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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

help....i'm cold

98 replies

coldasicenow · 08/12/2015 12:30

i'm 70 now, and feel the cold.
*every single winter the arguments begin, sometimes escalating to almost walking out....but got nowhere to go....
*my (d)h doesn't feel the cold, shorts t shirts all year round.
*He hates it when I turn the heating on/up.
last night I was cold.
*he saw me turning the heating on, and a massive row ensured.
*I told him for years he has had numerous medical ailments, which I supported/cared/discussed/hospital appointments/gp's and so on, always being kind and sympathetic.
*But, when I am cold, he hits the roof, he says "you are always cold, blah blah blah"
*I hardly slept last night, as we aren't talking , the argument spinning round my headhe won't accept I feel the cold.
*I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this.
*I tried ignoring him, but he "creeps" to where the thermostat is, and "secretly" turns it down then I feel cold again.
*what can I do, every year it's the same?

OP posts:

Toffeelatteplease · 09/12/2015 08:47

In your opinion. But frankly neither of us can really tell from what's written anymore than we can tell what temperature the house is.

Personally I would suggest trying a radient halogen heater is a less radical option to leave the bastard and worth a try.

Russellgroupserf · 09/12/2015 08:53

Well he does sound horrid overall from your description and the thermostat has become a focus of your unhappiness.

We have thermostat wars but I'm the hot one and DH is the cold one. DS also feels hot all the time so we have compromised and DH wears a very nice thermal body warmer I bought him. We have our thermostat set at 19.

Regardless of Mr Mean have you ever looked in to if there is a medical reason for feeling very cold.

LittleCandle · 09/12/2015 09:07

If you really suffer from the cold, putting on extra layers doesn't help much - if at all. When I am really cold, I frequently dress like I am going to the Arctic and am still cold. Heat reflecting clothes do not work for me, as I don't generate enough body heat for that to work. Turning up the thermostat does help a bit, but I spend most of the year frozen. When it is cold and wet and windy like now, I really suffer. Cold can be agonizingly painful - sometimes one person has to compromise and wear less clothing to allow the other person to be a little warmer.

mix56 · 09/12/2015 09:17

what are you planning to do about this?
Why should you be miserable until the end of your days?
What is he like in the summer ? is he still vile ?
You deserve to be happy, it doesn't look like it can be with him. or you buy another plasma TV, a big hot heater & go & live in your bedroom, without him

BathtimeFunkster · 09/12/2015 09:27

I'm the hot (in all senses ) person in our house, and I disagree that it can be just a disagreement between temperature preferences.

In April, the warm-blooded person can win. In March or October. But in December?

No. In December it is cold enough that if you really suffer from warm temperatures you can take clothes off.

I don't believe this man is sitting around in his jocks while he bullies his wife into being so cold she is miserable.

We use money to subsidise elderly people's heating bills because it is recognised that it is dangerous for older people to get too cold.

A woman over 70 is so cold in her own house that she needs to either wear gloves or take to her bed.

And people are telling her it would be drastic to get away from the prick inflicting this on her.

Some people are very invested in women staying with men who treat them badly.

Original poster

coldasicenow · 09/12/2015 09:38

today it is warm in the house.
the stat is on at 20, the sun is shining through from back to front of the house.
so all is well.

but come late afternoon the downstairs through lounge becomes colder, that's when the problems begin.
even this morning H is outside with just shorts and thin t shirt, while I still have thick jumpers on.

he simply never feels the cold.
even when we have been in an extremely cold environment (Lapland) he was fine!
He is very "humble" this morning, apologetic, quite forlorn, and promising that it will never happen again, but I won't hold my breath.
at least the atmosphere isn't as freezing as it was yesterday.

OP posts:

Toffeelatteplease · 09/12/2015 11:16

What is the temperature when it does bother you? Can you heat the room to a temperature you are comfortable with?what are the heating sources in the room?

Radiant heat will do more to warm you if you generally feel the cold more than ambient. Layers are good but you need the heat to trap in the first place

Is he a shit generally? Is this the only area where there's a problem or is he difficult in other areas too.

Garlick · 09/12/2015 13:07

Toffee, I'm pretty gobsmacked by your replies. Let's say you like to soak in a hot bath. Your partner's got a thing about water conservation. For 25 years he has yelled at you, insulted you and given you the silent treatment if you as much as wash your face in running water. Your children are afraid to ask if they can shower; the answer will be angry refusal and more bullying.

For a quiet life, you've spent the entire 25 years having a flannel wash instead of a bath. The NHS concurs this is adequate personal hygiene.

Now you're at the beginning of your elder years. Your partner's water obsession is becoming more extreme. Should you choose to spend the whole of the rest of your life standing in a cold bathroom with a flannel every morning? Or should you fuck off to a place where you get your own bathroom and as many candle-lit soaks as you please?

... I'll point out that cold is genuinely harmful, where absence of bathing isn't. I'm trying to paint a picture you might find easier to understand.

Jan45 · 09/12/2015 13:19

I'd tell the old shit to go and get checked out, t-shirts and shorts in mid December - who does that?

He sounds a right old scrooge, he's probably cold too but too mean to put heating on.

Hillfarmer · 09/12/2015 13:22

Garlick - you're very well-intentioned in trying to re-frame the issue, but if Toffee is not going to RTFT or is failing to compute the extensive descriptions OP has given about her DH's extreme behaviour and how it makes her feel, then you ain't to get through. In my opinion.

Garlick · 09/12/2015 13:24

I fear you're right, Hill. Luckily, cold herself has got more of a clue.

WoodHeaven · 09/12/2015 13:31

cold I hope this will last.
I'm cold too (and nowehre near your age) and I kniow how hard it is when you are that cold.
DH is the same than your DH in that he doesn't feel the cold either...

It took me years putting me (very very cold ) hands under his tshirt for him to realise yes I AM cold.

ImperialBlether · 09/12/2015 13:33

Frankly, I'd be putting my very cold hands around this man's neck!

Toffeelatteplease · 09/12/2015 13:47

A room that's starts the day at 20°C in winter is being heated at somepoint in the day.

House's don't get that warm naturally in winter.

I'm not saying don't LTB. But anyone given any thought to the reality of what that actually means when you're a female in your seventies?

If life is generally shit by all means LTB. But if it's a stupid argument over heating it seems less radical and somewhat easier to see what affect solving the heating problems have first.

Jan45 · 09/12/2015 13:51

Have you read this whole thread toffee, it hardly sounds like a stupid argument!

Toffeelatteplease · 09/12/2015 13:58

Fact is the OP will either leave or won't. There's enough people saying LTB that I will happily leave it to them.

Fact is I would rather see her warm whether she leaves or not.

Garlick · 09/12/2015 14:19

But anyone given any thought to the reality of what that actually means when you're a female in your seventies?

Do enlighten us. What does it mean, that it wouldn't mean to a male in his seventies or a female in her fifties, say?

Jan45 · 09/12/2015 14:30

Yeah what has being in your 70s got to do with anything.

Hillfarmer · 09/12/2015 14:42

Ha ha ha ha! Imperial yay!

definitelybutter1 · 09/12/2015 14:47

Our south facing terrace will easily get to 20C in winter without heating. It's not that cold outside during the day, the double glazing traps the heat, the shared walls mean lots of insulation, it warms up.

Once the sun has set, however, it is a different matter.

Is it just the cold or is there other stuff where it is his way or nothing?

springydaffs · 09/12/2015 23:50

In my stupid house, the minute the sun starts to set a SERIOUS chill sets it, becoming Arctic by the time the sun goes down. Regardless how warmed by sun the house has been during the day. Makes absolutely no difference. I look longingly at eco new builds with front doors that go schhlup when you shut them.

Is he as outrageously bullying and thuggish about anything else?

ouryve · 10/12/2015 00:19

Good grief - at least in your 70s you have a guaranteed income in the form of a bot of state pension, even if you don't have the SHL that gets you some of your ex's pension and assets, too. And hopefully you don't have kids young and vulnerable enough that you'll worry about how to feed and clothe them.

ouryve · 10/12/2015 00:21

And agreeing about the time of day issue - have a N-S facing house. No heating required, during daylight, even in the depths of winter, when the sun shines. Fucking freezing on a dark, windy day, like today.

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