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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I tell his wife?

95 replies

whocanyoutrust · 10/08/2015 20:37

No we didn't have an affair but he took me out for dates and proposed to take me on trips. Nothing really happened because I suspected his marriage status.

So I found out that he is married with kids. He confessed to me the other day and said that he couldn't really be honest with me, saying that he is seperated with his wife for 5 years since 2010. He said because his wife is from Scotland, it takes a long time to get a divorce (5 years, really?). I know that is a lie anyway cos they are registered under the same address in the electrol system since 2012. I also know that he might have had an affair before (he claims that was his ex gf but obviously he wasn't seperated)

Although I can't tell for sure if they are actually getting a divorce, should I secretly message his wife?

I had this strong urge to do it cos I was once cheated on by a married guy (didn't know he was married). And I think his wife deserves to know no matter what. Yes I know it might break their marrige, but this woman deserves better than a scumbag. what do you guys say?

OP posts:

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/08/2015 21:14

I wish somebody had told me...

TheFormidableMrsC · 10/08/2015 21:15

....funny how everybody wants to tell me now about his extra marital affairs...too late!

vestandknickers · 10/08/2015 21:15

You've clearly got issues that are nothing to do with this man or his poor wife. Leave them be.

notrocketscience · 10/08/2015 21:16

Screen shot of your OP. Print out copies of texts from him to you. Leave in your number or cover it, up to you. Put in envelope and address it to her.

She deserves to know. She can then make an honest decision about her relationship and her life with all the facts rather than his lies.

Leave it at that and walk away. None of your business afterwards and if he finds out it was you will he come after you?

DirtyDeedsD0neDirtCheap · 10/08/2015 21:16

tell her, I would want to know

she deserves to know she is married to a scumbag

ALaughAMinute · 10/08/2015 21:17

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.

? Confucius

Original poster

whocanyoutrust · 10/08/2015 21:20

notrocketscience I AM scared that he will come after me. He is definitely higher up in the industry we are both in but he doesnt really know me that well anyway. I certainly dont want to be killed over this :/

OP posts:

Inexperiencedchick · 10/08/2015 21:38

@ALaughAMinute

Great saying, never heard of it.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/08/2015 21:51

I'd want to know if it were my husband.

I would tell her anonymously and unemotionally unless you feel you would jeopardize your job.

If you think that he would physically 'come after' you, then you're better off leaving it alone.

You shouldn't sacrifice your job OR risk injury in order to do the 'technically' right thing.

nequidnimis · 10/08/2015 22:28

I'd want to know, so I think you should tell her.

Even if you do it anonymously, he will know it is from you as his wife is bound to show him the letter and supporting proof.

But personally that wouldn't bother me, how much harm can he risk doing to you professionally when you have proof that he's a cheating scumbag.

Bubblesinthesummer · 10/08/2015 22:34

If she tells me to fuck off then she's pathetic

Nice

LadyofDunedin · 10/08/2015 22:37

I did tell her... It wasn't pretty.

Do I regret it? No. Hearing her break down on the phone was difficult. I blocked him and never heard the outcome.

I wonder about that Confucius quote. I did fear he would manipulate and she come after me for a long time

Penfold007 · 10/08/2015 22:41

OP do you seriously think he would murder you if you told his wife?

UnsolvedMystery · 10/08/2015 23:06

She might want to know, she might NOT want to know. You have got no idea - you are only thinking about yourself. It is not your place to interfere in someone else's marriage. Whether or not a whole load of posters here tell you that they would want to know, you have no idea if SHE would want to know and it is HER life you are considering dropping a bombshell on.

If she tells me to fuck off then she's pathetic
So if she doesn't appreciate your meddling in her business, SHE is pathetic? But of course you are doing this for her!

Even if she did want to know, now might be a really bad time for her. You don't know what else is going on in her life at the moment.

Original poster

whocanyoutrust · 10/08/2015 23:26

I thought about telling one of her family members (someone who appears to her brother in law's wife) and let her decide if I should contact the wife or do nothing.

Penfold007 lol, i dunno. Sometimes people are crazy youd never know what they are capable of doing

OP posts:

Original poster

whocanyoutrust · 10/08/2015 23:29

UnsolvedMystery I am not meddling in her business. I am not telling her what to do. I am simply giving her the truth. And she should appreciate that it takes a lot of courage to be able to tell the truth

OP posts:

DiscoDiva70 · 10/08/2015 23:39

You seem to find all this funny op

If you're concerned about the husband coming after you then why won't you just back off and leave this woman alone?

Original poster

whocanyoutrust · 10/08/2015 23:47

DiscoDiva70 I simply typed a "lol". People are so judgemental ....

And no im not too concerned about him coming after me but i need to do this correctly.

OP posts:

DiscoDiva70 · 10/08/2015 23:55

Op
You wrote above 'sometimes people are crazy you'd never know what they are capable of doing '
What's that all about then if now you say ' I'm not too concerned about him coming after me', you're not making sense.

You seem determined to make sure his wife finds out about you.

DiscoDiva70 · 10/08/2015 23:56

And yes people do become judgemental when they doubt the true motives of another person!

Original poster

whocanyoutrust · 11/08/2015 00:14

Op
You wrote above 'sometimes people are crazy you'd never know what they are capable of doing '

Thats just a cynical side of me but then again I believe the odds of him killing me is close to zero, if that makes sense?

According to this guy, this marriage is the sad part of his life. If they are in fact still happily married, why would she want to be with someone who said such horrible thing? I think a part of me just feels really bad for her and wants to do what's right.

OP posts:

Jux · 11/08/2015 00:21

I would want to know.

DiscoDiva70 · 11/08/2015 00:23

But you are apparently 'scared of him' according to another post of yours up thread.
I'm ,

Findtheoldme · 11/08/2015 07:13

You did have an affair. Emotional rather than physical but an affair none the less.

You sound very immature and a drama lover. You are being very unkind about the wife and I suspect you are hoping for a Romeo and Juliet situation where he leaves his wife for you. That won't happen.

Bubblesinthesummer · 11/08/2015 07:17

You sound very immature and a drama lover. You are being very unkind about the wife and I suspect you are hoping for a Romeo and Juliet situation where he leaves his wife for you. That won't happen

I have to agree with this.

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