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Original poster

Who should pay?

82 replies

BeautifulLiar · 26/11/2015 13:01

Hi, not looking for flaming/judgement/LTB etc but some impartial views as I'm pregnant and hormonal!

DH moved out in April after I told him to. However we've managed to work through our problems and he is due to move back in imminently. I can't wait - the kids and I don't see much of him as he works away a lot and has been living with his parents.

Anyway when he moves back in I will obviously lose income support/housing benefit etc. By default I just expected him to start paying the rent, council tax and bills as soon as he moves back in, as he works and I don't.

However he has said that he's skint and will struggle to pay for a couple of months. I was really annoyed, and still am, but I'm wondering whether we should just go halves for a month or two?

He will be getting more income than me but I have managed to save a bit over the summer (had awful morning sickness and didn't leave the house).

I've decorated the house to my taste while he's been gone and he's never said anything about it - in other words the house has been completely mine so it would make sense to put money towards it?

I suppose I'm just pissed off that he's had this disposable income since April yet I will have to "help out" with the rent if he struggles. Is it fair?

OP posts:
Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 13:22

He has wanted to move back in the whole time, it's me who has been worried about the money we'll lose. He's a bit Confused because he grew up very poor and would rather be with me than have extra money...

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 27/11/2015 13:29

What are the relationships that caused you to ask him to move out in the first place?

You said that you hope they're resolved but you also said that he refused to do couple's counselling. That's a bit worrying if you ask me.

NameChange30 · 27/11/2015 13:29

Correction: relationship issues

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 13:53

I haven't asked him and he hasn't refused. But I know he wouldn't. He has no time and he would hate counselling. It's not for everybody.

Don't really want to discuss the issues as I'm trying to move forward

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 27/11/2015 14:02

"Don't really want to discuss the issues as I'm trying to move forward"

You can't move forward until you've addressed them.

But go ahead, sounds like a great idea Hmm

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 14:08

Addressed them with Mumsnet?!

OP posts:
ruddygreattiger · 27/11/2015 14:27

'Ruddy are you mad? He gets all his home comforts at his mum's house... here he knows he will have to pull his weight!!'

Really? Hes now trying to get out of paying his fair share if he does come back, and you also said he works away A LOT so how is he doing his fair share with the kids either?

Sorry op, you and the kids sound financially better off without him but that isnt what you want to hear. Good luck.

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 14:38

Ruddy - of course we're financially better off. Since splitting I've been entitled to housing benefit, council tax benefit, income support, more tax credits, free school meals, free dentist and prescriptions, free nursery for the 2 year old... but we love each other to bits and get on well and I can't stay on benefits forever!

I definitely do more for the kids. His working hours are ridiculous but its better than when he couldn't find any work and we had no money and he was depressed.

He knows he can't "get out" of paying rent as such. Plus like I said when the baby is born I want him here more and I don't want to risk any busy bodies reporting me for benefit fraud.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 27/11/2015 14:46

"Addressed them with Mumsnet?!"

Of course not. But I think you're not telling us about the issues because they haven't really gone away and if you tell us we'll probably tell you what you don't what to hear.

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 14:51

As far as I know they've gone away! I will have to trust his word. He knows this is the last chance (and no, not OW!)

OP posts:
MrNoseybonk · 27/11/2015 14:52

I'm boggling at these responses!
He's been kicked out, living with his parents, providing money to his family that he isn't allowed to live with and somehow that becomes he is living the high life bachelor lifetyle, living it up and won't pay anything for his family Confused.
The strangest one was that the money he earns is family money and should go into the (non-existent) joint account! She kicked him out! He is paying maintenance!
Couples often are financially better off if living apart if one is claiming benefits because you wouldn't get them if together, and likely both will lose out when he moves back in.
I don't get that he's terrible with money either.
He's been living a single person's lifestyle because he is a single person, because - guess what? - OP kicked him out! He can do what he likes with his money, maintenance aside, and it only sounds like he's overspent a little on meals.

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 14:59

MrNosey - it's good to have another perspective, so thank you.

DH did NOT want to move back to his mum's (like most adults). He is still on the tenancy here. In theory he could have refused to leave, or turned up at any time and put his feet up! But he respected my decision, and stayed away.

He has paid maintenance and other things, as I said. But his money has hardly gone on loads of treats for himself. Like I said he can't commit to any hobbies and rarely sees his friends. He never buys clothes for himself. He treated me on my birthday in June.

Yes he's been drinking while working away but if I wasn't pregnant I'd be spending some of my money on wine too...

He doesn't really live it up. He works 14 hour days, sometimes 7 days a week...

I just didn't know whether I should expect him to pay all of the rent etc for the first couple of months. We don't have other issues and can't wait for the baby.

OP posts:
tribpot · 27/11/2015 15:10

He doesn't really live it up.

Most of it has gone on food/drink as he works away so much ... He has a rate for food, but admitted he's been ridiculous and gone over it.

It's one or the other. Neither of you know how the January rent is going to get paid. I don't think either of you are very clear on money.

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 15:12

It will get paid. I have the money, he doesn't know this.

Well yes some nights he's gone over the rate and ordered steak instead of chicken or whatever but if I have enough going on in my life without getting upset about that

OP posts:
tribpot · 27/11/2015 15:16

I don't believe that's how a guy with few living expenses apart from the maintenance he's been paying you comes back with less than nothing. However, I wonder why you haven't told him you have the money for the rent? I assume that honesty on both sides about finances will be key to making the marriage work this time around.

BaronessSamedi · 27/11/2015 15:17

no way would i let him move back in.
no way.

NameChange30 · 27/11/2015 15:27

Clearly he did let you down in some way, otherwise you wouldn't have asked him to leave, and be talking about giving him a "last chance".

If he didn't want to move out and was hoping to move back in and presumably fix the relationship, he should have been saving money, especially knowing there's another baby on the way.

You don't seem to trust him 100% and that doesn't bode well. I would say that instinct is usually right.

MrNoseybonk · 27/11/2015 15:37

If he didn't want to move out and was hoping to move back in and presumably fix the relationship, he should have been saving money, especially knowing there's another baby on the way.

So, having been kicked out, he should assume he'll be able to move back in in a few months and save accordingly? Hmm
She's said the reason's for splitting weren't financial.
"He's paid maintenance and other things" so hardly shirking his responsibilities.

To try and be helpful, OP. Maybe you should "expect" him to pay all of the rent, but I think the right thing to do qould be to have a discussion about finances.
Presumably you have discussed him moving back in, you should also say "how are things going to be paid?". If you have no income of course he should pay. But if he is genuinely short of cash, maybe suggest postponing it so you can continue to pay the bills with benefits while he sorts out his finances.

wannabestressfree · 27/11/2015 15:38

You had a housekeeper provided by him and income support...... Crazy

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 15:52

The housekeeper was his sister who did us a huge favour and we paid her. My sickness was so bad I could barely move from bed and all the kids were off for summer. I rang him in tears a few times as I didn't know what to do and he made the arrangement with his sister

OP posts:
Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 15:55

Nosey- I phoned him earlier but he's really busy at work so we'll probably talk about it (again) later if he's not back too late. We do need a plan e.g. if he thinks he can start saving for the rent then he needs to send me what he saves and I will keep it safe.

OP posts:
Isetan · 27/11/2015 17:50

You haven't told him about having the rent money because you suspect if you did, he'd either fritter his contribution away/ or refuse to pay it. For a couple reconciling there is an incredible lack of trust and openness on display.

The lack of financial planning here is quite staggering, especially when you factor in that the breadwinner's income can be irregular.

Op your 'moving forward', looks worryingly like burying your head in the sand.

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 17:55

I'm not sure why I haven't told him tbh. I very rarely bury my head in the sand... I'd get far too anxious! I have to deal with issues and that's what I'm doing

OP posts:
exWifebeginsat40 · 27/11/2015 18:04

how much is he drinking, OP?

and all of this is very confusing. if he works 14 hour days 7 days a week where is the money?

also you saying 'i have the rent money but he doesn't know' - this is exactly what he is doing! you are withholding from him, he is withholding from you. not exactly a solid basis for living together again, really.

exWifebeginsat40 · 27/11/2015 18:06

and expecting a new car, a holiday and an anniversary trip?

baffling.