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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help....i'm cold

98 replies

coldasicenow · 08/12/2015 12:30

i'm 70 now, and feel the cold.
*every single winter the arguments begin, sometimes escalating to almost walking out....but got nowhere to go....
*my (d)h doesn't feel the cold, shorts t shirts all year round.
*He hates it when I turn the heating on/up.
last night I was cold.
*he saw me turning the heating on, and a massive row ensured.
*I told him for years he has had numerous medical ailments, which I supported/cared/discussed/hospital appointments/gp's and so on, always being kind and sympathetic.
*But, when I am cold, he hits the roof, he says "you are always cold, blah blah blah"
*I hardly slept last night, as we aren't talking , the argument spinning round my headhe won't accept I feel the cold.
*I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.
*I tried ignoring him, but he "creeps" to where the thermostat is, and "secretly" turns it down then I feel cold again.
*what can I do, every year it's the same?

OP posts:
patterkiller · 08/12/2015 12:40

Oh I feel for you. I feel the cold terribly but DH knows that, and wouldn't think about being angry with me.

Can you try to explain to him that if he imagines in the height of summer you insisted he sit in a very overheated room. How uncomfortable would he be? That's the feeling I get when I'm cold.

frustratedashell · 08/12/2015 12:41

Is it to do with finances? Or is he just horrible?

pocketsaviour · 08/12/2015 12:43

OP did you post about this last year? It sounds very familiar.

Sighing · 08/12/2015 12:49

Is his blood pressure elevated? My gran and grandad had an annual standoff over the heating from as young as I remember!
They never resolved it.

Original poster
coldasicenow · 08/12/2015 12:54

nothing to do with finances at all.

I think (though he would deny it) that it was the way he was brought up...turn the lights off etc...

but I just don't know how to handle it, yet again.

if I sit in the cold, everything is fine, but the minute i go to the switch, it kicks off.

Then after maybe a couple of days of a bad atmosphere, he promises he "won't say a thing", but he always does.
all fucking winter long.

I tried ignoring him, then suddenly feel a chill, check the stat, and yep, he's turned it down again.

I appreciate we are all different, but hate having cold hands (thick jumpers, warm socks etc)
just why doesn't he see I Am Fucking Cold.

OP posts:
ILiveAtTheBeach · 08/12/2015 14:29

You could try sitting in separate rooms in the evening? You in one with a fire on?! Him in one with no heating. Not very do-able though, if you enjoy your evenings together. Or, you could try a heated shawl. They look quite good actually!

BlackeyedSusan · 08/12/2015 14:36

it is not too late to leave the bastard and live in warmth. (my aunt divorced in her seventies)

he dies not care about your health and well being.

ouryve · 08/12/2015 14:40

Have you asked him why he undermines your autonomy and doesn't respect your need for comfort?

CheersMedea · 08/12/2015 14:55

This may sound silly but have you thought of investing in a serious fleece jumper/jacket. The kind that makes it feel like your clothes are giving you a hug.

I have one that I bought in Africa on safari and is designed for African nights which get very cold. It is unbelievably warm - it's too warm to wear indoors in the UK for any length of time - so I would imagine would be just the ticket for you.

This isn't the one I have but this kind of thing - specialist fleece for cold weather. I'm sure if you google you'll find others.

www.thesafaristore.co.uk/products/mens/safari-fleeces-and-gilets/all/new-mens-rufiji-safarielite-bonded-ls-fleece

IrianofWay · 08/12/2015 15:04

It may well be that he feels too hot. I am like that. Unless I am ill I am always warm and when the heating is turned up high I feel like I am about to faint with the heat. There isn't much you can do about that as you can only take off so many clothes - at least you have the option of putting more on. However I can see it's a problem I just wanted to point out that it can be just as unpleasant the other way round.

Hope you find some middle ground.

Vagabond · 08/12/2015 15:05

It's your house too. You should feel comfortable. He is being selfish and wrong to deny your comfort in your own home.

Do you have a log fire in any room? If it were me, I'd create a comfortable room for myself with warmth (a space heater, a space oil heater can be really effective), or at least a warm space in a communal room so that you can be comfy.
I hate being in a cold house. It's hostile and doesn't feel like home. It sounds like you won't remedy his stealth on the heating dial so do something you can control such as putting a space heater near where you normally sit.

Or - how about you turn the radiators off in most of the rooms but keep it on in the room where you spend your evenings.

The best thing is to REALLY explain to him how you feel and try to find a solution that works best for both of you.

I frigging hate being cold. My MIL used to sit in a freezing house every day until 4pm when the fire was lit and didn't care that we all sat around in our coats until the magical fire-lighting moment!

Original poster
coldasicenow · 08/12/2015 16:00

the house is open plan, and it doesn't feel like a comfy home at all when it's chilly at night.

I don't think at my age I should sit in ,say my bedroom all evening to keep
warm.

it's laminate floors which doesn't help.

I have explained calmly/angrily/begging but he just laughs and says...you are always cold.....

I always have a thick jumper etc on, but I refuse to wear gloves when I am watching tv, my hands get so cold like blocks of ice.
if I have a bath in the evening I can't just put on jimjams/dressing gown as it's too cold.
i'm just not comfortable in my home.
why won't/cant he feel empathy for me.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 08/12/2015 16:15

Because he is a selfish arse! Why does he get to be the one who is comfortable in the house?

Is there any room (apart from the bedroom) which isn't open plan that you could close off and heat up and sit in with your laptop/whatever and watch some TV?

Get some friends/family round and prime them to complain about how cold it is (they might be too polite otherwise).

If you feel you can't LTB then try not doing certain things he expects you to do - I dunno - cooking/laundry and then laugh and say "oh you are always hungry ... you are always wanting clean clothes ..." and chortle away like he does.

I looked for a Billy Connolly clip where he has the whole family sitting with their feet in one of these - but I couldn't find it.

Selfish spanners like your DH REALLY annoy me.

help....i'm cold
Original poster
coldasicenow · 08/12/2015 16:23

yes, he is selfish to the extent that it's me, me, me all the time.

last year my dd visited, she lives abroad, she kept whispering to me it's cold here, I pretended It wasn't just to avoid an argument.

the only room I could use is the bedroom, but why the hell should I watch tv on laptop when he has the plasma.

I just don't know what to do.

this happened last night, been arguing all day, then he just mocks me or refuses to talk, or walks away.
we are no nearer resolving it since last night/year etc.

OP posts:
KeepOnMoving1 · 08/12/2015 16:30

Oh op, with all respect at 70 years of age you are entitled to crank up the heating all you want. Seems like your dh has missed the point about making the most of life. If it's not down to finances, then he's just miserable and selfish and why should you live that way. Turn it up, let him have his hissy fit and ignore Him. You don't deserve to be cold Flowers

Garlick · 08/12/2015 16:33

i'm just not comfortable in my home.
why won't/cant he feel empathy for me.

Oh, poor you. It's miserable. Cold makes me cry! And fleeces, etc, aren't the answer because your hands & face are still cold - and why should anybody be wrapped up for snow inside the house?

I'm going to take a massive guess here - is this all about control? HE is King of HIS Castle, and heaven help any of his subjects (you) who question his authority!

In my experience, domestic dictators get a lot worse as they age. I'm sixty, and some of my friends are married to right bastards.

Frankly, I recommend you divorce him. Who the bloody hell wants to spend their final 20 years or so cowering inside a pile of blankets and being governed by a petty rule-master? Go and see some solicitors, get clued up on how it works.

He might buck his ideas up if he realises you really have had enough. If not - well, think about being in control of your own thermostat every winter!

patterkiller · 08/12/2015 16:34

Buy a blow heater for I front of the plasma and shove him in the bedroom to watch the laptop every other night. You both live there not just him.

Original poster
coldasicenow · 08/12/2015 16:34

once he has had his strop, which happens every time I even look at the thermostat, he makes faces ,mutters, makes me feel so uncomfortable, then it either escalates, then after a couple of days he "promises" he won't say anything again, but he does.

sometimes it gets to the point even if I am cold, I don't put the heating on, preferring that to another argument.

I wish I had family around, then I would have support, and he would just shut up.
I am alone...no one to stand up for me....

OP posts:
MissApple · 08/12/2015 16:40

I'm sorry for you my lovely, perhaps you need to just get rid and live on your own where you can crank the heating up. No good just threatening it, you have to mean it.. lifes too short to be uncomfortable for ever!

Garlick · 08/12/2015 16:45

What else does he play his face about?

CheersMedea · 08/12/2015 16:59

Hang on a minute - to all the people calling him selfish... to play devil's advocate for a moment.

There is a difference of opinion between two people - one wants the temperature hotter, one wants it cooler.

Why is it he is selfish whereas the OP isn't? It would be just as selfish for her to have the house hot and him be uncomfortable.

And actually of the two - a hot person can't get cool easily whereas a cold person can put on layers.

It is horrible being in a room you find too hot. I'm not sure it's clear that either are selfish tbh; they just have different temperature needs.

I would incline towards blow heater for you - directed towards you. That way he gets to be cool in his part of the room and you get to be warm in yours.

Hillfarmer · 08/12/2015 16:59

He is a bully. And he is bullying you. This is just the tip of an iceberg isn't it?

Because what he is saying to you by behaving like this is:

'I don't care if you're cold because I don't care about you. I do not respect your feelings because I do not respect you.'

That's it isn't it? And you have been suffering this for years. The fact is, he is a shit all year round, it's just that in winter it gets so extreme (i.e deeply, undeniably, physically uncomfortable for you) that you actually stand up for yourself. Then he kicks off. Of course it's all fine when you do exactly what he wants.

This is not a nice man. No redeeming features make up for controlling, nasty, manipulative, dismissive, sulking, vicious, contemptuous behaviour towards you.

It's an LTB from me.

Hillfarmer · 08/12/2015 17:03

Just read your post CheersMedea. Have you read the thread? No, please don't play devils advocate. There is a difference of opinion between two people - one who gives a shit, and one who is an abusive bully.

This isn't just about hot and cold, have you read the bits where OP talks about his aggression/hostility/mocking/sulking/angry? It's classic EA stuff, we are no longer in 'not put-another-jumper-on' territory. Really.

ImperialBlether · 08/12/2015 17:08

OP, could you move to live near your daughter?

thegiddylimit · 08/12/2015 17:15

Ignoring your rerlationship for a moment could either of you have a health condition that is affecting how you feel temperature. E.g. are you anaemic or very underweight or have a heart problem? My grandfather really felt the cold as he got older because his heart wasn't as strong as it use toe. Of course if your DD felt the cold that suggests that it's probably not your heart that's the issue.

Agree with others that a heater directed at you to keep you warm is a good idea although he'll maybe start complaining about the noise!