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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Separated. Living together. Would like to reconcile

88 replies

spottyman · 22/12/2015 21:01

Hi. 1st time poster.
Married 2.5 years. No kids of our own. She has 2. 5 & 7
My wife told me 3 weeks ago that she no longer wants to be in a relationship with me. She has moved to another room.
But she is being really nice. If you were to sit in the room with us you wouldn't know anything is wrong. Exept for there is obviously no affection.
We talk. Laugh. Do family stuff. Get on really well but she says she's had enough.
I desperately want her back. What should I do? All the advice I can find is to be strong. Let her do whatever she needs to do and if it's meant to be it will.
I'm not begging or trying to get her to stay. I don't want to come accross as needy or pushy. She said she is going to leave but doesn't know when. I'm so confused.

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 22/12/2015 21:09

What has she had enough of?

How long have you been together?

Original poster

spottyman · 22/12/2015 21:20

Enough of us. I think she's bored of being married to me.
She had a fairly wild younger life. Don't want to go into to much detail but some of the stuff she told me did take me aback a little. And I'm no prude.
And we argue about stupid this. What to eat. Where to go out. How many potatoes should I put in the stew! I know it sounds stupid but that's what was happening.

Been together 5 years. She's 40. I'm 39.

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 22/12/2015 21:28

Is she open to going to couples counselling?

To be honest, her actions and her words appear to be incongruous. It doesn't make sense and must be very confusing and hurtful to you.

Have you confided in anyone? You need support.

Original poster

spottyman · 22/12/2015 21:37

She won't do counceling. Flatly refused. But that's the way she is Tbh.
I have confided in as many people as possible! Mum. Dad. Sister. Friends. But they all just say the same thing. That it is odd but there isn't anything you can do.
I would move out but I can't afford anywhere and I don't want to go if she's going to go anyway. It's a rented house.

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 22/12/2015 21:52

So is she planning on leaving or has she suggested you go?

or has she said nothing and is just fucking with you?

Original poster

spottyman · 22/12/2015 22:06

Shes said she is going but no real plans (that I know of)
She's definitely fucking with me but I'm not sure to what end.
I just want to know where I stand. One minute she's making me breakfast the next she's telling me she's not doing my washing anymore!

OP posts:

hesterton · 22/12/2015 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Isetan · 23/12/2015 05:42

I'm confused, she's had two of her three children within your 5 year relationship?

Take her at her word, she doesn't want a relationship with you but isn't ready to inconvenience herself by either of you moving out. You can't stop her headfuck ways but you can and should, stop exposing yourself to them. By having it all her own way, she's wielding a lot power and her mixed signals are designed to give you enough hope to keep you stuck.

It's time you start prioritising your needs because she's prioritising hers, to your detriment.

TooSassy · 23/12/2015 05:46

How come she has two kids that aren't yours and you've been together 5 years? Did she cheat on you OP?

Original poster

spottyman · 23/12/2015 06:35

No she has 2 kids 5 and 7. The youngest was only 6 months when we started seeing each other
I think your right. I must look after me right now and whatever happens. Happens.

OP posts:

Original poster

spottyman · 23/12/2015 07:05

It's just so odd. She's making me dinners. Wanting to do family stuff together. Just last night she asked if I could meet her from work at the local supermarket. I assumed she wanted a hand carrying the stuff home but she had the car? I know that doesn't sound too strange but there was no need for me to be there. So why ask.

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 23/12/2015 07:34

I agree with PP that you need to take her at her word. Start making your own meals for a start.

Ideally you need to start thinking about where you'd like everyone to live after the split.

RedMapleLeaf · 23/12/2015 07:35

Sorry, I should have said, "Ideally you should stop sharing a house with her, so perhaps start thinking about where everyone will be living and make moves towards that".

hellsbellsmelons · 23/12/2015 12:18

I would move out but I can't afford anywhere
Why can't you?
Do you work and earn a decent wage?
Could you move in with your parents for a short time to get some money saved?
Do you not have any savings at all?
Or could you parents help you out with a deposit.
You need to be away from her and fast.
She will fuck with your mind otherwise.
There is a similar thread running somewhere and he's had some good advice.
Get a free half hour with a solicitor to see what your options are.
As you have no DC together it should make things far easier but there will be some complications so understand what they are.

Original poster

spottyman · 31/12/2015 12:49

It's really expensive. We live on the south coast. Family are not local. I have some savings but not enough to get my own place. Friends....not really.
I love where we live. I couldn't afford anywhere even remotely as nice. But I do understand what your saying but in not ready to give up just yet.

We've been keeping out of each others way during Christmas. But today she came down in a new short sexy nightie she got yesterday and wore it all morning. And made us breakfast. Do you think it could be a good sign?

OP posts:

Original poster

spottyman · 31/12/2015 14:47

And I've just been told she's making us a curry for dinner tonight.

OP posts:

ClashCityRocker · 31/12/2015 14:52

To me it smacks of wanting all the perks of being with someone - stability, company, security, a shared history - with an excuse to sleep with other people.

You need to sit her down and discuss where you go from here, with a definite plan.

ClashCityRocker · 31/12/2015 14:53

Having said that, when my ex and I split we lived together for a few months and actually got on better than we had in ages - I think because I was no longer emotionally invested in him so wouldn't nag etc, I actually enjoyed his company again. The love was gone though.

Original poster

spottyman · 31/12/2015 15:10

I truly hope that your wrong and she still does love me but I don't know.
Maybe new years will be a turning point. One way or another. We are getting on well but as you say that could be because the pressure is off. Time will tell I suppose.

OP posts:

Mamapotter2008 · 31/12/2015 15:44

Im so sorry you are going through this, OP. Quite frankly it's a shitty way to treat someone.

If you need to, have one more talk with her. Tell her how you feel about her, and offer to talk about whatever it is that's making her say those things.

But from now on, make it clear that if she really wants out, you will go. Don't let her use you to make herself feel good. I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds to me like she's enjoying that fact you don't want it to end no matter how she treats you.

I really hope I'm wrong with that. Get legal advice as soon as you can. Make your exit plan as soon as you can. If it's all a big mistake, she'll let you know.

redfox2015 · 31/12/2015 15:59

I've read all the posts and your replies and agree it is a puzzle.
My thought is, there is a piece of the puzzle missing, there is something you don't know yet.
Could be she needs you to be the bad guy and leave

Original poster

spottyman · 31/12/2015 16:16

I'm not sure I know how to be the bad guy!
I did have a gut feeling there was someone else but I don't see how our when she could (but I know people can hide things well when they need to)
I just love her. And want her to stay.

OP posts:

AllChangeLife · 31/12/2015 16:22

Kind of strikes me that she is unhappy and trying to take a stand/make a point, but without actually committing to leaving.

Id probably give her an ultimatum, either you need to break up and move out or work on your marriage with councilling etc.

Mamapotter2008 · 31/12/2015 16:26

My heart goes out to you, it really does. I was also blindsided three weeks before Christmas, so I know how it feels. You need to protect yourself now and put boundaries in place. Otherwise you'll prolong your agony. I'm counting the days since I last begged him to change his mind, pretty much in the same way an alcoholic counts the number of days they are sober. It will be three weeks on Sunday. I've gone no contact too.

It is the most painful thing I've ever gone through. I've had a lot of counselling to help with that - if you don't have the funds for that, your GP might be able to help.

But, it has got better since I went no contact. Now I can think more clearly - he definitely knows I'd want to reconcile. And if he starts feeling the same, I'm sure he'd make that very easy to see. I don't think it will happen, and now I'm starting to see that in fact, the differences in our levels of committent to our marriage have been hurting me for some time, and it's actually possible that this time next year I'll be happier than I hsve been in years.

Goingtobeawesome · 31/12/2015 16:33

Have you ousted about this situation before? If not, there is another man going through the same thing. You should have a look.

All the while you are doing nothing about believing she wants out you are allowing her to mess with your head.

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