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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I tell his wife?

95 replies

whocanyoutrust · 10/08/2015 20:37

No we didn't have an affair but he took me out for dates and proposed to take me on trips. Nothing really happened because I suspected his marriage status.

So I found out that he is married with kids. He confessed to me the other day and said that he couldn't really be honest with me, saying that he is seperated with his wife for 5 years since 2010. He said because his wife is from Scotland, it takes a long time to get a divorce (5 years, really?). I know that is a lie anyway cos they are registered under the same address in the electrol system since 2012. I also know that he might have had an affair before (he claims that was his ex gf but obviously he wasn't seperated)

Although I can't tell for sure if they are actually getting a divorce, should I secretly message his wife?

I had this strong urge to do it cos I was once cheated on by a married guy (didn't know he was married). And I think his wife deserves to know no matter what. Yes I know it might break their marrige, but this woman deserves better than a scumbag. what do you guys say?

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 11/08/2015 14:41

I do think you sound very young and it does seem to me that you became very emotionally vested in this 'relationship' considering that you 'didn't have any affection for him' and that the two of you never had any type of sexual relationship.

But you need to realize that what you are telling her may not affect her much; that her husband 'took you on some dates' and said some negative things about her. I agree that it was very wrong of him, but unless she has prior knowledge of him as a cheat, she will most likely forgive him for his 'momentary slip' as 'nothing really happened, dear'. So if your motive is to cause a huge blow up in their marriage, it likely won't.

I'll say this; if, after you sincerely examine your feelings and emotions, you discover that your desire to tell her is rooted in revenge or wanting to hurt this man, then think twice. If, after you examine your motives, you decide that your motivation is to simply tell her something she may or may not already know, with the understand that it probably won't change their marriage, then fine.

But whatever you do, please don't involve anyone else in this (her family member). That would be cruel to her beyond belief. She doesn't deserve to have her private business told to someone else.

TRexingInAsda · 11/08/2015 14:42

Why are you arguing with people on here? You asked for some advice, you got some. You're not bound by it, you don't have to do what they say, and you don't have to persuade them you're right (and you won't). Just get on with it - tell her or don't tell her. You won't find 'permission' to do it on here.

Original poster

whocanyoutrust · 11/08/2015 14:46

TRexingInAsda I am a bit saddened by the fact that people think im evil and have other motives tbh. Same feeling as the moment i found out the girl who decided to marry the cheating scumbag who has cheated on her 3 times

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 11/08/2015 14:48

"I hope all of you will never ever have a cheating husband"

do you honestly think we are all pulling tjis out of our arses. Many of us have had exacty that experience.

You sound really horribe

viridus · 11/08/2015 14:55

Yes, I think that his wife should be told about him.

Because, it gives the cheater and his wife to deal whatever way they wish to deal with it.

And because he will go on cheating and preying on vulnerable women.

And because the poster has ended the relationship, and is not now cheating, and does not want to cheat on another.

And because, she is asking for support/opinion, on here.

And because the cheater is not the one asking on here, and appears quite happy, to use both his wife and other women for his own use.

DiscoDiva70 · 11/08/2015 14:58

Wow, if this is how you feel with your desire to hurt her when you haven't supposedly had a full blown affair, I dread to think how you'd be towards her if you had actually shagged him.

You're appearing obsessed with her

Original poster

whocanyoutrust · 11/08/2015 15:00

BitOutOfPractice Yes I do know that a lot of women here have experience, thats why I am here. It makes me sad and even a bit angry reading people's replies knowing what might have happened to them. It almost feels like people are attacking me and "protecting" the cheater. I think no one deserves to be with a cheater whatever is happening in their life at the moment. Imagine if she is going through a rough patch right now and her husband is cheating behind her back yet nobody cares enough to tell her.

OP posts:

Original poster

whocanyoutrust · 11/08/2015 15:02

DiscoDiva70 if you dont like the fact that there is actually a stranger who cares enough to want to tell her the truth, dont post in my thread. There is no need to insult me.

OP posts:

AnxiousAggie · 11/08/2015 15:05

But if she decided to marry that 'cheating scumbag' that was her choice wasn't it? I don't see why it should make you feel sad.

Original poster

whocanyoutrust · 11/08/2015 15:07

AnxiousAggie because she seems like a very nice person and she deserves better

OP posts:

GraysAnalogy · 11/08/2015 15:09

Just because someone is married doesn't mean they're part of a couple.

AnxiousAggie · 11/08/2015 15:13

Well maybe so but she had all the information didn't she? (sorry is not, can't scroll back on app) and made the conscious decision to stay with him for whatever reason. You probably wouldn't. I don't think i would but she's her own person. Don't feel sad for her, she won't want your pity. It's not your mission to save everyone from feckless cheaters. And love's a funny thing; not everyone sees unfaithfulness as a deal breaker. We all draw lines in different places.

pinkyredrose · 11/08/2015 15:18

OP you don't care about his wife so stop dressing things up to show that you do. If you didn't have an affair then there's nothing to tell and whatever the guy is doing is fuck all to do with you.

Grow up, get on with your own life and leave them to theirs.

DiscoDiva70 · 11/08/2015 15:42

Op
"Disco, if you don't like the fact that there is actually a stranger who cares enough to want to tell her the truth, don't post in my thread "

What I don't like Op is a stranger who PRETENDS to care enough to want to tell her the truth!

I'm not the only one who questions your motives!
What is it you would actually say to this woman anyway?

Original poster

whocanyoutrust · 11/08/2015 16:01

DiscoDiva70 ofc you wouldnt like it. You chose to insult me rather than believe im doing it for pure motives. Thanks a lot

OP posts:

UnsolvedMystery · 11/08/2015 17:06

There is nothing pure in your motives. You don't care about this woman - you don't even know her, you only care about your sense of righteousness. If you genuinely cared you might consider that your interference could do more harm than good. You cannot see beyond your own feelings and recognise that not everyone feels the same way as you.

whisperingeye1 · 11/08/2015 17:33

The issue is you didn't have an affair I understand that it may have been his intention but im not sure how seriously his wife would take it. You may well just find it makes you look like the spurned woman.

vestandknickers · 11/08/2015 18:03

Why are you arguing with everyone OP?

Is it because everyone has seen through your nonsense about wanting to protect this woman from STDs?

You sound very immature and not nice and you need to stay out of this couple's life.

honeyroar · 11/08/2015 18:25

I'd want to know personally. I remember the awful feeling of realising id been the last to know when my ex cheated. But you should be as nice as you can. You shouldn't be anonymous, she may want to ask you for more details (Imo if you open a can of worms for her you shouldn't just leave it sitting in her lap). You should expect that she may lash out at you (she will be in shock/upset). If you can't deal with things like that you should keep your mouth shut.

Jux · 11/08/2015 19:11

I don't care what your 'deeper' motives might be. I see your desire to tell the wife as being the right thing to do, whatever other reasons there may be behind it.

The wife an only act day to day if she has accurate information about her life and the people she has close contact with. Her h is not apparently being honest with her, and whocanyoutrust is going to change that to an extent.

Maybe the wife knows anyway and doesn't care.
Maybe she turns a blind eye.
Maybe shewill be grateful.
Maybe she won't.

Whatever the wife does with the info is up to her, but she will be living in a more truthfulworld than she was. She will be able to make better decisions because she will be viewing her life through a more truthful glass.

How often are wives on here, wishing they'd known a bit more about their errong h's, wanting to be in control more, so that they felt like they'd had a semblance of choice, so that they could have had a more accurate vision of the future.

No, she is highly unlikely to be grateful for geing told, though she may be years hence. The immediate aftermath for her and her family is probably going to be dreadful, or she may ignore it completely (and he will tell her you hit on him, and he fendedyou off and how wonderful is he, but that's up to them and not your problem).

Morally, I really do believe you have little choice but to tell her. Truth is important.

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