We made our bed with ILs and now we really have to lay in it.

[mampam]

There is such a long backstory to this but I will try to be as brief as possible.

I have been with DH for almost 10 years. Right from the very beginning it was crystal clear that the ILs did not like me, the only reason I could fathom was that I have 2 DC from a previous marriage. DH and I also have 2DC together.

Years ago IL's bought a large house that was separated into 2 dwellings, the lived in one we lived in the other. It did not work as they were absolutely vile to me and it got so unbearable (ending with FIL aggressively shouting at me and calling me names) that I started to look for somewhere else for myself and DC to live when they backed Dh (we weren't married then) into a corner and made him choose between them and me. He chose me.

We moved house and shortly after were married. IL's came to the wedding but caused a horrible atmosphere, FIL would barely stand near me to have a photo taken, MIL would turn on her heels if I went near her and neither of them spoke to me the whole day. All our wedding guests noticed, it was awful.

IL's refused to apologise for any of their behaviour so DH went NC with them for about 2.5 years afterwards during which time DH had a breakdown.
When I became pregnant with our 1st DC together the ILs got in touch and I persuaded DH to give them a second chance (more fool me) and they came to see the baby when she was 2 weeks old.
For a while we built up a good relationship with them (or so we thought) and whilst they never apologised for their behaviour, we put it behind us and they seemed to have changed. So much so we went on holiday with them and ILs helped DH to build his business up. All seemed fine for a couple of years and then they asked us if we would like to move back to our old house and would pay to have an extension built.
It took DH and I 3 months to reach the decision to move back (I know, I know we should have said no).

We have now lived next door to them again for just short of 2 years and things have got progressively worse ending with a row between MIL and myself last week.
I truly think they were putting on an act to lure us back to living next door to them as they seemed to change almost immediately. FIL is controlling and everything has to be his way or the highway. He treats DH as if he is stupid and a little child. In fact he treats everyone as if they are stupid and thinks he is the authority on everything. He even tells DH what load up for his days work as if he is in charge and an expert on what DH does for a living.
If ever they have had to arrange for a tradesman to come to our house for whatever reason he just walks into our house without knocking or even shouting to let us know that he's showing the tradesman around.
They grow plants up the front of our house and won't let us tend to them or to our front patch of grass.
They kindly gave DH a hand at getting his business off the ground, bought machinery to push DH's business in the direction that FIL wanted it to go in but it belongs to them, DH is allowed to use it and now FIL is slowly selling it off.
FIL once detached our hose from the outside tap as we may not remember to turn the tap off.
We weren't allowed to have underfloor heating in our extension as FIL felt we would forget to switch it off.
Last year when I was pregnant and suffering with severe Hyperemesis and was rendered pretty useless not once did ILs help DH. He was working, looking after 4 children, mopping up my sick, cooking, cleaning, washing, doing the shopping and working on the extension. Twice he asked MIL to fetch DD from pre-school and both times he was met with "oh alright then" with a lot of eye rolling and she made it clear she was severely put out.
At every opportunity MIL will come out with snide comments aimed at me.
She comes to the house when DH isn't here to make me feel guilty about how much they spent on the extension, pleads poverty, makes out like they are really poor when in reality they are both in their 50's, FIL is retired and MIL has a part time job.
DH's cousin came to stay with us at Easter and whilst he was here MIL told him that they only tolerate me as they know DH will choose me over them. That I don't do anything, DH does everything and has an unfair workload. I wear the trousers in our house.
They never babysit.
They never offer to help us with anything.
They criticise at every opportunity.
They can see we are run ragged, especially Dh yet still nag him and get him to do things that FIL has all the time in the world to do but won't.

We rent this house from the ILs, we have a tenancy agreement yet they seem to know no boundaries. They don't seem to have any sense of what will really piss people off or not.........or maybe they do I'm not sure.

The row between MIL and myself started because the previous day DH had asked FIL if he could nip him over to the local village about 1/2 mile away in his van to pick up a sofa bed that we were buying from someone. FIL agreed but early afternoon he asked DH if he wanted to just borrow the van to go and get it himself so he could "have a drink". DH said no as he is not insured to drive it and we had a car written off 2 months ago in an accident so he is very wary.
FIL took DH to fetch the sofa but DH said that FIL had already been drinking.
At 10.15pm that night our home phone rang. We didn't get to it in time but there was a message from FIL telling us that our shower in our upstairs bathroom had been leaking again. We were quite annoyed at him for calling so late as he woke our 8 month old baby who doesn't sleep very well as it is and frightened the life out of us as my 12 year old DS was away with school at the time and I assumed that if someone was calling that late it must be someone from the school calling to say something was up with DS.

The following morning DH took DD out to wait for the school bus and when he came back in he was absolutely livid. MIL had been waiting for him and launched straight into "can you fix that shower today?", DH snapped "YES!" at her. On the way back from the bus stop FIL hung out of his bedroom window and shouted to DH "Oi, what's your problem?.....You don't speak to your mother like that......" and had basically had a real go at him. DH had been so annoyed at his mother because of the way she collared him when he was in a rush to get to the bus stop and then get to work and that she just launched straight into it without even a hello or sorry for calling so late last night. This sort of thing is a regular occurrence either before or when he has just come home from work, collaring him and nagging about something. To be honest we are both absolutely shattered and this was just the final straw in a long list of things.

I saw MIL as I was getting in the car to go to work a little later so I said to her "Can you tell FIL never to call us at that time again as it's not on and he woke the baby up". She was immediately on the defensive and her reply was "well we had water pissing down our stairs", I then repeated what she had said "water pissing down your stairs?", her reply to that "well somebody was in the fucking shower". So that was it I just let rip. I said I would not have FIL speaking to DH like he was a piece of shit off his shoe, that I was fed up with them nagging and stressing DH out all the time. Oh we had a proper row and yes there was definitely some effing and jeffing from me too, I think almost 10 years of pent up emotion came out as I have never said a word before and have just kept my mouth shut. MIL told me to piss off I don't know how many times.

When I got home from work a couple of hours later DH called to say he'd had an answer phone message left on his mobile from FIL saying that "your missus has just had a bender at MIL, effing and blinding, I'm not having it and I'm not living like this"

Whilst I was on the phone to DH I was in our (downstairs) bedroom sat on our bed looking out of the window. FIL was strimming, saw me so walked right over to our window and started strimming right outside!! The following day MIL parked her wheelbarrow right on the drive making it difficult for me to reverse. At the weekend FIL must have used every power tool he owns (he does own quite a lot) right outside our garden gate. FIL has also been parking his van right up against one of our downstairs windows instead of where he normally parks. Usually we don't hear them (unless FIL is drunk and we can hear his music over our TV) but we are now hearing doors slamming all the time.
Yesterday DH was left another answerphone message summoning him to their house that afternoon to talk, DH didn't go.

There is no going back from this I know. I want nothing to do with them, I'm done trying, sweeping things they do and snide comments under the carpet. I want to be left alone, I have no fight left. I basically have to put up and shut up. I am miserable.

DH is miserable too, he feels powerless against his parents. I know they won't listen.

Thank you for reading if you have got this far. I don't think I am looking for replies really as we have made our bed and we must lie in it although it feels good to get things off my chest. We have no money to move house.
We are stuck.

If you feel like giving me a sympathy pat on the back I could really do with it right now.

[mampam]

We live in a very rural area of Devon.

LIZS that's really helpful thank you, I will investigate.

[Hellion7433]

Is it an expensive area? I know done parts of Devon are.

[mampam]

I had only ordered stuff for DS1 as he was going away with school and about a week before he went we realised he'd had a massive growth spurt and had outgrown all of his clothes. The nearest big town is an hour and a half away so is easier to order online than to actually go shopping.

[answersonapostcardplease]

You really don't have to lie in it. Plan of action needed.

[mampam]

Yes it is expensive. We live in the very south.

[answersonapostcardplease]

They sound similar to my pil who have tried to rule using money as one way. They too plead povert despite early retirement, own house outright.
They suggested all sorts of madcap ideas to intice us to live near them. We declined.
Years ago they 'bought' Dh a car. What they actually did was talk him into getting a credit agreement which they paid until he didn't do as they said was naughty
Run fast op.

[WhatifIdid]

I'm going to go against the grain here and suggest that you set up a meeting just for you and MIL.

Put all your cards on the table. Start by apologising for swearing/name calling and emphasising that you both love DH and dc.

Then ask her if she thinks you two could improve your relationship. Take no shit but give her a hearing - a proper one where you really try to shut up and listen.

I think she may be the type that would respect you if you look her right in the eye and are completely honest and open about what you think in reply as long as you can keep it civil.

Long-term you obviously need to move, but it might buy you some time to rub along a bit longer.

[IhateMagic]

So, does dh only have to leave a note for the one large bit of machinery? Or all of it? I don't understand their needing written notice to use machinery bought to be used!? It's not like it's a shared car.
Don't sign another tenancy agreement. What would happen if you told them you won't renew now? Would that make them realise they are being stupid?