Separated. Living together. Would like to reconcile

[spottyman]

Hi. 1st time poster.
Married 2.5 years. No kids of our own. She has 2. 5 & 7
My wife told me 3 weeks ago that she no longer wants to be in a relationship with me. She has moved to another room.
But she is being really nice. If you were to sit in the room with us you wouldn't know anything is wrong. Exept for there is obviously no affection.
We talk. Laugh. Do family stuff. Get on really well but she says she's had enough.
I desperately want her back. What should I do? All the advice I can find is to be strong. Let her do whatever she needs to do and if it's meant to be it will.
I'm not begging or trying to get her to stay. I don't want to come accross as needy or pushy. She said she is going to leave but doesn't know when. I'm so confused.

It seems like she wants the relationship to be over, but doesn't want to push you out of your home.
A concrete discussion about the future would probably help, both so that you know what she is thinking and don't have to look for signs in how she behaves, and also so that she knows you are taking it seriously, might help her know that she has to be certain also.

Have you properly separated? What I mean finances and the fact that even if you are a step-dad she must be facing future on her own looking after both children.
Do you both work?

No I haven't posted before. Someone else said that. I'll see if I can find it.
No proper separation. It's all just words at the moment. One minute I think I've got a chance the next she's cold. She doesn't work.

That's a cruel way to treat someone, OP (her behaviour not yours). Is it acceptable to give people of the opposite gender a platonic unmumsnetty hug?

Hope whatever happens, you can be happy.

She is, as said above, keeping her nice sorroundings for as long as you can.
If you want to sort out your head sut her diwn, talk finances and give yourself a date to move out by. Get a room in a shared house and let her get on with her life.

You need to sit her down and tell her that her behaviour is inappropriate (walking around half dressed, cooking you dinner, summoning you to the supermarket etc) and that you need to formalise the terms of the separation ASAP; who is moving out, how things are to be separated etc.

You need to do this for the DC btw. Stop thinking about your feelings about wanting a reconciliation. She has messed you around and she is messing her DC around. The best thing for the DC is to separate IMO and quickly.

*as long as you can=as long as SHE can (at your expense)

She's taking the piss out of you and you're allowing it. She knows what she's doing - she's playing head games.

Is there something she would like out of you, to salvage your marriage? Like for you to stop drinking, or smoking, or something else?

Sounds to me like she's showing you what you'll miss if you don't comply with her ultimatum.

Then go with your heart Hunn
Good luck xx

I know she doesn't like me drinking. I can stop that. I just want my family whole again.

Have you told her that you love her and don't want her to leave or did you just accept that she wants to separate?

Ive told her. But she said she's had enough. But that was a couple of weeks ago.
I did get a new year kiss this morning!
I don't know what to do for the best. Leave her alone. Give her space. Or show her how much I need her.

If she has said that she will leave at some point then you probably need to discuss the practicalities and what that means with your lease. If you think it will be hard to find a place for yourself then you don't want to be blind-sided by her having something sorted and you not.

It seems a bit strange that she wore a short sexy nighty all morning, do you think she's teasing you or do you think she was inviting you to have sex?

Maybe she wants to feel wanted and desired? Just a thought.

I don't see how you can love someone who treats you this way unless the relationship is dysfunctional.

The whole thing about 'needing' her is more evidence of that.

Please take steps to get out of this toxic relationship and try to put your feelings of anxiety about the relationship aside and think of the effect this environment is having on the two DC.

Our relationship has always been a little odd. We are very different people. But I don't think it is a toxic relationship. I lover her so much.

I would like to know if you think I have a chance of her staying.

Just sit down and talk to her. Tell her what you want and ask her what she does. If she wants out explain that her being hot and cold isn't helping you start to come to terms with the separation. If you can't talk write it down and then discuss how you can move on.

I have tried. I have told her i love her and the children and that i don't want this. But she just says she is going but for some reason I don't think she's being honest. It feels like she's trying to punish me or something.

She is playing games, very cruel. Time to call her bluff

She has told you what she wants, you need to discuss what that will look like in terms of you both moving on. That should let you know whether she is being honest or not.

I have tried to get some answers. But all she replies is that she hasn't got a magic wand and can't just go. Needs to sort out benefits etc.
But she has a brother and her mum that live nearby. In don't see why she hasn't stayed with them at least when the kids have been at their dad's for a few days over the holidays.

Shes just come in from seeing her mum. Really pissed off. I asked what was wrong and she said i was a pest. And to leave her alone. I have no idea what's happened. Don't know if it's something I've done or what. She's behaving so odd at the moment.

If I didn't know any better I'd say she's been dumped!