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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need some nonjudgmental hand holding please

119 replies

Fckup · 19/12/2015 12:18

I realise I may get flamed for this but I need some help....I stupidly slept with a married man. Not once but on 3 occasions. We felt like soulmates. I knew he was married with 2 children and I told him to leave her or I wasn't interested. He left her, he felt relieved and as he hadn't been happy for 8 years including a 15 month long affair with someone else it seemed like The right decision. That was on Wednesday. Yesterday he went back to try and save his marriage. I'm devastated, not because of this but the way he has used me. I got too involved, I've no real friends, my kids are growing up and are at their dads this weekend and over Christmas. I don't know how to get over him.

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 19/12/2015 12:24

You could start by telling yourself that he's a cheating bastard and you wouldn't want him anyway. Pity his poor wife and consider you had a lucky escape.

TurnipCake · 19/12/2015 12:24

Go no contact with him.

Baggage Reclaim website is a good place to start to understand your mutual emotional unavailability

Perhaps seek out someone professional to talk about any underlying issues that may have sought you to subconsciously seek out this man

Cabrinha · 19/12/2015 13:06

Sometimes, you marry the wrong person and you truly fall in love with someone else. Soulmates.

That he has already had one 15 month affair? Kinda makes your Soulmates thing a bit unlikely.

You got burned. His wife is the one getting used here. He's just an arsehole. May not seem like it, but you dodged a bullet there.

Work on expanding your so oak network, you have time when your kids are away - maybe a new sport in the new year?

Original poster
Fckup · 19/12/2015 13:16

Thank you, I know I did wrong but I can't get him out of my head. Probably not helped by the fact he was so attentive, it was lovely someone texting me in the morning and to say goodnight. He hasn't told her about the other affairs, I feel for her. She's taken him back based on more lies but that stupidly gives me hope he will leave again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fckup · 19/12/2015 13:19

Turnipcake - I didn't seek him out, he made all the running. When you're 44 and feeling past it, it was amazing.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 19/12/2015 13:20

Are you sure he ever left? Very quick turnaround. Might have just lied to you to keep you happy. Someone not as bright or strong as you would fall for that - oh he did want to leave her for me, it's just the kids, etc...

Original poster
Fckup · 19/12/2015 14:13

Maybe you're right Cabrinha. He said he told her about me but who knows. He's texted me saying he wants to try and save his marriage but wants to meet up now and then for some amazing fucking!!!! He said I have to be willing to share??? How does that fit with wanting to save your marriage?

OP posts:
munkynutts · 19/12/2015 14:17

Wow. That's so blatant I'm speechless.

theredjellybean · 19/12/2015 14:18

oh dear
thats not a soulmate ...thats a horrible man who wants best of both worlds

yes occasionally people marry and then the marriage for whatever reasons is not working and you do meet someone else who you fall in love and leave for .

But to say he has left for you then to go back and have the nerve to sugest you can be f@@k buddies....well that should show you exactly what kind of man he is....run very fast in the opposite direction fckup...

Cabrinha · 19/12/2015 14:21

Bloody hell!!

Well, I'm sorry that it's so harsh on you (although, married man, in the nicest possible way you do deserve it) but you should thank your lucky stars that he's been so blatant.

That should help you get over this much more quickly. Block him completely. That's what he thinks of you. Just something for sex.

Tell him to fuck right off, and maybe threaten to forward the text to his wife, just to shit him up a bit. But then block block block.

timelytess · 19/12/2015 14:26

Take a few deep breaths, get a dvd and ice cream, buy yourself some clothes online, have a bath or shower with lots of nice smelling stuff... you'll be fine.

Don't let him use you for the 'amazing fucking'. It won't be so amazing now you know what he's really like. He wasn't a soulmate, he was a skilful manipulator.

timelytess · 19/12/2015 14:28

Oh, and don't feel guilty about his wife - he played around, its his guilt, not yours. Don't be sorry for her either, because she really wouldn't value your pity, it would feel pretty insulting. So, head up, brush yourself down, move on.

TempusEedjit · 19/12/2015 14:38

I agree with Cabrinha about such a quick turnaround, I expect he used the same excuse to his wife regarding the two days he "left" her as he did when he was off sleeping with you and his previous affair buddy (working away?).

I guess he wanted to "demonstrate" to you how he really wants to be with you but because he's so lovely he can't leave his children, but now he's proved how he feels about you by "leaving" DW will you please keep fucking him while he does the right thing by his family? Bleurgh.

Sorry you're hurting but be thankful he has shown you his true colours before you got any more involved.

Original poster
Fckup · 19/12/2015 15:01

You are all so lovely, I knew he was married and how I was doing something very wrong but you've seen past that and helped me. Thank you. I need to rebuild my life though. I've no friends, no hobbies. Just work and kids.

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TempusEedjit · 19/12/2015 15:11

Have you tried something like CitySocialiser?

theredjellybean · 19/12/2015 15:52

it is so very hard, you cannot control who you fall in love with and I know that all that attention is intoxicating but you will get over him. i know someone has suggested baggage reclaim already, but i found her very cynical and man hating !

try loveshack in the forum for 'the other woman' its very sobering reading, and will make you realize most men having affairs have a 'script' and your ex lover is following it...
expect to be love bombed by him, saying how he loves you but cant leave her because.....kids/money/she is unstable/unwell/, money, house, her family, his family, the cat is dying.....but you are really his soulmate...he cannot live without you , you are his only happiness etc etc....

but just block him , plan a new hobby for january .

janaus · 19/12/2015 18:57

Find your own man, not someone else's. Another lying, cheating scumbag.
I hope he can sort his life out without you.

Original poster
Fckup · 19/12/2015 19:03

Yes it was intoxicating. I felt amazing that someone wanted little old me that much. Time for some self esteem I think.

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Original poster
Fckup · 19/12/2015 19:57

theredjellybean - don't suppose the love bombing ever has a basis to it? Is it ever not part of the script? I told him not interested etc, suddenly he's texting, offering to ring me to chat about things.

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LionHeartedWoman · 19/12/2015 20:13

If he cared about you as a person he would not have got into a relationship with you before sorting out (one way or another), his marriage.

Yy to self esteem work, also establishing and maintaining appropriate boundaries. Please do block and go NC. You don't need to be part of his drama.

LionHeartedWoman · 19/12/2015 20:16

He wants to continue with what he had with you while maintaining the veneer of married man. Yes he's not genuine, you're not his soulmate.

I am sorry, but he doesn't care about you, he cares about what you can provide for him.

honeyroar · 19/12/2015 23:06

You deserve much better than him. Keep looking. Try and give yourself one evening for yourself, join a club and get a babysitter, have one evening away from the house and kids. Expand your network. Meet new people.

Original poster
Fckup · 20/12/2015 05:25

I can't believe someone can be that cold and calculating though? I know I'm being stupid but I can't stop thinking about him and that he doesn't want to lose me.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 20/12/2015 05:32

He doesn't want to lose you - as his no 2, no frills bit on the side. He wants her more.. Don't put yourself through it. Once can be chalked up as a mistake. A stupid one that hurt someone else though. She was probably feeling a lot worse than you do now. Go back for more and you're a fool...

winkywinkola · 20/12/2015 07:59

He doesn't want to lose you? Of course not. You're a nice easy fuck for him when he's a bit bored of his wife.

That's all. Really. That's it. Nothing more.

Do you honestly have no pride? You fell for the attentions of a married man who knows how to target people.

He is an utter scumbag and if I were you, I'd get myself tested for STDs pdq.

Block him - he's such a creep - and find a single man instead.

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