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Original poster

Who should pay?

82 replies

BeautifulLiar · 26/11/2015 13:01

Hi, not looking for flaming/judgement/LTB etc but some impartial views as I'm pregnant and hormonal!

DH moved out in April after I told him to. However we've managed to work through our problems and he is due to move back in imminently. I can't wait - the kids and I don't see much of him as he works away a lot and has been living with his parents.

Anyway when he moves back in I will obviously lose income support/housing benefit etc. By default I just expected him to start paying the rent, council tax and bills as soon as he moves back in, as he works and I don't.

However he has said that he's skint and will struggle to pay for a couple of months. I was really annoyed, and still am, but I'm wondering whether we should just go halves for a month or two?

He will be getting more income than me but I have managed to save a bit over the summer (had awful morning sickness and didn't leave the house).

I've decorated the house to my taste while he's been gone and he's never said anything about it - in other words the house has been completely mine so it would make sense to put money towards it?

I suppose I'm just pissed off that he's had this disposable income since April yet I will have to "help out" with the rent if he struggles. Is it fair?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 27/11/2015 08:23

Wtf did NGOs come from and sorry about the typos Blush

chrome100 · 27/11/2015 10:02

If you're living there surely you should contribute too?

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 11:02

Chrome I said I contribute! I normally pay for (off the top of my my head):

Water bill
Petrol
Food shop
All Christmas and birthday presents
Phone bill
Nursery
Dinner money
Swimming lessons

...!

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 27/11/2015 11:31

If you are paying for the food and the Christmas presents then how is Christmas expensive for him? Why would he prioritise spending money on your wedding anniversary over the bills.

When he moved out, he stayed at his Mum's, you took over all bills and rent payments of the family house and he paid maintenance and for a housekeeper. He got a payrise in this time. Was the maintenance and housekeeper loads more than he would normally pay out?

You are right it doesn't make sense. You are being bullshitted or maybe even punished. Investigate further. If he is deceiving you, you need to know before he moves back in.

Don't you go through bank statements together sometimes when money is tight?

Isetan · 27/11/2015 11:33

So what has exactly changed between you kicking him out and wanting him back? Does he even want to come back? What has counselling taught you about yourself and your marriage and if he isn't interested in doing anything to address your relationship problems, what's the likelyhood of you ending up in the same place as you were in April?

It's telling that you got all defensive in your first sentence of your first post, it very much sounds like you're the only one working on your relationship and once the novelty of having him around has worn off, you'll be back to square one.

If he really isn't a great communicator than you need to have robust systems in place that cover finances and which aren't reliant on frequent discussion. Agree a budget and set up an account where you'll have an overview of family money and expenditure.

Personally, I think putting your children through a separation and a reunification, without sufficiently addressing the relationship problems, is reckless.

Isetan · 27/11/2015 11:40

Do not sacrifice you're current financial clarity (even though its tight), back to one of financial opaqueness. Surely a reunification should mean moving forwards, not backwards.

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 11:49

God knows, Run. He likes to buy for his family (I don't talk to mine so save quite a bit there!) And we had more nephews born this year. I reminded him that he doesn't need to spend a lot as its the thought that counts..!

Wedding anniversary is a hotel that's been booked already.

He's just been spending his money on food and drink. He knows he's wasted it. But they are working away, and eat three meals a day out, and have a couple of beers at the hotel at night. I don't totally begrudge this; he gets no social life, no hobbies, hardly gets to see friends, or us.

He definitely wants to come back. He could stay at his mum's and have more money and all his laundry done and food made for him and less childcare, but he wants to come back.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 27/11/2015 11:50

I agree with Isetan.

pocketsaviour · 27/11/2015 11:53

Most of it has gone on food/drink as he works away so much.

Is he self-employed then? If he's been sent to work away by his employer then that would always include a "subsistence rate" IME which is usually £15-50 a day for food and drink.

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 11:54

Yeh he has a rate for food, but admitted he's been ridiculous and gone over it as he knew he didn't have the bills to pay etc.

I've gone a bit mental with money too. But the DC have benefited enormously.

OP posts:
Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 11:56

I suggested to him last night about me putting money towards January's rent (maybe) and he said "it'll probably be fine". Well, I hope so!

OP posts:
Isetan · 27/11/2015 11:58

Does he understand why you asked him to leave?

Being financially dependent on someone who isn't good with money and even worse at communicator, is setting yourself up for a whole lot of shit. You're both adults and it's about time you had some adult conversations and not just about finances.

tribpot · 27/11/2015 12:05

Yeh he has a rate for food, but admitted he's been ridiculous and gone over it as he knew he didn't have the bills to pay etc.

So he has quite literally pissed it away? I don't understand why you are being at all sympathetic to this. Working away from home costs money, that's why you get expenses to cover reasonable costs. If you want to go out on regular benders it costs you the same as it would do if you were at home. It strikes me that he doesn't want to pay anything when he moves back in because he doesn't want to have to forego the dubious pleasures of the 'single lad's lifestyle' that he's been living in the meantime.

Furthermore he's made up some crap about the costs of Christmas, costs he isn't even incurring.

As a great communicator you must understand that this is a two-part process. What you say has to be received and absorbed by the person you are communicating with. He seems unable to do this.

You really need to have a proper conversation about money before he moves back in, and before he's off again living it up whilst on expenses. If he's unable to curtail his spending you're better off with him at his mum's.

Isetan · 27/11/2015 12:12

I suggested to him last night about me putting money towards January's rent (maybe) and he said "it'll probably be fine". Well, I hope so!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh! You're as bad as him. I'm guessing 'money' was one of the reasons for your separation, so why the hell haven't you learned anything.

Just because you aren't working, doesn't mean you should be in the dark about family money. "it'll probably be fine", really isn't an acceptable answer when talking about keeping the roof over your children's heads.

Isetan · 27/11/2015 12:20

Good luck on getting him to give up his single man's wallet, he hasn't yet moved back in and he's already making excuses.

Op what are you doing?

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 12:24

Money wasn't the reason for separation

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 27/11/2015 12:25

This is a very bizarre setup.

Are you a married couple or not? All income in family money. All bills are family bills. What's left after that you split between you (and ideally save some).

Don't you know how much he earns?

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 12:26

He will have to manage his money better when he's here, he just won't have the choice. Same for me.

We need to buy a new car, we're supposed to be going on holiday, and staying in a hotel for our anniversary. I can't justify doing these things while I'm classed as a single parent, it doesn't sit right

OP posts:
Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 12:28

Married couple, yes

Yes I know how much he earns, he told me last night an updated amount so I could tell tax credits, it was less than he thought.

We have always dealt with finances like this:

I get tax credits, child benefit and maintenance for eldest in my account

He gets wages in his account

He has more outgoings

And he pays 90% of the time if we eat out for example, or take the kids somewhere

OP posts:
Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 12:30

A joint account would mean taking on any bad credit ratings he has, not sure I want that!

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 27/11/2015 12:43

He's terrible with money
He's a bad communicator

Two of the worst traits in a partner and co-parent

Does he have anything going for him? He would have to be seriously brilliant in every other way to make up for it.

Isetan · 27/11/2015 12:46

You're married and just because you don't share an account, doesn't stop the money he earns as being family money. If you know or suspect he has debts then you're wise not to have a joint account but ignorance isn't bliss and the lack of financial clarity will bite you in the end.

He earns less than he though he did, WTAF, and this doesn't take into account his frittering.

ruddygreattiger · 27/11/2015 12:52

Sounds like he likes his money as a single man living with his mum (does he pay anything to her for housing him??) and is coming up with a load of excuses to not pay his way with you!

Of course he wants to move back in!! He wants all the comforts of home no doubt with you doing the majority of the donkeywork and if he can get away with not pulling his weight then hes struck gold!!

aWowChristmasGuna · 27/11/2015 12:57

You cant afford that uncertainty.
he would move back in and "probably" contribute to the rent?!
That's not a team.. not an economic unit!
I wouldnt allow him to move back in.

Original poster
BeautifulLiar · 27/11/2015 13:19

He has lots of brilliant qualities, yes, many I don't possess but am working on

Awow no, he said the money probably shouldn't be an issue, as in he thinks he'll have enough to put away (work can be very unpredictable but has been steady this year)

Ruddy are you mad? He gets all his home comforts at his mum's house... here he knows he will have to pull his weight!!

OP posts: