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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

help....i'm cold

98 replies

coldasicenow · 08/12/2015 12:30

i'm 70 now, and feel the cold.
*every single winter the arguments begin, sometimes escalating to almost walking out....but got nowhere to go....
*my (d)h doesn't feel the cold, shorts t shirts all year round.
*He hates it when I turn the heating on/up.
last night I was cold.
*he saw me turning the heating on, and a massive row ensured.
*I told him for years he has had numerous medical ailments, which I supported/cared/discussed/hospital appointments/gp's and so on, always being kind and sympathetic.
*But, when I am cold, he hits the roof, he says "you are always cold, blah blah blah"
*I hardly slept last night, as we aren't talking , the argument spinning round my headhe won't accept I feel the cold.
*I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.
*I tried ignoring him, but he "creeps" to where the thermostat is, and "secretly" turns it down then I feel cold again.
*what can I do, every year it's the same?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2015 17:28

Your H is cold hearted. He does not care about you at all.

Why are you together?.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Jan45 · 08/12/2015 17:47

To the poster who thinks your OH is being reasonable - really, you would happily leave a person in your home at the age of 70 to sit shivering with cold - your argument has no water, if he is too warm he only needs to put a t-shirt and shorts on, simple, that way both are happy no?

OP, you really need to get away from this arsehole, keeping you cold out of some sense of control over you is neither love or kindness, it's actually bullying and nasty.

Up to you, I wouldn't tolerate this, I'd be moving into my own place where I don't have to shake with coldness, fgs.

No point in talking anymore, HE knows how you feel, he chooses to ignore it and add to your discomfort.

Dowser · 08/12/2015 17:55

Thing is its not just about feeling cold, it's how cold and damp the house gets when there's no heating been on.

That can lead to all sorts of chest conditions.

I wouldnt tolerate it anymore. That's a miserable existence.

I'd be telling him that he's had it all his own way or too long. I'm having the heating on and if he doesn't like it he can lump it. Can you turn a radiator off in one room that he can sit in.

Comfort wise you need an ambient temp if about 72 degrees. Hallways etc included.

Has he always been like this.

pocketsaviour · 08/12/2015 18:00

last year my dd visited, she lives abroad, she kept whispering to me it's cold here, I pretended It wasn't just to avoid an argument.

So two out of the three people in the house were uncomfortable, but both had to defer to Mr Thermostat Police Officer?

It's horrible to think that he wouldn't want his wife and his own daughter, FFS, to be comfortable. And for her to have to whisper that she was cold, presumably in fear of an outburst? What an unpleasant little man.

Joysmum · 08/12/2015 18:22

Get one of those halogen heaters. The one that doesn't heat the room but does heat whoever is in front of it.

Original poster

coldasicenow · 08/12/2015 18:31

I wish I could leave right now.no family in this country at all.if I told my daughter she would come over and sort him out, but then have to go back and I would be back to square one.all I want him to say, in an ideal world, is a hug and him to say oh your hands are freezing,I,ll make you a tea and turn the heat up.haha, ain't gonna happen.will have a massive think with myself

OP posts:

Toffeelatteplease · 08/12/2015 18:32

What is the thermostat on? What would you like the thermostat to be on for you to feel warm? Where is the thermostat?

See if the thermostat was on 19 and you wanted it on 21, I would say you needed to compromise. If he has the temperature on 15 and you want it on 18 then he needs to compromise.

Seriously move. You are are unlikely to feel warm in an open plan house... not cosy enough. Or get some form of radient heat in.

ImperialBlether · 08/12/2015 18:38

I don't think the heating is on at all, Toffee. The OP has to go to bed to get warm.

Jan45 · 08/12/2015 18:38

Never heard so much BS, you have to now compromise over a thermostat - fuck that, you are shivering with cold but are meant to compromise over it.........wtaf......

I bet nobody hardly visits - cos they know they are going to be freezing their arses off, just like the OPs daughter did.

Garlick · 08/12/2015 18:40

Medea: every time I even look at the thermostat, he makes faces ,mutters, makes me feel so uncomfortable, then it escalates, then after a couple of days he "promises" he won't say anything again, but he does.

Is this your idea of a reasonable difference of opinion?

sometimes it gets to the point even if I am cold, I don't put the heating on, preferring that to another argument. I am alone...no one to stand up for me ... she kept whispering to me it's cold here, I pretended it wasn't just to avoid an argument.

Does this sound to you like a woman who is confident in her relationship and whose partner is a kind person?

Original poster

coldasicenow · 08/12/2015 18:40

Even though it,s a new and well insulated house, I still feel cold.
I didn't,t even want/like this house but he kept on he wanted it.
So even there he bullied me.
He is just sitting there ,couldn't care less how I feel.
His father was exactly the same, me, me, me I told him he has turned into him, he just laughed in my face.
My hands are cold, going to bed.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 08/12/2015 18:41

I'd have a good long look at how I wanted to spend my remaining years. You do know he won't take care of you if you become ill, don't you? You've proven you will take care of him; he won't even let you have the heating on when you're freezing cold; there's no way he'd be taking you on hospital visits, cooking for you and doing your washing if you were ill.

I'd look at the finances. I'd go to the Citizen's Advice Bureau and ask them for financial guidance - what would you be entitled to if you split up? Would you be able to afford your own home? Would you want to stay in the local area or would you want to move abroad? You could get a lovely warm apartment without anyone to aggravate you.

Have a good think about it - weigh up the pros and cons of staying with this man.

Garlick · 08/12/2015 18:44

He's a bully, cold, and a nasty one at that.

Do you have your own money? Could you just bugger off to a hotel for a bit, bask in the warmth and have a proper think with your daughter's help?

Original poster

coldasicenow · 08/12/2015 18:45

No, he isn't,t kind at all.
As long as he is ok that,s all that matters.
Getting worse as he gets older.
I have three close friends but he dislikes them....haha of course....he has none.wish someone would just pick me up and take me away.
Nope, I must take control and sort it for myself.
I haven,t told anyone in rl how he is,but the time has come

OP posts:

Jan45 · 08/12/2015 18:45

Great advice Imperial. Feel right sorry for you OP, don't live like this, talk to your daughter, she will want to help you.

ImperialBlether · 08/12/2015 18:47

What does he spend the winter fuel allowance on?

Garlick · 08/12/2015 18:47

Oh, GOOD! I am so pleased to hear his time has come! He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve to be comfortable.

Imperial's advice is very sensible :)

ImperialBlether · 08/12/2015 18:49

Have you posted about this before, OP? I know I've read something a while ago about a very similar relationship.

hesterton · 08/12/2015 18:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

coldasicenow · 08/12/2015 19:02

I did stand at the stat, he laughed in my face as I turned it up.
Then later I found he had turned it down again.
It,s like a battle he needs to win,
Every every winter this happens without fail.
But the arguments that ensue exhaust me, I,m drained completely.
Going to bed.
Hardly slept last night with row spinning in my head.
Thank you for your replies, not just because they appear to confirm that at my age it,s ok to feel the cold now, but I,m not being unfair.

OP posts:

juneau · 08/12/2015 19:03

Well he sounds like an arse OP, but I do wish you'd stand up for yourself rather than whining that you have no one to stand up FOR you. I realise that you grew up in a generation where women were conditioned (in general), to be less assertive than nowadays, but you can't expect others to fight your corner. You chose to marry this man (a second marriage perhaps as you talk about 'my daughter', so I assume she isn't his?), so either stand by that choice and stand up for yourself, or decide that enough is enough and get this selfish man out of your life. Either way, the choice is yours, so own it and start owning your own life a bit more.

BitOutOfPractice · 08/12/2015 19:09

OP. It sounds like a miserable existence.

I'm glad you're waking up to this now. He is a horrible bully

Leelu6 · 08/12/2015 19:14

He is a bully. Your distress makes him feel good.

I hope you find a way out of this.

Topseyt · 08/12/2015 19:19

Cheers, the OP has said he strops, sulks and laughs at her.

That is mockery and is disrespectful at best.

It is the behaviour of someone who can't/won't see the point of view of another, and can't/won't consider compromising.

I do remember an almost identical thread last year. I am sure of it. Was that you, OP?

CharleyDavidson · 08/12/2015 19:27

This sounds miserable, OP.

I feel the cold, and DH is permanently warm. Wears tshirts when working out on the driveway in Dec.

He doesn't want the temp too high, but won't complain if I turn it up to 19 or 20 (always warmer upstairs than down in my house).

He jokingly laughs at how cold I am. How I can be snuggled up in bed for ages and still feel cold when he gets into bed.

He bought me a single sized electric blanket so my side warms up without baking him. And he lauged (nicely) when I brought home a heated throw. It's over my sofa and I sit leaning against it. It warms me up nicely and means the general temp in the room can be that bit cooler as I'm centrally heated myself.

Being mean about it is unneccesary though.

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