do, brainwashing her, making her feel shame for doing nothing) is a frequently accepted part of this culture. The reasoning is, "okay your husband controls you but that's because he loves you so much. At least he is not lying to you and he is being up front about how he is feeling." Also, things like "Men have tempers. It is a woman's job to calm them."

But the lying - the "sinning", is the branch she will really be able to take hold of and leave and shame him instead. She will be fine financially and obviously I will help her and support her. The posters implying on here that I won't are of course, wrong! I will join in on her side once she knows he is unfaithful because then we will both be justified. But I can't be seen to be the one who released the information.

OP posts:
SymphonyofShadows · 28/01/2016 12:30

I realise we are not getting much of the story at all here but I don't understand how you can know for certain that she will be fine financially when her husband seems to control every aspect of the life. I think that is a hell of an assumption and you haven't answered chocorabbits questions.

sh77 · 28/01/2016 12:36

If you are reasonably confident she would leave, I would pay a private detective to do the work and send evidence. That way, you are out of the picture. Doing nothing isn't an option when you have this knowledge. I'd be surprised if she doesn't already know.

RainOhJoyus · 28/01/2016 12:40

In that case still do it anonymously. You'll always regret it if you don't, and you've told her and what she does with the information may help in the future if she doesn't believe it now. I would want everyone to tell me if it was happening to me, Althugh appreciate its a different culture.

RainOhJoyus · 28/01/2016 12:41

Sh77 idea is actually a good one about the private detective if you can afford it. No idea the costs.

Limer · 28/01/2016 13:01

Poor woman. Sod the culture, she deserves to know. Just tell her. How will she react when she realises you all knew and didn't tell her?

Honesty trumps culture every time.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 28/01/2016 13:06

... not when it can get you ostracised for the rest of your life or even get you physically attacked, limer

As for a private detective, costs vary I believe. If you are UK, the thing to be aware of is that they are an unregulated profession. www.lawgazette.co.uk/practice/how-to-hire-a-private-investigator/5040588.fullarticle

One option is to see if they were in the police at any stage, specially Investigations. It's certainly not the only option though.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 28/01/2016 13:11

this is worth listening to if you're UK - based www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b038ynzm

NameChange30 · 28/01/2016 13:19

I'm really on the fence about this one. I think the abuse is a bigger problem than the cheating. If you're sure that the cheating is the final straw that will finally convince her to leave him, it could be worth telling her... But I have a feeling it will be much more complicated than that. If you do tell her I think you also need to offer your support if she decides to leave. Perhaps you could do that anonymously. Set up a web-based email address to contact her with. If she believes you about the cheating and decides to leave him, you could then tell her who you are. But if she doesn't believe you and/or wants to stay with him, you don't have to reveal yourself. That's the best compromise I can think of.

In your position I would be encouraging her to get counselling, contact WA, and/or read Lundy Bancroft. If there was a way to give her a copy of the book without him finding it, I'd be tempted to do that. But it's very difficult. You don't want to put her at risk. And she may not be ready to get help - it has to come from her.

Twinklestein · 28/01/2016 14:50

I think the abuse is a bigger problem than the cheating

Really? It directly threatens her health - quite apart from HIV, untreated STIs can lead to inferlilty, ectopic pregnancy, Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and cancer...

I think you're absolutely right to tell her OP, and I totally understand that within the confines of your culture it would be sensible to do it anonymously or it will kick up a whole shitstorm.

I just don't think women should stay silent about shitty men, it enables them to get away with it.

OP, you give her the information, what she does with it is up to her.

NameChange30 · 28/01/2016 14:58

Twinklestein I see your point about STIs. But that's a potential risk, whereas we know that her well being (and probably that of the children) is being damaged by her abusive husband. She may also be at risk of financial, physical and sexual abuse (in addition to the emotional abuse).

We probably don't need to argue which is worse, because both are shit. It's just that being in an abusive relationship will probably make it even harder to deal with the fact that he is cheating. She might not feel confident enough to confront him and/or leave.

Twinklestein · 28/01/2016 15:12

It's not a potential risk it's an actual risk, she may have an untreated infection now for all we know.

There's not much OP can do about the abuse unless this woman reaches out, but she can let her know about the infidelity, and the woman has a chance to protect herself from that.

MrsNuckyT · 28/01/2016 15:13

I'd post a letter. Typed and printed on bog standard paper. Post it in a busy city centre location. Ideally include photos or other evidence.

Original poster
Popeyethenailor · 28/01/2016 15:21

The biggest problem I have is that everyone is scared of the men in the family. Women will not support each other because the men breed a culture of distrust where women are seen as crazy if they go against the prescribed rules. Thankfully I married outside this culture and my DH tolerates it and can do a good impression of being "one of the men" at family gatherings to keep them off my back for not marrying in the way they wanted me to.

I see the timeline as going like this:

  1. I send her an anonymous message unpicking some of the things she feels confused about and some of the things that have happened and telling her what the reality is.
  1. This may encourage her to confide in me again at which point I will grasp the nettle and offer to help her "find out."
  1. She (we) find out (which will not be very hard, with my help.) She is suitably morally outraged and sees the opportunity to leave. And I help her.

I don't mind being angry at him for cheating on her. I would be perfectly justified, even within our culture. I just cannot be seen to be the one to betray his secret.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 28/01/2016 15:24

"It's not a potential risk it's an actual risk, she may have an untreated infection now for all we know."

He might have used protection (unlikely, but possible) and/or the OW(s) might not have an STI. We can't say for certain that he's got an STI that he could pass on to the OP. Of course, it's an unpleasant possibility, but it's not certain. The fact that he is abusing her is certain. That's all I'm saying. I do agree with you, though, that the OP should tell her about the cheating. I just want her to offer support as well, because I think she is very likely to need it.

NameChange30 · 28/01/2016 15:27

Cross post! I do hope you tell her, OP, and offer support - anonymously or not.

MoominPie22 · 28/01/2016 15:57

Hi Popeye, are you muslim? Your´s is a culture where women are frequently treat as inferior, subservient and not given the same rights as men. So obviously this is a winning recipe for abuse to prosper, be learned by the sons that this is how women should be treat, and so the cycle continues. It is truly horrendous for Westerners, like me, to see women being oppressed and have their basic human rights abused (along with everything else) when we have enjoyed the same liberties as men our entire lives and enjoy equal rights. We just wonder how it can be possible to behave like that in this day and age!

I´m not picking on muslims btw, as there´s lots of sexism in other religions. I´m married to a man from another culture but his family are pretty liberal, thank God. I feel it´s disgusting how abuse of women is normalised in certain cultures, so that even women appear to accept it as the norm Confused even though they must be miserable as sin and suffering. How can they not? But I´m off on a tangent....

I will say that you appear to have more morals than your family, that´s for sure! You have a conscience and want to do what is right. Thank God there are people like you in the world imo! If it were me I´d write a letter then get somebody to copy that letter in their handwriting, so that he won´t recognise your writing when she recieves it. Cos she will show it to him presumably. Get a mate to do that for you. You can only do so much really, if you want to stay on the right side of your family. And if she doesn´t believe what is in the letter and chooses not to act, then so be it. You tried your best but it´s great to know you will be a support to her when she decides to take action.

The poor woman sounds horribly downtrodden, I hope you can help her.

NameChange30 · 28/01/2016 16:02

Moomin your post is Islamophobic and offensive. Violence, abuse and discrimination against women exists in EVERY culture, country and religion, sadly. For goodness sake don't turn this thread into a stupid argument about Islam and it's treatment of women. It will be a massive derail.

I'm not Muslim, btw, but I have studied Islamic feminism and women's rights in the Middle East. If you want to discuss it, why not start another thread?

wannaBe · 28/01/2016 16:03

If your DH is not from your culture would it be possible for him to talk to her? Given your culture is so male orientated, perhaps a man who is not of that mindset would be the kind of person to talk to her instead? and that in turn might give her the confidence to act on it.

NameChange30 · 28/01/2016 16:05

Correction: its treatment of women

MoominPie22 · 28/01/2016 16:13

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WorraLiberty · 28/01/2016 16:27

The biggest problem I have is that everyone is scared of the men in the family. Women will not support each other because the men breed a culture of distrust where women are seen as crazy if they go against the prescribed rules.

And what if another woman in the family gets the blame for sending the anonymous message?

What then? Will you finally stand up and put your name to it and hope that not too much trouble has been caused for that woman?