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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why oh why do the fathers walk away?

124 replies

KayOwe123 · 03/08/2015 18:32

Please help me to understand why a child's father would decide to walk away from his relationship with his child. As mothers, you are probably well aware of the hurt your child experiences when their father leaves but when happens, long term, if he just doesn't want to know.

Was it another relationship? Was it work? Was it drink, drugs, gambling etc? Was he just a child himself? Is it just because the relationship was too toxic and one of you decided to end it and continuing contact would be too painful for both of you?

Are there any men out there who can explain to me what went wrong and how you feel?

Please help - I'm trying to make sense of absent and disaffected dads because maybe there's another side to the story...........

OP posts:

FeedYourselfSmiles · 04/08/2015 14:18

I reported this and they said there's no proof it's a journalist but "as mothers yourself" and "disaffected dads" is journalese and people are sharing delicate stuff. The OP isn't back. Please pull this thread MN.

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/08/2015 16:15

I have no problem with sharing my story with a journalist if it was for the benefit of others and a large donation was made to Womens Aid.

However, I don't appreciate somebody who posts something so likely to produce emotive responses from people like me who are dealing with utterly horrendous situations, especially those involving children.

So, OP, please reveal your motives.

Alternatively, MNHQ, I agree with FeedYourselfSmiles, it needs pulling.

whatyouseeiswhatyouget · 04/08/2015 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lighteningirl · 04/08/2015 17:25

I agree pull this it's unpleasant to be used like this

beanabonce · 04/08/2015 18:39

My xp is only interested in my D's (now 5) because his current partner is pregnant and wants both DC to grow up together. His partner is the drivingforce and wants to be my ds's new mum. She filed a contact order not him and he hasn't seen my sob full time since he was 20 months old....

beanabonce · 04/08/2015 18:40

My xp dp has only been on the scene for 11 months ish

FenellaFellorick · 04/08/2015 18:43

I think it's often because they don't love their kids. They see them as a package deal - woman + children.

no woman = no children.

No sex = no point.

Obviously that's not everyone, there are those who are desperate to be in their children's lives, those who remain in them, but the question is specifically about those who walk away and I think that's why they do.

you see them then go on to hook up with another woman, crawl into her bed and play daddy to her children while turning their back on their own.

I think in their view, their 'family' depends on who they're shagging.

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/08/2015 18:45

beanabonce...she has no hope. What a twat. I despair of some "women" and their behaviour. I thought I'd seen it all....

I suggest you contact Women's Aid or the Children's Legal Centre and take some advice...what a ludicrous situation.

beanabonce · 04/08/2015 19:31

The irony is she contacted my solicitor and my solicitor brought it up through cross referencing! They have a go fund me page (her share) to help get their family back together! I have a joint mediation session with my D's dad on Friday to comment on his 'd'p and our contact agreement. I'm hoping to wipe the floor! Also me and my ds walked past her in a supermarket without realising who she was!

Offred · 04/08/2015 19:53

What is the issue with that beanabounce? I recognise he has been out of your DC life for 3 years but if he now wants contact and your DC is soon going to have a new sibling what is the issue with allowing that to progress at a pace suitable for DC? Unless they suddenly want resident care or shared parenting?

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/08/2015 20:03

Offred...what's wrong with it? A short term girlfriend making a contact application for a child she has no relationship with and whose father has not had contact with the child who is now 5? I think there's everything wrong with that. A Go Fund Me page? Seriously, that is every type of wrong.

Offred · 04/08/2015 20:04

She's been around 11 months which is hardly short term. She is pregnant with the child's sibling!

Offred · 04/08/2015 20:05

It's really shit of him to have not been around for three years but I honestly don't know why you'd want to push him and the new sibling out when efforts are now being made.

Offred · 04/08/2015 20:06

I'd never do that and to be fair it's not something the law will likely support you to do either.

Offred · 04/08/2015 20:08

And I'm not sure what is threatening about a step parent with a half sibling wanting the kids to grow up together. She'll never be the child's mother but she is the mother of the child's sibling - why would you want to deny your child of a relationship with a sibling and a step mother who wants to care for them? It seems really crazy to me.

Offred · 04/08/2015 20:09

Unless there is some kind of risk or they are thinking they can just get residency?

beanabonce · 04/08/2015 20:11

Its not him it's his girlfriends need. He didn't see my xp for the first 5-6 months of their relationship as he was living with a user of cannabis. I didn't know my xps gfs surname until my solicitor mentioned it. If you need a gofundme to see your already made child how could you afford to maintain a lifestyle with that child or the one coming?

Offred · 04/08/2015 20:13

I was pretty happy with how OW turned new GF pressured XP to be stable and have involvement with DC tbh. Now he is married (to a different woman) he is much more stable too. Whilst it is maddening that the reason he is more stable is just because of the women he is with, my DC are certainly better of as a result because he is stable and regular in his contact with them now. He's never going to be interested in being a proper dad but he is at least connected to them, they know who he is, they spend regular quality time with him. I still do all the parenting but I can't see that I'd have been justified (or supported by anyone) to refuse to let him see DC when he was asking.

beanabonce · 04/08/2015 20:14

He didn't see my DS* and before because of several drunken mistakes and relationships

FujimotosElixir · 04/08/2015 20:15

I think some men see their children as an extension if the mother/partner so when the relationships break down they haven't been socialised adequately to be a responsible dad without the sexual pay off.

Offred · 04/08/2015 20:16

But his lifestyle is his business unless it negatively affects DC. If he is now in a stable relationship and has a knew baby on the way, why do you think it's ok to indulge your frustrations with him by placing unnecessary barriers between the DC and the new sibling/the mother/his dad?

Offred · 04/08/2015 20:16

*new

swift13 · 04/08/2015 20:18

My sons father has 2 kids (one older than my son, one younger)
He also has 2 stepkids.

He is father of the year to the younger one and the 2 step kids.

Doesnt want to know my son or the older kid.

No idea why. All I can deduce is that he is a monumental nobjockey

Offred · 04/08/2015 20:18

There is nothing wrong with protecting your DC from the effects of drinking/DV/a new GF every five minutes but in this case, if you don't have those concerns about him anymore and he's settled in a LTR with a new baby coming you just don't have any right to prevent him seeing DC.

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/08/2015 20:18

Sorry, I really struggle to agree with anything you say Offred. That a girlfriend of 11 months can start up a Go Fund Me page for a contact application that SHE has made (not the child's father) for a child she has never met, smacks of a bunny boiler to me. Nothing like the softly softly approach when you are trying to build bridges given the child was abandoned by his father for 3 years. I am going to step away from this as it's too close to home for me.

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