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Original poster

Why oh why do the fathers walk away?

124 replies

KayOwe123 · 03/08/2015 18:32

Please help me to understand why a child's father would decide to walk away from his relationship with his child. As mothers, you are probably well aware of the hurt your child experiences when their father leaves but when happens, long term, if he just doesn't want to know.

Was it another relationship? Was it work? Was it drink, drugs, gambling etc? Was he just a child himself? Is it just because the relationship was too toxic and one of you decided to end it and continuing contact would be too painful for both of you?

Are there any men out there who can explain to me what went wrong and how you feel?

Please help - I'm trying to make sense of absent and disaffected dads because maybe there's another side to the story...........

OP posts:
beanabonce · 04/08/2015 20:19

His partner is rubbing her pregnancy in my face (I mc'd and was supposed to be due a few weeks later than her) before then i didn't see her. After that she was rubbing her stomach and talking pregnancy symptoms and discrediting my ds's D's saying she's already here and not important. (My dd is 2) I told them because they wanted to tell my D's and I didn't mind

beanabonce · 04/08/2015 20:21

My sons sister I mean *

FujimotosElixir · 04/08/2015 20:21

She maybe trying to protect them from 'new baby novelty' when they maybe be pushed out again offred? It occurred to me reading it as a concern.

FujimotosElixir · 04/08/2015 20:22

What's a gofundme page?

Offred · 04/08/2015 20:23

Anyone can set up a go fund me page for any reason. It's extremely hurtful that he hasn't been involved for three years but it's just something (unfair and horrible) that you have to suck up IMO. The woman is having the DC's new sibling, the op clearly had a solicitor before she did and there was clearly acrimony (because of the x being a shit most likely) but none of that changes the fact the DC has a right to see his father and should be able to know his sibling and preventing this when it's being sought is really just about having control over the DC not about caring for the DC, providing there are no risks posed by the x and new GF now IMO.

Offred · 04/08/2015 20:26

Is she trying to go for residency or contact?

beanabonce · 04/08/2015 20:34

We had to call the police on my xp as he was banging on my door calling for my D's through the door and windows. My D's hid in the garden. She's going for contact. Me and my xp have both had mediation sessions and the meditator made it obvious that he wants mediation instead of the court route. So it's her meddling. I also invited them both Into my home to plan am agreement for contact and she didn't allow him to speak without referring to her notebook

Offred · 04/08/2015 20:36

If it's contact I would have thought you would be much better trying to assert what type of contact is in the best interests of the DC rather than flatly refusing or fighting any contact at all. The DC is only 5, he has another 13 years of childhood for his father to potentially be involved in, I'm not sure that flatly refusing will end up in anything other than having contact you have had no input in imposed on you.

Offred · 04/08/2015 20:41

And only arranging it through mediation if things are difficult between you. I would normally say only arranging it between you and XP without her there but if she has applied for a contact order you may have to deal with her as a result of that anyway.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/08/2015 20:42

I would caution anybody from accepting implied legal advice from anybody in the Internet.

A qualified solisiter can not correctly advise other than in genral without the compleate story.

Nobody knows how a court would view a perticular circumstance because every one is decided on a case by case basis. Family law being the way it is understands that each family may have differences.

An over riding principal of childs act cases is that no order will be issued unless it is needed. People appear to forget that.

It's grosly unfair to badger another poster especially when chucking in the "courts won't like it" line because you don't know if a court would be unimpressed or not

Offred · 04/08/2015 20:47

One of the reasons contact orders are considered necessary is because the RP is refusing to make the DC available for contact. However no-one's giving implied or express legal advice, what I'm interested in is why anyone would want to prevent a DC seeing their half sibling and father and to a lesser extent being around a new GF who is the mother of the half sibling and is in a stable relationship with the father. I wanted to understand if there were other things going on because it was being posted implying that it is obviously bad that a new GF would want to care for a DC from a previous relationship and that the DC should not expect to know it's half sibling.

ScrambledEggAndToast · 04/08/2015 20:51

As has already been said, they just don't see the child/children as their responsibility.

My ex said to me before me left 'I don't want a family, the Army is my family' Great, thanks.

Oh, how I laughed when he was the one that ended up getting another woman pregnant shortly after, splitting up with her, then now is living with another who already has 3 of her own plus they have 1 together!

Offred · 04/08/2015 20:52

Speaking as someone who absolutely hates XP and who will probably never recover from all the shitty things he did to me, I still don't understand why him having a new stable GF and new baby on the way and them now wanting to be involved would be a bad thing in itself. It's the not having been around for 3 years, the banging on the door, the drugs etc that are bad things but they weren't what was mentioned.

beanabonce · 04/08/2015 20:57

It isn't just that my D's didn't want to see my xp. my xp was harassing my D's school to the extent that the head suggested I collect my son early for safety or else make a scene with xp there. I wonder how involved he will be when he is emotionally manipulative with his gf like he was with me (he said if I gain employment or financial recognition he will leave me) she doesn't know my son well enough to 'get him back' like her gofund me suggests. Its bollocks! Why should my son be involved when he hasn't needed to be for the past few years?!

Offred · 04/08/2015 21:01

Well, because it is on offer now and it's his dad/half sibling... Hmm

If you have concerns about his safety with XP that's one thing. I worry that your concerns about safety will get lost in the 'he's not been around for 3 years so why should he see him and she's a bitch so...' Stuff as they have on this thread.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/08/2015 22:12

I'm reading the same thread as you and I noticed rather more than just the he hasn't bothered for 3 years thing.

Offred · 04/08/2015 22:22

yes, I can read them too but they are mentioned a fair while after the first post explaining that he hadn't seen DC in three years and she wanted contact now. I asked what else is there other than that because that in itself doesn't sound a negative thing or a reason to prevent contact to me.

notrocketscience · 04/08/2015 22:35

Beany I'm willing to be corrected but I understood only those with parental responsibility or grand parents could apply for contact with a child. Surely someone who is so unconnected with your child cannot file for a court order? Is it in your xp name?

Offred · 04/08/2015 22:38

She probably can with permission from the court tbh - as with a grandparent.

notrocketscience · 04/08/2015 22:43

So it might not be heard then Offred? If the court thinks the application should have been made by the father?

What happens if the gf splits from xp? Will that mean the 5 year old gets abandoned again as the gf would have no right to see the child without beany.s permisison. 11 months is not long. I can see potential problems for the child in all this.

Original poster
KayOwe123 · 04/08/2015 22:52

Thanks so much for your responses and more would be helpful. I am not a journalist but I do work with people as a therapist so maybe that's why it sounded a bit 'formal'...... sorry..... Some of the people I see are children and they often have really sad stories and as a mother, I find it impossible to imagine how a parent could leave their child... I know it's different for (most) mothers because we have carried our children before giving birth to them.

However, the real reason why I asked is more personal because I am related to a 16 year old boy who is struggling to make sense of his parents split when they were both 19 (they were 16 when he was conceived and had been at school together). His father saw him for a short time (1 year) and then there was no contact. His paternal grandparents had him to stay a few times when he was about 8, but his father showed no interest in him and he eventually stopped going. He had some problems with behaviour beforehand (mother too soft probably and compensating for his father's rejection). Now his father is married and has a new baby and the 16 year old's behaviour has gone completely off the scale and he has been put in accommodation by social services.

I also worked with a child who was put back in touch with his father (who had been contacted by social services when his carer - his grandmother - was taken ill). The father said, before they met, that he was really sad that they had lost contact and said it had been too difficult to stay in touch due to the hostility of mother. He seems to be taking his new found contact seriously (so maybe he was telling the truth) but the young boy (aged 11) is still wary which is not surprising. I wonder if he will be able to sustain it (it's only been 4 months).

This was what made me think that there must be different reasons why men walk away and I can't understand why they would when they have fathered a child... but your answers are really helpful. I would love to do some research into men's reasons and so perhaps this thread is a way to start... keep the info coming please

OP posts:
Original poster
KayOwe123 · 04/08/2015 22:55

I forgot to add - the 16 year old's father has said he DOES NOT want any contact with him.. The 16 year old went to see him to find out why (he lives quite a way away) and had the door shut in his face....

OP posts:
notrocketscience · 04/08/2015 23:01

I'm glad you're not a journalist Kay as now posters may open up a little. My thoughts when reading your latest post were obviously sadness for the 16 year old (how cruel) but also as we are mostly female here aren't you only going to get a biased possibly negative outlook on fathers who leave?

LineRunner · 04/08/2015 23:04

In my OH's case it was his wife who walked away. She hasn't seen or spoken to her youngest child in well over two years.

I reckon it's a lot about what the NRP chooses to prioritise tbh. Alcohol, new partner, uncluttered life... I do suspect they are weak people in some crucial ways.

You might also ask about the characteristics of the parents who DON'T walk away. The parents who stay, and put their lives on hold, whose careers are compromised, whose reputations are tradduced by the weak ones who walk away - what is it about them that makes them strong? That's a key part of the story. Maybe the weak one can't face their strength.

ghostspirit · 04/08/2015 23:13

the bloke walks out leaves the mum with chid/ren she then has to do it herself and gets slagged of for being a single parent.

there is no excuse. my ex said hes got alot on his plate...fuck of you knob. i got lot on my plate so just walk out as well should i ffs!

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