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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need some nonjudgmental hand holding please

119 replies

Fckup · 19/12/2015 12:18

I realise I may get flamed for this but I need some help....I stupidly slept with a married man. Not once but on 3 occasions. We felt like soulmates. I knew he was married with 2 children and I told him to leave her or I wasn't interested. He left her, he felt relieved and as he hadn't been happy for 8 years including a 15 month long affair with someone else it seemed like The right decision. That was on Wednesday. Yesterday he went back to try and save his marriage. I'm devastated, not because of this but the way he has used me. I got too involved, I've no real friends, my kids are growing up and are at their dads this weekend and over Christmas. I don't know how to get over him.

OP posts:
IamlovedbyG · 20/12/2015 10:07

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TempusEedjit · 20/12/2015 10:37

If he really had feelings for you why would he need to lovebomb you? He'd leave his wife if he really felt that strongly about you. Millions of couples separate and the DC cope, what makes his circumstances so special? Or alternatively if there are special circumstances that mean his DC wouldn't cope with their parents separating then he's even more of a scumbag to risk their welfare for the sake of sleeping around.

You can honestly do so much better.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 20/12/2015 10:54

This man never had any intention of leaving his wife. "Leaving" her on Wednesday only to go back to her "to save the marriage" a couple of days later was a pretense to reel you in to be his bit on the side.

Now he's shown himself in his true colours if only you will open your eyes. He wants you to be his casual fuck-buddy while you innocently believe it's some grand romance. Which was what he wanted all along.

He's a liar and a cheat, and has cynically used you.

Get angry and block his arse!

Original poster
Fckup · 20/12/2015 12:24

He is blocked!! Thank you thank you thank you. I shouldn't have done it, I knew it was wrong and my non existent self esteem (ex H was physically and emotionally abusive for 15 years of marriage) is no excuse. His poor wife, I hope she sees through him though.

OP posts:
jelliebelly · 20/12/2015 12:29

Be glad that he's shown his true colours so early on. You have to go no contact and focus on you and your own sense of self worth. He is an arse and you are better off without him.

violettahatesoperatta · 20/12/2015 12:29

I can't believe someone can be that cold and calculating though?

Getting back on the dating scene in the last year after a mammoth 18 year relationship, this really echos for me too.

It is utterly amazing what some people are capable of. I've had this happen to me too. In the end, there are no ways and where fors.. it's something that just needs to be accepted as a very sad part of life.

Not everyone we meet treats us the way that we treat others.
It will be their undoing. Trust me.

WorraLiberty · 20/12/2015 12:34

Well I have to say you sound a bit cold and calculating yourself OP.

But I'm glad you've blocked him now anyway.

Samaritan1 · 20/12/2015 13:05

You knowingly slept with a married man, op that is despicable.**

Excellent, well done on the "no judgement" request Confused

Op, you are not the first to fall for this, nor will you be the last. Some men can make women feel that they've fallen hard before anything physical even happens. They are narcissists - they need their wife as a respectable front, but are constantly targeting other women, not just for sex, but for adoration, there's nothing that can be done, they can't change.

He sounds completely vile and you've had a lucky escape. As others have said "baggage reclaim" is by far the best resource to help you. Search for an article on there about cheaters - it explains how their minds work far more eloquently than I could.

Hope you feel better soon, definitely see a counsellor to discuss this relationship - you can find ways to protect yourself from this kind of man in the future. Good luck.

BucketOfColdWater · 20/12/2015 13:35

Redjellybean- could you advise where to find this - try loveshack in the forum for 'the other woman'
Good luck OP.

TheWoodenSpoonOfMischief · 20/12/2015 13:44

Well done for blocking him.
Try www.meetup.com to rebuild your social life.
Do an evening course, take up exercising, get into a box set. Start filling your time up with things you want to do and meeting people.

TempusEedjit · 20/12/2015 13:55

bucket I googled "loveshack forum other woman" and it was the first result that came up.

I had a quick skim through - it's like reading the exact same story over and over again! It almost made me feel sorry for them in a way.

theredjellybean · 20/12/2015 14:00

hi all...didnt know whether its ok to post other websites on here in exact form, but seems you found it ..those that looked , and yes it is sad reading.

OP ...i dont think he is actually sat there thinking ' a ha...an easy woman to fool...i will tell how i love her and she will jump into bed with me..then she will just be naive enough to do whatever is suggest...cackle in evil manner'

but the bottom line is most men and women who conduct extra marital affairs are looking out for their own interests only ! and as you know the attention is intoxicatingly addictive, and he felt it too and doesnt want to go cold turkey on that but he is also NOT LEAVING EVER...most dont...he no doubt loves his wife/life more, so his way of keeping both is to have you on the side.

Devilishpyjamas · 20/12/2015 14:01

I doubt his wife even knows she was left. Poor woman. You've had a lucky escape.

Original poster
Fckup · 20/12/2015 16:25

I think he did tell her, not sure about whether he left her now tbh. Why would she still want to save their marriage? Surely if he's had 2 affairs and numerous 'party fumbles' as he described them, then he is going to carry on with someone else? How can you trust someone again?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fckup · 20/12/2015 16:30

I don't see how he loves his wife at all redjellybean, to be married for almost 10 years and to have had 2 affairs in that time doesn't, I hope, equal love. Plus he's supposedly trying to make his marriage work whilst keeping me on the side, as long as I was ok 'sharing'. If that's love, I am staying single and I'll become a mad cat lady when my kids have left home.

OP posts:
honeyroar · 20/12/2015 16:32

He only loves himself.

Helmetbymidnight · 20/12/2015 16:36

Your sudden concern for his wife is very um moving, op.

Just move on, get internet dating maybe, try a new hobby, write him a letter but don't send it!

exWifebeginsat40 · 20/12/2015 16:45

I fell in love with a married man. he had had numerous affairs during his marriage and I was the one he left her for.

it took him 10 years, but he met someone new and exciting and was with her when he wasn't with me.

I wasn't different and special - I had no self esteem and he liked that. I am so much happier now - it's been 2 years and it was hell to start with but I'm glad he's gone.

ignore, ignore, ignore. let him use someone else to stroke his ego - and I'm willing to bet he already has at least one other person doing exactly that.

and put any idea of telling his wife out of your head. it won't help anyone.

StoptheRavelry · 20/12/2015 16:46

OMG he is such a wanker. I hope you manage to stay away from him. He is throwing you crumbs, he doesn't care about you at all, only himself...would you treat someone this way if you really cared about their feelings?

No, of course not.

He's a slimeball and I feel very sorry for his wife too.

Original poster
Fckup · 20/12/2015 16:59

I wouldn't dream of telling her, exwife, even if I knew how to contact her. I've done enough damage already, she's hardly going to listen to me or want to hear what I have to say. Hopefully she will wise up and leave him. I'm feeling appallingly guilty Helmet, the reality of what I've done has hit me. I'm feeling so much better already, I doubt she is, and if she is then I think there will be more heartache in store for her.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 20/12/2015 17:00

He doesn't love anyone. And never will. He's an opportunist. Thinks with his penis. Says lots of stuff to get a shag.

Unfortunately there are lots of suckers like his wife and you who will go back for more.

Cabrinha · 20/12/2015 18:51

So you knew about the numerous party fumbles too?

How did you ever think he thought you were a soulmate and not just a hole?

Original poster
Fckup · 20/12/2015 20:27

Cabrinha - im horrified that part of me still believes him about being soulmates. Im remaining strong in going NC as I think he'd still cheat on me. I'm finding a counsellor in the new year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fckup · 23/12/2015 07:57

His wife has messaged me, asking if I want to talk could I give her my mobile number - I texted him to tell him, he still says he wants me! Words fail me to be honest - how can someone be given a second chance with his wife, yet want to keep a bit on the side? That's not love, for either of us. She is only 39, she seems lovely. I told her that I've blocked him and wishes her the best. She has my number ...if she asks anything I feel I should answer truthfully no matter how painful it is for her as she's been lied to enough but I'm not thinking clearly really as my anxiety is shocking at the moment so would appreciate some of your wise advice.

OP posts:
RealityCheque · 23/12/2015 08:08

Well this just got weird....

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