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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell his wife?

95 replies

whocanyoutrust · 10/08/2015 20:37

No we didn't have an affair but he took me out for dates and proposed to take me on trips. Nothing really happened because I suspected his marriage status.

So I found out that he is married with kids. He confessed to me the other day and said that he couldn't really be honest with me, saying that he is seperated with his wife for 5 years since 2010. He said because his wife is from Scotland, it takes a long time to get a divorce (5 years, really?). I know that is a lie anyway cos they are registered under the same address in the electrol system since 2012. I also know that he might have had an affair before (he claims that was his ex gf but obviously he wasn't seperated)

Although I can't tell for sure if they are actually getting a divorce, should I secretly message his wife?

I had this strong urge to do it cos I was once cheated on by a married guy (didn't know he was married). And I think his wife deserves to know no matter what. Yes I know it might break their marrige, but this woman deserves better than a scumbag. what do you guys say?

OP posts:
PresidentTwonk · 10/08/2015 20:42

I would want to know. I would prefer to have any 'evidence' attached to the message though as it may be hard to believe a stranger, so screenshots of messages etc. and to have your number to call and talk about it in depth, but everyone is different and his wife may not want to be told so it's a very difficult situation.

ALaughAMinute · 10/08/2015 20:43

What can be gained from telling his wife, apart from making you feel good for five minutes that is? I say stay out of it, it's none of your business.

And delete all contact with him, he sounds like a git!

SaucyJack · 10/08/2015 20:43

Do you have any hard evidence?

I would want to know personally.

DiscoDiva70 · 10/08/2015 20:46

I'd say that you telling his wife is more to do with your desire to piss him off and get your 'revenge' than it is to do with you being 'sisterly' by letting her know she's married to a scumbag. Hmm

She probably already knows this

Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 10/08/2015 20:47

Yeah I still have our messages, phone call history etc. I know it's not my business, but I felt so remorseful when i knew that friends of my ex-bf (the married jackass) hid his marriage status well for him. People deserve to know the truth.

OP posts:
Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 10/08/2015 20:48

DiscoDiva70, i never really liked him. I thought he was a nice guy but never really carefully considered starting a relationship with him

OP posts:
PresidentTwonk · 10/08/2015 20:49

Personally I think even if you tell her for 'revenge' on him it doesn't matter because she would then know. I'd want to know, no matter the reasons for being told! Then I could kick his lying, cheating arse out!

Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 10/08/2015 20:53

He also told me that he hasnt had sexwith his wife for 7 years but her fb said theyve only been married for 6 .. what a terrible liar

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Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 10/08/2015 20:53

ALaughAMinute to save her from getting STDs???

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ToTheGups · 10/08/2015 20:55

I would rather know the truth. With evidence.

notrocketscience · 10/08/2015 20:57

Um. Rock and Hard place come to mind. I think your motives are pure but how about the method? Are you just going to knock on the door and tell the wife face to face? Anonymous letter? (Does anyone. has anyone ever taken an anonymous letter seriously?)

Are you punishing him for fooling you? Think about it long and hard and take out the emotion Good luck!

Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 10/08/2015 20:59

i know her facebook and i wouldnt mind having a chat with her.
To be honest, why all of you gals think im doing this just to punish him? I just want to do whats right is it so difficult to digest?

OP posts:
PresidentTwonk · 10/08/2015 21:00

I think tell her, even if she tells you to fuck off then you still know you've done the right thing

Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 10/08/2015 21:00

If she tells me to fuck off then she's pathetic

OP posts:
magoria · 10/08/2015 21:03

I would prefer to know.

Just do it as sensitively as you can.

notrocketscience · 10/08/2015 21:04

Op before you have a pop at us re-read what you posted;

"secretly message" - why secret?
"electoral register" - why the snooping?

Personally, in the wife's position, as painful as it is I would rather know. Don't expect me to rejoice though and bear in mind that old saying "shoot the messenger".

notrocketscience · 10/08/2015 21:05

Ouchy. Tell the poor woman to f**k Off? Seriously?

I'm out. Your reasons are not as pure as you first made out...

Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 10/08/2015 21:06

notrocketscience he told me he's living his parents at his age (40s) and never married so i thought id check him out. Going out for dates with a married man is a big no no for me so i wanted to know if he was in fact married.

"secretly message" - why secret?
I'm not sure if i should let her know my identity. Im not sure if iwill be comfortable with it

OP posts:
Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 10/08/2015 21:07

notrocketscience

please read the messages carefully .. i didnt tell her to fuck off

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happymummyone · 10/08/2015 21:08

I would want to know but OP, I've been in your position and decided not to tell. All I know is three years later they are still a family and i wasn't responsible for a little boy being separated from his father.

shaska · 10/08/2015 21:09

I don't care about your motives, I would want to know. I would want everything you had evidence-wise so I could come to my own decision about it.

On the other hand I think you need to put it behind you and it would be good to have a good hard look at whether this is going to be something where if the wife ignores your message you'll feel slighted and/or push for a response. Because you getting involved in their relationship will be good for nobody, most of all you.

vestandknickers · 10/08/2015 21:11

Keep out of it. Not your business. I wouldn't want to be told by the other woman. It seems cruel and spiteful. Walk away.

notrocketscience · 10/08/2015 21:11

Apologies, I misread your post.

Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 10/08/2015 21:11

happymummyone my dad cheated on my mum with a prostitute before. He is the best father in the world. But i swear to god id never become a woman like my mum.
These things will eventually get out. Till this day, I think my mum has nver been truly happy in her marriage for years.

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Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 10/08/2015 21:13

vestandknickers so youd rather risk getting STD? My mum did because of my dad's cheating

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