Need some nonjudgmental hand holding please

[Fckup]

I realise I may get flamed for this but I need some help....I stupidly slept with a married man. Not once but on 3 occasions. We felt like soulmates. I knew he was married with 2 children and I told him to leave her or I wasn't interested. He left her, he felt relieved and as he hadn't been happy for 8 years including a 15 month long affair with someone else it seemed like The right decision. That was on Wednesday. Yesterday he went back to try and save his marriage. I'm devastated, not because of this but the way he has used me. I got too involved, I've no real friends, my kids are growing up and are at their dads this weekend and over Christmas. I don't know how to get over him.

Hopefully you can put a line under it and walk away. I don't think 'he has no choice but to leave her'. The ball is in her court now surely so she gets to decide what happens? At least she can make a decision knowing all the facts.
He sounds like a truly horrible man. Hopefully this means that you and his wife will be to remove his toxic presence from your lives.
Good luck op - 2016 can only get better!

Thank you Katie, yes I didn't understand why he said that..maybe she'd already told him it was his only chance. He is horrid isn't he? I'm pleased I've drawn a line under it but it still hurts.

She can make her decision based on facts now. She deserves the chance to do that.

Now walk away and have no more contact with the slimeball.

Agatha, that's what i thought. How could she be making such an effort according to him, when he still wanted to keep me and was trying hard to get me. Maybe he will finally have learnt and they'll make a go of it but at least she knows.

I really really hope that's a typo?
You wonder if she is really making an effort?

I read it as meaning the wife was making the effort to get the marriage back on track because she thought he was too. Only he isn't.

Yes, I spoke to him and he said she's giving him lots of attention and sex!!

Why are you still speaking to him?

Agatha yep that's it basically. She's made so much effort, lie ins, lots of sex etc. all the time he was trying to shag me. I couldn't not tell her, I feel sick about what I've done but at least now she can face what he is like. If she still wants to make a go of it then good luck to her. If not at least she knows what he is like and hopefully won't regret leaving him.

Moment of weekness Jones. Just made me hurt but decided me on telling her.

So you were still communicating with him - then decided to tell her - then decided to communicate some more with him?

Wow. That's a lot of involvement for someone who is not going to get involved.

I am involved. I don't want to be but I basically caused this.

Ah well today is a good day for new beginnings...

You've burnt the bridges now- that's good- there are er plenty more bridges over the sea?!

You're being a drama queen now Fckup.
You've told him it's over.
You've told her what a shit he is trying to still have sex with you (I don't care whether you did that for worthy reasons or not, important thing is she knows)

But the hand wringing "I basically caused this". No. Get over yourself.
He CAUSED it, because he's a worthless piece of shit that doesn't care about either of you, only himself. You were only ever an enabling hole, not the cause - he would have fucked someone else if not you. Well, he probably did and he certainly will again.

So walk away from the drama now. You did a bad thing, you learned your lesson. By continuing contact with him and giving yourself more than a bit part in the shitty drama that is the poor wife's life, you're are staying involved with this.

Be dignified, walk away now.

You're loving the drama and the attention and until you stop getting your kicks out of living on the fringes of someone else's life, there's no point in asking for help or advice.

I'm ready to walk away. I don't know how! I'm coming to accept that I was nothing but a hole. But that hurts, and I don't want to accept it. I wanted him to love me.

Well he didn't.

And really you need to spend some time on yourself figuring out why you believed a man who had serial affairs and 'fumbles' when he said you were soul mates.

You do know how to walk away. It's not a big secret. You stop contacting him.

You can do it. But you won't.

Nobody can help with that.

I wanted him to love me

I'm sure his wife feels much the same way only far far worse.

Grow up and stop contacting him.

I am involved. I don't want to be but I basically caused this - no you didn't. You're giving yourself far too much credit and importance here. He's a shit, you happened to be there and convenient.

I wanted him to love me - and you still do want this. Which is why you are still over involving yourself in his/their life.

Please, stop over thinking it. Stop trying to weave a fantasy that isn't going to happen, even if he does leave her and come to you swearing undying love. The man's an unfaithful prick. I doubt you were the first and I doubt you'll be the last. Work on your self esteem. Understand that you've had a lucky escape with minimal damage.

On your other thread you wrote How do I go forward and stop hurting so much?

Staying in contact with him won't help you do this will it?

I actually think you believe that now his wife knows about the affair he will be free to be with you. Hence keeping in contact with him, secretly hoping he'll choose you now.

If he does come running to you now, it won't be because he loves you and has chosen you, but because his poor wife has booted him out.

Sadly I think your self esteem is so low that you'll settle for that.

Even more sad is the fact that as he is someone who has had affairs prior to the one with you, it is hugely likely that he will cheat on you eventually too. Deep down you know this too.

When that happens maybe you will have some real empathy for his wife rather than this fake, woe-is-me, I'm so sad, I'm the cause of this happening BS that you're currently spouting.

Keeping in contact with this miserable excuse for a man has completely undermined any credibility for those claims.

You wanted non-judgemental hand-holding from people. Forget that now.

I am judging you, not because you had an affair, but because you seem determined to carry on acting in such a spineless, selfish, pathetic, drama-loving manner.

Everything that Jones said!

You're romanticising it. You're also giving him a heads up about your communication with his wife in order to try and win hin back. He hurt his wife. You just happened to be the next hole he decided to put his (possibly diseased) cock into. Stop meddling in their business. If he does go back to you it won't be his choice. He'll still be trying to get his wife back. If he doesn't he'll probably be shagging the next one.

You're both right. I need to dig deep and walk away, no matter how much I think that doing so isn't right for me. I can't believe my self esteem is so low, until you said it, I probably would have taken him if he came to me. I just need to find some f'ing strength. I wish kids were back at school and I was back at work.

Just try and think about if you had a daughter and she was in this situation. Take the advice that you would give her.

What the fuck.

If you really felt bad you wouldn't have sent a text him to warn him his wife had messaged you. You still want loves young dream. Grow up.

You wanted him to love you??!! HE's A MARRIED MAN!! Well a married lying, cheating, prick!

You are a very very selfish, self-centred woman if you actually want to take a man away from his wife and children!!! Asshole or not!

From all you've written I really do think that some part of you is getting an ego boost you believing he wants you more than his wife?! Well lucky you, you managed to pull a prize wanker. Sorry but you really need to sort yourself out.