Why oh why do the fathers walk away?

[KayOwe123]

Please help me to understand why a child's father would decide to walk away from his relationship with his child. As mothers, you are probably well aware of the hurt your child experiences when their father leaves but when happens, long term, if he just doesn't want to know.

Was it another relationship? Was it work? Was it drink, drugs, gambling etc? Was he just a child himself? Is it just because the relationship was too toxic and one of you decided to end it and continuing contact would be too painful for both of you?

Are there any men out there who can explain to me what went wrong and how you feel?

Please help - I'm trying to make sense of absent and disaffected dads because maybe there's another side to the story...........

You may be right there LineRunner.. The 16 year old's mum is actually amazing, bearing in mind the age she was when she became a mother herself. Father was into football, being out with the lads and so on.. and she really did her best.

In response to norocketscience - I agree that as most of the messagers are women, this thread is likely to be biased.. but not sure what other options are there. I wondered about father's for justice but I guess the bias is going to be completely the other way!

Kay - you suggest that this 16 yo boys behaviour problems are caused by his mother being " too soft " , despite the boys long history of abandonment and rejection by his father and paternal grandparents .

This seems remarkably " mother blaming " and simplistic for anyone , let alone someone who says they are a therapist .you really do sound a lot like a daily mail journalist - let's blame the mothers and understand the fathers because they must have good reasons.

And your " women can't leave because of their biology " is clearly nonsense, as some women do leave their kids or abuse or neglect them . While others who have not given birth to their children , are wonderful mothers .

You do dish up a lot of platitudes and tabloid cliches , for someone who should have at least some insight into the complexity of human behaviour .

Hi StaceyAndTracey. Actually I didn't suggest they were caused by his mother but actually she suggested she was too lenient at times and I believe this was her way of compensating for his father's rejection. I have to say, this is not mother blaming - its mother understanding. Family lives are very complex and this one is no exception.

As I explained, I do NOT blame anyone - I try to understand. If you read the earlier posts, there is a great deal of father blaming but as I stated earlier - there must also be another side to the story and if you look at current research, there isn't any on men's perspectives - just the Fathers for Justice stuff.

I am also not disputing that some women walk away from their children. I said I personally find it impossible to image how a parent could leave their child…. and that the biological bond of carrying a child for 9 months and then giving birth is not the same experience as that of a man… although again I am not disputing that some men have attachments to their children of the same quality as the mother and at times, even stronger.

My post is not about justifying every type of relationship or Daily Mail journalism and so on… it really is about wanting to understand from the perspective of other people, what they think. After all, I’m a middle aged female, mother to two daughters and three step children – all of whom I love to bits. I work as a psychotherapist and have done so for many years… but this is not what this post is about…… I’m an interested human being and that is it in a nutshell. So I’m sorry if you consider my posts full of platitudes and tabloid clichés as they are not meant to be.

I mostly agree with Stacey. If I was going to have a therapist I'd want one with a deeper understanding of the human condition than your bog standard poster on a forum.

Ouch waffly that was a bit cruel.

I have noticed a dishonesty in a few cases where the father publicly fights to stay in the child's life. A cynical part of me wonders if it is about being "seen" to be a good father as when they have the contact there is no interest shown in the child and a few don't even continue it after court cases have been won.

It would take a brave parent to say openly, "actually small children bore me and I have better things to do" although that may be the reality. Sometimes it may just be getting "one over" the Ex.

Also noticed that some parents find certain age groups of children easier/ more appealing than others. If the split comes at a time when say in a less interesting developmental stage of the child's life the NRP finds it hard to keep the momentum of a relationship going. Not everyone finds 24 hours with a 2 year old easy for example.

Just thoughts, not my belief so don't all verbally punch me please!

*kayowen" if you really are a therapist, then you know that you're acting extremely unethically by talking about people who you have worked with on a public forum.

Could you ask for the post(s) where you mention people that you've worked with to be deleted please, for the sake of the client confidentiality that you promised the people that you're writing about?

OP, you've mentioned the F 4 J brigade twice now as the only male perspective on these matters. That is a strange viewpoint for a psychotherapist. There is a wealth of published research data on fatherhood, attachment, divorce, disengagement from children, etc.

You seem to want anecdotes, though.

My dad ran off after having an affair when I was five. He moved to another country with her. He then (after a slowly declining relationship with me and my sister) met and shacked up with my now step mum. Within weeks she was pregnant. We were devastated by it really because he didn't bother with us now he was trying to build a brand new family. My half sister was born when I was 15, and two brothers followed. Thats when my relationship with him just fizzled out, and he's making a mess of those kids now too.

Regarding beans situation- 11 months is not a 'long term relationship' in my opinion, she's just some woman he has knocked up and now shes behaving like the cat who got the cream. I would be furious at her behaviour trying to get your dc into some 'family unit' after three years of the dad not being involved at all. She's been on the scene less than a year, she hardly knows him let alone you and your dc!

'gofundme'... More like 'gofuckyourself'

See the problem with getting perspectives from fathers is that the bias will be towards making excuses for bad behaviour.

It is very tempting for them to blame the mother for them walking away.

Some men are alienated by the mother, but a huge number out of the ones who don't see their children could have done way way more for their DC, out of that group there are some who are malicious and abusive and who are using spurious complaints that they have been prevented from seeing their DC as part of ongoing abuse and as a cover for staying away.

If you asked men who left what their reasons were I imagine virtually all of them would say 'the mother kept me away' where the truth possibly 90% of the time would be something ranging from they were actively disinterested and evasive to actively abusive to the child.

By taking those people at face value you would be perpetuating abuse.

IMO the F4J lot (and some of them have been exposed as having been given contact orders which they ignored as well as running harassment campaigns against mothers/authority figures) are asking that they be given equal care of the children against the welfare of the child I.e. When they were with the mother the childcare arrangement was her providing care and him working and they want to change that when they leave to shared care - hardly in the best interest of the child and more about control over the child, even discounting the fact most of them are flakes who had contact orders and couldn't even be bothered to see their kids for a shorter period of time.

If these guys want shared care on leaving they need to do shared care before the relationship breaks down. It's quite simple! The fact it is quite simple and is not being done makes me suspicious that they are that kind of guy who makes a huge fuss about them being the victim so as to avoid being responsible - and you want to ask them why they don't see DC and expect a self aware answer?

And the problem of getting it from mothers is the ones who were/are abusive and did everything in their power to keep their kids away from good dads aren't going to admit it and you would be perpetuating abuse to take their word for it.

Well yeah, but the evidence suggests that happens in an extremely tiny proportion of cases where fathers are not involved with their DC.

The NRP who genuinely are being denied contact by their ex and they want contact would generally have a lengthy legal history of fighting for their child. I personally know of 1.

I know of 7 NRP (my ex included) who claim contact is being blocked and yet not once have they sent a legal letter or requested mediation and yet they will tell anyone who'll listen it's not their fault and they are a victim. Pah! If someone tried to stop me from seeing my daughter I would fight it tooth and nail.

My ex made the decision not to have anything to do with DD. He said he didn't love her, should have had an abortion (we were married and she was planned) but he would rather keep up some pretence that nobody even believes that he is some poor defenceless man who is victim of his evil ExW instead of admitting that he is actually just a twat.

It seems almost socially acceptable for a man to walk away. It's sad but it's true.

I've been reading this thread with great interest as a male. I gather that overall there is a fairly low opinion of walk-away fathers.

DS1's Dad left because he'd been sleeping about while I was pregnant and straight after DS1 was born. I was stupid and shouldn't have had a baby with someone like him. He was stupid and chose his penis over his family.

He's now a bit of a once-a-month Disney Dad. I try very hard to make it as easy and positive for DS1 as possible. But there's no denying that it's affected DS1; he asked me not long ago why Daddy and I don't live together, why we've never lived together (he left when DS1 was 5 months). What do you say? "Daddy was a twat and shagged his ex while I was nursing you"? There's no way about it; the men who up and walk are dicks. Real parents fight for their kids, even if they don't win, they bloody fight.

SkypeColorado, I think there is a low opinion when that walk-away father subsequently treats his family like they are something his scraped off his shoe, when they don't provide adequate financial support for their children, when they allow the other women in their life to taunt and abuse you, when they fail to understand or even attempt to understand the lifelong damaging effect on the children they have abandoned. This is my experience only. I know several former couples who work very well together, who have maintained a succesful co-parenting relationship, who both care deeply about the wellbeing of their children despite the fact they are unable to continue a relationship. Men (and women) who cannot do that deserve a low opinion...in my opinion...

TimeToMuskUp...well said my darling, I completely agree with every word. for you

They wSlk away because, just as when there was a family unit, they see the children as the responsibility of the mother and their inly responsibility (if that) is to chuck a little money at them.

Well at the risk of stirring up a hornet's nest, I will tell you that I walked away from a cheating wife and my two daughters some 35 years ago, in my early 30s back then. Do I regret it now in my 60s? Sure somewhat.
Each case is different as was mine; you may not believe me, but that does not matter to me in the least either.
Few people know and experience true hatred of another human being, and of that I am thankful. However, when I was betrayed by the woman who promised to be a faithful wife and mother (and NO I did not mess around on her in case you are wondering) in an instant I changed from deep love to as deep hate for her.
So, why walk away? I decided to kill her one evening, quite literally. I purchased a shotgun and waited for her and her new boyfriend to come back from their night out. My kids were with a sitter. I had her head lined up and pulled the trigger to finish her. Unfortunately (now, fortunately) I neglected to take the safety off so the weapon did not fire, and she lived.
I knew then I had a second chance, but if I kept seeing her eventually I would finish what I had begun that evening, my kids would be orphans and I would be incarcerated.
Her motive for cheating was to "get her freedom", that was the excuse I heard over and over again. Very well.
I packed up a bag and left her to her "freedom" to raise two small girls alone, I paid nothing in support. If she needed to turn tricks on the street to pay the rent, she was now "free" to do so. I sacrificed my two daughters for one cheating bitch.
Fast forward 35 years. I have no relationship with my daughters, I am dead to them and they are strangers to me. I am indifferent now to the rotten piece of meat who is my ex. So, to answer your question; selfishness. On the part of the cheating wife, the enraged husband and the daughters who believe the lie their mother told them. End of Story.

SkypeColorado, that is a really sad story. I appreciate you posting your point of view from the male perspective. I am quite glad that you did not murder your wife although I can completely understand the pain and rage that would make you want to do so. I empathise and understand the desperate ordeal that your wife subjected you to and in that respect, she deserves no sympathy whatsoever. It is clear that now you are approaching your twilight years, that there is a lot of regret on your behalf.

What I don't understand is how you could have abandoned your children and not supported them financially. I can find no excuse for that whatsoever. As you said yourself, you sacrified your children because of your hatred for their mother. How sad that you have lived a life without your girls in it. That you have no relationship. Surely it was not worth that? Regardless of what their mother told them, they still know that you walked out on them and didn't look back. I don't doubt that you have paid the price of that for all these years, however.

Would it be worth attempting to make contact now? Now that they are adults? Do you know anything about them? I sincerely hope that you find some peace....

"SkypeColorado, that is a really sad story. I appreciate you posting your point of view from the male perspective. I am quite glad that you did not murder your wife although I can completely understand the pain and rage that would make you want to do so. I empathise and understand the desperate ordeal that your wife subjected you to and in that respect, she deserves no sympathy whatsoever. It is clear that now you are approaching your twilight years, that there is a lot of regret on your behalf.

What I don't understand is how you could have abandoned your children and not supported them financially. I can find no excuse for that whatsoever. As you said yourself, you sacrified your children because of your hatred for their mother. How sad that you have lived a life without your girls in it. That you have no relationship. Surely it was not worth that? Regardless of what their mother told them, they still know that you walked out on them and didn't look back. I don't doubt that you have paid the price of that for all these years, however.

Would it be worth attempting to make contact now? Now that they are adults? Do you know anything about them? I sincerely hope that you find some peace...."

Thank you for you gracious reply. To address a few points you made and to add a happy ending, I'll elaborate now.

Once I had left what was once my family and worked out of the country for many years to rebuild my life (I lost home, money, job and part of my health in the battle). The two girls became pawns for awhile, I was repeatedly threatened that I would be accused of child abuse in order to bankrupt and ruin me. I, in turn, refused to pay any child support; in effect I used my daughters as weapons also.

Now, in an ironic twist of events, some 20 years passed and I landed a VERY good paying steady job. The state was doing it's due diligence and began garnishing my checks to pay the back support. I did not challenge or fight the garnishments. It became "drip" money as a reminder to me and to her of what was destroyed. Like the dripping of water, low and quiet, and always present. Eventually the ex was paid IN FULL of every penny that was owed as the state stipulated.

You question how I could abandon my kids and not support them financially; I will tell you that until you have experienced the pure hate for another living being, I will not try to justify my actions and offer no excuses. Rage that is deep enough to commit murder knows no bounds, does it? I sacrificed my own children and will never know them; this is the price of hate. No, it was not worth it in answer to your question. Unfortunately I did attempt to reconnect with my daughters and was soundly rejected. They want nothing to do with me and I feel mostly indifference towards them.

Your last comment "I sincerely hope that you find some peace...."
Yes, I have found peace and love in the arms of a very special woman who has what I value the most in a wife; a sweet and gentle spirit. She has been my balm for 22 years and we are growing old together with grace.

Skypecolorado, I'm not sure I believe your post but if I do, I would certainly rate a woman who cheats way above a man who would first try to kill his wife and second abandon his children without a second thought because he felt otherwise he would kill their mother.

I am indifferent now to the rotten piece of meat who is my ex.

If you use the words "rotten piece of meat" to describe a person who is the mother of your abandoned children, the one who reared them without any help from you, how on earth would you describe yourself?

I think you are a troll/nutjob but people responded as if you were normal.

You are not. you tried to kill your wife because she cheated on you (or you thought she did). you need help. i sincerely hope if you are real (which I doubt) you are getting serious psychiatric help. and that your children have not inherited much from your gene pool.

Canyouforgiveher,
Your opinions are your own and mean nothing to me.

well of course Skype. Ditto.

hope your anger is under better control now and you have given away your firearm since you woke up and realised the only reason you weren't in prison for murder was you didn't know how to use your gun properly.