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Original poster

Why oh why do the fathers walk away?

124 replies

KayOwe123 · 03/08/2015 18:32

Please help me to understand why a child's father would decide to walk away from his relationship with his child. As mothers, you are probably well aware of the hurt your child experiences when their father leaves but when happens, long term, if he just doesn't want to know.

Was it another relationship? Was it work? Was it drink, drugs, gambling etc? Was he just a child himself? Is it just because the relationship was too toxic and one of you decided to end it and continuing contact would be too painful for both of you?

Are there any men out there who can explain to me what went wrong and how you feel?

Please help - I'm trying to make sense of absent and disaffected dads because maybe there's another side to the story...........

OP posts:
woowoo22 · 03/08/2015 20:09

Why are you asking?

Offred · 03/08/2015 20:10

Because they quite simply don't see the child/children as their responsibility.

woowoo22 · 03/08/2015 20:10

There is no excuse in my book. And I've heard them, am a LP. Twunts.

Offred · 03/08/2015 20:12

Often they have some kind of narrative to explain why they feel that's a reasonable thing to belief - it's women's work, the mother has not made it easy to see the DC, they themselves had a bad childhood etc but it all boils down to not believing it is their responsibility.

britneyspearscatsuit · 03/08/2015 20:14

Not believing it's their responsibility / not caring even if they do?

lighteningirl · 03/08/2015 20:15

Sometimes they are driven away I guess every case is different and not every man is to blame in sixteen years as a single parent I saw shocking truly shocking behaviour from both father's and mothers.

tattychicken · 03/08/2015 20:16

Journalist.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 03/08/2015 20:18

Not all of them do walk away.

butterflygirl15 · 03/08/2015 20:18

because they can

Canyouforgiveher · 03/08/2015 20:19

Sometimes they are driven away

Funny how few mothers are driven away. Except in extremely rare, newsworthy cases, "driven away" is just part of the narrative mentioned by offred.

needs30hoursintheday · 03/08/2015 20:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RobinandRowena · 03/08/2015 20:28

Because unevolved men are programmed to only care for the children of the woman they are in love with at the time!

Offred · 03/08/2015 20:39

Of course not all of them do!!! The op is talking about the ones who do!!!

Jerseyknit · 03/08/2015 20:40

Interesting Robin Grin I like a new theory.

Offred · 03/08/2015 20:43

Yeah, I'm not sure those men do care for the children so much as want to keep the woman they are with happy with them.

BearFoxBear · 03/08/2015 20:45

I know 2 men who have no idea where their children are - one being my dh - and it destroyed him for a long time. His ex up and left with their baby when he was at work. She'd been having an affair. He has paid for a child who probably doesn't even know he exists for the past 12 years. It is really upsetting for him, absolutely not what he wanted and I know that he's not alone. Yes a lot of men are useless, but some are the ones who are left behind.

Robinandrowena · 03/08/2015 20:45

Ask any 'caveman' Jersey!

Offred · 03/08/2015 20:46

Yes, we know some are cut out and many step up but the op is asking when dads do walk away why do they do that.

TheFormidableMrsC · 03/08/2015 20:56

Having put me under considerable pressure (including attempts to scupper contraception) and indeed after 11 years of marriage, I had a baby at 42. I did in fact challenge him when the pregnancy was confirmed because I just KNEW he wouldn't be able to stick with it. He did indeed walk out 2 1/2 years later having had an an affair. His excuses were "I can't do this anymore", "I need to get my life back", "DS was a mistake and you should have had an abortion", "I need kisses and cuddles and somebody to greet me nicely everytime I walk through the door". He was a shit father and remains a shit father. I, on the other hand, as expected, am bringing up my daughter and my autistic 4 year old with zero support from him. Some people just shouldn't have children.

Pinkballoon · 03/08/2015 21:19

Because they can. They should be named and shamed.

Similar to TheFormidableMrsC, I was begged to have a child with my ex at 43. He then went on to cheat, lie, scheme, drink (alcoholic), until I had to chuck him out, leaving me alone with a young baby and a then 10 year old. He has since seen his daughter for a total of 30 minutes in the space of 18 months, during which he burst into tears in front of her and ran off. Repeatedly turned down supervised access. I asked him to have treatment for his addictions before undertaking unsupervised access. Never has and has never applied to the court to see her. Couldn't even be bothered to send her a card at Christmas, let alone a Christmas present or Birthday present. I get occasional tearful drunken texts and emails, but most of the time I am machine gunned with quasi legal letters threatening me with all sorts.

And on another point, I haven't had a break since she's been born. 24/7. Whilst the ex has flown off on 6 holidays in a 4 month period with a woman he'd picked up off the internet a few weeks prior. Spending all of the money earmarked for his daughter's rehousing and leaving me to drag him into court time after time.

These men really should be named and shamed. And the women and family that enable their behaviour.

SadieSue29 · 03/08/2015 21:24

My sons dad just doesn't think he's his responsibility, we were married when our son was born, split when he was 20 months, has had contact most weeks since and has decided 2 weeks ago to no longer see our son who is now 4. He also doesn't believe he has a responsibility to pay for him. I am ashamed I married this person.

Offred · 03/08/2015 21:30

XP is the 'I had a shit childhood' kind of responsibility avoider, XH is the opposite - wants to keep the DC all the time and keep me away whether it's good for them or not because he doesn't want to 'give up' 'his' family.

I find it difficult to deal with both of them TBH. Wish they would think about the DC rather than their own insecurities.

Rebecca2014 · 03/08/2015 21:33

They just don't want the responsibly, that is the reason I think my ex is such a flake when it comes to our child. Funny thing is these men never have a problem finding a new woman to create another family with.

Offred · 03/08/2015 21:35

I think they don't see it as 'creating a family' often. XP sabotaged contraception to get me PG twice but he didn't want a baby or a family.

Athenaviolet · 03/08/2015 21:38

In our case I have my suspicions that he was under pressure from his parents to walk away and pretend DC didn't exist. They were the stingiest people you could imagine and probably thought I wanted money (I didn't) from him. He was youngish and they probably didn't want him tied down eg travelling/working abroad.

But on the other hand maybe it was all him and not them. Or he should have stood up to them. Either way he chose to pretend his DC didn't exist. We never had a bad break up or a big falling out. We lived a close walk away for over a year and he never once attempted contact even though he had my number. He just put us out his mind and carried in his life as if I'd never been pregnant. I guess he must have told his friends the baby wasn't his or something. He has a wife now who probably doesn't have a clue that her pfb isn't his first DC and her DC has a much older sibling out there. At some point my DC will probably search them/him out (they are very easy to find) and he will have a lot of explaining to do...

(They obviously look like father & son and the new DC is v similar to my DC at that age)

In the wider sense of why do fathers do this: society allows it.

As a society we could stop it if we wanted to but the powers that be are happy with the status quo. Ever wonder why?