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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I tell his wife?

95 replies

whocanyoutrust · 10/08/2015 20:37

No we didn't have an affair but he took me out for dates and proposed to take me on trips. Nothing really happened because I suspected his marriage status.

So I found out that he is married with kids. He confessed to me the other day and said that he couldn't really be honest with me, saying that he is seperated with his wife for 5 years since 2010. He said because his wife is from Scotland, it takes a long time to get a divorce (5 years, really?). I know that is a lie anyway cos they are registered under the same address in the electrol system since 2012. I also know that he might have had an affair before (he claims that was his ex gf but obviously he wasn't seperated)

Although I can't tell for sure if they are actually getting a divorce, should I secretly message his wife?

I had this strong urge to do it cos I was once cheated on by a married guy (didn't know he was married). And I think his wife deserves to know no matter what. Yes I know it might break their marrige, but this woman deserves better than a scumbag. what do you guys say?

OP posts:
AnxiousAggie · 11/08/2015 09:12

She might want to know, she might not want to know, she might already know.

I agree that it sounds like you want to tell her more for revenge then any other reason. And if she tells you to fuck off it doesn't make her pathetic. She's not obliged to do anything specific with the information.

I've always said i'd want to know but that doesn't necessarily mean i'd be thankful for it.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/08/2015 09:16

In short, no.

winkywinkola · 11/08/2015 09:24

Whocanyoutrust, I don't think the wife is going to appreciate your "courage" in telling her she is married to an unfaithful man.

I think your perspective on how she should respond is skewed. Calling her "pathetic" if she reacts with hostility to devastating news is really low too.

Do you really care about this woman's welfare? Or are you just looking to set off a bomb of revenge?

lunar1 · 11/08/2015 09:48

I'm usually in the camp of you should tell and that the truth is always better.

However snippets from your posts don't make you sound like a very nice person. No matter what a persons traction to news that their life isn't what they thought, I don't think pathetic could ever be a fitting word. If you can't do this with compassion and grace don't do it at all.

lunar1 · 11/08/2015 09:49

Reaction, not traction!

winkywinkola · 11/08/2015 09:58

Yes, I am usually totally in the tell him/her camp.

But your language on this thread suggests you are really out for vengeance and to inflict maximum damage rather than helping another unsuspecting soul see the light.

Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 11/08/2015 10:55

Findtheoldme first of all i went out on dates with him because i broke up with my bf and needed company.

No, i did not have any affection towards him

Yes I am back with my boyfriend now before I found out he was married. I thought about keeping in touch with this guy cos i thought he could make a great mentor as we are in the same industry. When i was out with him, I already made it clear to him that there is nothing that can happen between us (i texted him that too and he is ok with it). Then I suspected he could be married, so me and my boyfriend did a research on him together.

It is not only the dates that i want to tell the wife, it's the way that he lied about his marriage and the fact that he had a 'gf' when they were obviously still married.
Another major reason of wanting to tell her is because I was a victim, god knows how much I wish someone could've told me earlier and saved me a lot of pain.

Thank you guys so much for letting me know that spending my time on writing online to consider if this is the right move and wanting to do what is right could make me an evil person. Thanks a bunch I have learned my lesson here today.

I hope all of you will never ever have a cheating husband, if you do, i hope he will have the guts to come clean.

I am out of here.

OP posts:
Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 11/08/2015 10:59

Based on you guys' replies, I think she will most likely misunderstand my motives and will probably not appreciate it. After all, who am I to tell her her husband is cheating?

OP posts:
Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 11/08/2015 11:14

winkywinkola of course she can have any reaction, but telling me to fuck off, aka attacking me is NOT the right reaction, especially when I did NOT have an affair with her husband. Yes, i still insist if she tells me to fuck off she IS pathetic.

OP posts:
UnsolvedMystery · 11/08/2015 11:40

I thought about telling one of her family members (someone who appears to her brother in law's wife) and let her decide if I should contact the wife or do nothing.
That's more like nasty gossiping.

I am simply giving her the truth. And she should appreciate that it takes a lot of courage to be able to tell the truth
She has every right NOT to appreciate it. She has every right to tell you to fuck off. She didn't ask you to do anything. Her marriage is none of your business. And you were talking about doing it anonymously! There is no courage in anything you are considering.

romeomorningwhisky · 11/08/2015 11:50

"I simply typed a lol"

OP you sound so arrogant!

It's obvious you want to kick him in the balls & be central player in a little drama rather than actually give a shit about his wife!

Leave her alone, not your business.

TheoriginalLEM · 11/08/2015 11:56

wow - this is complicated! make a great jezza kyle story, you should apply OP, if you get on they put you up in a free hotel travellodge and everything!

TheoriginalLEM · 11/08/2015 11:57

oh and net mums is over there hun >>>>

TheoriginalLEM · 11/08/2015 11:59

"Then I suspected he could be married, so me and my boyfriend did a research on him together. " Hmm

aprilanne · 11/08/2015 12:02

the one true thing he told you was yes .it does take 5 year for a divorce in scotland if the other party does not agree to divorce but you have to be living in scotland not just born there .

PageNotFound404 · 11/08/2015 13:05

If your motives were pure and you felt you could give her the evidence then walk away and leave her to do with the information as she wishes, including ignore it if she'd rather, then I'd say tell her.

However I think this man has perhaps come to represent all cheating men in your life - your dad, your ex - and your motives have more to do with feeling you've got back at the ones who "got away with it" through punishing this man, and I worry that you'd feel the need to know his wife was acting on your evidence which is a risky path to start going down, so in this specific instance I'd say leave well alone.

Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 11/08/2015 13:56

PageNotFound404 The first time and the only time I told a woman her man was cheating her (physically with 3 women) was two years ago. I didn't know how she handled it until I saw her wedding pictures 6 months later with the scumbag. As I said I dont care what she is going to do with the information. like my mum who decided to stay wth my dad, it is her life after all.

OP posts:
Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 11/08/2015 14:00

I guess people just think I am evil and it's difficult to catch STDs or AIDS so I am just going to leave this woman alone and pray for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 11/08/2015 14:06

romeomorningwhisky central player in a little drama? LOL. I will disappear in their lives the second I give out all the info. I have no right to interfere and she has no right to ask for more from me after that.

You know what all these replies remind me of?

There were numerous stories of people getting sued in China because they helped senior people who fell over on the street. Now these stories are replaced by stories of people dying covering in blood and nobody cared enough to help out. It's just sad

OP posts:
DiscoDiva70 · 11/08/2015 14:19

"I will disappear in their lives the second I give out all the info'. 'i have no right to interfere and she has no right to ask for more from me after that '

So basically, you still intend to cause trouble for his wife and then you'll leave them to it?

You sound like a bunny boiler someone who can't understand how you are coming across to everyone.

I'd say you should be more concerned about sorting your own sorry life out instead of waging war against this woman.

winkywinkola · 11/08/2015 14:28

I don't think she's waging war.

I think the op sees herself as some avenging angel, swooping in, dropping in the all burning truth and then soaring off again. Content her righteous mission accomplished.

Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 11/08/2015 14:28

So basically, you still intend to cause trouble for his wife and then you'll leave them to it?

Causing trouble? So you saying her husband hit on me and Id be the trouble maker if I gave her warning?
What do you expect me to do afterwards? Sit down and have a cup of tea with her?
I wonder what you would do to the messenger if you were her

I am happy with my life. I have no trouble spotting scumbags and asking him to fuck off, thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 11/08/2015 14:30

winkywinkola avenging angel sounds good ;)

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 11/08/2015 14:33

Just questioning your motives.

Usually if one receives very upsetting news, it is a shock. It is kind to think of the impact and why you're doing it.

Why don't you contact him and say you'll tell his wife if he doesn't?

Original poster
whocanyoutrust · 11/08/2015 14:39

winkywinkola I doubt that he;d do it cos he already lied about seperating with his wife. And I'd never know he has done it

Tbh i doubt that i can ever do it as they have 4 young children. She will most likely stay with her. Just a bit concern that she will catch disease

OP posts:
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