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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need some nonjudgmental hand holding please

119 replies

Fckup · 19/12/2015 12:18

I realise I may get flamed for this but I need some help....I stupidly slept with a married man. Not once but on 3 occasions. We felt like soulmates. I knew he was married with 2 children and I told him to leave her or I wasn't interested. He left her, he felt relieved and as he hadn't been happy for 8 years including a 15 month long affair with someone else it seemed like The right decision. That was on Wednesday. Yesterday he went back to try and save his marriage. I'm devastated, not because of this but the way he has used me. I got too involved, I've no real friends, my kids are growing up and are at their dads this weekend and over Christmas. I don't know how to get over him.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 23/12/2015 09:00

Nice of you to give him a heads-up, eh.

rockabillyruby82 · 23/12/2015 09:31

Great job of blocking him to then message him!
No, don't be truthful. It makes no difference, doesn't change what has happened and will only cause more pain. It's for him to be honest with her, not you.
Take yourself out of the situation. Whatever happens with their marriage it is none of your concern or business.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/12/2015 09:31

I think you've done the right thing regarding the wife.

Anyway.... you say that you were in an abusive relationship for 15 years.
Did you ever do the Freedom Programme?
If not then contact Womens Aid today and enrol to attend the course.
You need it very much and you will meet other women who have been through similar to you. You will help each other and no doubt make friends.
Someone else up thread suggested meetup.com
There will be loads of groups in your area meeting up to do different things.
Some social, some sports, some walking groups etc.....
Get out there and meet some new people.

Don't contact him again. No matter what happens. No heads-up or anything like that.
Be the better person. Answer his wife as honestly and as sympathetically as you can without causing too much hurt.

Wristy · 23/12/2015 10:46

It sounds as if you want to continue to tangle yourself up in this mess.
DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH HIM. It seems his wife contacted you for a reason, you agreed to talk to her if she found it necessary and/useful, BUT then you told him. From his wife's point of view it just looks as if you're both getting your stories straight before you talk to her.
BLOCK HIM AND DELETE- but only if you don't want to continue to be used by this wanker.

winkywinkola · 23/12/2015 11:14

It sounds to me like you're almost enjoying being involved in their marriage like this.

The poor wife. She's hoping your lies will match his lies and she can reduce her pain.

Just keep your nose out, move on and stop adding to the damage. You know the score now and if you carry on, it means that you are actively seeking to hurt people as well as that creepy man you think is so marvellous.

TooSassy · 23/12/2015 11:31

Op. This is about as judgement free as I get.

Pull your head out of the sand. You're not his soulmate. You're nothing important to him. You're part of a mid life crisis, at best a place for him to get his rocks off. Stop going on and on about him wanting you. And wanting to be with you. He doesn't want to be with you!!!!

You have to build your self esteem and social network. Your entire focus right now should be on you. Not him, you. You need to figure out why you let this happen and what you need to do to not fall for someone like this again.

He doesn't want you OP. He wants the game. And his poor wife is hopefully not doing the pick me dance. Lying motherfucker.

NotNowBono · 23/12/2015 12:02

Come on. His wife's messaged you because she's found out and he's messaged you to get you all ready to welcome him with open arms when his bags hit the doorstep on Boxing Day, followed by his arse.

Don't get involved.
Block them both.

He is a man who'd walk out on his 2 children a few days before Christmas. Do you honestly want someone like that as your 'soulmate'? There's much better out there for you.

Jan45 · 23/12/2015 12:08

OFGS block them both if you have any self worth at all.

You are the classic OW and don't give a shit about his wife so stop pretending, don't use it as an excuse to get back at him.

Work on yourself, you clearly have very low self esteem to think 3 shags meant you were soul mates, honestly.

He must be loving it, I bet he's no Brad Pitt either lol.

IrianofWay · 23/12/2015 13:57

So sorry that you are hurting OP but......he is a nasty toad! Take his loss gratefully as an early christmas present.

AgathaF · 23/12/2015 14:07

Fucking hell - he doesn't love either of you, only himself.

I'm glad his wife knows though. No-one deserves to be deceived like that.

Original poster
Fckup · 26/12/2015 14:21

I don't think his wife does know the full extent, she thinks he ended it with me and had no further contact, not that he was sending me erotic texts, trying to find an excuse to get away to meet me and trying to keep me on long term as his bit on the side. How can someone deceive his wife to that extent? She thinks he's trying to save his marriage, he's no intention of it if he still wants a mistress...he's just trying to maintain the facade of happily married man with loving wife and children, the fact I've blocked him isn't going to stop him with someone else though.

OP posts:
hefzi · 26/12/2015 15:21

Really- block both of them, and don't be that woman, OP. Yes, he will just do it again - but it's not up to you to interfere further in their marriage now that you've told him she contacted you. You getting in touch with her will just make you sound like a woman with no dignity, and he will play that up to her, that you are lying and bitter etc - and if she wants to keep him, she may choose to believe him. Your further involvement won't end well for any of you- honestly.

Original poster
Fckup · 26/12/2015 16:10

They're blocked, I've no intention of getting involved. I can't believe people can lie to that extent though, it's put me off relationships altogether.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 26/12/2015 20:45

Well, perhaps it's not a bad idea if it puts you off affairs with married men forever? Hmm

Clearly the timeline here is:

  • he wants another hole to fuck
  • you fall for his soulmate bullshit despite knowing he's a serial cheat and oblige
  • she finds out and threatens to dump him
  • he tells you he's leaving her for you, so he has a bed and a hole lined up
  • she wobbles and doesn't kick him out immediately
  • he says he's trying to make it work (but tries to keep that hole ready in case she goes through with dumping him, or in case he can still get away with fucking you anyway)

HE WAS NEVER LEAVING HER.

springydaffs · 26/12/2015 21:48

wants to meet up now and then for some amazing fucking!!!! He said I have to be willing to share???

Most men/people pay for that, he wants it free.

He really is a revolting specimen. He chose you bcs he knew you were vulnerable.

He is a vile piece of work.

Original poster
Fckup · 28/12/2015 22:46

I am despairing, he has emailed me. I blocked his number, he doesn't have Facebook so no need to do anything with that but we work in the same field and he must have got my email from there. Same content as the erotic texts, offering to book a hotel room for the afternoon but in my name as 'too dangerous' in his. Would it be awful to let him book it and once I've got the email confirmation, tell him if he contacts me again I'm sending it to his wife? I'm trying to get over the shit, he reiterated about sharing him? Who does he think he is? Or me for that matter?

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 28/12/2015 23:12

NO. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

If you react IN ANY WAY you are giving him what he wants.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/12/2015 08:43

You should be able to block his email.
I'd reply first saying - Go Fuck yourself, if you contact me again I will forward any messages onto your wife.

Then just leave it at that.

Cabrinha · 29/12/2015 11:19

I would send it to his wife, without even warning him you were going to.

OnADarkDesertHighway · 29/12/2015 12:58

I am in no position to criticise you but you come over as enjoying the drama. Why do you need to let him book a room. You do not need to do that unless you wish to continue to engage with him. You have enough with the email if you want evidence for his wife. Just block and ignore if you are serious about it being over. Otherwise be honest with yourself about how you feel. Are you still hoping they will split up.

Original poster
Fckup · 29/12/2015 14:54

Onadark no way, not interested at all. The support I've had on here has made me realise I do not want him in my life. I've plans on how to rebuild my self esteem including the freedom programme. He is not part of my present or future.

OP posts:
OnADarkDesertHighway · 30/12/2015 13:12

Good to hear it OP. Well done.

katiemorovsky · 30/12/2015 16:26

For what it's worth I would send the email to his wife. She should know what she's dealing with too.

Fckup · 30/12/2015 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Fckup · 31/12/2015 22:58

I have sent his wife a message on LinkedIn and told him what I've told her. He has gone into orbit as now he has no choice but to leave her. I feel awful, I have wrecked their family by telling her but I figured she had a right to know what he was like. She thought he was trying to save their marriage, he wanted keep me on the side. Not how I wanted to go into the new year feeling so low but at least a line has been drawn now.

OP posts: