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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separated. Living together. Would like to reconcile

88 replies

spottyman · 22/12/2015 21:01

Hi. 1st time poster.
Married 2.5 years. No kids of our own. She has 2. 5 & 7
My wife told me 3 weeks ago that she no longer wants to be in a relationship with me. She has moved to another room.
But she is being really nice. If you were to sit in the room with us you wouldn't know anything is wrong. Exept for there is obviously no affection.
We talk. Laugh. Do family stuff. Get on really well but she says she's had enough.
I desperately want her back. What should I do? All the advice I can find is to be strong. Let her do whatever she needs to do and if it's meant to be it will.
I'm not begging or trying to get her to stay. I don't want to come accross as needy or pushy. She said she is going to leave but doesn't know when. I'm so confused.

OP posts:
Offred · 01/01/2016 17:27

What you describe is a toxic relationship I'm afraid.

Thinking of it as unique and special is harming you not helping you.

Finola1step · 01/01/2016 17:31

Oh, seeing her mum???

She's told you it is over. But she's keeping you dangling because putting it bluntly, you pay the bills.

If there is another man, chances are she's waiting for him to leave his wife and family. Don't suppose he's had second thoughts over Xmas and New Year?

If this scenario is correct, she's taking you for a mug. And she will start back peddling any moment if lover boy has binned her off.

I suggest you start the ball rolling. If you're renting, get that tenancy agreement out and double check the notice period. If you have a joint account, start getting your finances in order. If your salary gets paid into a joint account, change that ASAP. Open an new account in your name only.

The standard advice to women on here when their marriage is over is to get your finances sorted before you do anything. And speak to a solicitor.

Original poster
spottyman · 01/01/2016 17:37

Ok I know it's not great. It's pretty bad. But I don't want it to end. Not yet.
BUT I cannot do this. She is almost sulking now. Drinking vodka on her own in the spare room. I think she has got her headphones in. It's all very strange. This morning was fine?

OP posts:
Offred · 01/01/2016 17:46

Why don't you want it to end?

There are many rational reasons to end it. Not wanting to end it when things are so wrong is a sign of a toxic (abusive) relationship.

Original poster
spottyman · 01/01/2016 17:49

I'm starting to think your right. Someone else is possible. And it does fit. I think my stomach just feel out Sad
What the hell do i do now. Confront, or do I try to find out more? I can't believe this is happening.

OP posts:
Ticktacktock · 01/01/2016 18:02

Don't talk to her when she's drunk. Wait until tomorrow. Have you asked her mum if she was there during the hours she says she was?

Original poster
spottyman · 01/01/2016 18:03

No I suppose I could.

OP posts:
BackInTheRealWorld · 01/01/2016 18:03

I got on so much better with my ex once we decided to split. It made him think we could work it out but actually it was because I didn't give a fuck anymore, I'd already detached. That was a struggle making him realise.

Tbh you are best leaving. If she has any doubts that is when she will regret it. If you hang around after she has made her mind up it will stop any doubts and just make her hate you.

Original poster
spottyman · 01/01/2016 19:15

But she said that she is leaving. Just Not when.
She is being so weird tonight. Something has happened. But I Don't know what.

OP posts:
Offred · 01/01/2016 19:40

You really need to stop obsessing desperately over a woman who treats you with no respect.

Offred · 01/01/2016 19:41

Whatever has happened today is not the answer to you fixing this relationship. She is awful to you and you (and her DC) deserve better than this messing around.

zippey · 01/01/2016 20:29

If she's not working and wants to stay put, she probably needs you there to pay your share of the rent.

I'd leave, it's messing with your head. There's plenty more women out there.

Original poster
spottyman · 02/01/2016 09:47

I've told her this morning that I really want to give it another go. But she said no. I think that's it then. Not going to mention it anymore. But I'm not going to give up. Yet.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 02/01/2016 11:26

Oh Spotty sometimes you have to just walk away. She has told you over and over she is leaving-she doesn't want to be with you. If she changes her mind it sounds very likely it is because she has been dumped and you are the fall back option until something better comes along.
So detach take her at her word, grow a pair of balls and stop pussy footing around. Why does she have to make all the decisions for you. I hate this phrase but l am going to use it--MAN UP. Look what effect her behaviour is having on you and no doubt the DC's must sense it too.
you deserve better than this.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 02/01/2016 11:43

You have to move out. Have a look on spare room.co.uk and Airbnb for a short term let and get out. She's being cruel to you. This may because she has someone else or she may just be a cruel person. A few things you have said indicate that this relationship isn't great anyway - your drinking, different people, relationship is a little odd. Time to take care of yourself.

Offred · 02/01/2016 12:54

You need to stop obsessing over this relationship which is damaging everyone involved. Walk. Away.

Offred · 02/01/2016 13:05

I mean do you want to be that man who doesn't take no for an answer? Who refuses to accept the relationship is over? That kind of creepy stalker man?

She has told you over and over that it is over. You refuse to accept it.

Yes, her behaviour is confusing and in some ways cruel but she has told you it is over. You need to accept that as a fact.

Viviennemary · 02/01/2016 13:10

I'd tell her she must make her mind up. If she wants a separation then either you move out or she moves out. This dilly dallying indecision is no good for anyone. Unless she wants a reconciliation you must live in separate homes. And lots of people have petty arguments about trivial things. It doesn't mean you need to divorce. Sounds like she wants you to take the initiative and leave and then her conscience will be clear. She is not being fair IMHO. She is calling all the shots and messing with your emotions. Which is mean and selfish.

Original poster
spottyman · 02/01/2016 13:47

I've got to get out of here. I don't know what happened yesterday but she's still really pissed off.
I went swimming earlier and came home about 12.30. She's in her room drinking again. I put my towels into wash and she has a go as she wanted to do some washing! I think I'm going to go out!

OP posts:
Ticktacktock · 02/01/2016 13:53

Have you tried asking her mum what's going on? I'd be waiting until she passes out in a drunken stupor then nick her phone and see what I could find on it

Original poster
spottyman · 02/01/2016 14:17

Her phone is locked up tight. I have tried. Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
spottyman · 02/01/2016 14:20

I don't think I could ask her mum without her finding out and getting mad.

OP posts:
Ticktacktock · 02/01/2016 14:28

I'd let her get mad. She's leaving anyway isn't she? Anyway, it might work in your favour, you'll find out what's going on and she'll fuck off quicker.

Offred · 02/01/2016 14:32

Seriously, what would be the point in checking her phone? If she has been having an affair you will then just use it to feed your hope that the relationship can be saved.... As long as the affair ends etc...

IMO how your relationship operates is not healthy. It is not healthy to 'need' another person.

It is not healthy to view a toxic relationship as 'unusual' and special.

Please, if you can't prioritise your emotional health at least think about the DC.

You can contact mankind for support in dealing with the emotional abuse but you really must take some action to stop all this before it becomes much worse.

Offred · 02/01/2016 14:34

I don't think she will 'fuck off' at all.

Her excuses for leaving are bullshit. She won't be able to claim benefits unless you are living separately. She must know this.

I think if you discover an affair you will put up with being cuckolded and abused just to keep her near you...