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Original poster

Who should pay?

82 replies

BeautifulLiar · 26/11/2015 13:01

Hi, not looking for flaming/judgement/LTB etc but some impartial views as I'm pregnant and hormonal!

DH moved out in April after I told him to. However we've managed to work through our problems and he is due to move back in imminently. I can't wait - the kids and I don't see much of him as he works away a lot and has been living with his parents.

Anyway when he moves back in I will obviously lose income support/housing benefit etc. By default I just expected him to start paying the rent, council tax and bills as soon as he moves back in, as he works and I don't.

However he has said that he's skint and will struggle to pay for a couple of months. I was really annoyed, and still am, but I'm wondering whether we should just go halves for a month or two?

He will be getting more income than me but I have managed to save a bit over the summer (had awful morning sickness and didn't leave the house).

I've decorated the house to my taste while he's been gone and he's never said anything about it - in other words the house has been completely mine so it would make sense to put money towards it?

I suppose I'm just pissed off that he's had this disposable income since April yet I will have to "help out" with the rent if he struggles. Is it fair?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 26/11/2015 13:02

While he has been away he has been paying regular maintenance and also paid for a housekeeper when my sickness was bad so he hasn't just kept all his money to himself. Most of it has gone on food/drink as he works away so much.

OP posts:
Bouncearound · 26/11/2015 13:04

I would suggest he doesn't move back in until he is prepared to pay towards his home and family. Also I would make sure you are still receiving any tax credits etc you're entitled to when he moved back in.

AliceInUnderpants · 26/11/2015 13:08

Surely you'd just revert back to how you managed finances before he moved out?

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 26/11/2015 13:08

He says he will pay but I'm worried he'll struggle and be too scared to tell me...

Also I want him here before our baby is born! if he's here a lot I don't want to be constantly worried that we're doing something wrong.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 26/11/2015 13:09

I would also tell him he can move in, only when he can cover my losses.
Until then he just visits and he has to go back to his parents to sleep.
Why should you lose out because he's moving in?
That makes no sense at all.
Just wait until he can actually afford to pay his way properly.
Keep your savings and keep adding to them.
You never know when you might need them in the future.
Do NOT subsidise him. It will just continue.

Epilepsyhelp · 26/11/2015 13:10

Well it sounds like he is going to be paying towards bounce - OP wants him to pay everything and he can only afford half. If you can contribute OP why on earth wouldn't you?

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 26/11/2015 13:10

Alice - that's EXACTLY what I said. In fact he is earning more now. I don't understand it. I know he took a loan out when he thought we weren't getting back together so is now paying that back. And he keeps saying Christmas and our wedding anniversary will set him back. Also he's just had two weeks on sick pay so is down a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 26/11/2015 13:13

Hells - trust me I don't want to lose income support etc but family security is priceless. Anyway if I'd posted saying "should DH and i carry on living separately so I can save some money?" I'd get destroyed!!

I don't know if he can afford half, or more. He's just worried about over night having hundreds to pay out, which I do understand..

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 26/11/2015 13:15

Surely having to pay towards the house hasn't come as a big surprise, what did he think would happen?

Also wondering though why you're expecting him to pay everything?

Cel982 · 26/11/2015 13:19

Surely if you're going to be living as a family again then you need to pool your money and prioritise spending from that? If either of you is unwilling to do that then maybe it's too soon for him to be moving back in. And if money is tight then surely things like wedding anniversary spending can be minimised for this year.

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 26/11/2015 13:32

God knows Kinky, he is a bit rubbish at looking too far into the future Confused luckily he has a lot of fantastic qualities!

He certainly wouldn't be paying for everything - when we lived together before I paid for food, everything for the DC, petrol, phone bill, water bill, and I've just paid for our caravan holiday next year as I got an unexpected back payment. I will not be askin him to contribute towards that if he can't

OP posts:
Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 26/11/2015 13:33

Cel - yeh we do need to have a joint account really. We just never have. My parents never did so it's not the done thing for me. Don't think DH has an issue with it though.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 26/11/2015 14:49

NO! For gods sake don't get a joint account! He's shit with money.

DH and I have been together for over 20 years and I'd never want a joint account, especially given all the stories on here where people get screwed over.

It's all about equality. All we do is calculate the household income, deduct household expenses plus a bit for luck and any remainder gets divided and goes to our personal accounts to spend as we see fit with no need to justify, ask or explain private spending decisions.

We each have our own savings accounts and can choose to save as little or as much as we like.

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 26/11/2015 15:58

Yeh I don't really like the idea of them, my money is mine Wink

OP posts:
Joysmum · 26/11/2015 16:19

Never understood why so many people on here push that a joint account is the way forwards. Too many instances of their partner stripping the account, whether planned or simply because they are shit with money. I like controlling my own money and not needing to talk about money at all other than to review income and bills and so shuts how much goes to our current accounts. We don't have any arguments about money because it's simple, predictable and fair.

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 26/11/2015 17:10

Yes I do wonder if we'd argue about every little transaction in a joint account...

OP posts:
Cel982 · 26/11/2015 22:43

All we do is calculate the household income, deduct household expenses plus a bit for luck and any remainder gets divided and goes to our personal accounts

But surely what you're describing is a joint account, Joysmum? One for household expenses, as well as having your own personal accounts.

Morganly · 26/11/2015 23:12

Are the children all his? If so, and he is working but you aren't, of course he needs to pay for everything, particularly as your (family) benefits will be reduced immediately he moves back in. Please don't let him make you think that the benefits are your personal income - they are a safeguard to stop children starving when there is no other income coming into the household.

I understand that Christmas costs money, though the regular bills must take precedence and you should only spend on Christmas what is left over once essentials have been paid for. Your anniversary need not cost anything. Anyone who claims that they can't pay the bills because their anniversary will cost money is a twit or is trying to guilt trip you into letting them off their financial obligations.

tribpot · 26/11/2015 23:23

If he works away a lot, you still won't see much of him once he moves back in. Perhaps it would be better if he stayed at his parents until he is more solvent - which based on his performance to date will be never.

It takes some nerve to move back into the house of one's pregnant and non-working spouse and expect them to be subsidising you instead of the reverse.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 26/11/2015 23:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 06:47

Mixed responses!

The first child isn't his, although we've been together since he was 1 and for all intents and purposes he is "his".

He will still be working away a lot which is one of the reasons we've left it until now. Aahhh I don't know what to do! Just think it'd probably be better to know he lives here, even though "my" money will decrease. It's pretty shitty knowing he has to go back to his mum's house instead of mine when he works late or whatever.

Don't know why he thinks Christmas will be so expensive. I've bought everything for the kids.

OP posts:
Isetan · 27/11/2015 07:07

This all sounds very confusing, he's only been gone seven months! It sounds like while he's been at his Mum's his disposable income increased and he's apprehensive at that changing.

I don't know why you asked him to leave but the issues surrounding the family finances are indicative of poor communication and isn't a great sign for a recently separated couple getting back together. Have the issues surrounding his departure really been resolved or are you just desperate for the family to be reunited before the new addition?

Before he moves back in, why don't you both sit down and work out a budget and while you at it allocate funds for seeing a counsellor to properly address your issues.

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 08:02

Definitely not desperate for us to be reunited - although I admit of course pregnancy hormones naturally make me feel more reliant on him. I can only hope our problems are resolved! I've had a bit of counselling. He wouldn't do it. Even if he wanted to he's not around enough and his work is too unpredictable. He walked around with a broken foot recently because he couldn't get to the doctors. Don't ask!

OP posts:
Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 08:03

He's always been crap at communication, with everyone. I'm brilliant at it :) he has got much, much better tbh

OP posts:
Joysmum · 27/11/2015 08:22

But surely what you're describing is a joint account, Joysmum? One for household expenses, as well as having your own personal accounts

No, a joint account is one account with more than one name on it. When only have accounts with our own names on. I keep a separate account for my bills, a current account for spending and a savings account. AFAIK he has his savings NGOs account but only one current account.

We do not have a joint account. I don't agree with them.